Victory in Marriage

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This morning, talking about a very important topic… Afterall tomorrow is a very special day is it not? What’s tomorrow? Yes, that’s right…. tomorrow is the day after the Superbowl! Right?… and hopefully we’ll have the chance to celebrate our Cincinnati Bengal’s championship tomorrow morning.

But really, tomorrow as you know is Valentine’s Day… and so today’s message is going to be centered around building our marriage and the idea of love. But rather then sharing a message on loving your spouse… I’m going make it easy for you this morning… so men, I want you to turn towards your spouse… (go ahead) and I want you to do 2 things… first I want you to node your head (like this…) good, we’ve got that part down… now this is the really important part (we can’t miss this), repeat after me… “Yes dear”

Women how did they do this morning?

Of course, I’m only kidding this morning… but really our focus is going to be on victory in marriage. And adding a few tools to our toolbelt that will help us to build a better marriage and ultimate bring glory to God in our relationships. The truth is guys, whether your marriage is currently going great… or if it’s not going how, you necessarily envisioned it… God wants us to have a marriage that will last. God wants us to have victory in our marriage.

Before we jump in this morning I, do want you to know that while this message is really centered towards those that are married or dating this morning… there are still biblical truths that apply to each and every one of us this morning.

As we jump in this morning, I’m going to read an excerpt from Gary Chapman, from his book the 5 love languages: WE Read (p. 12 – 13)

Gary Chapman goes on to explain how couples typically set out with great excitement in their marriage. Yet after 1 or 2 years, after the honeymoon phase is over that people will often fall “out of love.”

Guys I can tell you from personal experience that when I first read this book a few years back. There was a sense of relief… You see even in my own marriage, and don’t get me wrong… Kim and I are happily married, but as I was reading this book… Gary chapman clarified the difference of this euphoric in love state which last just a couple of years, compared to the after the honeymoon phase which then requires hard work.

You see on shows like the bachelor, it amazes me how the producers will put together a seemingly perfect guy. Place them on a tropical beach somewhere… place 20 something single girls with that person… then cover all their expenses to amazing excursions and one-of- a-kind experiences, and then after the guy offers the girl the $100,0000 wedding ring, in front of all of America… she has no other option but to say, “yes! I do!”

But guys, what about after the honeymoon? What about after the final rose ceremony? When he leaves the toilet seat up, or accidentally farts in bed? What about when she her spending habits get the best of her and amazon gifts somehow continue to show up on the door… day, after day, after day, after day… what about after the honeymoon phase?

That’s our topic this morning… is finding victory in marriage after the honeymoon is over.

With that said, we have 4 points this morning… these points are tools to add to our toolbelt and are good reminders of things to make sure we’re doing in our marriage. 1. Victory in marriage starts with Love. 2. Victory in marriage means meting your spouse’s needs 3. Victory in marriage should include dating your spouse 4. Victory in marriage means we forgive our spouse

So, with this in mind, our first point this morning… is Victory in Marriage requires LOVE. with me to Mark 10: 6-9

6 “But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’[a] 7 ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife,[b] 8 and the two will become one flesh.’[c] So they are no longer two, but one flesh. 9 Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

So, we read that God created male and female, and said that they shouldn’t separate but should remain as one…and yet… what despite this design… there’s a major event that takes place which disrupts his plan as we know it.

You’ll recall back to Genesis chapter 3 where sin first enters the picture. Of course, Adam and Eve went on to eat the fruit of the tree of the Knowledge of good and evil… Sin enters the picture, and a major problem took place. You see, from that point forward… an outside wedge entered the marriage which since that time has been trying to get in the way and push couples apart.

Gen 3:16 Then he said to the woman, “I will sharpen the pain of your pregnancy, and in pain you will give birth. And you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you.”

Once sin entered the picture… a wedge was introduced into marriage which would cause separation and heartache... You see, there’s a sense of tension Although God’s perfect plan was for man and women to never separate, we know that sin has taken a toll upon marriages since the beginning of time.

So, here’s the key this morning friends, as we seek to have victory in our marriage… we must understand that our marriage must work to remove this wedge… and that begins with God, and it must start with Love.

If you’ll turn with me to 1 John 4:7-8 7 Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. 8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.

