Reconciliation: Removing All Hindrances to Unity and Peace

Introduction

Asking for forgiveness from others in a scriptural manner involves acknowledging that you have sinned against them and that you desire mercy and pardon (not be given what you deserve). Asking for forgiveness is a vital step toward reconciliation and may lead to a difference in the relationship. For complete restoration to take place, specific steps of biblical action must be taken (based on Matthew 5:23-24, 18:21-35; Romans 12:18, 14:19; 2 Corinthians 5:17-19; Ephesians 4:32; Colossians 3:12-14; James 5:16; 1 John 1:9).

Repentance

(changing you mind from pleasing self to pleasing God, which is followed by a corresponding Biblical change in your life)

Biblical repentance results in a change from disobedience to Biblically obedient behavior (Psalm 51:12-13; Matthew 3:8; Luke 3:8; Acts 26:20).

Biblical repentance acknowledges sin and takes personal responsibility for it (Psalm 51:1-6; 1 John 1:8-10).

Biblical repentance results from a sorrow for sins committed against God and others (Psalm 38:1-18, esp. verse 17; 2 Corinthians 7:9-10).

Biblical repentance results in a broken (sorrowful for the sin) and contrite heart (completely putting away or crushing any previous reliance on self) (Psalm 51:16-17; James 4:8-10).

Biblical repentance removes reminders of past sins, since those reminders themselves often provide temptations to sin (based on 1 Kings 15:12; Jeremiah 4:1; Acts 19:8-19, esp. verses 18-19).

Confession

(agreeing with God about sins that you have committed against Him and against others, with a commitment to forsake those sins)

You are to confess sins to God in all aspects of thought, word, and action (based on Psalm 51:1-4; 1 John 1:9).

Confess your sins to those against whom you have sinned (based on James 5:16). When confessing sin(s) you have committed against another:

Do not accuse him, judge him, or bring up his failures (Matthew 7:1-5; Romans 2:1; 1 Corinthians 13:5). For example, you should say, “Please forgive me for slamming the door in your face.” Don’t say, “Please forgive me for slamming the door in your face when you called me stupid.” (based on 1 Peter 3:8-9).

Do not give excuses. For example, say, “Please forgive me for using bad language and unwholesome words.” Don’t say, “Please forgive me for my use of bad language, but today is just not a good day for me.” Remember that there is no justification or excuse for sinning against someone or causing anyone to stumble (based on Matthew 18:7; Romans 14:13; 1 Corinthians 10:13).

Do not stop at merely expressing your feelings by saying, “I’m sorry.” “I’m sorry” simply means “I feel sorrow” and is not a statement of a desire to be reconciled. When seeking forgiveness, also identify your wrong as sin (Ephesians 4:15). For example, you might say, “I’m sorry; please forgive me for sinning against you when I yelled at you and called you names.”

Restitution

(responding or compensating for damages your sin has caused)

Biblical restitution should be made whenever possible (based on Leviticus 6:2-5; Numbers 5:5-8; Proverbs 6:30-31). In the case of adultery, forgiveness is available from the Lord (1 John 1:9) and may be granted by those sinned against (Luke 17:3; Ephesians 4:32). However, restitution is not possible (Proverbs 6:32-35).

Biblical restitution is to be made to those against whom you have sinned (based on Exodus 22:1-17; Luke 19:8-9).

Since the goal of Biblical restitution is to be at peace with another, you are not to attempt to “buy back” the relationship or “manipulate” the other person to respond in a way that you desire (based on Romans 12:9, 18).

The Importance of Reconciliation

(putting away enmity with a view to establishing or restoring a relationship of unity and peace)

Biblical reconciliation can only begin with being reconciled to God through Jesus Christ (Romans 5:10-11; 2 Corinthians 5:17-20; Colossians 1:21-22).

The ministry and message of reconciliation between God and mankind is a responsibility and privilege that has been entrusted to you (2 Corinthians 5:17-20, esp. verses 18-19).

Biblical reconciliation with others is so important that it must be done before your worship and service to the Lord. You are not able (fit) to worship or serve the Lord unless you have sought reconciliation with others who are estranged from you (Matthew 5:23-24).

Hindrances to Reconciliation

Inadequate understanding or a lack of forgiveness on the part of another may impeded reconciliation.

The one you have offended may minimize the matter by saying, “Oh, that’s all right. It’s no problem.” You must let him see that it was serious to God and you because it was sin your life (James 2:10, 4:17). You must assure him that you want to reconcile with him completely. You are to emphasize that you do not wish to ignore or minimize your failure and that you intend to change in this area and live God’s way (Matthew 5:23-24; Romans 12:18).

The one offended may not forgive you. In this case, remember you are only responsible for what God instructs you to do; the other person’s response is between him and God (Proverbs 16:7; Ezekiel 18:20; Romans 12:18). However in seeking to be reconciled and at peace with another, assure him that you really do desire his forgiveness and that you intend to change. Tell him the specific steps you will take to make this change. This is especially important in a close relationship (i.e., spouse, family, boss, roommate, co-worker, etc.) so that you can be held accountable to change that will demonstrated Christlikeness in your future deeds.

Waiting for anther to initiate and demonstrate forgiveness delays reconciliation. Remember that you are to forgive on the strength of another’s verbal statement of repentance, not his “sinless,” perfect walk of repentance (Luke 17:4).

If forgiveness by a professing believer is sought and granted yet the one seeking forgiveness persists in sinful behavior, it will be necessary to apply Biblical discipline prayerfully and in a spirit of gentleness. (Galatians 6:1-5).

Reconciliation with a person who has sinned is not possible when that person will not respond with true repentance, confession, and restitution. See below.

An employee steals from his company. Other co-workers witness this theft and report it to their manager, a true believer in Christ. When the manager confronts the person about the allegation of theft, the person admits the crime, says he will not do it again, and asks for forgiveness for violating the manager’s trust. The manager forgives him and counsels him not to do it again. (If the employee is a believer, the manager counsels him regarding put-offs and put-ons, renews fellowship, and admonishes him not to steal again). The manager knows that he must file a report about this situation with his supervisor and does so.

Those in authority review the situation and decide to place the employee on probation. The manager discusses his options concerning the employee with his supervisors. After this consultation, two things are decided for the job: (1) the employee is transferred to another department with job restrictions that are appropriate to the confessed theft, and (2) a payment schedule is worked out so that the employee can make restitution for his theft.

A short time later, the employee steals again from his company but is caught once more. As earlier, the employee admits his theft to his manager, says he will not do it again, and asks his manager to forgive him once again for violating the manager’s trust. The manager again forgives him and counsels him about the consequences of his actions. (If the employee is a believer, the manager warns him of the consequences of continued wrongdoing). The manager again reports the situation to his supervisor and requests guidance concerning job termination, the filing of criminal charges, and possible restitution.