CAN WE TALK FOR A MINUTE

song of solomon series

We have been in this series in the song of solomon

Pastor orr preached mightily from this, last weekend and you need to look at it again.

He gave us a framework: singles, married for what to look for as you navigate sex

I. The Right Time! (Song of Solomon 4:16) “A Word to the Unmarried” Sadly, the world has cheapen SEX – We live in such a sex-driven society and for them it’s nothing but just Sneaky Link, Netflix and Chill, HookUp, Doing it, Getting Laid, Funny Business (and for so many it’s a crying shame), One-Night Stands, Friends with Benefits, Hotline Bling. But this couple WAITED. A Word to the Unmarried – Wait for Marriage to Have Sex! Twice we read Song of Solomon 2:7 and 3:5. Here’s the Checklist Before SEX – before you engage in sex ALL of these (1) Reputation – (1:3) – what others think – do they have a good reputation; (2) Romance – 1:9 exciting, 1:10 lovely, 1:15 beautiful, 2:2 lily among thorns – how he treats you (3) Respect – what he thinks of you (2:3-4) Are you the only one?; (4) Responsibility – what he’s willing to do for you 3:6-10 – You need a house before a spouse; some money to enjoy your honey, bacon, table, house, car (5) Righteousness – what’s his standing with God in making things right 2:15; (6) Ring – 3:11 If he got papers on his house, car, and dog, why can’t he get papers with you and put a ring on your finger? Don’t Rush Sex! If you want to get the most out of it, Don’t Rush Sex! If you want to get more than little diseases STD’s with big consequences . . . If you want to get more than just heartaches and headaches . . . If you want to get more than my baby mama, baby daddy drama . . . If you want to get more than just broken promises, broken dreams

II. The Reasonable Times! (Song of Solomon 4:15) “A Word to the Happily Married” How often when you are married should you have sex? You don’t have to read between the lines. This couple was passionate for each other. Fireworks were getting ready to go down. How often? An old favorite song of mine - You know the Night Time is the Right Time . . . Night and Day! Repeat verse 15 – how do you keep SEX fresh in marriage? (1) BOUNDARIES– you need boundaries. Walk with me . . . Song of Solomon 4:12, 13, 15. Now go back to Proverbs 5:15 – 17. Stop drinking dirty water! (2) BLESSINGS – If you have put up boundaries to keep stuff out, you got to make sure that there’s enough blessing going on within to keep each other happy and tired! I Corinthians 7:3-5 Don’t Restrict Sex! You set boundaries and then you BLESS the other one by meeting ALL of their sexual needs. To Get the Most out of Sex, agree on the Reasonable Times! My Pre-Marriage Couple Exercise – you give me a number. How to agree? On the days you want to . . ., you clean the house, fix the dinner, tend to the children, and that way I will have the energy

III. The Right Timing! (Song of Solomon 4:8-10) “A Word to the Hurting and Married” Can you feel the ATMOSPHERE of the moment? You’re beautiful beyond words yet he uses WORDS and ACTIONS to set the ATMOSPHERE. Go back to verse 1 – your eyes and then he pulls the veil back and her hair falls down (it may have been weave) but he compliments it anyway – teeth, smile, lips, cheeks, necks, your breasts but verse 8? Peaks and Lions and Leopards – let’s get away from the PAST and PAIN and the PROBLEMS and let’s focus on the PRESENT and PASSION – verses 9-10. I don’t know lions and leopards have hurt you in the past. I don’t know what PAIN you may be feeling right now. But Solomon reminds us on how to be wise about the TIMING! Don’t Ruin Sex! Sex is not a weapon to fight with or a tool to trick with. Somebody just had a bad day or the two of you just had a fight and 10 minutes later. How to get the most out of SEX when things have gotten rocky? (1) Talk; (2) Trust; (3) Tenderness; (4) Time

even with all of that, there will still be problems

her man up and left. . the guards left with him as well.... there is no protection. . she gets beat up by the public

problems will still come.

How do you handle adversity in marriage and relationships?

you must talk.

