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Introduction

Today is special message

Listened to it playing disc golf - that’s what we need to hear

Problem: Greg Laurie’s sermon!

What if you went to the doctor - others surgeons do this, but I’m going to do this!

Wouldn’t want to copy...

Sermon is actually different from his - but message is the same

You’re thinking: another marriage sermon? I’ll bet we’re looking at Ephesians 5...

Guess what? You’re right!

If you’re thinking: great, he’s talking to us...

I probably am… If that’s your thought...

But not just you!

Did the math: 55 marriages in our church

In 2 years, 15 marriages have hit trouble (counseling, divorce, separation, etc.)

15/ 55 marriages - 27% are in trouble or ended

Just the ones I know of

Each has a hurting husband, wife and many have hurting kids and friends

For those who are hurting, who may become hurt, and can help the hurting

I wrote all 30 names and prayed for you to start this message

My prayer is that you will hear this, gain Godly perspective, and be encouraged

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Ephesians 5:17-21, 25-32 and 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Illustration: Idiot light in Tasha’s car

Warning that doesn’t mean anything - don’t pay attention

There’s another light (Tasha doesn’t get gas)

BTW my car is on empty - idiot light comes on for that too

That’s not one you want to ignore - be stranded on the highway!

Some of our marriages are running on empty too...

You may see some warning lights goin off - I recommend you don’t ignore them

Fortunately, the Word tells us how too have a good marriage...

AND it promises us that we have the power to follow these instructions

First principle:

1. God created marriage

His design, His idea, so it should be His way...

Marriage is not ours to redefine, to to change, to add or take away from

Our culture wants to do this

Really, Satan wants to

Why do you think there are so many failures?

For successful marriages, has to be done God’s way

Remember old days of computers?

Viruses, programs, cookies...

I just want to crash the whole thing and take it back to factory settings

I’ve messed up so many things, I just want to go back to when it was right

To fix our broken marriages, we have to get back to God’s original settings

Let’s look at one of these setting

Movies say:

Looking for Mr. Right

I think I’ve found the one

Wow, they’re perfect for me!

What do those things imply?

You don’t have to change anything about you - the other person has to bend to be “right”

So when that person is not tailored around your shortcomings, they’re not the right one

Maybe YOU’RE not the right one...

2. Marriage is not about finding the right person, it’s being the right person

I’ve learned that counseling is challenging

For marriage counseling - it’s a last resort

Nobody comes in - things are a tiny bit hard

No, we have divorce papers ready

Before you come in, ask yourselves 3 questions:

Are you a Christian

Do you read your bible?

Are you willing to do whatever it teaches

If you answer “no” to any of those, I CAN’T HELP YOU!

No one can!

See, we get the idea that saving a marriage is about preventing a divorce

At the end of a football game, you have the prevent defense

You don’t rush too aggressively, hang the safeties way back, let the DB’s play loose

Can you play the whole game like that?

No! You’ll lose!

But with marriage, we think as long as we can get divorce off the table, you’re doing your job

That’s just prevent defense

You’ll marriage will never win that way either

Matthew 19:3–9 ESV

3 And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause?” 4 He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, 5 and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? 6 So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” 7 They said to him, “Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and to send her away?” 8 He said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. 9 And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.”

The Pharisees were hunting for permission to divorce

Jesus’ response? Stop asking about divorce, start seeking God’s purpose for marriage

If your kid says, “Under what conditions can I drop out of school?”

“Um, stop asking. Go to school like you’re supposed to.”

Why is it when we read a command from God, the first thing we do is start finding exceptions so we don’t have to?

God doesn’t want to give permission for any divorce

I know some of you have gone to “www.whyitsokayforchristianstogetdivorced.com”

All sorts of horrible arguments/tranlsations

Actually, it’s clear in Matthew that divorce is NEVER God’s goal - EVER!

He wants your marriage to succeed, He wants you to thrive and grow...

3. Stop just preventing divorce, start pursuing a good, Godly marriage

Are there times when divorce is “allowable?” Yes...

Is adultery acceptable in a marriage? No.

Should a woman stay in an abusive house? No.

If an unbeliever leaves you, do you have to wait forever? No.

But we need to know something:

Those things aren’t something to feel good about

Those things are TRAGEDIES

At the end it isn’t, “So glad that’s done!”

It’s, “I’m sorry God, we failed.”

Even if there was adultery or abandonment by unbeliever

But I would say most marriages aren’t actually those things

What is the reason people put for divorce? Irreconcilable differences

Marriages end over irreconcilable differences?

