ISD Session 4 March

SESSION 4 FACE TO FACE

RIDICULOUS FIGHT VIDEO

WHAT OBJECT BEST DESCRIBES YOUR COMMUNICATION STYLE?

VOLCANO/HERMIT OR TILLER

Agressive, Passive, P/A

‘Assertive——Direct, Respectful, Honoring keeps relational connection alive.

VERY FEW COUPLES ARE SIMILAR IN THEIR COMMUNICATION STYLES

WHICH CAN LEAD TO

RIDICULOUS FIGHTS-MOST CAUSED BY MISUNDERSTANDING AND A FAILURE IN communication

LOOKING BACK WE CAN LAUGH, BUT IN THE MOMENT IT WAS SERIOUS

This session is called Face to Face and you’ve guessed it, its about communication.

90 percent…maybe all

Why face to face?...... Moses met with God

EXODUS 33:11 “The Lord would speak to Moses face to face, as one speaks to a friend..............

We want to bring you back to a time where you were red hot on fire for God. The moment when you first met Him.

In Addition

We want to bring you back to the first moments of your relationship with your spouse.

When you sat face to face.

When we started face to face w/ Lord & w/ each other

When Moses would enter the tent to meet with God, I can not imagine that ever got old.

My questions is:

Why does our relationship with God at times grow cold? And like wise why does our marriages seem to grow cold?

I Believe its is because we fail to communicate to the deepest depths of our hearts.

We fail to truly continue to get to know each other.

For most of us we get busy, busy doing, doing life, making a living, serving in ministry, and the list goes on.....

we forsake time with the Lord

Time with our spouse

We forsake the face to face

Communication is foundational and a vital part of any healthy relationship.

If we fail to learn to properly communicate then our marriages will fail to thrive.

Each of the couples on this next video have very different communication styles.

But we want you to lean in and listen to how God taught them, healed them and deepened their communication with each other.

Remember what God has done for them He will also do for you!

Even a tiller and a Volcano can work together

Testimony Video

Again Communication is 90 percent, (colt statistic) munn institute says 97 percent..

True communication is Transparent, vulnerable, scary, raw and real....

You cant have a real relationship with God without communication.

God knows everything, no faking it.

God-man relationship-superficial-when fake or not real.

Marriage Relationship-shallow when not genuine

Not connected at the heart level.

We have to connect at the heart level.

Humans want to be understood

I have to get connected with Amanda on a level that reveals our hearts and where I begin to understand who she is and why she responds the way she does.

To reach each other at the most vulnerable level we have to be able to ask questions we are afraid to know the answer too.

Many of you have questions,

Many of you have answers,

Both of you are afraid

Unanswered questions can create barriers.

God has to orchestrate the conversations.........

How do we get all of what I just said moved into a place where intimate connection and communication can happen?

OUR GOAL FOR SESSION 4-FACE TO FACE HAS BEEN TO CREATE AN ATMOSPHERE OF OPEN COMMUNICATION

We want you to ask yourselves-do you feel truly open to communicate w/ your spouse?

At a deep level...

God downloaded this vision to us early on in the planning stages for ISD

And then He took us thru the process of getting to where we can say that our communication is completely open.

How do we create life giving, life altering environments that are conducive to great communication?

We would love to say this journey has been smooth sailing, but that would be a lie!

I think it could be compared to a hike we once took and it was brutal to get to the top, but once we were at the top, the views were amazing!

We can say that now the hike of learning to communicate is worth the mountaintop experience

WHAT IS AN ATMOSPHERE OF OPEN COMMUNICATION:

It is created environment where both of you feel free & open to share what is going on in our minds, hearts and lives.

Healthy communication is hard work.

It’s a safe place (Adams

Its a place where nothing that is said will get used against either one of us.

Its a place where we can process together what is being said.

In this created space you hear your spouse & you feel heard by your spouse.

