Conflict | Sermon Feb 20, 2022

Scripture Reading

John 17:20–23 (ESV)

20 “I do not ask for these only, but also for those who will believe in me through their word, 21 that they may all be one, just as you, Father, are in me, and I in you, that they also may be in us, so that the world may believe that you have sent me. 22 The glory that you have given me I have given to them, that they may be one even as we are one, 23 I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me.

—

Ephesians 4:31–5:2 (ESV)

31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

1 Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. 2 And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

Intimacy Inevitably Leads to Conflict

Last week Jason spoke on intimacy in relationships — all relationships, not just marriage

“Intimacy = To be known and loved because of who you are and in spite of who you are.”

“Intimacy = Humility and Authenticity over Time.”

People coming together, knowing and being known — a beautiful picture of the types of relationships God wants us to grow in, which reflect the kind of relationship he wants with us.

Truth for today: Intimacy inevitably leads to conflict.

Chemistry - catalysts - enter the chemical equation and create an explosion, a change

What happens when sin enters into the equation? If you are authentically you, you are bringing chaos into the relationship. And guess what — the other person is too.

The result of two sinners in relationship with one another? Conflict.

Our world is aflame with conflicts of various sorts.

Russia and Ukraine

Biden and Trump

Truckers and Trudeau

Pete and Kanye

You and your neighbors or spouse or roommates or message board foes

The default approach to conflict in our culture is: “What feels good, sounds true, and seems beneficial to me?”

It is this response which we see codified in some of the OT laws:

“An eye for an eye”

“Love your neighbor, but hate your enemy.”

It’s these default presuppositions many of us carry which Jesus explicitly overturns in Matthew 5.

“You have heard it said, but I say to you...”

The way of Jesus presents a radically different approach to conflict.

How does the Bible help us navigate conflict in a way that is different from the rest of the world?

A Biblical View of Conflict

Conflict Defined = “a difference in opinion or purpose that frustrates someone’s goals or desires.” (Ken Sande)

First, the Bible shows us many examples of conflict.

Cain and Abel

Jacob and Esau

Jacob and Laban

Saul and David

Mary and Martha

Jesus’s disciples

Paul and Barnabas

Paul and Peter

The Corinthian believers

So on and so forth

Second, the Bible exposes the causes of conflict.

Ken Sande recognizes four different causes of conflict in the Bible:

1) Misunderstandings resulting from poor communication

Tribes of Reuben, Gad, half-tribe of Manasseh - Joshua 22:1–34

2) Differences in values, goals, gifts, calling, priorities, expectations, interests, or opinions

Paul and Barnabas — Acts 15:39 “And there arose a sharp disagreement, so that they separated from each other. Barnabas took Mark with him and sailed away to Cyprus,”

The different members of the body — 1 Cor 12:12-31

3) Competition over limited resources, such as time or money

Abram and Lot — Genesis 13:1–12 (ESV): 5 And Lot, who went with Abram, also had flocks and herds and tents, 6 so that the land could not support both of them dwelling together; for their possessions were so great that they could not dwell together, 7 and there was strife between the herdsmen of Abram’s livestock and the herdsmen of Lot’s livestock. At that time the Canaanites and the Perizzites were dwelling in the land. 8 Then Abram said to Lot, “Let there be no strife between you and me, and between your herdsmen and my herdsmen, for we are kinsmen. 9 Is not the whole land before you? Separate yourself from me. If you take the left hand, then I will go to the right, or if you take the right hand, then I will go to the left.”

4) Sinful attitudes and habits that lead to sinful words and actions

James 4:1-2 ESV: What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask.”

Holman Illustrated Bible Dictionary (Conflict, Interpersonal)

The root cause of interpersonal conflict is sin (Gal. 5:19–20). James explains that fighting is the result of uncontrolled passions and desires (James 4:1–3).

The book of Proverbs characterizes those who stir up conflict as persons given to anger (Prov. 15:18; 29:22), greed (Prov. 28:25), hate (Prov. 10:12), gossip (Prov. 16:28), and worthless perversions (Prov. 6:12–15).

Such conflicts inevitably result in personal destruction (Prov. 6:15), discord (Prov. 6:14), and strife (Prov. 10:12; 16:28).

It is no wonder that “the Lord hates … who stirs up trouble among brothers” (Prov. 6:16, 19 HCSB).

Many disagreements are the result of sinful attitudes and behavior, and all disharmony in relationships is ultimately the result of sin.

