The Clash

Introduction

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Hope you’ve been praying for marriages

One week left for 21-Day Marriage Prayer Challenge

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Next week - new series: Moses!

Designed by Worship Director Jacob Clark

Today finishing #relationshipgoals

Closing with conflict resolution

I want to use an orange today...

Two people arguing over orange

Scene 1

One persons throws the orange

The other mashes it in the others eyes

Result: No one wins

Anger is not a tool that brings good results

Mentality: I will FORCE you to give me what I want

That just causes more conflict

Scene 2

One person hands over the orange cowering

The other gets what they want

Result: One person wins

Why it didn’t work:

Very noble and kind?

God teaches us to sacrifice - but that was not their motivation

People pleasing is not the answer

It’s fear based

Candi will say you’re seeking validation horizontally

It becomes a habit until you rollover for everything

As a doormat, you become bitter, burned out and powerless

Scene 3

One person says the other can have the orange

Then throws it in the street and says it was an accident

Result: No one wins

Sabotage

Forgetting conflict is about getting what we want

NOT about stopping others from getting what they want

Scene 4

One person says the other can have it

Gives them a baseball painted orange

Result: One person wins

Deceitfulness: maybe a short term win

BUT you breed mistrust in the long run

Next orange won’t be so easy

Scene 5

Bring in a mediator

He says split the orange 50/50

Both yell No!

Result: No one wins

Why a problem? Solution focused

Is that bad?

Seeking a solution - no

Only looking at a solution - yes

Let me show you what I mean

Scene 6

(Same mediator)

He says, what do you want? - zest for cake

What do you want? - juice for smoothie

You get the zest, you get the juice

Result: Everyone wins

Because he looked at the needs of the people...

And THEN looked for a solution!

Obviously oversimplified scenario

Conflict is usually not so easy

But starting with understanding what someone needs is key

YouVersion: The Clash

All over the NT (James 4, Matthew 5, 7, 18, Philippians, Colossians, Galatians

Where Does Church Conflict Come From?

Looking at church, not unbelievers

You may not know, but the Church is NOT responsible for unbelievers sin!

Doesn’t mean we don’t stand for righteousness…

But it’s not our job to judge unbelievers sin

However, IN CHURCH it is our responsibly!

Not just allowed, but required!

But we do it in LOVE

Discipline is to bring them back to God

NOT to deliver punishment

Punishment is God’s job

Let’s begin by thinking about a church conflict

If you’ve been hurt, think about the scenario...

Prepare to ask yourself challenging questions...

I’ll use a past issue for me - contemporary worship being pushed aside/cancelled

Look at my attitude as you look at yours

1. Selfishness

Was I selfish? Absolutely...

I didn’t care about what others wanted, because I knew what I wanted

What’s that called? Selfishness...

It’s an inability to set your desires aside

2 choices when we’re selfish: My way, or the highway

James 4:1–3 (ESV)

1 What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? 2 You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. 3 You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.

Who made me king of the world?

If it’s not what I think, it’s not good enough

For the sake of mutual growth, learn to not get your way sometimes...

James teaches - fights come from our sinful flesh

James, Peter, Paul, Jesus - all say unity is more important than getting our way

ONLY in matters on sin does that change

2. Pride

Was I proud? Absolutely...

You think people wanna hear organs and choirs… Ha!

We have the true form of worship!

Can I really be worshipping if I have pride in the method?

Why did that service get shut down?

Only 15 people went to it...

Everyone else chose to worship another way

My boasting was for nothing

James 4:6–10 (ESV)

6 But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” 7 Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8 Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9 Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. 10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.

God opposes the proud - sets Himself in battle array...

If you are proud, God goes to war against you!

It’s like Betty fighting with me

It’s fun and cute, but when she misbehaves, all her puppy pride goes away

Same for us who fight in pride

When God battles against you and your pride… you’d better be ready to surrender

3. Unforgiveness

Was I unforgiving? Absolutely...

I left the church over it

How dare you remove my preference!

If you asked me, I might say, “I put up with too much from them!”

How much is too much?

Matthew 18:21–22 (ESV)

21 Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” 22 Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.

Not exact number - Jesus says, you’re not even in the ballpark Peter

Why? Christ forgives us INFINITELY!