It is where we actively engage in the process of getting to know each other. This is a life long process.

Novemeber........ but now we know each other even more today...

Continue to get to know each other everyday, you will be more connected 6 month 1 years from now.

HOW DO WE GET TO AN AOC & WHY DO WE WANT IT

We already touched on the fact we are different communicators, but God has shown us that regardless of our communication style, we can communicate-if we are willing

We are going to share the things we have learned on this journey & hopefully you will see why it is so important & God will speak to you on the area you need for your marriage.

What we share is not something we put together to teach you, it was birthed out of a journey the Lord took us on. And we are simply going to share it with you.

NO MATTER WHAT STYLE OUR COMMUNICATION IS, GOD HAS WIRED US ALL W/ THE DESIRE TO BE:

HEARD

UNDERSTOOD

VALUED

AND LOVED.

When we don’t FEEL HEARD, UNDERSTOOD, VALUED & LOVED it RESULTS IN FRUSTRATION & HINDERS OUR COMMUNICATION

HEAR THIS....YOU MUST FEEL HEARD

YOU CAN SCREAM AND YELL AND BE HEARD BUT NOT FEEL HEARD

Maybe screaming isn’t your go-to maybe nagging is

Proverbs 27:15-17 “A quarrelsome wife is like the dripping of a leaky roof in a rainstorm; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand. As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”

When we can Effectively communicate we sharpen each other

When we yell/nag we dull

A PERSON MUST FEEL HEARD OR WE EVENTUALLY THEY WILL GIVE UP

Ladies-need to work on nagging,

Husbands you need to understand that she wants to be heard, there is more going on than meets the eye.

“AN ATMOSPHERE OF COMMUNICATION IS CREATED. WE CREATE IT BY LEANING INTO ONE ANOTHER, EVEN WHEN EVERYTHING IN US IS TELLING US TO LEAN OUT.”

This is a fancy way of saying we must maintain a connection w/ each other even when we don’t want to.

We need to protect connection at all cost.

The enemy will always try to dismantle connection.

Your communication is either conducive to

Open communication

clear, valuable, healthy , vulnerable

always attempts to meet core needs

Even in disagreement.....

If this is not how you would describe your communication

Closed communication-

Hostility

yelling, arguing, and overall on two totally different pages

Silence/indifferent

Avoidance, going through the motions, not addressing anything

Seems to equal peace....

Agreement doesn’t equal great communication &

Disagreeing doesn’t equal bad communication

Disagreements can lead to great communication

“AN ATMOSPHERE OF COMMUNICATION IS CREATED. WE CREATE IT BY LEANING INTO ONE ANOTHER, EVEN WHEN EVERYTHING IN US IS TELLING US TO LEAN OUT.”

Let’s look at what leaning in vs leaning out looks like

What is leaning in-giving your full attention to the one sharing.

lean in, look in the eye, intent on hearing every word.....

Its not waiting for the moment to respond, but to meet core needs

Conveying that you care & want to hear what the other is saying.

Physically Movement

-This is w/ our physical presence, in our body language, posture, & facial expressions.

Research has shown that 93% of all communication is non-verbal

It is going back to the Face to Face-where we desired to know and be known

Emotionally-Leaning in is

us forcing our way through our feelings to stay engaged in a conversation.

Maintains a heart connection.

1 even if its a difficult conversation or

2 a conversation that we are not necessarily interested in.

What does Leaning in accomplish:

Meets our core desires

To feel heard, to be understood, to be valued & loved

Leaning in breaks strongholds

Satan would love to cause you to remove yourself from every conversation that would eventually lead to healing & breakthrough. If Satan can cause you to run & avoid the conversations that lead to healing then he knows a stronghold is formed.

Reuben said I don’t have any secrets anymore

#goal-this is a process.

“Nothing that remains hidden can ever be allowed to heal.”

Satan’s chief goal is to stop the intimacy created by us leaning in to each other.

