9 Marks of a Healthy Marriage: Helpful Communication

Week #2 - February 6

Series: Nine Marks of a Healthy Marriage

Lesson: Helpful Communication

Text: Ephesians 4:29

Icebreaker:

1001 Illustrations that Connect (Illustration 601: What He Wants of Her)

ILLUSTRATION 601WHAT HE WANTS OF HERTopics: Communication; Gender Differences; Love; Marriage; Men; Romance; WomenReferences: Genesis 2:18–25; Ephesians 5:25–33Here are ten rules men wish women would follow:1. If you ask a question you don’t really want an answer to, expect an answer you didn’t want to hear.2. Sometimes we’re not thinking about you. Live with it.3. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss topics such as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and monster trucks.4. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.5. Crying is blackmail.6. Ask for what you want. Let’s be clear on this one: Subtle hints don’t work. Strong hints don’t work. Really obvious hints don’t work. Just say it!7. No, we don’t know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar you know we check.8. We’re not mind readers, and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.9. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.10. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.—Cheryl Lavin, “Rules Guys Wish Girls Played By,” Chicago Tribune (April 23, 2000)

Exercise:

Every person has been provided with a 3 x 5 card. Please take about 2 minutes to write down your answer to the following question: “What are 3 keys to helpful communication?”

What’s the goal of this lesson?

The goal of this lesson is to show that helpful communication begins with God and me.

Is there a need for this kind of topic or goal?

Review answers from exercise.

There is a need for this kind of lesson because most of us begin with listening or talking strategies for better communication.

Helpful communication does not begin with a strategy.

Helpful communication does not begin with a personality test.

Big Idea: Helpful communication begins with knowing me [and my own ongoing problem] through God’s Person and power.

There is a need for this kind of lesson because out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.

There is a need for this kind of lesson because our hearts also have a tendency to shape what we hear.

Edelman, “Words don’t carry equal weight for everyone.” [p. 65 in I Said This You Heard That]

Biblical illustration of Mary and Martha. John 10:20-33.

What’s the plan for reaching our goal?

(1) Helpful communication begins with heart confession.

(2) Heart confession is the result of Holy Spirit conviction.

(3) Holy Spirit conviction comes from Holy Bible consumption.

Big Idea:

Helpful communication begins with knowing me [and my own ongoing problem] through God’s Person and power.

Illustration: Mirrors that distort what we look like. God and his word being the perfect mirror — as opposed to the mirror of self or our spouse.

(1) Helpful communication begins with heart confession.

We can only have a transparent heart of confession when we see ourselves in the mirror of God’s Word. Who are we?

We are people saved by God - Ephesians 1.

Confessing who we belong to...

We must know who we are (Ephesians 4:24)

Confessing what we are to do because of who we are...

You don’t tell you who you are. You let God tell you who you are, and then you confess with God who you are.

(2) Heart confession is the result of Holy Spirit conviction

Conviction is the process whereby you become convinced of truth. What should we be convinced of?

We are empowered by God to lived disciplined lives for him, but we often fail. - Ephesians 3:16, 4:1-3.

We must know how who we are should impact what we say (Ephesians 4:29)

Kelleman [Ibid, p. 40] speaks of the sin impact on marital relationships as the change from leaving, cleaving, weaving, and receiving to the process of “shame, blame, claim, and maim.”

shame - making each other feel worthless, dirty, weak, and small.

blame - making the other person feel like everything is their fault.

claim - manipulatively demanding that my spouse meet my needs.

maim - retaliating against each other and hurting each other.

Much of this happens at the communication level.

If we will see this as sinful, we must allow the Holy Spirit to bring about conviction through the word of God.

(3) Holy Spirit conviction comes from Holy Bible consumption.

Holy Bible consumption, at a minimum, means the study of Jesus Christ - Ephesians 4:20-21. What does the study of Jesus tell me about the Spirit-empowered life?

We must know who we are building up if we are to build them up (Ephesians 4:29)

“Marriage is a workroom for two people to become more like Christ.” [p. 50 in Gospel-Centered Marriage Counseling by Robert W. Kelleman, Phd.]

Kelleman gives four gospel communion and communication principles from Ephesians 4:25-32. [Ibid, p. 35]

Speak truthful words with love (4:25)

Speak controlled words with patience (4:26-28)

Speak encouraging words with wisdom (4:29-30)

Speak gracious words with humility (4:31-32)

Workshop Work:

Why are words significant?

Quote: “Your temperament is the why behind your _________?”

Which person is the language of people & fun?

Which person is the language of power and control?

Which person is the language of calm and harmony?

Which person is the power of perfection and order?

Let’s take a few moments at our tables and discuss with each other what we learned about our personalities. [Is there a choleric at each table?]...

Two Warnings:

Don't use this as a tool to attack your spouse:) We will learn about each other, and our sinful nature may tempt us to label and pick on our spouses because of assessment results. Positively-stated, please use this as a means to learn how you can better know, love, and serve your spouse.

Don't use this tool for excusing personal sin. There are truths you will learn about yourself through this workshop, but the workshop, assessments, and exercises are not for the purpose of excuse-making. Positively-stated, please use this tool for self-reflection and possible points of repentance and confession.

What are the weaknesses of the Sanguine, Choleric, Melancholic and Phlegmatic? What does this look like in communication in marriage?

Homework:

Read and complete “Strengths & Weaknesses” in ISTYHT, pp. 41-55.