Dr. Gwendolyn Seidman- psychology today

1. Be direct.

Sometimes people don't just come out and plainly state what is bothering them, and instead choose more indirect ways of expressing their displeasure.1 One partner may speak to the other in a way that is condescending and implies underlying hostility. Other times, partners may mope and pout without really addressing an issue. Partners may also simply avoid discussing a problem by quickly switching topics when the issue comes up or by being evasive. Such indirect ways of expressing anger are not constructive, because they don't give the person who is the target of the behaviors a clear idea of how to respond.2 They know their partner is irritated, but the lack of directness leaves them without guidance about what they can do to solve the problem.

2. Talk about how you feel without blaming your partner.

Statements that directly assault your partner’s character can be especially damaging to a relationship.3 If a man frustrated by his girlfriend's jealousy says "You’re totally irrational!" he is inviting her to become defensive, and this can shut down further conversation. A more constructive strategy is to use "I statements" and pair them with "behavior descriptions."4I statements focus on how you feel, without blaming your partner, and behavior descriptions focus on a specific behavior your partner is engaging in, rather than a character flaw. For example, this man might say, "I get irritated when you claim I'm flirting with someone during an innocent conversation." These tactics are direct, but don't impugn your partner's character.

3. Never say never (or "always").

When you’re addressing a problem, you should avoid making generalizations about your partner. Statements like "You never help out around the house," or, "You're always staring at your cell phone" are likely to make your partner defensive. Rather than prompting a discussion about how your partner could be more helpful or attentive, this strategy is likely to lead your partner to start generating counterexamples of all the times they were, in fact, helpful or attentive. Again, you don’t want to put your partner on the defensive.

4. Pick your battles.

If you want to have a constructive discussion, you need to stick to one issue at a time. Unhappy couples are likely to drag multiple topics into one discussion, a habit renowned conflict researcher John Gottman calls "kitchen-sinking."3 This refers to the old expression "everything but the kitchen sink," which implies that every possible thing has been included. When you want to solve personal problems, this is probably not the strategy you take with yourself. Imagine that you wanted to think about how to incorporate more physical exercise into your daily routine. You would probably not decide that this would also be a great time to think about how to save more money for retirement, organize your closet, and figure out how to deal with an awkward situation at work. You would try to solve these problems one at a time. This seems obvious, but in the heat of the moment, a fight about one topic can turn into a complaining session, with both partners trading gripes. The more complaints you raise, the less likely it is that any will actually get fully discussed and resolved.

5. Really listen to your partner.

It can be very frustrating to feel like your partner is not paying attention to you. When you interrupt your partner or assume that you know what they're thinking, you're not giving them a chance to express themselves. Even if you are confident that you know where your partner is coming from or know what they're going to say, you could still be wrong, and your partner will still feel like you’re not listening.6

You can show your partner that you're paying attention by using active listening techniques.7 When your partner speaks, paraphrase what they say — that is, rephrase it in your own words. This can prevent misunderstandings before they start. You can also perception-check, by making sure that you're interpreting your partner's reactions correctly. For example, "You seem irritated by that comment — Am I right?" These strategies both prevent misunderstandings and show your partner that you're paying attention to them and care about what they're saying.

6. Don't automatically object to your partner’s complaints.

When you're criticized, it's hard not to get defensive. But defensiveness doesn't solve problems. Imagine a couple arguing because the wife wants her husband to do more chores around the house. When she suggests that he do a quick clean-up after he gets ready to leave in the morning, he says, "Yes, that would help, but I really don't have time in the morning." When she suggests that he set aside some time on the weekend, he says "Yes, that could be a way to schedule it in, but we usually have plans on weekends, and I have work to catch up on, so that won't work." This "yes-butting" behavior suggests that her ideas and views are not worthwhile. Another destructive, defensive behavior is "cross-complaining," when you respond to your partner's complaint with one of your own. For example, responding to "You don’t clean up enough around the house" with "You’re a neat freak." It's important to hear your partner out and really consider what they're saying.3