When we lean in we are opening heavens power and presence into our conversations.

Leaning out is the opposite of leaning in

Physically it is being dis-connected & dis-interested in the conversation & portraying that in our body language.

LEANING OUT tells your spouse

I DON’T CARE

I am not interested

I AM NOT LISTENING, I don’t hear you

I DON’T VALUE YOU, nor do I love you

Leaning out does not invite heaven into your marriage.

In fact it does the opposite it invites satan in to work against you.

storySTORY LEADING UP TO ISD....

Its been crazy to say the least.

We both have had times of stress

Amanda Communicated she was stressed.......

Colt demanded why

PAUSE-OUR WORDS CAN WOUND, IN THE SPLIT SECOND IT TAKES FOR THEM TO COME OUT OF OUR MOUTH, WE CAN TRIGGER A HURT THAT CAN LAST A LIFE TIME IF NOT DEALT W/

By our words we either draw forth Gods presence or we push Him away from our marriage. Our words can push away, crush and wound our spouses in ways we would never dream.

most of us would take the words back if we would wait one min and think about what we are saying.

Our words matter, they can tear down and they can build up.

We must use them wisely

PROVERBS 18:21 “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”

EPHESIANS 4:29 “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

Let’s talk about our words. Our responses in particular

Our responses can lead to great communication or shut it down entirely.

The goal of responding in a conversation should not be, “get my point across”.

Maintain connection

Find a resolution

Understand the person

When we faced this stressful moment, did you catch my response?

I demanded why....

My side of the fence looked way more stressful

WHY-

SEEMS LIKE A NATURAL & APPROPRIATE RESPONSE

WHY IS DEMANDING

It has a negative undertone

It says I don’t believe you

Prove to me why you feel like that

Why feels unkind

And unkindness is repelling, we move away from unkindness.

ROMANS 2:4-THE KINDNESS OF GOD LEADS MEN TO REPENTANCE.

GODS KINDNESS DRAWS PEOPLE IN

OUR KINDNESS WILL DO THE SAME

We are wired to run toward kindness and away from unkindness.

When I demanded why

Amanda felt she had to defend her position

I can tend to invalidate her feelings when I dont understand or agree, and what I had to realize is, I am devaluing her when I do that.

Not my job. My job is to understand her. My job is to value her feelings.

We both leaned out of the conversation

Nothing was resolved… Healing didn’t happen

However if I had responded by leaning in we would have had a different outcome

Why can be kind if we are leaning in and genuinely asking to help & understand the situation.

If I would have said Babe why do you feel that way instead of why in the world

Most of the time the response is WHY IN THE WORLD.....LOL

WHAT HAPPENED, TELL ME ABOUT THAT

Bryan asks Lisa-what can I do

Guys, I understand this may not seem manly to ask these question,

it may go against everything in you that you want to do.

But EPH 5:25 says our job is to envoke our brides beauty and bring the best out in her.

They desire to have deep conversations & so do we, if we will admit it.

Men this is us getting in to the game and not shouting commands from the stands.

So when in you are in conflict, before you respond ask yourself if your response invites or shuts down your spouse to continue to communicate.

You can’t relate if you don’t communicate. In the midst of healthy communication there is always the opportunity for conflict.

Conflict is a natural byproduct of every close relationship.

I want a conflict free marriage....not that I avoid conflict, I actually don’t mind it at all. b/c it is an opportunity for growth.

I just don’t like it between me and her.....

Makes me feel like our marriage is failing or at best I am failing......

How often do you allow conflict to tear your relationship apart or strain it?

Regardless, if we have been married a few years or many, we will continually have opportunity to communicate.

We will have times that cause us to question if we have even made any progress…

We can not measure our lives by moments

Moments can lie to us but when we look at the seasons we are in and have been through then we should be able to see the progress we are making with the Lord help.