Gen. 3 — Conflict entered between God and man, man and man, and man and creation

Disharmony in relationships exists because the world is broken due to sin, because we are sinners

In other words, we lack peace in relationships not primarily because of misunderstandings, personality differences, different values, or the offenses of others, but because our sin nature separates us from the source of peace, God himself.

In a real sense, sin is at the center of all our conflict — even the conflicts that are the result of misunderstandings or different opinions.

Whether the conflict we’re in is a result of sin or not, God always has a bigger story he’s telling with our conflict.

Third, the Bible sees conflict as a tool of sanctification.

Prov 27:17 “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.”

Ken Sande:

“the Bible teaches that we should see conflict neither as an inconvenience nor as an occasion to force our will on others, but rather as an opportunity to demonstrate the love and power of God in our lives.”

God, in His sovereignty, allows us to enter into conflict so that we will become more like Him.

God is not concerned with getting you through conflict; God is concerned with growing you through conflict.

Growing you to be more like Christ. God’s will for your life (1 Thess 4:13; Rom 8:29).

Four Steps to Redeem Conflict

I don’t want you to aim at simply “resolving” conflict. I want you to aim at REDEEMING IT.

Taking what the enemy means for evil and using it as a weapon against him.

Take the conflict you’re faced with and so redeem it by the Holy Spirit’s power in you that the watching world sees it and believes that Jesus is the Son of God.

That’s what Jesus is praying for in John 17.

1. Glorify God

How can I please and honor God in this situation?

The primary question we default to: “What’s in it for me? How far can I go without being sinful? What are my rights?”

The primary question we were made to ask: “How can I glorify God in this?”

It’s not about YOU.

“For his name sake.”

1 Corinthians 10:31 (ESV)

31 So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.

Story: This verse and how it spoke to me as an 8th grade baseball player.

You can glorify God in anything you do, so long as it is not prohibited by scripture and you can do it in faith.

Primarily, to glorify God means to focus on the Gospel:

Ken Sande:

Biblical peacemaking is motivated and guided by a deep desire to bring honor to God by revealing the reconciling love and power of Jesus Christ. As we draw on his grace, follow his example, and put his teachings into practice, we can find freedom from the impulsive, self-centered decisions that make conflict worse, and bring praise to God by displaying the power of the gospel in our lives.

....

Conflict always provides an opportunity to glorify God, that is, to bring him praise and honor by showing who he is, what he is like, and what he is doing. The best way to glorify God in the midst of conflict is to depend on and draw attention to his grace, that is, the undeserved love, mercy, forgiveness, strength, and wisdom he gives to us through Jesus Christ.

The depth of God’s grace in the Gospel:

Story: Man paying off debts. The one with a $5 debt, “Thank you, that was nice of you,” but the man’s sacrifice would be fairly insignificant, and therefore the debtor’s life impacted relatively little. The one with a $5,000,000 debt — can you imagine his reaction? Sobbing, disbelief, incredulity at the man’s unprompted, unwarranted generosity. He is forever marked by that level of grace.

You will be moved by God’s grace to the extent at which you understand your indebtedness to Him as a sinner.

We think of ourselves as sinners because we do sinful things.

The biblical truth is that we sin because we are sinners.

If sin were the color blue, then everything we do is tinted with shades of blue — from the most noble acts, to the most heinous. We are never free from our sin nature, which directs us to be self-interested and self-protective.

Now you might think, “Okay, I get it - I’m not perfect. Nobody is. But are my sins really bad enough to separate me from God? To make it so that I deserve eternal separation from him - hell?!”

Slap the armrest beside you. Now slap the person beside you.

Why didn’t you do it?! Because you know that the same action is morally different depending on who you do it against.

Punch a punching bag, you’re not guilty.

Punch a neighbor, you’re guilty and getting charges pressed.

Punch the President, you’re guilty of a federal crime and going to prison for a long time.

Same action - punching - vastly different levels of guilt.

When you sin against an infinitely holy God, you incur infinite guilt — eternal judgment and separation from his goodness.

Do you want to know how much God hates sin? Look at the cross! — The pain, agony, wrath endured by Christ

Do you know how much God loves sinners? Look at the cross! — The pain, agony, wrath endured by Christ, for your sake!

If you are a believer: You have been freed from an unspeakable amount of punishment, rightly deserved because of your former rebellion against God. God Himself has absorbed the punishment for your sin, so that you can be forgiven, so that you can be in a relationship with Him.

How dare you refuse to forgive someone else who’s sinned against you?

