02-13-2022 - Sermon - How to Have a Godly Marriage

OPENING

I read a story about a couple, Ted and Bessie, who celebrated their fiftieth wedding anniversary. They were in their seventies. And Ted, the husband, had lost much of his hearing during this time. And yet they were still getting along together and celebrating this great anniversary. Their family came from all over and enjoyed celebrating this milestone together. Finally, toward sundown, all the family went home. Bessie and Ted decided to walk out on the front porch and sit down on the swing and watch the sunset. The old gentleman pulled his tie loose and leaned back and didn’t say much. Bessie looked at him lovingly and said, “You know, Ted, I’m real proud of you.” The old gentleman turned and looked at her with a puzzled look on his face and said, “Well, Bessie, I’m real tired of you too!” Sadly, far too many marriages reach that same place. The husband and the wife just get tired of one another and they go their separate ways. That is not God’s ideal for marriage. God wants marriages to be strong. He wants them to last long. He wants them to be a reflection of His relationship with His Church.

Relationship Matters! As we said last week, it all comes down to Loving God and Loving People. So we can really boil down all of God’s commandments and the law of Christ in one word: Love. Love is the heartbeat of Christianity. Last week we talked about how to develop the right Heartitude toward God and others. This week were going to talk about how we live this out in the home, specifically in marriage. Because as the marriage goes, so goes the home. And as the home goes, so goes the church. As the church goes, so goes the community. You get the point. Strong marriages and strong homes will result in strong churches and strong communities. But it begins with us as individuals who are submitted and devoted to Christ in love. That love then spills over into our relationships with others. And the expression of love in relationships should begin in our homes.

So today we’re going to discuss, “How to Have a Godly Marriage.” What does God’s Word say about the marriage relationship? Now before you tune out and say, “this message is not for me,” let me try to remove that thought out of your mind. If you are currently married, have ever been married, could possibly ever be married in the future, or know someone who is married, this message is for you! It is either for you personally, or we’re hopefully going to share with you some of the wisdom of God’s Word concerning marriage that you can share with others to help them in their relationships.

SCRIPTURE

Ephesians 5:22–33 NKJV

22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. 24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, 26 that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, 27 that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. 28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. 30 For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. 31 “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

MESSAGE

This is one of those passages of Scripture that some people would just rather ignore. That’s probably because it is one of the most misunderstood or misinterpreted. People have used these Scriptures to come up with all kinds of wrong ideas about the roles and functions of men and women in marriage and in general. But we are not going to ignore God’s Word. This is one of the longest single teachings on marriage in the Bible. So we are not going to ignore it. We are going to seek to understand it so that we have a clear understanding of How to Have a Godly Marriage. And then, once we understand it, we should seek to apply it to our own lives.

The Biblical Role of the Wife

Ephesians 5:22 NKJV

22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.

The Biblical role of the wife in a marriage is to submit to her own husband, as to the Lord. First of all, we need to define the scope of this verse. It is about the marriage relationship between a husband and wife. This statement has nothing to do with:

Men and women in general. So this verse does not say that women must submit to men. They are to submit to their own husbands.

It has nothing to do with men and women’s roles in the workplace.

It has nothing to do with boyfriends. Young ladies, you are not to submit to your boyfriend. If you are still a young lady living at home you are under the authority of your father.

It has nothing to do with who is more gifted. I think most husbands would agree that their wives are more gifted in certain areas than they are.

It has nothing to do with intelligence. I think all husbands would be extremely wise at this point in the service to agree that their wives are more intelligent than they are.

This statement is specifically about the roles of the husband and wife as defined by God for marriage. So what does this statement mean and, ladies, how are you to apply this Scripture to your marriage? I’m going to give you four things it does not mean and two things it does mean:

Four Things Eph. 5:22 Does Not Mean

It does not mean that the wife is unequal.

Jesus Himself, though He is the eternal Son of God, demonstrated a submissive heart. In John 13 after the Passover meal, Jesus takes a bowl of water and a towel and washes His disciples feet. The Bible says that Jesus did this as an example of the submissive heart we should have toward others. Jesus also submitted Himself to the Father. In the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus prays, “Father not My will, but thy will be done.” This doesn’t mean that Jesus is somehow less than the Father. Both are equally God. But Jesus understands His role in the Trinity and submits Himself to the will of the Father. This statement in Verse 22 is a statement of the role and function of the wife in a marriage relationship. It is not a statement of worth or value.

Galatians 3:28 NKJV

28 There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus.

Husbands and wives are equal before God.

It does not mean that the wife must always agree with her husband.

We are going to get to the role of husbands in just a minute, but wives, you are to follow your husband as he follow Christ. But you do not have to follow your husband if he is leading you contrary to God’s Word. The disciples were arrested and told not to preach or teach in the name of Jesus. Now Jesus taught them to be subject to the higher authorities. But in this case, the higher authorities were requiring them to do something that went against God’s Word and God’s plan. So the disciples responded:

Acts 5:29 NKJV

29 But Peter and the other apostles answered and said: “We ought to obey God rather than men.

Wives, your first priority is obeying God. But that does not negate your requirement to submit to your husband. It does mean that you may not always agree.

