Are You a Lone Wolf

Friendship is one of the least necessary loves in our lives to our survival as a human race. CS Lewis in his book the four loves says that Eros is necessary because without it you would never have been born. Affection is important because without it you mom would have just left you on the side of the road for some animals to eat, but friendship is a luxury to be enjoyed. Eros and Affection are tied directly to our physical impulses, but friendship is completely a matter of choice and yet many choose not to develop deep friendships. For most of us, our deepest relationships are merely occasional acquaintances.

Substitutes for Biblical Friendship

A. Homosexuality

Our cultural has taught men especially, that they cannot have deep friends. Men languish on in isolation. If men have good friends, our society has automatically assumed they must be homosexual. Take for instance the modern concept that David and Jonathan were gay lovers. Or take for an example a more modern story, the wheel of time in the Amazon adaptation, took two women who were close friends and made them into lesbians lovers. Out of fear of being labeled gay, men have avoided having any really close friendships with other men. For the most part we have caved to the pressure of the world. We have friendships with our wives sometimes but rarely anyone else. Those who make the claim that no two man came be really good friends without being gay reveal two things about themselves, that they fear they might be gay if they have a close friend and they have never had a close friend in the past.

B. Companionship

Companionship is an essential part of being friends but it is often substituted for being friends. Companionship is hanging out with people to talk shop. You have common interests and like to get together to talk about those things, but even this is merely a substitute for friendship because it doesn’t go any deeper. This kind of relationship is based only on common interests. Its a great starting point but not enough.

The Danger of being alone

Prov 18:1 “Through desire a man, having separated himself, seeketh And intermeddleth with all wisdom.” This passage is unfortunately translated and gives us the wrong impression about its meaning. If I were to take it the way the English read, the verse makes it sound like a man is getting alone to seek wisdom, but the meaning of the verse is that a man who isolates himself is seeking his own selfish desires and breaks out or fights against all wisdom. The word “intermeddleth” here is a negative word and its root meaning is to fight against something. Proverbs is teaching that isolationism is the result of selfishness and is not wise.

Gen 2:18 “And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.”

In the beginning, God knew that it was not good for man to be alone. This is why God created the woman and the union of a man and a woman is not intended to be just a romantic union but one based on friendship.

1 Cor 12:20-21 “But now are they many members, yet but one body. And the eye cannot say unto the hand, I have no need of thee: nor again the head to the feet, I have no need of you.”

God created the Church because as believers we are not intended to live the Christian life alone. We are created for community. As a part of that body, we are codependent on each other and the church cannot be everything it was created to be if you are disengaged, uninterested and uninvolved. God has designed some of our deepest relationships to be found in the “Church.” This doesn’t mean you can’t have friends outside of church, but why can’t we find true friends in the community we are called to be a part of. Something is wrong if that is the case. The body suffers when we isolate ourselves.

The Benefits of Having a Friend

Prov 18:24 “A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly: And there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.”

It is such a blessing to have a close family. One of the things I have always loved about Katy’s family is how close they all are. But when it comes down to family, in a way they all stick with you because they have to. They may not like you but you are family and there are some family obligations. A friend on the other hand is someone who chose you. When the author of this Proverb wrote these words, he was writing them in a highly family-oriented culture. So it is saying something for him to say this. Proverbs 17:17 “A friend loveth at all times, And a brother is born for adversity.” Family is there for you during the hard times because there is a loyalty to you, but a friend loves at all times. The word “sticketh” refers to clinging to someone. You could say they are clingy.

2. Prov 27:9 “Ointment and perfume rejoice the heart: So doth the sweetness of a man’s friend by hearty counsel.” Good friends makes us happy. They are like good cologne. We love to smell them. No but their presence brings enjoyment. We love being around them.

3. Eccl 4:12 “And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” There is strength in numbers. Friends help us when we are struggling. They lift us up when we fall down. Most of the world will stand there and kick us when we are down, but a fried reaches out to help. When life beats us down, they encourage us and strengthen us.