Tash and I have been married 15 years since September

We’ve been loaded with irreconcilable differences

I like punk rock, she likes country

I’m more flexible, she’s more responsible

Unless we’re on vacation...

She looks 10 years younger, I have been mistaken for her dad - literally

I’ll bet most of you were first attracted because of your differences!

Now those very things become the reason for ending it all

Differences should be embraced and appreciated, not reconciled

You know how this becomes a problem?

Hockey story

Pass in front of me picked off - wasn’t ready and they scored

Defensemen: Man goalie pay attention! Get your head in the game!

Me: Are you kidding me! What kind of pass was that!

What were we doing?

Too busy worrying about other people’s job descriptions

We both messed up, and both blamed the other person

Most of us know about Ephesians 5 by this point

Men: You’re supposed to submit to me

Women: You’re supposed to be like Christ

You know what? Worry about your own job description!

Church, my hope for this message is turn you away from giving up

And focus your eyes on pursuing Godly things

WWII - Britain pulled troops out of Dunkirk by a miracle

Winston Churchill: “Victory is not won by evacuation.”

If you want victory in marriage, it won’t come by running

It will come by fighting for it with the help of God

When we study Ephesians 5, we always start with the “submit” part

I don’t want to start there, in fact I don’t want to spend much time there at all...

Let’s go before that because Paul says things that setup the marriage section

Ephesians 5:17–21 ESV

17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. 18 And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, 19 addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, 20 giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, 21 submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

What do we need to know

We need to be filled with the Holy Spirit

As part of the bigger context, HS is necessary for any believer

But especially in marriage

Dad made me trim the hedges

Kept stalling and stalling

Finally asked him to go somewhere - not until the hedges are trimmed

Fine - trimming in a hurry - right through the cord!

My parents had trouble believing that one...

But it was true! Learned valuable lessons that day

1. Procrastination is a bad idea

2. Tools don’t work when you cut of their power supply

4. Don’t cut off the power of the Holy Spirit

When HS works in us, we have the power to put their needs first

When we put our own needs first, do you think that’s HS?

No, that’s our flesh

In v.21 Paul flows from this idea

If the HS is working, we’re singing songs and worshipping, we’re thanking God is Jesus’ name...

It flows right into “submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.”

Let me highlight something: Paul hasn’t addressed wives yet!

Every Christian is supposed to submit to each other

The Spirit filled husband puts his wife's needs above his own

The Spirit filled wife puts her husband’s needs above her own

I wonder why all marriage counseling talks about how the other person isn’t filling their needs

There is an element of both husband and wife submitting to each other

AND another version of submission in the marriage covenant

This is not an excuse for husbands to abandon their Spiritual leadership duties in the home

OR a reason for wives to take Spiritual leadership duties in their home

However, a husband is meant to help carry his wife’s burdens

And vice versa

That’s all I want to say on that topic

That leads us to our focus

If there is one piece of advice for a struggling marriage -

The 4 most important words you may hear this year:

Eph. 5:25: Husbands, love your wives...

Let’s read it:

Ephesians 5:25–32 ESV

25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.

Ladies, you’re off the hook.

Men? You picked the wrong day to come to church.

I’m coming after you

Actually, that makes it a good day, a day might desperately need

Here’s the truth:

Most failing marriages come from simple fact that men are unwilling to follow God’s simple command

You might say, “that’s a tall order”

Story of counseling

You need to love your wife like Christ loves the church

That’s impossible

Fine, try a lower level - love your neighbor as yourself

Can’t

Fine, love your enemies - can you do that?

Here’s reality:

5. Marriage is about living ‘agape’ love

This is an unearned love - love for the sake of love and God is love

Agape love has the ability to continue with a partner that does not reciprocate or respond at all

Gal 5 describes agape love

We can live out agape love by being filled with the HS - fruits of the Spirit

Galatians 5:22 (ESV)

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love...

That word love in Greek? Agape...

What does agape look like?

1 Corinthians 13:4–7 ESV

4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Husbands (and wives) give yourself a test

Insert your name in place of love (or it), and see if you believe it

Dan is patient and kind; Dan does not envy or boast; Dan is not arrogant or rude. Dan does not insist on his own way; Dan is not irritable or resentful; Dan does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Dan bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

If paper bible, circle all the ones you can’t say with confidence

Shoot, let your spouse circle them for you - no, not a good idea

You should circle them all! This is a picture of God, we fall short

But that doesn’t mean we don’t pursue it!

These things require something of us

Husbands, loving your wife takes ACTION!

Not just thinking nice things, but DOING them!

When you first met, was it your feelings that won her over?

No, you had to use words! Gifts! Actions!

1 John 3:18 ESV

18 Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.