It does not mean that the wife does not have influence with her husband.

In a healthy marriage, the wife should have input into the marriage. Tabitha and I work together as a team; in our marriage, in raising our children, in our pastoral ministry. And I value her ideas and her opinions. And if I’m being honest, when I’m willing to listen, most of the time she’s right, or she’s thought of the situation in a way I didn’t consider before, or she adds something that improves whatever it is we’re dealing with. The wife should have influence with her husband in a marriage relationship. Peter even described how a wife can exert positive influence over her husband that is not saved.

1 Peter 3:1 NKJV

1 Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives,

The wife winning her husband to Christ by her conduct is influence.

It does not mean that the wife should ever live in fear of her husband.

A husband should never use his position in the marriage relationship to exert some sort of dictatorship over his wife. Many people have twisted the meaning of this verse and have used it to justify all types of abuse: physical, emotional, verbal, sexual. That is totally opposed to God’s design for marriage.

1 John 4:18 NKJV

18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.

That type of abuse is not God’s design for marriage. And the wife should not be treated as less than or a piece of property.

Two Things Eph. 5:22 Does Mean

The wife is to honor and affirm her husband’s leadership.

Look back at verses 23-24:

Ephesians 5:23–24 NKJV

23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. 24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.

The husband is to be the authority of the wife. That means one of his primary responsibilities is to lead his wife and his family in following Christ. Regarding husbands, someone once said, “You are either leading them to God or to oblivion.”

So what does this look like in practice?:

The husband should set the overall direction of the family.

The husband should be the spiritual leader of the family.

The husband should be involved in the discipline of his children and he should support his wife when she disciplines.

The husband should take responsibility for the big decisions. This does not mean that the husband does not consult with his wife and they make the decision together. It does mean that he carries the weight of responsibility for making the wrong decision and doesn’t blame his wife.

The wife, in turn, should honor and affirm her husband’s leadership. When her husband is moving the family in the right direction and he makes a mistake or falls flat on his face, a godly wife is there to encourage him and affirm him instead of kicking him when he’s down.

Dr. E.V. Hill was dynamic minister and the senior pastor at Mt. Zion Missionary Baptist Church in Los Angeles. In one of Dr. Hill’s most moving messages, he spoke about his wife Jane at her funeral and described the ways this “classy lady” made him a better man. As a struggling young preacher, E. V. had trouble earning a living. That led him to invest the family’s scarce resources, over Jane’s objections, in the purchase of a gas station. She felt her husband lacked the time and expertise to oversee his investment, which proved to be accurate. Eventually, the station went broke, and E. V. lost his shirt in the deal. It was a critical time in the life of this young man. He had failed at something important, and his wife would have been justified in saying, “I told you so.” But Jane had an intuitive understanding of her husband’s vulnerability. Thus, when E. V. called to tell her that he had lost the station, she said simply, “All right.”

Shortly after the fiasco with the service station, E. V. came home one night and found the house dark. When he opened the door, he saw that Jane had prepared a candlelight dinner for two. “What meaneth thou this?” he said with characteristic humor. “Well,” said Jane, “we’re going to eat by candlelight tonight.” E. V. thought that was a great idea and went into the bathroom to wash his hands. He tried unsuccessfully to turn on the light. Then he felt his way into the bedroom and flipped another switch. Darkness prevailed. The young pastor went back to the dining room and asked Jane why the electricity was off. She began to cry. “You work so hard, and we’re trying,” said Jane, “but it’s pretty rough. I didn’t have quite enough money to pay the light bill. I didn’t want you to know about it, so I thought we would just eat by candlelight.” Dr. Hill described his wife’s words with intense emotion: “She could have said, ‘I’ve never been in this situation before. I was reared in the home of Dr. Caruthers, and we never had our light cut off.’ She could have broken my spirit; she could have ruined me; she could have demoralized me. But instead she said, ‘Somehow or another we’ll get these lights on. But tonight we’re going to eat by candlelight.’ ”

The wife is to help and support her husband.

God created man and women to be perfectly suited for each other.

Genesis 2:18 NKJV

18 And the Lord God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.”

Genesis 2:18 MEV

18 Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone. I will make him a helper suitable for him.”

This is the first time during the Creation account that God said something was not good. Adam, by himself, was incomplete. So God made a “help meet” or a companion that was perfectly suited for him. Tabitha completes me. I could not do what I do without her. She is perfectly suited for me. But that does not mean that we are exactly the same. We are different. But it is our differences that make us complete. When go together like sweet and sour. Like peanut butter and jelly. I’ll let you guess which one is which. She completes the things in me that I lack, and I hope she can say that I complete her as well.

The Biblical Role of the Husband

Notice that there are roughly twice as many requirements for husbands as there was for wives. God apparently has a lot to say to husbands about their role in the marriage relationship.

