Parents Just don't understand

Chapter 1 of American son book

ephe 6:4 “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

You know parents are the same No matter time nor place They don't understand that us kids Are going to make some mistakes So to you, all the kids all across the land There's no need to argue Parents just don't understand- DJ Jazzy Jeff and the fresh prince

The lyrics of this song rings true today; no parent wants to face this reality. Is it really possible to be out of touch with what your children are going through? Didn’t i go through the same thing; i was their age before?

Conventional wisdom suggests the impossibilities of parents being out of touch with the world their children live in. I remember my parents thinking they knew it all; everything i experienced from elementary to high school. The usual stuff: how to make good grades, how to not get bullied, how to date, how to do everything. . the list goes on and on.

Yes, parents do walk through the earlier years as their children are currently walking; but some things have changed. Struggles are not exactly the same: what it looks like to fit in and be cool is different from what it used to be.

This new time warrants a fresh sense of awareness for what children are going through. We can’t force our children to take the exact same steps we took in order to be successful.

So maybe, just maybe it’s possible to be out of touch with what their kids are experiencing.

What they want us to know:

11-18

Youth Perspectives:

Understand that the internet plays an important and positive role in our lives “[Parents need to understand] that not everywhere on the internet is so unsafe and which areas are.” “They need to understand that the internet and social media plays an important part in their kids’ lives.”

Understand what we’re going through “I think that parents need to try and understand their children’s situation more so that they know what they are going through so that they can try and help them better.” “They need to understand the situation so that they can help more efficiently. They may also misinterpret the situation and scold their child rather than helping and empathising.”

Be sensitive to our feelings and treat us with care “They need to understand how children may feel if something goes wrong for them.” “They need to treat their kids with care and respect when something happens online.”

Give us some freedom to build trust and independence “I think that parents need to understand that young children do need to be protected on the internet, however sometimes a small amount of freedom can aid them in some important life lessons.” “Parents need to understand trust. Of course every parent trusts their child, but going against them is what makes their children go against them as well.” “They can’t protect their children all the time and need to let them make their own choices in an adult manner even if it means putting them at risk, giving the child the independence need for life.”

We will make mistakes – but you can guide us through this “They need to trust their children and realise that things can happen that might not be the best thing in the world but they should just talk it out with their child to gain their child’s trust.” “That children will make mistakes and they need to guide them through the process of what you could do.”

from psychology experts:

Listen

Actively listening to your child means eye contact, not interrupting, and not waiting for your turn to talk. If they aren’t asking for advice, don’t give it. Instead ask them questions like, “What do you think you could do about that?” or “How did that make you feel?” Really hearing what your child wants to tell you will encourage them to continue communicating. Making every conversation a lesson (given by you) leaves them feeling inferior and disempowered. Take advantage of time together in the car or at meals and practice just hearing their ideas with an open mind

Make mistakes when they are watching

Resilience allows us to make lemonade out of lemons or to get back on the bike when we have fallen off 10 times. Children learn more from your example than they do from your words. If you want them to believe that part of growth is making mistakes, they need to see you burn dinner or fall on the ski slopes occasionally. One of your most powerful opportunities to demonstrate this to your child is when you make a parenting mistake. Let’s say you lose your cool and yell. Instead of hoping they will forget your outburst you can say, “I don’t want to yell at you when I am frustrated. I’m sorry. Even mommies make mistakes.”

Let them make messes and mistakes

Happy children know they can cope. They have learned by getting off at the wrong bus stop or pouring the milk too quickly and having it spill. According to child psychologist JoAnn Deak, kids feel supported when they don’t do something right the first time and they are more likely to keep trying. This leads to children with greater problem solving skills as adults. The ability to think outside the box is more about nurture than nature. When they learn this type of thinking in childhood, it translates to success in adult years.

Teach them gratitude

Gratitude is the fastest shortcut to happiness.Studies done at Berkeley have linked gratitude to increased personal well-being. If children are grateful for what they already have in life, they are more likely to be happy. Starting a family ritual of sharing the best moment of each family member’s day and one thing they are grateful for every time your have a sit down family dinner. Families who sit down to eat together raise healthier children.

Praise them often for what they do not what they are

Humans have a negativity bias. We remember the bad stuff in our day more than the good stuff. The chemicals released by negative emotions like anger and fear just pack a stronger wallop than the gentler positive emotions like hope, inspiration and joy. Carol Dweck’s research has found that to counteract this we need to praise them seven times for each time they hear something they perceive as negative. Praise needs to be given in a very specific way for it to be most effective. When a child is praised for being smart they get a boost in their happiness. However smart is something you are not something you work at. Inevitably even the best student will find something that they have to work harder to be successful at. If your child thinks that they are smart when things come easily and not smart when they have to work at things, you are setting them up to stop trying when things get tough. Instead, praise your child for their planning, their effort and their technique. That way when things are tough you can point out how great they have been at figuring things out in the past.

Have fun

“We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.” The best part of childhood is all the playing. Show your kids how to climb trees. Dress up and be superheroes together. Have a tea party or a dance off. The sillier the better. Happy children laugh frequently.

Teach them compassion

Compassion is two-fold: compassion for self and compassion for others. Many children receive the message from their parents, “I love you when you are good” or “I love you as long as you love me”. Teaching a child to be self-compassionate means demonstrating love in an unconditional way. Removing your love as a penalty for bad behavior causes them to believe that when they act a certain way they are not worthy of your love. According to parenting expert Thomas Gordon, it is best to avoid statement like, “if you loved me you wouldn’t do that’. Never attach your love to their behavior and they will learn to love themselves.

Modeling compassion for others is the second part. Show your children how to be empathetic and caring. Help people. Volunteer together. Point out how fortunate you are to live where you live and have what you have so they develop gratitude for things they might otherwise take for granted.