Love Or Romance One Will Bring Fulfillment
Love Or Romance? One Will Bring Fulfillment
1 Corinthians 13:1-3 NIV
(Text…) The Truth About Romance From Kids… How Does a Person Decide Who to Marry? "You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." Kally, age 9; Allan, age 10 says, "You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Kirsten, age 10 says, "No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you got to find out later who you’re stuck with."
Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married "Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then!" Cam, age 10 "No age is good to get married at.... You got to be a fool to get married!" Freddie, age 6 How Can a Stranger Tell if Two People are Married? "Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." Eddie, age 6 "You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." Derrick, age 8
What Do You Think Your Mom and Dad Have in Common? "Both don’t want no more kids." Lori, age 8; The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Married? "It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!" Anita, age 9.
Kids are so perceptive. They accurately pick up on the way married people treat one another. Marriage is a real puzzle to many folks. During the dating and engagement period they were hot and heavy for one another. They’d climb any mountain or swim a raging sea just to be with their beloved. Throughout that prenuptial time the couple was deeply “in love.” Then came marriage. It was great for the first few months, but then things seemed to cool. After a few years and a couple of kids the flames of passion have been quenched by responsibility and familiarity. Within a few years one of three things happens to marriage: 1) partners withdraw from one another; 2) they get a divorce; or 3) the relationship grows stronger and deeper. I want to suggest to you that the couples in the last category learned to truly love one another. The individuals in the first two didn’t.
Here’s the problem. When we date and we say, we fall in love, but it’s not really love that we’re experiencing. It’s romance. And romance is light years away from real love. It feels good, sure, but romance doesn’t have the staying power of love. It is only temporary. Let’s briefly examine real love and contrast it with romance.
The Bible provides us a picture of the ultimate lover of all people, God. He is love, so it’s easy to assume we can see what real love is like by examining his actions. Listen to the words of Jesus: “You have heard that the law of Moses says, ‘Love your neighbor’ and hate your enemy. But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust, too.” Matthew 5:43-45 (NLT)
1. Love Is Not a Feeling
Notice what is missing from these verses. Feelings are nowhere to be found. That’s because love is not a feeling. Love is primarily a commitment and an action. It may lead to feelings, but it is not a feeling in and of itself. Love is a decision of the will to seek the best possible good for another person.
That’s what we see God doing. He cares even for people who deny his existence or outright hate him. He acts lovingly toward sinner and saint alike. Does God have good feelings toward all people? Well, that I can’t answer. The Bible does assure us that he hates sin. Despite evil actions, God seeks the best possible good for all people. The command of Jesus to love our enemy reveals the nature of love too. If we’re called to work up warm, sentimental feelings about our enemies, we’re in trouble. But that’s not love. Love is not a feeling. It is an action. It seeks the best for others.
Here’s where we can see the contrast with “falling in love” or romance. Romance is not an act of the will. People do not make the decision to fall in love. It just happens. It smacks you upside your unsuspecting head. True love is a decision.
2. Romance Entails no Effort.
Romance is instinctual. You automatically buy flowers and whisper sweet nothings into one another’s ears. One psychologist has gone as far as to say that falling in love is a genetically based mating behavior designed for the continuation of the species. After having watched many dating couples, I think he’s right. Real love, unlike romance, requires effort. We choose to act in love even when we don’t feel like it.
3. Romance Sees no Need for Growth.
When you meet your dream man or dream woman they’re perfect in your eyes. Mr. or Miss right are never wrong. We don’t see those glaring defects that others warn us about. Romance blinds us to the obvious character flaws and growing edges of the object of our affection. Real love sees the warts and all, but still accepts the person and seeks to help them grow to reach their fullest potential.
Here’s how it works. We meet our future spouse, fall head over heels in love and eventually get married. The romance dries up and we wonder where the love has gone. But it wasn’t love to begin with. Love comes after the commitment has been made. Real love makes the conscious decision to seek the other person’s greatest possible good.