Three Ways a Husband Should Love His Wife

Unconditionally

Ephesians 5:25 NKJV

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her,

Notice in verse 25 that God instructs husbands to love their wives, but He didn’t instruct wives to love their husbands. Now there is a passage in Titus where older women are instructed to teach the younger women how to love their husbands. It is interesting that the Greek word for love in that passage is philandros. Philandros means to be fond of or could be translated as “like.” Husbands, if you are like me, you don’t have to wonder whether your wife loves you or not, because she doesn’t hide her emotions. She lets you know exactly what’s she’s feeling. But are there some days when you wonder if she likes you? Maybe showing love doesn’t come as naturally to us men as it does for women. So maybe that’s why he reminds us here to love our wives.

Husbands are instructed to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her. How did Christ love his Bride, the church? Christ loved His Bride, the Church, so much that He was willing to lay down His life for her. That is unconditional love. Husbands you are to love your wife unconditionally. She needs to know that you are there for her no matter what. She needs to know that if she messes up, or doesn’t have it all together sometimes, that at the end of the day you still love her with an unconditional love.

Unashamedly

Ephesians 5:26–27 NKJV

26 that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, 27 that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.

Jesus is going to present His Bride, the church, as a glorious church, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing. Jesus wants His church to be holy and without blemish. He has done this by giving His church everything she needs to succeed and oversees her growth. Husbands are to love their wives in the same way. Husbands, you are to support your wife and make sure she has everything she needs to flourish. It is your responsibility to oversee her spiritual growth. To make sure she is growing in her relationship with Christ. But husbands, you lead from the front, not the back. You must lead by example. You are to blaze the trail in front of her and make a clear path for her to follow Jesus. If you’re trying to lead from the back, you’re not leading, you’re either following or pushing and neither of those is helpful.

Husbands, your love for your wife should motivate you to want to present her as a glorious bride. To lift her up, to encourage her, and to support her at home and in front of others.

Unselfishly

Ephesians 5:28–31 NKJV

28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. 30 For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. 31 “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”

Jesus nourishes and cherishes His Bride, the Church. Husbands should love their wives in the same way. Husband, when you got married, you ceased to be just you. You and your wife have become one flesh. That means she is now a part of who you are. That means you put her needs ahead of your own. That means you look out for her interests. Sometimes it may mean doing something you wouldn’t normally do because it is important to her.

Husbands you are to nourish and cherish your wife. How do you react toward her? Do you lift her up or put her down? Does she feel more safe and secure when you come home or when you leave? Do you show her that you love her everyday? Would your wife say she feels like you cherish her? Are you nourishing your wife and loving her in a Godly way?

When Chris Spielman played for the Buffalo Bills, he was everything a middle linebacker should be: tough, strong, and smart. He played with passion, total commitment, and loyalty to the game. He played the entire 1995 season with a torn pectoral muscle that he sustained in the season opener. But the game took a distant second place in his thinking during the 1998 season. He chose to stay home. He cooked, took care of his kids, and cared for his wife—by choice. Stephanie, Chris’s wife, was struggling through the stark reality of breast cancer. Surgery, chemotherapy, and nausea were Stephanie’s opponents. During her fight, Chris was at her side. His actions supported his “family before job” credo. Asked by a reporter from the Rochester Democrat and Chronicle if he’d consider a return to the Bills late in the season, Spielman said, “I’d play in a heartbeat, but what kind of man would I be if I backed out on my word to her? I wouldn’t be a man at all.” Football fans saw Spielman as a man because of his aggressive, leave-it-all-on-the-field style of play. But what really makes him a man? It’s his personal sacrifice and unending commitment and loyalty to his wife.

CLOSING

Ephesians 5:32 NKJV

32 This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

The marriage relationship between a husband and wife should be a picture of the Gospel. It is an example of the relationship between Christ and the church. Marriage exists to reflect God’s glory. “God does not exist to magnify your marriage. Your marriage exists to magnify God.”

The way to ensure that you have a Godly marriage is to put God at the center of your relationship.

A braid appears to contain only two strands of hair. But it is impossible to create a braid with only two strands. If the two could be put together at all, they would quickly unravel. Herein lies the mystery: What looks like two strands requires a third. The third strand, though not immediately evident, keeps the strands tightly woven. In a Christian marriage, God’s presence, like the third strand in a braid, holds husband and wife together.

Ecclesiastes 4:12 NKJV

12 Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

Paul summarizes this section in verse 33:

Ephesians 5:33 NKJV

33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Husbands, love your wives. Wives, respect your husbands. When one or both of these Godly principles are not being followed, it creates a vicious negative cycle. The husband does not show his wife love. The wife responds by not showing her husband respect. Because his wife does not show him respect, the husband doesn’t show her love.

When this happens, someone has to be the bigger person and break the cycle. This results in a positive cycle. The husband shows love to his wife. The wife responds by showing respect to her husband. Because his wife shows him respect, the husband responds by showing love to his wife.

ALTAR CALL

Let me ask you a few questions?

Is your marriage relationship a reflection of the Gospel of Jesus Christ?

Is the love of God in display in your marriage for all the world to see?

Wives, are you following God’s design for your role in the marriage?

Husbands, are you living up to God’s expectations for the way you should love your wife?

Is the devil trying to interfere in your relationship?

If you need help this morning, the altar is open.