7. Take a different perspective.

In addition to listening to your partner, you need to take their perspective and try to understand where they're coming from. Those who can take their partner's perspective are less likely to become angry during a conflict discussion.8

Other research has shown that taking a more objective perspective can also be helpful. In one study, researchers staged a simple marital quality intervention, asking participants to write about a specific disagreement they had with their partners from the perspective of a neutral third party who wanted the best for both members of the couple. Couples that engaged in this 20-minute writing exercise three times a year maintained stable levels of marital satisfaction over the course of the year, while couples who didn’t showed declines in satisfaction

8. Do not show contempt for your partner.

Of all of the negative things you can do and say during a conflict, the worst may be contempt. Gottman has found that it is the top predictor of divorce.3Contemptuous remarks are those that belittle your partner. This can involve sarcasm and name-calling. It can also include nonverbal behavior like rolling your eyes or smirking. Such behavior is extremely disrespectful, and implies that you're disgusted with your partner.

Imagine that one partner says, "I wish you took me out more," and the other responds, "Oh yes, the most important thing is to see and be seen and overpay for tiny portions of food at some rip-off restaurant. Could you be more superficial?" Or one partner says they're too tired to clean up, and the other responds, "I'm sure you're sooo exhausted after a long day of chatting at the water cooler. I've been busting my butt all day, and you just get home and sprawl out on the couch, staring at your smartphone like a teenager." This kind of contempt makes it impossible to engage in a real discussion and is likely to elicit anger from your partner, rather than an attempt to solve the problem.

9. Don't get overwhelmed with negativity.

It can be hard not to respond to a partner's bad behavior with even more bad behavior. But indulging that urge will only make the conflict worse. When couples engage in what Gottman and his colleagues calls "negative affect reciprocity," they trade more and more heated insults and contemptuous remarks.10 And as the conflict goes on, the negativity escalates. So how much is too much negativity? In his research, Gottman found that the magic number is a 5 to 1 ratio: Couples that maintained a ratio of five positive behaviors (e.g., attempts at good-natured humor, warmth, collaboration) to each negative behavior were significantly less likely to be divorced or separated four years later.11

10. Know when it's time for a time-out.

If you see yourself falling into negative patterns and find that either you or your partner are not following the tips above, consider taking a time out from your argument. Even a short break for a few deep breaths can be enough to calm hot tempers.12

What the research on conflict shows is that both perspective taking and controlling your anger are key to managing conflicts well. Airing your grievances can be productive for your relationship, but conflicts must be skillfully managed or you run the risk of making them worse.

The text!!!!

song 5:8-11 “I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, if you find my beloved, that you tell him I am sick with love. What is your beloved more than another beloved, O most beautiful among women? What is your beloved more than another beloved, that you thus adjure us? My beloved is radiant and ruddy, distinguished among ten thousand. His head is the finest gold; his locks are wavy, black as a raven.”

She is in search of her lover. . the public was not kind to her

Song of Songs Poem Fourteen: To Search and (Not) Find, Once Again (5:2–6:3)

In the previous verse, the woman had set out in pursuit of her absent lover. This search took her from the private intimacies of her bedroom out into the cold public gaze of the city. The guards represent the public gaze that treats the woman brutally (see also Song of Songs 3:3). On a literal level, it is not too harsh to speak of their treatment of the woman as physical and sexual abuse. They hit her hard enough to leave bruises. They remove some of her clothing. The word that we translate generally as garments (rədîd) is more specific than that, but since we are not quite sure exactly what type of clothing it is, we leave it more general

verse 8-

Weak and Weary- she was drunk in love: the wife

Song of Songs (Poem Fourteen: To Search and (Not) Find, Once Again (5:2–6:3))

