Sex, Love & Dating

Genesis 2:23–24 NIV

The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

Introduction

We are in the second part of our new series called Relationslips. We are diving into four main categories of relationships. First there is the family, which we talked about last week. Today we are talking about Romantic Relationships, and we will finish off this series talking about friendships and situationships. Now today we are going to talk. Like talk talk.

And, the reason I feel it’s so important is becuase the church has really backed down from two topics - sex and money. We get uncomfortable talking about them. The truth is, the Bible talks about them and so we are going to talk about them.

Do me a favor and tell the person this, the right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing. Say that again.

So it’s important that we get all of the good things that God has for us in the right time, and in the right order, so that we are continuing to become the person God created us to be.

And what I want for you is to not compromise what God has for you, for what someone else wants for you.

God has a plan for you, he has a purpose for you, and his plans and purpose are greater than you could imagine, but if you get things out of order you’ll settle for a lesser version than what God wants for you.

So with that, let’s dive into this and see if we can figure out how to be the very best version of ourselves; the one God always intended.

The Right Person is a Myth

Disney and Rom Coms have done dating a great disservice. There is this idea that there is a right person for everyone. Once you find that person it is going to be happily ever after.

Finding the Right Person is a myth.

I am not saying there isn’t a person that God has for you, and that he will greatly bless your decision in marrying that person.

What I am saying is that if you find the right person everything is going to be OK. If I just marry the right man, then everything will be all right.

The End. Roll Credits.

Thats the Right Person myth.

I’m sorry but that couldn’t be further from the truth.

Here is what the Bible says about marriage, and Paul is talking about making a decision to remain single:

1 Corinthians 7:28 (NIV)

But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.

OK, Paul, that’s coming on really, really strong. Why would you say that?

Paul said this becuase… marriage requires a lot of work, and it is important for us to have the right expectations.

Someone say expectations.

In a woman’s search for the right one, there is this idea that the right person for her is tied mostly to how he makes her feel. Attraction matters, but the most important thing is how he makes her feel.

Let’s hold that thought.

For a man, the right person for him is based on sexual compatibility. So a man will completely disregard God’s word to remain pure, and to keep sex within marriage, and go on a conquest to find the right person based on compatibility.

So, let’s bring these two together.

If your idea of Mr. Right is how he makes you feel, what are you going to do when he all of a sudden stops making you feel that way? Because here is the deal, the version of the man you are dating right now will change. Men by their very nature are going to show you their very best when they are dating you, but that will fade over time. That’s why I’ve had to counsel women and let them know that if this is the best version of the man you are dating, and if it is not enough for you, then you have got to move on now. Because this is the very best it’s going to be. He can’t sustain this level of commitment to making you feel good.

And, if your idea of Mrs. Right is based on intimate compatibility, let me tell you men that you are compatible with more people than you think, and one day you’ll be in a marriage and hate the person you are very compatible with. You married crazy becuase she was fun to date, but now that you are married to her you want… your Mom. And you could barely bring yourself to bring this girl home when you were dating. How are you going to keep coming home to her when what you needed in marriage is more than what you needed when you were dating.

Say it with me again, EXPECTATIONS.

When we bring these expectations into our marriage we set ourselves up for disappointment because we built our marriage on the wrong foundation.

I’m going to talk more about foundations in just a minute, but let me tell you right now that “the way he makes you feel” and your sexual compatibility is not the foundation for a healthy marriage.

Let me give you some more truth when it comes to dating…

When a man and woman stand at the altar on their wedding day, they are standing at the Altar of Expectation.

What is the Altar of Expectation? I’m glad you asked...

The Altar of Expectation:

Man – “She’s never going to change.”

Woman – “I can’t wait to change him!”

OK, buckle up...

Men, women are going to change. Women change. There are many life events that happen in women that chemically cause them to change. Women are incubators for little humans. The toil of a pregnancy changes women. Raising children changes a woman. Menopause changes a woman. Women go through significant events that are going to affect their mood, their energy, and their ability to make you feel good. And that happens every month! Women change!

We’re having fun now, aren’t we...

Women… men have a default setting. They don’t like to leave the default setting. That setting has been acquired by Daddy, Momma, Trauma and Drama. When you stand at the altar counting down the days until you can play fixer-upper on your spouse, you are bringing in expectations that you aren’t going to able to meet. Now I am not saying men don’t change. I’ve seen men change. But when I see men change it is becuase they wanted to change, not becuase you made them change.