In this series we’re going to talk about ways to find fulfillment. We perceive and receive love in different ways. Let me add that these concepts can be applied to the other people in our lives. Our task is to figure out how to love them and in so doing, we become fulfilled in our lives. Why? Because, we find fulfillment in giving ourselves away; first to God, and then because God is in our lives we can properly give ourselves away to others.
How do you give yourself away in love? You Give Yourself Away In Love Through …
Words of Affirmation.
For many, the primary way they receive love is through the words of others. There are husbands and wives who are wilting because they’re not being affirmed by their spouse and it’s killing their relationship. There is great power in human speech. That old saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me” is a complete lie. Words can kill. Look at the power the Bible ascribes to our speech: Proverbs 18:21 “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” (NIV)
Love must be communicated verbally in a marriage, especially when it’s one of the partner’s primary love needs. If not, the relationship deteriorates.
I recently heard a husband who tells his wife, “I told my wife I loved her on our wedding day, and it stands until I revoke it!” Is it any wonder they’re having trouble in their marriage?
Ladies and gentlemen, if that’s the way you operate you’re marriage is in deep trouble. The strong silent type works in the movies, but doesn’t cut it in the real world of relationships. I recognize, though, that many of you, especially some of the men, feel at a loss of expressing love verbally. But we can learn to speak words of affirmation. Look at some Areas Of Affirmation:
A. Convey Compliments. Do you give sincere compliments? I’m not talking about flattery which is a false compliment. “You look sharp today.” “You look really nice in that dress! Wow!” “You must be the best potato cook in the world. I love these potatoes.” “I really appreciate you washing the dishes tonight.” “Thanks for getting the babysitter lined up tonight. I want you to know I don’t take that for granted.” “I really appreciate you taking the garbage out.”
A compliment is rendering someone their due. That’s what makes it different from flattery. The Bible tells us in Proverbs 3:27, “Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act.” (NIV) You can actually change the behavior of another person with compliments. If your wife, husband, or child needs it and you don’t speak it, they’ll often be resentful and possibly antagonistic. But if you love your spouse enough to affirm them verbally, you’ll see a change in their response to you.
In his book, The Five Languages of Love, Gary Chapman tells the following story: I was sitting in my office with my door open. A lady waling down the hall said, “Have you got a minute?” “Sure, come in.” She said, Dr. Chapman, I can’t get my husband to paint out bedroom. I have been after him for 9 months. I’ve tried everything, and I can’t get him to paint it.” My first thought was, Lady, I am not a paint contractor. But I said, “Tell me about it.”
She said, “Well, last Saturday was a good example. You remember how pretty it was? Do you know what my husband did all day long? He washed and waxed the car.” “So what did you do?” “I went out there and said, ‘Bob, I don’t understand you. Today would have been a perfect day to paint the bedroom, and here you are washing and waxing the car.’” “So did he paint the bedroom?” I inquired. “No. It’s still not painted. I don’t know what to do.”
“Let me ask you a question,” I said. “Are you opposed to waxed cars?” “No, but I want the bedroom painted.” “Are you certain your husband knows you want the bedroom painted?” “I know he does,” she said. “Let me ask you one more question. Does your husband ever do anything good, like taking the garbage out, or get bugs off the windshield of the car you drive, or put gas in the car, or pay the bills?” “Yes,” she said, “he does some of those things.”
“Then I have two suggestions. One, don’t ever mention painting the bedroom again.” “I don’t see how that’s going to help,” she said. “Look, you just told me that he knows that you want the bedroom painted. You don’t have to tell him anymore. The second suggestion I have is that the next time your husband does anything good, give him a verbal compliment. If he takes the garbage out, tell him, ‘I want you to know that I really appreciate your taking the garbage out.’ Don’t say, ‘About time you took the garbage out. The flies were about to carry it out for you.’ If you see him paying the bills, put your hand on his shoulder and say, ‘Bob, I really appreciate your paying the bills. I hear many husbands who don’t do that, and I want you to know I appreciate it.’ Every time he does anything good, give him a verbal compliment.”
“I don’t see how that’s going to get the bedroom painted.” I said, “You asked for my advice. You have it. It’s free.” She wasn’t very happy with me when she left. Three weeks later, however, she came back to my office and said, “It worked!” She had learned that verbal compliments are far greater motivators than nagging words.