How to Be a Good Friend (borrowed from Tim Keller)

A. Constancy- Proverbs 17:17 “A friend loveth at all times, And a brother is born for adversity.” This can’ mean they have to be at your house all the time. Proverbs 25:17 “Withdraw thy foot from thy neighbor’s house; Lest he be weary of thee, and so hate thee.” There is a point where maybe there is just too much of you. The meaning of all times here is all kinds of times. The good, the bad, the dull, the happy. A good friend is available for you constantly. You cannot be a friend without availability. Its not just availability, a friend will not let you go to ruin. He is there to rescue you in the bad times. Proverbs 18:24 “A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly: And there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.”

B. Carefulness- Proverbs 27:14 “He that blesseth his friend with a loud voice, rising early in the morning, It shall be counted a curse to him.” A good friend cares about how his friends feel. He is emotionally aware. Proverbs 25:20 “As he that taketh away a garment in cold weather, And as vinegar upon nitre, So is he that singeth songs to an heavy heart.” This type of song is a loud, noisy, joyful song. A Wise friend knows how to meet the needs of his friend. True friends have that emotional connection. Do you go around singing joyfully when your friend is depressed?

C. Candor- Truth telling- Proverbs 27:6 “Faithful are the wounds of a friend; But the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.” True friends do not shy away from speaking needed truth into the lives of their friends. There is a paradox in this proverb friendly wounds, but deadly kisses. If you love your friend too much to tell them the truth, you actually love yourself too much to tell them the truth. There is transperancy, and openess. There is authenticity and truth while there is also carefulness. “Speak the truth in love...”

D. Council- Proverbs 27:17 “Iron sharpeneth iron; So a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.” True friends seek to make each other better.

How to Have Friends

Common interests- John 15:13-15 “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. Ye are my friends, if ye do whatsoever I command you. Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you.”

Friendship arises out of mere Companionship when two or more of the companions discover that they have in common some insight or interest or even taste which the others do not share and which, till that moment, each believed to be his own unique treasure (or burden). The typical expression of opening Friendship would be something like, ‘What? You too? I thought I was the only one.’” CS Lewis

2. Be a friend- Proverbs 18:24 “A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly: And there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.” If you want to have friends you must take the initiative to be a friend. But keep in mind, this process of finding friends is really about discovering friends. “The very condition of having Friends is that we should want something else besides Friends” (Those common interests) Imagine trying to make friends with someone who you have shared something you are passionate about and he responds, I don’t see it like that and I don’t care. There is no basis for friendship. Take the initiative to put yourself out there, find the people that you have things in common with and might I add as believers we have something in common that we should all be consumed with: Jesus Christ.

Conclusion

Real examples of deep friendships are rare in most literature and entertainment so we don’t even know what a true friend would look like. The greatest example in secular literature that we have is the story of Samwise and Frodo from Lord of the Rings. Frodo was doomed to have to carry the ring of power to destroy it in the fires of Mordor. That burden was his and his alone. Other men became tempted to take the ring and take the power it could give, but Frodo was the one determined to destroy it. Having started off with a band of friends, but being betrayed by one of them, Frodo and his oldest friend Sam set off on their own. Sam always fought for Frodo, protected Frodo, cared for him and when that burden became heavier as he mounted Mount Doom to throw the ring into the volcano, Sam carried him all the way up that mountain. Sam was there for Frodo; Sam cared only for Frodo’s good; Sam sacrificed his home and comforts for Frodo. He never wanted to leave the Shire in the first place. Such is an example of True friendship.

But even that example pales in comparison to Jesus Christ and at best is a varnished mirror of what Jesus did for us. Sam and Frodo were always friends, but we made ourselves the enemies of God. We chose to rebel against our loving God and yet Jesus left his throne in heaven, bore our heavy burden, paid for our rebellion, healed our sick, cared for us, and now offers forgiveness. Jesus transcends even the best stories of true friends that we have and serves as our example of how to be a friend.