8 The woman’s search continues. With no apparent effects from her beating by the city patrol, she turns now to the daughters of Jerusalem to aid her in her search. The daughters seem to appear out of thin air, but this is only a problem for those who want to treat the poem as a narrative of an actual event. She begins by making them swear to a promise (I adjure you). This phrase has already been encountered in 2:7 and 3:5, where the fuller formula is “I adjure you by the gazelles or the deer of the field.” The shorter formula is used here, but note that the Septuagint adds the concluding phrase. What is it that she makes them promise? She makes them promise to give her lover a message if and when they find him. That message is I am sick with love. She used this exact phrase (kî-ḥôlat ʾahăbâ ʿanî) in 2:5, but there, we would argue, with a slightly different nuance. In chapter 2, she was physically spent from the exercise of love. She needed the sustenance of food, of aphrodisiacs, to carry on. In other words, he is present in the poem in chapter 2. Here, however, he is absent, and so here the translation “sick” rather than “faint” is appropriate. She pines for him. She needs him desperately. Her message is an exclamation of desire and a plea for union

women of jerusalem

respond

Wondering and Watching- the people

verse 9

people are always looking. . watching everything about you and what is going on in your relationship

Song of Songs Poem Fourteen: To Search and (Not) Find, Once Again (5:2–6:3)

9 The woman’s speech to the daughters of Jerusalem elicits a question from them (How is your lover better than [another] lover?). This question looks back to her request to look for her man but also will introduce the following section of the poem. In effect, their question will evoke a poem that describes the physical attributes of the man (a wasṣ) delivered by the woman. This verse and the preceding provide a neat little segue from the first part of the poem, where the woman is initially reluctant to present her passionate description of the lover.

The daughters of Jerusalem simply ask her, “What’s so special about this man?” This gives her the opportunity to answer in verses 10–13. The question is given in a repetitive bicolon, where the first part repeats. We have translated that first part as “How is your lover better than another lover?” As R. E. Murphy points out, it is literally “What is your lover from (= more than) a lover?” The idea is, how does your lover stand out from others, and the wasṣ that follows will answer that question.

verse 10

Wonderful - the wife’s description

Song of Songs (Poem Fourteen: To Search and (Not) Find, Once Again (5:2–6:3))

10 The question by the daughters of Jerusalem provokes the woman to present a wasṣ extolling the physical beauty of the man. It begins with a general statement on his body. He is radiant (ṣaḥ), a word that denotes the healthy hue of his skin. The related verb shh is used for healthy looking skin in Lamentations 4:7; in our context we have the adjective. His skin is also ruddy (ʾādôm), a noun related to the verb ʾdm “to be red.” Esau, we might remember, was associated with this word, and considered “very red” at birth. Esau was the patriarch of the Edomites, another name associated with the root. David too was ruddy according to 1 Samuel 16:12; 17:42. Murphy and Pope wonder whether this redness should be associated with cosmetics. However, the word signifies a rather broad swathe of the color spectrum and includes brown or brownish red, which could signify the color of skin rather than cosmetics. 51The woman also begins her description by stating up front that this man is like few others. He is one in ten thousand. Certainly, this is an idiom that means he is like no other in her estimation. The meaning of the word distinguished (dagul) has caused consternation among commentators since the root occurs with an apparently different meaning in 2:4; 6:4, 10. The Septuagint and Vulgate renderings help us with what appears to be a hapax use of the verb dgl I, cognate with an Akkadian root “to look.”

verse 11

Song of Songs (Poem Fourteen: To Search and (Not) Find, Once Again (5:2–6:3))

11 She now proceeds to specify different parts of his body, working her way from top to bottom. She begins with his head, which is described as pure gold. Pope points out that the closest analogue in the Bible is to Nebuchadnezzar’s statue in Daniel 2, and, outside the Bible, to statues of idols. Perhaps she is saying he is “God-like” in appearance, but certainly this is a description of a human male, not a divine being. She next compliments his hair. The second part of the description is clear. His hair is black like a raven. Ravens indeed were and are a deep black. The problem with the description of his hair (the relatively rare word locks [qewûṣṣôt] is used here, cf. 5:2) is with the first compliment and, in particular, with the word that we have taken with not a great deal of confidence as wavy (taltalîm). The Akkadian and Arabic cognates point to the date cluster or palm frond. Pope, however, calls to our attention the rabbinical Hebrew use of the word as curly. 54