This is not to say that you should try to manipulate with compliments. You intention is to love your spouse. When you actively give them what they need it will change their attitude toward you. Another way to affirm is to …
B. Express Encouragement.
The Bible tells us that encouraging words should be the native tongue of the follower of Jesus Christ. Ephesians 4:29 “Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear.” (NLT)
To encourage is to “build another up.” It literally means “to give courage.” Encouragement does not mean that you go up to your spouse and say, “Honey, you are fat and I’m going to help you. Here’s a diet plan and exercise routine. Now go to it.” No! Encouragement gives support where support is needed. If your spouse comes to you and says they’re going to lose 20 pounds. An encouraging response would be, “I know that you can do whatever you set your mind to. I’ll give you all the support and help you need.” With encouragement we can help other people reach their God-given potential.
Again, Gary Chapman writes: “Allison had always liked to write. After college and before the first baby, she wrote several articles. She sent an article to a magazine, but received a rejection slip, she never had the courage to submit another. Later, Allison was again writing.
Keith, Allison’s husband, had realized that life’s deepest meaning is not found in accomplishments but in relationships. He had learned to give more attention to Allison and her interests. So it was quite natural one night for him to pick up one of Allison’s articles and read it. When he finished, he went into the den and with great enthusiasm, he said, “I hate to you, but I just finished reading your article.’ Allison, you are an excellent writer. This stuff ought to be published! You have a fascinating style. You have to submit this stuff to some magazines.”
“Do you really think so?” Allison asked. “I know so,” Keith said. “I’m telling you, this is good.” When Keith left the room, Allison wondered if others would view her writing the same way he did. She remembered the rejection slip she had received years ago, but she reasoned that she was a different person now. Her writing was better. Allison had made a decision. She would submit her articles to some magazines. She would see if they could be published.
Keith’s encouraging words were spoken fourteen years ago. Allison has had numerous articles published since then and now has a book contract. She is an excellent writer, but it took the encouraging words from her husband to inspire her to get an article published.
It could be that your spouse or children or friend just needs that little bit of encouragement from you to accomplish great things.
C. Keep the Kindness Coming.
Are your words to your spouse kind? If you truly love them, they will be. I bet that many of you had the following verses recited at your wedding. Let’s look at them again and you determine if you’re living up to them or not. 1 Corinthians 13:4-5a, 5c “Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. … Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged.” (NLT)
When your spouse or anyone else confronts you with an issue or conflict, how do you respond? Yell, scream, scowl, curse, or pout? Or do you remain calm and speak with gentleness. Kindness conveys love. For many, the truth is, that they treat friends and coworkers with much more respect than their spouses or their own kids. This should not be. When Christ commanded us to love our neighbors he intended that we include our families too. After all your neighbor is the person nearest to you, whether it’s a child, a spouse or the person living next door.
Are you kind enough to forgive when they’ve hurt you? Here’s a description of forgiveness you may never have considered. Forgiveness is not a feeling; it is a choice and a commitment. Forgiveness is an expression of love. As believers in Christ we are to be people of forgiveness. Yet, I never cease to be amazed and grieved at the number of folks who call themselves Christians who actively hold grudges and resentments. Love your spouse by letting forgiveness flow in that relationship. The final area deals more with respect than anything else.
D. Request Rather than Require. 1 Corinthians 13:5b tells us “Love does not demand its own way.” (NLT) So how is it with you? Do you make demands of your spouse rather than requests? If so, you are not loving them. You’re not treating them as an equal, but as someone who is subservient to you. Love gives a choice. Love views the other as an equal partner in the relationship. Watch you language and make sure to request rather and require.
Let me share with you some Helpful Hints for the Verbally Challenged:
1.) Keep a notebook of affirming words. 2.) Write down good things you read and hear and then use them. 3.) Affirm them behind their backs. 4.) Affirm them in front of others. 5.) Make a list of what you admire and then share your list with them.
Words can heal or words can kill. The choice is yours. My prayer is that you’ll choose to love, because when you do you’ll also experience fulfillment in life.