A Biblical Perspective on Disagreements and Conflict
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Acts 6: 1 - 4 Help them to Identify their Differences
And in those days, when the number of the disciples was multiplied, there arose a murmuring of the Grecians against the Hebrews, because their widows were neglected in the daily ministration. Then the twelve called the multitude of the disciples unto them, and said, It is not reason that we should leave the word of God, and serve tables. Wherefore, brethren, look ye out among you seven men of honest report, full of the Holy Ghost and wisdom, whom we may appoint over this business. But we will give ourselves continually to prayer, and to the ministry of the word.
Review: A Biblical Perspective on Disagreements or Conflicts
Consist of 4 things:
1- Disagreements are to be expected, I Cor. 10:13
There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.
This is not uncommon in the human race. Some people have the idea that when two people get married they shouldn’t have any disagreements. They should be a clone of each other & they should always see things exactly the same & if they don’t they think that there is something wrong in their marriage “ & maybe we made a mistake & maybe we shouldn’t have gotten married.
2. Disagreements do not need to turn into Conflicts.
There are differences. A disagreement is a different idea, a different perspective on an issue. A conflict is when a disagreement has an emotional component. I not only say “You have that idea & I have this idea.” But I get angry at you for having a difference of opinion or upset. Disagreements are different viewpoints. If you always agree on everything that means one of you is unnecessary.
A conflict is when you fight & quarrel over those disagreements.
3- Disagreements can be beneficial when rightly handled. Romans 8: 28
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
Acts 6 a disagreement that had become a conflict over taking care of the widows.
If someone is criticizing their mate it may be that God is allowing it to teach spiritual lessons to the one who is being criticized. God could be teaching them patience or seeking to strengthen them.
* Deut 8:1- God led them. Where? In the wilderness. What is the wilderness like? God led them in this place. Cold at night, hot in the day. Moving from place to place. Where will they get food & water?
All the commandments which I command thee this day shall ye observe to do, that ye may live, and multiply, and go in and possess the land which the Lord sware unto your fathers.
God lets us go thru a wilderness that He might humble us. Testing you to know what was in your heart.” Did God need help to know what was in their heart? No! All the wilderness did was reveal what was already in their heart. It didn’t put anything into their hearts. He brought all that ugly stuff to the surface & it is during those wilderness experiences that we become aware of all of that ugly stuff that is still down in our hearts. Do you realize that when 2 people get married all that ugly stuff comes out, that it was there all the time. You can try & blame the other person, but God is showing you what was already down in your heart. Then, we can go to God in repentance, prayer and He can begin to work on us & help us.
NOTE: What are the benefits of Disagreements & Conflicts?
A. They can help us to become aware of our own sinfulness & selfishness. There are few things that reveals to me how proud I am, how selfish I am, how sinful I am then when I have someone misrepresent me or misunderstand me. Or say something about me that I know isn’t true. All of a sudden I discover how selfish, how sinful, and how proud I am.
B. They can help us to be more aware in our relationship w/ others & esp with our wives & our family. We are more aware of our need for more communication. Many disagreements & conflicts arise because couples are not communicating.
If you do not know how to communicate effectively, you can’t avoid conflicts.
C. They can cause us to search the Scriptures. When someone disagrees w/ us about something, it sends us back to the Word of God to make sure we have rightly understood what the Bible has to say.
D. They stimulate us to turn to God in prayer,
Conflicts are resolved at the throne of grace.
E. Causes us to focus what is really important in our relationship with other people. What is important in husband wife relationships is not total agreement on every nit picking little detail, but what is important is that we are both united to Jesus Christ.
F. They can give us an opportunity to be real servants. The greatest opportunity for me to be a servant is when someone disagrees with me.
G. They show us our need of Christ.
H. Conflicts can help destroy our idolatry.
I’m happy as long as everybody agrees with me. I’m happy as long as my wife treats me the way I want to be treated. I’m making an idol out of her, I’m worshipping her, I’m serving her, I’m depending on her & my happiness comes from the fact that she is so wonderful & treats me the way she does & what that means I’m worshipping her instead of the Lord.
If we are going to make the most out of the opportunities that conflicts & disagreements provide, we’ve got to get the ABC view of Christian growth. The ABC View of Christian Growth is Adversity Builds Character, James 1: 12. Get an ABC View of Growth: Adversity Builds Character.
Blessed is the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love him.
You have to have an accurate view of God:
1 Accurate view of God’s Power - that He is in control of everything. This can be used for the glory of God or He would not have allowed it to happen. There are no accidents in the Christian life only assignments.
If God has allowed this to happen to you then you need to respond the way David did when Shemei was throwing dirt & stones & calling him all kinds of names & David said, “It’s the Lord. God is at work here on me.’”