Here’s the point if God is the source of love… then we can’t expect to have a loving marriage unless we bring a loving God into the center of this marriage. By the way, I’m not just talking about Sunday mornings when we come to church together… which by the way is great, and we should continue to do this… but do we spend time talking about the Lord with our spouse, guys do we read the bible to our spouse. and do we pray with together.

You see I’m not saying that our marriage is going to be perfect… but here’s the key when we take our eyes of each other and each other’s problems… (picture) and instead look to God… rather then having a wedge that isolates… we know have a father who binds us together…

You see, although Kim and I are far from perfect… as I’m doing my job and spending time with my eyes on the Lord… and my wife is doing the same thing… The same God that initially brought us together, continues to help us not only keep our eyes on Him… but also on each other.

And so, victory in marriage must first begin with God and his love.

2. Victory in marriage means meeting your spouse’s needs

There are 2 verses that I want us to draw our attention to for a moment. First

Genesis 2:18 says The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”

So here, we see that God has brought man a helper… a helper of course… is someone that helps… she helps take care of the needs of her husband.

Then Husbands, we’re not off the hook, we’re told 1 peter 3:7 7 In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.

And so, guys bible says that we are to honor or value our wives. And the bible says that we are to treat her as you should… in other words, take care of her… treat her well…

For a moment, we’ll look at what scripture says about this generally… and then we’ll shift to some specific ways in which we can take care of and love our spouse.

Philippians 2:3-5 3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. 5 In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus. 6 Who, being in very nature[a] God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; 7 rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature[b] of a servant, being made in human likeness. 8 And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death— even death on a cross!

You see friends, and this is tough… but there has to be a point where with everyone…. But especially our spouse, where we die to ourselves and serve the needs of the other person… it says “do nothing out of selfish ambition” rather ‘value others above yourself. And by the way, if this applies to others, it certainly applies to our spouse.

But Funny enough when you look out for your spouse… guess what? You’re also looking out for yourself… You see, if God brought you and your spouse together as one… when you take care of your spouse… because you are one… you are ultimately taking care of yourself… in the same way, when you don’t take care of yourself or when you’re hurtful towards your spouse… because you are one… you also end up hurting yourself. Fighting with your spouse makes about as much sense as looking in the mirror and having an argument with yourself… there’s no sense to it….

Galatians 5:13-14 says:. 14 For the whole law can be summed up in this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” 15 But if you are always biting and devouring one another, watch out! Beware of destroying one another.

I want to turn our attention for a moment to Dr. Emerson Eggerichs who is the former pastor, a psychologist and a is well known for writing the book the crazy cycle. As we talk about what our taking care of our spouse’s needs… Dr Eggerichs explains that God designed women to be loved and men to be respected…

He cites Ephesians 5:33 which states: “33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”

And so here, God commands us as men to love our wives and women… we’re told to respect our husbands. And the key is these women crave the feeling of being loved, just as men need to feel respected.

Dr. Eggerichs explains that when a woman feels like she isn’t love, the tendency (picture) is to respond by treating her husband in a disrespectful way… when he feels disrespected by her, his response is treating her in a way that isn’t loving. This destructive behavior known “known as the crazy cycle” is this round and round toxic dynamic where we starve our spouse of what they need.

In contrast to this crazy cycle, Dr. Eggerichs proposes a healthy alternative that will pour new life into each marriage (picture). This alternative known as the (energized cycle), works like this… he love his wife, and as she is loved, it become easy to respect her husband.

I want us to pause for a brief moment here… because I know the tendency would be to say, respect my husband… well you just don’t know my husband… or love my wife, have you seen the way she treats me…? Guys, can I be honest, there are times where Kim probably has no desire to treat me with respect… and there was even one time in 13 years where I didn’t feel like loving Kim… (the rest of the time, she’s been very easy to love…) but we are to love our spouse regardless.

3. Victory in marriage should include dating your spouse

Gary Chapman talks about spending time with our spouse and explains “in sharing “quality time,” I mean giving someone your undivided attention. I don’t mean sitting on the couch watching television together.” He goes on to say “when you spend time that way, Netflix or HBO has your attention – not your spouse. What I mean is sitting on the couch with the TV off, looking at each other and talking, devices put away, giving each other your undivided attention. It means taking a walk, just the two of you, or going out to eat and looking at each other and talking.”