And we are called to forgive likewise

4. Indifference

I don’t care about you!

Was I indifferent? Absolutely...

Some people been for generations

Some people had strong convictions

Some people couldn’t handle change

Did I have compassion in their weaknesses?

No, but I sure expected grace in mine...

I’m not going to pretend that the others in church did it all right

But I didn’t either

Setting aside ourselves for the sake of others is what Christ teaches us

Philippians 2:3–4 (ESV)

3 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.

We don’t ignore the needs of others

We put them first

CH Spurgeon: “The apostle knew that, to create concord, you need first to beget lowliness of mind. Men do not quarrel when their ambitions have come to an end.”

Let me make it simple

Where does church conflict come from? Sin...

This passage recaps all of this:

Colossians 3:12–15 (ESV)

12 Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, 13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. 14 And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. 15 And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.

Steps for Resolution:

I want to give you four practical steps for conflict

Again, for believers… unbelievers is similar, but another animal

1. Develop the right attitude

Galatians 6:1 (ESV)

1 Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.

Another word for gentleness is to be meek

Prautes (Prow-ooh-tace): Gentleness, meekness, humility

David Guzik: It is impossible to translate this ancient Greek word praus (meek) with just one English word. It has the idea of the proper balance between anger and indifference, of a powerful personality properly controlled, and of humility.

It’s intentional humility, not one of force or abuse

We choose to respond to weakness gently, being mindful of our own weakness first

Jesus spoke about the meek once...

Matthew 5:5 (ESV)

5 “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.

Jesus gives a lot of reward to those who are humble and meek

N.T. Wright: The whole point of the kingdom of God is Jesus has come to bear witness to the true truth, which is nonviolent. When God wants to take charge of the world, he doesn't send in the tanks. He sends in the poor and the meek.

Because of that posture, we are also forgiving and patient

2. Check yourself

Matthew 7:3–5 (ESV)

3 Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? 4 Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.

This means evaluating your own part in a conflict

For some, it’s impossible to think they might be wrong or at fault

“Looks like you put on a few pounds… you should lose some weight.”

“What? Looks like you ate a whole playground of children!”

We’re talking about hypocrisy here

In the spirit of being meek and humble, look at yourself FIRST

Know your faults BEFORE you engage

3. Confront the individual

Matthew 18:15 (ESV)

15 “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.

Very important - ALONE

You don’t go above a person, around them, behind their back

You GO TO the person first

Many of you have come to me problems with others - what do I say?

Have you spoken to this person about it...

If not, I don’t need to know yet!

Always excuses - they’re gonna be mad, they won’t listen, they don’t care...

Give them a chance

You may be right, doesn’t mean you don’t do your part

Imagine the Super Bowl

Stafford comes out - touchdown!

He’s gonna run a post route and you won’t be able to cover him - I already know

No Matthew, you can’t just “know,” you have to do it!

Give them an opportunity to respond well

You never know - gasp* - you might actually be wrong!

Then you will have gained your brother!

Isn’t it worth speaking to them if you may get to keep them as a brother!

That sounds like a good deal to me

But if you’re not and they don’t respond well, then we jump to step 4

4. Seek mediation

Matthew 18:16–17 (ESV)

16 But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.

Notice Jesus doesn’t say, go to two or three others and gossip about that jerk!

The idea is restoration/reconciliation

We actually have two choices here

You take the issue to other people

Drop it

If it’s not worth it, drop it

(Don’t hang onto it for the next time - really drop it)

Don’t forget about the other side of this

What if somebody takes YOU to the elders or friends or the church…?

If you have all these Christian’s pointing out where you’ve strayed, you might want to listen

Conclusion

Matthew 5:9 ESV

9 “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.

Not the warriors, not the cowards, not the abusers, not the manipulators, not peace-fakers...

The PEACEMAKERS are children of God

$20 illustration

People may trample you, mistreat you, kick you around… BUT

You don’t find your value in those people

You don’t find your value in being righteous

You don’t find your value in being correct

You find it in Christ

And as a child of God, as Christ’s ambassador, as a Jesus follower

We have to hold Him, before we hold whatever it is that’s making us angry, irritated, indignant

Because at the end of whatever they have done, you still have your value