Communicating with your spouse

   Here are some simple suggestions that can help to improve communication with your spouse. Why do you need to work on communication? It is because what you don't maintain will deteriorate! It doesn't go forward or stay the same. It goes backwards!
   Take your house for example. With the small amount of time it takes to maintain your house - like clean the gutters, change the air filter, fix a small leak - your house will give you years of trouble free living. But if you neglect these little areas of attention - what happens? Things deteriorate and before too long you have major problems that will take a lot of your time, effort, and money.

   What does this have to do with marriage? What we don't maintain in our marriage will cause deterioration in our marriage. One of the best ways to prevent deterioration in our marriages is to commit to taking the time to talk with one another so your relationship can keep growing all your married life. There are communication times we can instill in our marriage that that will make a difference in our relationship, such as "Daily Talk Times" and "Weekly Talk Times." These are scheduled and guarded times to have an allotted amount of time to talk to each other. But, there are also some other designated “times” we should consider for better communication with your spouse. Here are three suggestions:

1. HANGING-OUT TIMES
   Have you discovered, that some of your best conversations are not planned but happen spontaneously? Donna and I have discovered this with children, especially when they're teenagers. Hanging around them, with no set agenda, we've experienced many good chats since they are more relaxed and tend to bring up a myriad of subjects.

   It's the same way in your marriage. It's those times you make to just hang out with each other that may illicit some wonderful conversations. It's often those small blocks of time when you share your thoughts and heart with each other. For us it's when we do fun activities together, like going to the gym, going for walks, watching football games together. Sometimes during those activities we'd have playful talks and other times, deep and meaningful.

   When couples tell me they haven't been communicating they often say, "We don't have anything to talk about." That's why I recommend Hanging-Out Times because when you share activities together such as walking, gardening, skiing or serving together in a ministry in your local church, you have something in common to talk about. Or maybe start sharing a hobby together, let me illustrate how this would work; (fictitious names and hobby) Bill began sharing his interest and knowledge of World War Two history with Jill, who was never a history buff. Even though Bill wasn’t in WWII because he wasn’t even born yet, Bill is still never short on words to share with some of the more interesting battle strategies he just studied. They had some good conversations over this hobby. Jill wanted to learn a lot, especially since her father was in the 82nd Airborne in WWII- the unit who landed behind the German lines the night before the Normandy invasion on D-day - similar to the "Saving Private Ryan" movie. So, when they saw the movie together, it was a source of great conversation. They even watch the History Channel together and discuss the WWII stuff they see on there.

2. ESCAPE TIMES
Escape times are when we get alone for a date or romantic interlude which can be right in our own home - an overnight stay at a nearby hotel - or sometimes even a weekender. All of us need these times away from the telephone, family, and all the interruptions and schedules that can bombard us at home. These times give us the ability to just focus on each other which has enhanced our relationship.

Donna thought that when we were first started these escape times, that we would spend all our time having deep, meaningful conversations, but she found out that these deep conversations didn't always happen, and then she was disappointed. She has changed her thinking since we started having more opportunities to talk. She now just goes with the flow wherever we are. We’ve learned to enjoy just being in each others presence, and if a deep conversation comes out of it, it's an added treat. Sometimes we both like to just hold each other without any verbal conversation going on. This is also good.

3. TALK WITH OTHERS TIMES

This brings up our last point on communication with your mate. Some of you may be like Susan (fictitious names) who for years believed that Bob should meet all of her communication needs, but unfortunately she was often disappointed. Bob, on the other hand, felt like he couldn't please her because the reality is that it's nearly impossible for your mate to meet all your communication needs. We need others in our lives to fill in that gap.

It is a proven psychological fact that, on average, women will need to speak and hear more adult conversation words per day than men.

Susan realized she was running short on having girlfriends to talk with over coffee or doing a craft together, or in a Bible study. (I highly recommend couples getting involved together in a small group from their church.) But, as Susan pursued these relationships it helped balance her communication needs and it took the pressure off of Bob having to do it all.

If any of you are pressing your mate for more communication, could it just be that you need some friends of the same sex to fill that need? Being involved with others of the same sex should be encouraged by each spouse. Please think on it and pray on it and don’t forget to pray together and for each other about what you are facing as a couple.

Thank you.

Pastor Dennis