Look at this list husbands - to love your wife - love is:

PATIENCE - Can you wait for her

Tash takes forever to leave the house

When I’m sitting there, I sing a song

Brad Paisley sits talking to an old man

You waiting on a woman?

Yeah, you? Since 1952!

I've read somewhere statistics show The man's always the first to go And that makes sense 'cause I know she won't be ready So when it finally comes my time And I get to the other side I'll find myself a bench, if they've got any I hope she takes her time, 'cause I don't mind Waitin' on a woman

Truly, I don’t mind waiting on a woman

Tash makes us late, guess I better get used to walking in late

I like the way she looks, it’s worth it

But what about waiting on other things?

Waiting on her to stop being irritated with me for something stupid I did?

Waiting on her to stop complaining about the door I haven’t fixed yet?

Waiting on her to finishing sweeping so we can watch a show together?

Can’t handle your wife not being perfect?

That’s not her problem, so much as it is yours

Work on patience - because you love her

KINDNESS - Scripture tells us we love God because He first loved us

Husbands, you are to love your wife kindly

Being the first one to give!

Then she will respond, just as she did to God’s love

Don’t ask yourself “do I love my wife?”

Ask, “Does my wife KNOW that I love her?”

Sometimes you gotta tell her

Turn to your wife - say “I love… when Pastor Dan is preaching - he’s so good...

No, say, “I love you”

How about affection? Did you kiss your wife today?

Men who kiss their wives before work live longer and make 20% more money!

Now everybody’s making out in here...

BOASTING/ARROGANCE - This was a wake up call for me

What do you mean boasting in my marriage

“I slave at work all day to give you all this!”

“Most guys would have left by now!”

That’s boasting and it destructive

Mansplaining - talking down to your wife

RUDENESS - Your wife says something you roll your eyes

Walk into a restaurant and let the door slam into her

You would show common courtesy to a stranger

And then treat your own wife like a 2nd class citizen...

INSISTENCE - I hate chick flicks! Let’s watch Die Hard for the 10th time...

When she says, “Maybe call a plumber...”

I know what I’m doing! It’s my way!

IRRITABLE AND RESENTFUL - How easy is it to ruffle your feathers?

One wrong word and you snap off - is that fair?

Resentment - Greek accounting term

Keeping a balance sheet of wrongdoings

Specifically to return to if needed

She said what? I’m going to store that away for our next fight...

No, pull an Elsa - learn to let things go

1 Corinthians 13:7 ESV

7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love simply won’t stop loving

Don’t wait until you feel love, just start loving

You don’t understand - she does this and she does that and she’s crazy

I know it’s hard - that doesn’t make it okay to quit

Don’t walk away from this God-given gift unless it’s absolutely necessary

Just start loving

Start doing kind things

Start saying positive things

Start putting your spouses needs before your own

Hopefully in time, you will start to feel it

Closing

But it’s not fair, is it?

I’ll bet many of you have a list going in your head right now...

My wife hates me

My husband drinks

My wife turned the kids against me

My husband yells at me

My wife manipulates me

My husband uses abusive language

My wife belittles me

My husband won’t help me

If only we could open up that book, the one we call the Bible

If there was just one example of someone - anyone

Is there one person who knows what it’s like to be treated unfairly

Who knows what it’s like to feel pain, to be abused, to be hated

Even after their love was perfect, and holy and kind

If there was only one example of someone who knew how to provide, to forgive and love anyway

There was.

If anyone had a right to walk away, to give up because of injustice and

Think of this:

Christ loves His Church

So much He came, modelled all these things, and gave Himself up

To be beaten and killed, why? For the good of His church...

And now, of all the symbols God could use to display this...

He looked at the role of the husband and said, “It’s your job to model this.”

Those of you who mistreat your wife - you want to brag about your ministry to people?

I raise this, lead this, teach this...

If it doesn’t show up FIRST in the way you love your wife, you’re NOT representing Christ

Ladies, can you treat your husband with the same reverence we hold for Christ?

Can you model humility and respect

If there’s anywhere in life we need to live the gospel, it’s in our marriages

It’s hard - in marriage all of our weaknesses are exposed

We have to set aside our pride, our selfishness and ignorance

We need to admit our wrongs, ask forgiveness and deliver the same to our spouse

And we have to do it over and over and over again

Of the 15 marriages I know of that are failing, broken or ended...

How many do I know are too big for God to handle? None...

That’s why we need to be in prayer for the marriages in our church

Pray for your marriage, parents marriage, kids marriage, other in our church family

Satan wants to kill them for a reason

The more he destroys our families, the more he destroys the Church