Session Two: The Biblical Basis for Marriage (Part 2)

SeSession Two: The Biblical Basis for Marriage (Part 2)

Session two will pick up in the NT. We established a foundation for marriage from the book of Genesis, specifically chapters 1-2. We noted, briefly, the various deformities of God’s established roles, responsibilities, and goals for marriage.

Now we come to the NT where we receive several important passages on marriage, particularly Ephesians 5:22-33. We will touch on a few others, but this will comprise the majority of our time. Let’s remember our goals for premarital counseling:

Our goals for premarital counseling are:

To have a biblical understanding of marriage (foundation)

To glorify God through your marriage (branch)

To understand your respective roles (branch)

To provide you the tools for God-glorying, spouse-edifying communication and conflict resolution (branch)

To utilize your marriage as a “gospel tract” (Newcomer, branch)

I. Paul’s teaching on Marriage is founded upon “walking in wisdom” (5:15-21)

Walking is a choice we make

Walking in wisdom profitably uses our time

Walking in wisdom is the will of God

Paul then expands this “walking in wisdom” in different roles (husband and wife, children and parents, bondservants and masters)

II. Paul’s teaching on the Wife (5:22-24, Col. 3:18, 1 Pet. 3:1-6)

The wife is to “submit” to her own husband (emphasizing the intimacy and union once again)

“The basic idea presented here and repeated in 5:24b is that women should not seek to assert themselves in the home in a way that could be viewed as ruling, controlling, or dominating.” Clinton Arnold, Ephesians, 380.

What this does not mean:

“It does not call for ‘obedience’”

“It does not make the husband the boss and the wife the servant.”

“It does not lead to the wife’s lose of her self (or her identity).”

“It does not mean that the wife loses her voice and decisions are made unilaterally.”

“It does not set up the wife for emotional, verbal, or physical abuse.”

What this does mean:

“to receive her husband’s love, care, and provision”

“to provide encouragement, support, and input to her husband’s initiatives to give vision and direction to the family”

“to resist the temptation to ‘take control’”

“to resist the impulse to undermine or complain about the leadership her husband provides”

“to align her spending habits with the priorities she agreed upon with her husband for the vision and direction of the household” (Arnold, Ephesians, 401-403

This submission is “as to the Lord,” i.e., obeying the Lord

The submission of the wife to the husband is similar to the submission of the Church to Christ

The parallel of Christ’s love for the Church is the husband’s love for the wife

This submission is thorough—in everything

III. Paul’s teaching on the Husband (Eph. 5:25-30, Col. 3:19, 1 Pet. 3:7)

The husband is to “love [his] wife”

“As Christ loved the Church and gave Himself up for Her”

“Paul now sets a high standard for the kind of love a husband should have for his wife. The example that Christ sets is for a husband to be willing to sacrifice everything for the benefit and well-being of his wife.” Arnold, 383.

“Love in the context of marriage is giving to your wife that which the Bible says she needs without having some temporal reward as your primary motive.” Lou Priolo, The Complete Husband, 103)

“As their own bodies”

“Paul’s thought here is that husbands should carefully consider all of the ways that they care for themselves and make sure that they provide the same level of care for their wives.” Arnold, Ephesians, 391

What does this look like to love?

“To grow in a willingness to deny himself to ensure his wife’s well-being and care”

“to care for her in a compassionate and loving way when she is sick”

“to be willing to lovingly care for his wife as long as she would need it if she were to become disabled or terminally ill and could provide nothing to him in return”

“to resist the impulse to spend money on things that are outside of the priorities that the two have established for the household”

“to be vigilant to guard against tones and language that could wound his wife”

“to spend regular quality time with his wife and consistently make her feel precious to him”

“to take every precaution not to demean his wife by looking at other women in inappropriate ways and desiring them in his heart”

“to deny himself of the desire to relax when his wife needs to talk or engage (e.g., turning off the sports channel when his wife has an emotional need he should attend to)”

What does it look like to lead?

“to lead and not boss or rule”

“to resist the temptation to any form of self-centered demanding”

“to learn to discern his wife’s needs and strive to meet them”

“to recognize his wife’s giftedness and identify ways to support her and give her opportunity to express her gifts”

“to be responsible for seeking his wife’s input on casting vision and direction for the family oriented around God’s kingdom purposes”

“to take the initiative in conflict resolution”

“to concentrate on doing what this passage speaks about his role rather than to insist that his wife fulfill her role”

IV. The Ultimate Goal Realized (Eph. 5:31-33)

When husbands and wives function the way God commands, He is glorified and they enjoy a wonderful union. As we look at the above expansion of these roles and responsibilities, you may find yourself completely incapable of fulfilling these. You would be right! The last item I want to touch on before ending our session is the means by which we can fulfill our roles: through Spirit-empowered living.

In Ephesians 5:18 Paul tells us how we can accomplish the tasks of husbands and wives. It is through the filling (control) of the Spirit.

Homework Assignments

In preparation for our next session, work through each question. Follow the instructions regarding the readings and answer to the best of your ability. Bring these questions back and be prepared to discuss them at the next session.

Compare Paul’s instructions from Ephesians 5:22-33 with Genesis 1-2. How do the passages differ? In what ways are they similar?

How does the wife submitting make it easier for the husband to love her?

How does the husband loving make it easier for the wife to submit?

What tendencies do you face (husband and wife) that make loving or submitting more difficult? (Write 2-3 examples)

How does Paul’s instructions help you fight against your tendencies in the previous question?

Read chapters 2, 5, and 6 of “When Sinners Say ‘I Do’” and answer the following questions.

According to Harvey in chapter two, sin is primarily against whom? (cf. Deut. 9:16, 1 Sam. 15:4, and Psalm 51:4)

On page 42 Harvey writes, “In my marriage I began to notice the very real but less obvious sins I was regularly committing against Kimm—sins we have become ‘comfortable with’ but they, nevertheless, were slowly eroding our relationship.” In light of the husband’s and wife’s responsibilities in Ephesians 5:22-33, what sins do couples you know are they “comfortable with”?

In chapter five, how does Harvey define mercy? (page 79)

On page 82, Harvey writes, “Mercy doesn’t change the need to speak the truth.” He then discusses what mercy does change. What is it? And how would this transformation sweeten your relationship with one another?

On pages 84-90, Harvey discusses mercy “before the fact,” “when under attack,” and “after the fact.” In your own words, summarize his thoughts, including Scripture he cites or that you find pertinent.

Chapter six focuses on forgiveness. Harvey basis this chapter on Matthew 18:23-35. Write five statements that stood out to you from Harvey’s chapter. Then, in your own words, rewrite the parable in your own words. Then write two ways you can apply it to your life.