For all of us this morning, I think a key concept for us in our marriage is to look back to what things where like when we first dating. What sort of things where we doing? What did a typical date night look like for us? I know for Kim and I, when we were first dating... we would often go grab a bit out to eat… Maybe olive garden, or Carrabba’s… ever since then, and I’m not saying we have a perfect marriage by any means… but we’ve tried to make date night a regular part of our routine.

In fact, a recent study done by the university of Virginia, shows that couples who manage to devote time specifically to one another at least once a week are noticeable more likely to enjoy high-quality relationships and lower divorce rates, compared to couples who do not devote as much couple time to one another.

The study goes on to show that Couples who spend more time together also report higher levels of communication, sexual satisfaction and commitment, the report finds. Finally, this report shows that couples who regularly go on dates have the opportunity to de-stress and to engage in activities that are fun, active or otherwise arousing – from hiking to dancing to travel to card games – which are associated with higher levels of relationship quality.

What we’ve noticed in my marriage is that when Kim and I find time to date each other, we not only enjoy our date nights, and our marriage throughout the week… but we also come to look forward to going on with each other, even if it’s just to grab dinner and watch a movie. But here’s the point, if you’re not currently dating your spouse and getting out even just a couple of times a month… I would encourage you to make this a priority.

Aside from dating each other and spending quality time together… Gary chapman offers 4 other ways to enhance our marriage and show our spouse we love them… These include Words of Affirmation, Acts of service, Gift Giving and Physical touch. Many of you guys are familiar with the 5 love languages this morning… and if you’re not, I would highly encourage you to take the online love language quiz (which is free by the way) and then from there if you’d like there is even the 5 love languages book and other resources… but my encouragement to you is see that as you communicate with your spouse, that to show them your love… it’s helpful to know what sort of things they perceive as loving…

If they’re love language gift giving, then maybe from time to time you give them small subtle gifts or tokens of appreciation, if their love language is acts of service… then maybe you work extra hard to try and do these acts which will help communicate your love for your spouse.

4. Our final point this morning before we close out is that we must forgive our spouse.

In Ephesians 4: 26-27 “In your anger do not sin”[d]: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold.

And then a few verses later in Ephesians 4:32 it says: 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

You see so much of what we have discussed this morning stems around fun, exciting things… like going out with your spouse on date night and having fun in your marriage… but our final point and this is going to be challenging for some of us… but we must come to a point where, we’re able to forgive our spouse.

Listen, I’m not saying spouse is perfect…Or that they haven’t said on done things that have been hurtful to you… Rather, your spouse I promise you has at one point, or another done things or said things that are hurtful...

But for us to move forward in our marriage, there must be a point where we say to our spouse… I forgive you…

You see, I know it can be painful for some of us this morning. And there are days, when if we were honest… we don’t really feel like loving our spouse… but guys, we have to come to a point where we say I forgive you.

You see, I think of the game snake… the old cell phone game… and if you remember this game, you start out with a little 2-dimensional snake that you move in a square box. And as you move your snake, you eat food which in turn, makes your snake bigger and bigger and bigger…

Friends, some of us this morning are making it very difficult for our spouse because we are just like that snake… and we’re dragging this massive list of the things that they have done to us, we’re carrying it behind our back… and we’re not giving our spouse the freedom and forgiveness to move past their previous mistakes.

You see, snakes, if we allow them to will wrap themselves around our necks and suffocate us… snakes have a tendency to bite… in fact, I will tell you, I hate snakes…

But friends, there must be a point where we forgive the other person and get ride of the snake.

You see, here’s the truth…. I know this isn’t easy to do… and I know some of us are dealing with real hurts and real pain that our spouse has caused… but can I challenge us with something this morning friends? Listen… when you came to Christ… you weren’t perfect and yet he accepted and forgave you… Friends for those of us who are struggling to forgive our spouse this morning, can we ask God to help us here and give our spouse a clean slate.

Call Lisa forward at this time….

Colossians 3:12-14 says 12 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

You see, that same wedge that we talked about earlier… when we love our spouse it has a way of removing the wedge… and then binding us together….

Guys we’re going to close out of service here in just a brief moment, but here’s what I would like us to do. I’m going to have us do something that challenges and stretches us this morning… but in the corner of the rooms, we have our church elders… and here what I would ask you to do if you’re able to… I’ll close us out in prayer… but guys, whether your marriage is doing great at the moment or not… I would simply ask you to find one of the elders or myself and we would love to pray for you and your marriage in the next few moments.

Pray