During this past year-I can go back to March 2021 and see the progress, but I can also go back to specific moments this past year and if we focus on them alone, we wouldn’t see the progress

Like a our kid’s growth chart-clearly see between months, but not on the day to day

So the next time a conflict arises-don’t be dismayed! Instead look at it as an opportunity for growth.

There are times that we can not immediately deal with every issue.

Responsibilities, work or the moment is to intense to discuss

But if you feel heard & understood, you can be on the journey to healing

This takes both of you, to stop & pray & commit to coming back to addressing the situation later when both of you can focus on the conversation.

What if a conflict happens right before you walk out door for work

Davis-if we know their heart, we just have to understand where they are coming from

Re-assure that you love & are for each other-pray & not let it ruin your day

Fix it or listen

We don’t always need a solution, we just need to be heard & understood.

Guys need to understand that our brides don’t always need us to fix things, sometimes they just want a listening ear.

And if you think this is bizarre-it is!

Women simply tell your husband you want him to hear

Like Robin said she learned he can’t read her mind-she had to actually communicate to Casey

We have learned that when I communicate my thoughts, desires, needs-Colt learns more about me and when he knows me so well, it is like he can read my mind at times (& vice versa)

It’s not that I can read her mind but I am understanding your heart.

JAMES 1:19 “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,”

Active Listening

This is an amazing too to use in conflict & communication in general.

It is more than just hearing, it is listening with all our senses and giving our full attention to our spouse when they are speaking.

It is asking clarifying questions,

This ends any misunderstandings.

Adams-that is not what I said!

Our perception is truth to us until we know the real truth.

I expected Colt to read my mind b/c I felt the feeling w/ all my being

Its important to understand each other.

Active listening allows us to lean into each other and really hear the heart and thoughts of your spouse.

Connection Codes- Feelings

We are going to talk about feelings (Connection Codes-Glenn & Phyllis Hill)

The only way you can build a heart to heart connection with someone is to communicate on a heart level about your feelings and needs. -DANY SILK-Keep your love on

Amanda-grew up w/ suck it up butter cup

Colt has said for years (up to the last couple) that he didn’t have feelings.

& at times when I would say that hurt my feelings it made Colt mad (bc you felt like a failure)

Jill didn’t know what she was feeling

We found out that:

When we cannot identify our feelings, we cannot effectively communicate

& some of these feelings may be from the way back-but as you learn to identify them you will begin to heal.

Men-I know it may not be “manly” to identify your feelings, but it is Godly

EMOTIONAL WHEEL (page 19)

GOAL IS TO PROCESS THE EMOTION IN REAL TIME

ANGER, HURT, SHAME, SADNESS, LONELY, FEAR, GUILT, JOY

Must address the outside of the wheel to get to the Joy in the center

Science-these feelings are not negative or positive

it is what we do w/ them that becomes negative or positive

I felt guilty when I was trying to pack & the kids were driving me nuts

I felt sad when

Need a transition....

5 Love languages

tee amo me expozo sexy………..What?!?!!!!!!

I love you (spanish)

I was clearly communicating my feelings to Colt, but it was in a language he didn’t understand.

Quality Time

Acts of Service

Gifts

Physical Touch

Words of Affirmation.

We usually give what we want & complain about what we need

Question from lady…

What is your spouse complaining about

Encourage you to discover the language your spouse receives love-and communicate that way!

WE’VE GIVEN YOU AWESOME TOOLS

Talk about the challenges

Challenges from Session 3 & 4

If you get frustrated during these challenges, stop & pray

The goal is to challenge & inspire you, not to discourage you.

Prayer partners are available-find someone w/ a lanyard

Today is the day to make the change-not tomorrow, now

We have talked about the importance of doing devotions together

We have 2 different ones for sale @ apparel

This is the last time to purchase

END W/ CALL TO COUPLES WHO ARE IN A BAD SEASON OF LIFE

LEAN OUT TOGETHER

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