Someone say EXPECTATIONS.

Paul wasn’t wrong, was he???

Stop Making Marriage an Idol

Let me use this as a place to pivot now into something that I’ve been wanting to share with you all for some time now.

People, and in some cases the church, has made an idol out of marriage.

I’ll say that again. We have turned marriage into an idol.

What is an idol?

Anything that we put before God. Some of you here in this tent have put marriage before God becuase you somehow think that marriage is the solution to your problem, and you believe that it is the only thing that can fix your problem. You don’t even think God can help you, so you are looking to marriage to do what you believe God can’t do.

The Idolatry of Marriage:

Expecting marriage to fix what only God can.

Here is what I mean, many of you have shortcomings or insecurities that you think are going to magically disappear once you get married.

If you struggle in the area of pornography, do not think that once you get married all of a sudden your marriage will fix this problem that you have. It won’t. If you don’t get to the root of this before you get married you are going to bring this into your marriage and it will now be a problem that two people have to deal with, rather than one person.

Are you tracking with me?

Your problems are now shared when you bring them into a marriage.

If you struggled being a faithful person when you were dating, and you never worked that issue out, you are going to bring that right into your marriage because you didn’t deal with the brokenness and the hurt. That stays with you! That doesn’t magically disappear at an altar and it isn’t fixed through intimacy.

Marriage doesn’t have the power to break your addictions and your strong holds. The only person that has the power to do that is Jesus. It is so important that you get that.

When you have idolized marriage, and what you think your spouse is supposed to do for you once you are married, you are asking your spouse to fill a void that only God can fill. It’s unrealistic to ask that of your spouse, and once again, it creates a false expectation.

Think about this for a second… you want your spouse to be the person that you can bear your soul with, and yet you don’t bear your soul to God. You want to run to your spouse with your day, and your ups and your downs, and yet you don’t do that with Jesus.

Now I am not saying that you shouldn’t look to do all of this, but I am saying that you should look to do all of this FIRST with Him, not him.

Why?

Becuase we are disciples of Jesus, and discipleship doesn’t stop once you get married.

As a matter of fact, God will often use the person you are closest with, your spouse, to develop you.

So he will use your spouse to teach you patience. He will use your spouse to teach you forgiveness. He will use your spouse to teach you gentleness.

I can go on and on with this list, but I think you get the point that I am making here. God uses your spouse to accomplish his plans for you.

Just becuase you’ve made an idol of your marriage doesn’t mean that He has made an idol of it.

I can’t ask my spouse to cary a weight that only God can carry. That’s unfair to her. That’s not why I entered into this marriage and I will break it if I keep making it an idol in my life.

Start Becoming The Right Person

So let me transition to this last point. The most important thing that you can do is it focus on becoming the right person. And here is what I don’t mean. I am not saying become the right person for your future spouse. That’s once again making an idol out of marriage. I am saying become the right person so that God can unfold His purpose for your life. Periodt. With a T at the end.

Becoming the right person begins with entering into a relationship with Jesus, and it ends with a life-long commitment to discipleship.

Let me explain it to you within the lens of relationships and putting things into its proper place.

Education & Career - I commit to devoting the time needed to my education so that I can glorify God through the work that an education will afford me. I will glorify God by doing my work as unto the Lord. My work will compensate me and I will be able to faithfully support my family and provide for them what they need to find God for themselves, and build a nurturing environment for growth.

Finances & Generosity - I will steward and create wealth by first being faithful to God through bringing tithes and offerings to the advance the work of the Kingdom. I will apply this same discipline to my home and lead a generous life with my spouse and my family. I will teach them to love generously.

Our Bodies - I will treat my body as the temple of God and I will care for it so that I am alive to maximize my impact here on earth. I will be accountable with my health decisions first to God, second to my spouse, and finally, to my family.

Do you understand the picture that I am trying to paint for you all today?

I want for all of you to experience the gift of marriage, but do not worship the gift more than the giver of the gift.

Don’t pursue marriage more than you pursue discipleship. The commitment to discipleship is forged in marriage.

And don’t let the culture or the church tell you that you are not mature unless you get married. We need to stop that. The church has done a terrible job over the years rushing people into marriage and we are contributing to the declining divorce rate as a result of it.

Become the right person, not for your future spouse but for your future self, and then your spouse will receive the absolute best and most healthiest version of you.