How could you possibly let someone else’s annoying personality or non-sinful habits cause you to be bitter or passive aggressive or ugly towards them?

Jesus — the parable of the unforgiving servant

Remember the grace you have been shown. Reflect on it until it moves you to tears and gratitude and dependency on Him.

If you are not a believer: You currently sit as a rebel against the Creator of the universe. And you’re guilty. The prospect for you, if nothing changes in your life, is that you will go the rest of your life on an eternal trajectory separated from the source of love and beauty and truth and goodness — an eternal state the bible calls hell. But on offer to you today is the grace to be forgiven, to be drawn into the source of love and beauty and truth and goodness - God Himself — to know Him, become like Him, and enjoy him forever.

For everyone today: the question is: Will you choose to glorify God?

Will you see your life as not ultimately your own, as belonging to a greater story?

Your life is not your own, it was bought with a price.

CONFLICT that starts with us glorifying ourselves ends with us fighting for our own namesake, tooth and nail for our own reputation. Two people who do this have no chance of ever reconciling.

CONFLICT that starts with us glorifying God, asking how we can honor him with our attitudes, words, and actions, is the only stable starting point.

2. Get the log out of your own eye

How can I show Jesus’s work in me by taking responsibility for my contribution to this conflict?

Matthew 7:5 (ESV)

5 You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.

—

Ken Sande:

Attacking others only invites counterattacks. This is why Jesus teaches us to face up to our own contributions to a conflict before we focus on what others have done. When we overlook others’ minor offenses and honestly admit our own faults, our opponents will often respond in kind. As tensions decrease, the way may be opened for sincere discussion, negotiation, and reconciliation.

3. Gently restore

How can I lovingly serve others by helping them take responsibility for their contribution to this conflict?

Galatians 6:1 (ESV)

1 Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.

—

Ken Sande:

When others fail to see their contributions to a conflict, we sometimes need to graciously show them their fault. If they refuse to respond appropriately, Jesus calls us to involve respected friends, church leaders, or other objective individuals who can help us encourage repentance and restore peace.

4. Go and be reconciled

How can I demonstrate the forgiveness of God and encourage a reasonable solution to this conflict?

Matthew 5:24 (ESV)

24 leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.

—

Rom 15:5-7 - “May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God” (Rom. 15:5–7).

1 Cor 1:10 - “I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought” (1 Cor. 1:10).

Gal 5:19-22 - “The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: … hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy.… But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace” (Gal. 5:19–22).

Col 3:13,15 — “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievance you may have against one another.… Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace” (Col. 3:13, 15).

1 Thess 5:13b-15 — “Live in peace with each other.… Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong” (1 Thess. 5:13b–15).

—

Ephesians 4:31–5:2 (ESV)

31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

1 Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. 2 And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

Truth:

Reconciliation requires both parties working together to confess wrongdoing, seek and offer forgiveness, and determine a mutually beneficial path forward.

You are commanded to forgive others, and you are commanded to pursue reconciliation. The first is in your court — the other requires their cooperation.

You can be freed from the conflict or offense of another person if you have sought to glorify God, confessed your own shortcomings, gently confronted the other person, and pursued reconciliation, even if they continue in their hurtful ways.

Control what you can control.

Story: MLK Jr. — Peace in Christ, peace in the midst of chaos

Example: Nelson Mandela

“Reconciliation does not mean forgetting or trying to bury the pain of conflict, but that reconciliation means working together to correct the legacy of past injustice.”

C.S. Lewis ends his masterpiece, Mere Christianity, with a chapter called “Let’s Pretend.”

Don’t wait to begin living in this way, pursuing conflict resolution this way, forgiving this way, until you FEEL like it.

Let’s pretend that you already are that kind of person. The kind of person who can turn the other cheek when offended. The kind of person who can forgive the most heinous offense. The kind of person who can overlook a multitude of sins. The kind of person who can return kindness for harm.

The kind of person who acts like a son or daughter of the Most High God — One who is infinitely kind and gracious and forgiving.

If you are in Christ, this is already true of you. The fruit of the Spirit will catch up. But don’t want on feelings. Start acting as if it is already true today.

Closing

JOHN 17: 20 “I do not ask for these only, but also for those who will believe in me through their word, 21 that they may all be one, just as you, Father, are in me, and I in you, that they also may be in us, so that the world may believe that you have sent me.

We often pray to God to have our requests met.

Seeking reconciliation in conflict is one of the few areas where we can answer Jesus’s prayer.

When we pursue unity

Will you?

PRAY