9 Marks of a Healthy Marriage: Sexual Intimacy

Week #5 - February 27

Series: Nine Marks of a Healthy Marriage

Lesson: Sexual Intimacy

Icebreaker:

Article: Men’s Health

Exercise:

Verse Handouts - Look up and read at the table.

What is the key phrase in each verse?

Do you love your spouse?

What’s the goal of the lesson?

To challenge the married hearers to a biblical conviction about sexual intimacy in marriage.

Is there a need for this topic or goal?

Yes, some see it as a necessary evil for the purpose of pro-creation.

Yes, some see it as a means to personal satisfaction.

Quote: “Al Mohler describes what he calls the pervasive plague of pornography…as…one of the greatest moral challenges faced by the Christian church in the postmodern age.” [Chester, Tim. Closing the Window, IVP, 2010, p. 10].

Big Idea:

The gospel is the solution for sinfully extreme perspectives of sexual intimacy because the gospel empowers submission to the word so that we may value our spouse, relate to our spouse, and selflessly give to our spouse.

How will we answer the need?

(1) The Normalization of Pornography & its Impact on Marriages

(2) The Demonization of Sexual Intimacy and is Impact on Marriages

(3) What is the Solution re: Sexual Intimacy?

Body:

(1) The Normalization of Pornography & its Impact on Marriages

(a) What is pornography and the normalization of pornography?

“Porn is Satan recruiting us to degrade a woman into the opposite of who she is — from royalty to slavery.” - Ortlund in The Death of Porn: Men of Integrity Building a World of Nobility, Crossway, 2021, p. 46.

“Porn…is anything we use for sexual titillation, gratification or escape — whether it was intended for that purpose or not…incl. sexually explicit material in magazines or movies, and on the Internet. Can involve…undressing people with your eyes, or fantasizing about sex with someone who’s not your spouse.” [Chester, Tim. Ibid, p. 11].

Carl Trueman says, “The instinctive Christian response to pornography is fundamentally correct: pornography involves the promotion of lusts and the objectification of women.” in the Rise and Triumph of the Modern Self, Crossway Publishers, p. 285.

The normalize something is to make something the standard condition or state.

“Perhaps the most obvious evidence for pornography now being part of mainstream popular culture is the manner in which key players in the pornographic industry are today considered well-known celebrities.” - Trueman, pp. 284-85. [i.e. Stormy Daniels]

Summary: The normalization of pornography is when our thoughts or activities manifest unbounded pursuits of sexuality or human nakedness; and the impact is that we are psychologically, emotionally, and physically reshaped in how we engage other image-bearers of God.

(b) What scriptural principles should guide my convictions.

(i) Hope versus hopelessness - Hebrews 13:4.

The cross teaches us that sex is not a problem; it is a gift. Jesus didn’t suffer and die to free you from sex but to free you from sexual sin. [Tripp, Paul David. Marriage (Repackage) (p. 330). Crossway. Kindle Edition.]

(ii) Valuation vs. Objectification. Genesis 1:26-27. James 3:9.

Sins against mankind are always sins against their Creator, even within the covenant of marriage.

(iii) Lust of heart - Matthew 5:28.

“He is saying that this sexual integrity is so precious that is must not be violated, even in the privacy of someone else’s mind.” - Sam Allberry [Ortlund, Ray. Death to Porn. Crossway, p. 45]

(c) What are the lasting impacts on marriage?

Practical Symptoms

(i) Compartmentalization of intimate life.

“…some things in my past are hard to remember because I had to detach from my body, my mind, and my heart, just to survive.” [Ortlund, Ibid, p. 47 - spoken by woman formerly in porn industry]

(ii) Pursuit of fantasy in the bedroom.

(iii) Selfishness versus selflessness.

Summary: the lasting impact on marriage is (1) a sense of hopelessness for someone married to an individual with a warped view of sexual intimacy and (2) a formation of bad habits in learning to cope with covenantal, conjugal expectations.

(2) The Demonization of Sexual Intimacy and its Impact on Marriages

(a) What is demonization and how did this happen?

(i) Demonization is the act or fact of regarding, treating, or speaking of a person or thing as entirely bad.

(ii) This happens by:

A fear-based purity culture in the church’s teaching

A male-dominated, female-impugning approach to sex and intimacy (in the church’s teaching)

If a man lusts, it’s because the way the woman dressed.

Wife, you need to meet his needs even if you don’t feel like it, or He will cheat on you.

(b) What are the lasting impacts on marriages?

Practical Symptoms

(i) Sexual intimacy is considered dirty or to be endured rather than enjoyed.

If anyone says that sex is bad or dirty in itself, we have the entire Bible to contradict him. [Keller, Timothy. The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God (p. 213). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.]

(ii) Sexual intimacy with a different kind of selfishness, namely, one which I don’t do if I don’t have to. I Corinthians 7:1-5.

Summary: The demonization of sexual intimacy fosters an unbiblical view of intimacy that leads to serious personal tension in the marriage.

(3) What’s the Solution?

(a) Intentional response to the authority of the scriptures.

everything that follows is founded upon this

the word must be understood through the lens of the gospel.

Sexual intimacy must be guided by this gospel-centered understanding of the word.

(b) Image-bearer of God not object for our pleasure.

the gospel confirms the value of the image-bearers

the gospel makes us to be new creations.

(c) Relational not compartmental (whole person)

Obviously, Paul also understands becoming “one flesh” here to mean becoming one person. One flesh refers to the personal union of a man and woman at all levels of their lives. Paul, then, is decrying the monstrosity of physical oneness without all the other kinds of oneness that every sex act should mirror. Keller, Timothy. The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God (pp. 216-217). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

the gospel confirms that the entire person matters.

Here [Paul’s] thought owes nothing to any antecedent notions, and displays a psychological insight into human sexuality which is altogether exceptional by first-century standards. The apostle denies that coitus[sexual intimacy] is . . . no more than an appropriate exercise of the genital organs. On the contrary he insists that it is an act which . . . engages and expresses the whole personality in such a way as to constitute a unique mode of self-disclosure and self-commitment.5 [DS Bailey in Keller, Timothy. The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God (p. 217). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.]

(d) Selflessness not selfishness

the gospel models and provides to us selflessness.

Love = the conscience of your spouse matters

Delighting in serving

The cross teaches us that sex is not a problem; it is a gift. Jesus didn’t suffer and die to free you from sex but to free you from sexual sin. [Tripp, Paul David. Marriage (Repackage) (p. 330). Crossway. Kindle Edition.]

Summary: The gospel is the solution for sinfully extreme perspectives of sexual intimacy because the gospel empowers submission to the word so that we may value our spouse, relate to our spouse, and selflessly give ourselves to our spouse.

Helpful Resources for this Topic:

The Death of Porn by Ray Ortlund - Crossway Publishers

The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller - Penguin Publishing Group

Marriage by Paul Tripp - Crossway Publishers

Closing the Window: Steps to Living Porn Free - IVP Press

This Momentary Marriage by John Piper - Crossway Publishers

The Gospel-Centered Marriage by Tim Chester - The Good Book Company

Workshop

Quote on page 79 of workbook regarding manipulating words. What is an example of ways we manipulate?

Review ways that each temperament manipulates - p. 80.

Page 83 - share last exercise with someone at your table.

Homework:

Read and complete “Identifying Others” in ISTYHT, pp. 89-104.

Sexual Intimacy. An Understanding of God’s good gift of Sexual Intimacy. Pornographic vs. inhibition mindsets. Getting help.