2 An Accurate view of the Love of God. He is all loving. Nothing can separate us from the Love of God, Rms. 8. Whom the Lord loves He chastens, Heb. 12; Rev. 3:19. God’s love is expressed not only in the pleasant things that happen, but also in the hard things as well.
3 An accurate view of God’s wisdom. God is so wise that He never does anything that is foolish. God is so wise that He never makes a mistake. As for God His way is perfect. If God in His Sovereignty & in His love has allowed this to happen in your life, not simply because it is a way, but it is the best way. If it wasn’t the best way, God would see to it that it would never have occurred in your life.
4 - They may be Resolved.
If you have two people who are believers there is never a situation where the disagreements or conflicts cannot be resolved, Prov. 18:19.
Help them to Identify their Differences
I. Differences from Creation
(God made men & women differently)
A. Differences of men & women
1. Physically
a. Physically - Body Design by God
The radical feminists movement has been around for more than 2,000 years. It’s roots are found in ancient pagan religions. The modern feminist movement will never get what it wants & will never become happy. WHY?
“God made men & women different physically.” All summer long the world will focus on the obvious differences between men & women in the 1996 Summer Olympics. The individual & team competitions are divided male & female. Women do not throw the shot put in the same competition as the men. In fact, they do not throw a shot put period. The basketball dream team is not made up of men & women. You’ll not see women boxing men (not at the Olympics - that will only be found in your local neighborhood; next door in our first condo the newleywed couple boxed each other ususally at 2 AM in the morning).
Even in gymnastics you see men using the rings & Pomel Horse spinning around; & the women using the balance beam, uneven bars & dancing across the mat. Why? God made men & women different. Their bone structure, the % of muscle in a man’s body is greater than that of a woman’s body. It’s not right or wrong, good or bad; it’s just different by design. The Master Designer is God.
b. Physical Relationship
The message is this: God made men & women differently & we must be so committed to one another as husband’s & wives that we will tenderly, compassionately, & carefully learn these differences for the purpose of blending our creation differences together as one.
Random Points:
- A healthy happy & holy loving physical relationship goes on all day long. It’s how I treat my mate in the morning, when I call at noon & when I greet her when I come home. I cannot, I repeat, I cannot, yell, & gripe, & complain about my wife all evening & then expect a loving relationship.
* Your body belongs to the Lord & your mate, I Cor. 7:4.
(Therefore, take care of your body; don’t worship it take care of it)
* Communicate without attacking the person.
(Try helping this way - “Honey I’ll watch the kids tonight & put them to bed while you go take a long bubble bath).
2. Emotionally
God has “wired” women to be relationship oriented and seek security and men are goal oriented & seek accomplishments & solutions.
3. Socially
Listen to what men & women talk about.
“Men - don’t read magazines like Psychology Today, Self, or People. They are more concerned with outdoor activities, like hunting, fishing, sports, & racing cars. They are interested in the news, weather, & sports & couldn’t care less about romance novels.
They are more interested in objects & things rather than people & feelings. Even today, while women fantasize about romance, men fantasize about powerful cars, faster computers, gadgets, gizmos, & new more powerful technology. Men are preoccupied with the things that can help them express power by creating results & achieving their goals.
4. Different Personalities
One person is quick thinking, the other is slow & methodical. One person might be physically fast & the other slow. When they are taking a walk he wants to charge on ahead & she wants to stroll & enjoy the moment. It could be in the matter of making decisions.
He says: Major premise; minor premise; conclusion; BANG. The other says “Wait just a minute.” One mate says “You are presumptous,” the other one says, “You procrastinate & drag your feet.”
It can be if you are outgoing, a backslapper, never met a stranger. The other person is a lot more reserved. He wants to charge ahead & she says, “You just leave me standing all by myself. You’re more concerned about other people than you are about me.” Outgoing.
He says, “Get on with it. What are you waiting for? Why are you standing back there? Don’t you know the Bible says you’re supposed to be friendly??? Bold & Timid!
II. Differences from Culture (Background)
Identify their Differences
The soil out of which conflicts arise are our differences. Help them to understand how they are different. Or why they are different
A. Different Family Backgrounds
The more different the family backgrounds the greater potential for differences to occur.
Ex. Husband who grows up on the farm where parents were uneducated & the mom worked in the fields & garden. Wife grows up in a home where parents graduated from college & her father was a Dr. & they had a maid who came in & cleaned the house & made the beds. One home went by proper manners & ettiquette & used cloth napkins, the other family didn’t know what a napkin was. The backgrounds were different.
B. Different Priorities (values)
C. Different Perspectives
D. Different Expectations
The soil out of which conflicts arise are our differences. You need to understand how you are different. Or why you are different.
Differences are obvious & are to be expected. The Problem is when they a couple allows their differences to become conflicts.
III. How To Blend Differences
A. Love your Mate unconditionally
B. Ask God to give you patience w/ your differences
C. Privately pray & ask God to allow your mate to grow spiritually.
