Rooted in My Relationships

NOTE:

This is a manuscript, and not a transcript of this message. The actual presentation of the message differed from the manuscript through the leading of the Holy Spirit. Therefore, it is possible, and even likely that there is material in this manuscript that was not included in the live presentation and that there was additional material in the live presentation that is not included in this manuscript.

Engagement

From the beginning of creation, God has always called His people to live in a manner that is distinct and which is often counter to the prevailing culture. And that is still true today. But in many ways that it becoming more and more difficult to do as our culture shifts further and further away from biblical principles.

But at the same time, when we do live life in a way that is different and distinct from the world around us, it often becomes one of the most effective ways to bring others near to the kingdom of God. I think that is because deep down inside many people instinctively know that there is a better, more fulfilling way to live their lives.

Tension

This morning, there are likely going to be many of you who are going to be offended in some way by the message. That is because the truths that we’ll see from God’s Word today run so contrary to the prevailing attitudes in our world. But guess what, when Paul wrote these words almost 2,000 years ago they also offended a lot of people because they also ran counter to the culture of his day.

So I want to ask you for a favor this morning. Before you tune any of this out because you don’t like it or it offends you in some way, will you listen to the entire message before you draw any conclusions? If you’ll promise to do that, I am confident that God’s Holy Spirit will develop His truth in your soul and spirit in a way that will allow you to not just tolerate, but to embrace these truths.

Truth

As we said last week, the last part of Paul’s letter to the church at Colossae is very practical. Last week, we saw that Paul wrote about how we are to dress in a way that is consistent with who we are in Jesus by taking off our old way of life and putting on a new way of life. In today’s passage, Paul drills down and becomes even more practical by describing how our faith in Jesus ought to impact our closest relationships.

So go ahead and turn in your Bibles to Colossians chapter 3 and follow along as I begin reading in verse 18

Colossians 3:18–4:1 ESV

18 Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. 19 Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. 20 Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. 21 Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. 22 Bondservants, obey in everything those who are your earthly masters, not by way of eye-service, as people-pleasers, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord. 23 Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, 24 knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ. 25 For the wrongdoer will be paid back for the wrong he has done, and there is no partiality. 1 Masters, treat your bondservants justly and fairly, knowing that you also have a Master in heaven.

Before we go any further, I think it is really important to make sure we understand the culture in which Paul wrote these words. If we fail to do that it is likely that we will apply these principles in an inappropriate manner. At the same time, the principles we will be looking at today are timeless and are not rendered moot just because our culture is so much different than Paul’s.

All three relationships that Paul addresses here - husbands and wives, parents and children and slaves and masters - were part of the typical household. In particular, it is important to note that the master/slave relationship was completely different than what we are familiar with here in this country. It had nothing to do with race or ethnicity.

While there were certainly some cases of slaves being mistreated and abused, in most cases slaves were more like household servants and they actually lived with their masters. They were often more educated that their masters and carried out duties that required a great deal of skill and education. It is estimated that at the time Paul wrote this letter one half of the people in the Roman Empire were slaves. And we see both here in Colossians and in Paul’s other letters that in the church, they were considered equals with their masters and presumably worshiped alongside of them. So the master-slave relationship in the first century is actually much closer to the employer-employee relationship in our day than it is to the kind of slavery most of us think about.

It’s also important to note that in that culture, men ruled the roost. Their wives, children and slaves were considered to be nothing more that property from a legal perspective. So the fact that Paul even addresses those groups here was revolutionary in that culture.

In this passage Paul is giving some instructions on how to treat those with whom we are in the closest relationships. And here is the main idea we find in this passage:

To be rooted in Christ, I must put Jesus at the center of my closest relationships

It would be really easy to go into great detail about each of the eight commands that we find in this passage and into the specific responsibilities and roles of each of the six groups of people that Paul addresses here. But that would like take at least three, and possibly six, sermons to do justice to that approach. So just like we did last week, I want to look at the overall principles we find here and then use the specific relationships that Paul addresses to help us understand those principles better.

That means that even if you’re not married, or you don’t have kids, or you don’t have a job, you’re going to learn something this morning that will help you in your closest relationships, whatever those might be.

Application

HOW TO PUT JESUS AT THE CENTER OF MY RELATIONSHIPS

Earlier, during the “In the Bag” message, I used an illustration with the kids to show why it is so important to make Jesus that crucial third strand in our relationships. I want to use our remaining time to talk more about the how and look at four very practical ways we can do that.

Consider the other person as an equal who is worthy of dignity

Although it should be obvious, I think it is still necessary to point out that the commands that Paul gives here are not intended to in any way jusdtify any kind of abusive relationships. And unfortunately, there have been times throughout history where the church has rightfully gotten a bod reputation when these verses have been used in that way.

On the other hand, there is a tendency in our culture to consider these commands to be “outdated” because they promote the idea that some groups or classes of people are inferior to others. In particular, many would argue that these principles demean the worth of women. But nothing could be further from the truth. In another of his letters, Paul confirms the idea we saw last week - that in the body of Christ all are equal:

Galatians 3:28 ESV

28 There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.

Within the body of Christ, we are all equal in Jesus’ eyes. No one is superior or inferior to another. That does not mean, however, that different groups don’t have different responsibilities and roles within the church and within their relationships.

This is best illustrated by Jesus Himself. He has equal dignity and worth as God the Father and God the Holy Spirit. Yet Jesus, recognizing His role as the Son, voluntarily and willingly submitted Himself to the Father when He came to earth and died on a cross to pay the penalty for our sins. That certainly does not mean that Jesus is in any way inferior to either of the other two persons of the Godhead.

The fact that Paul begins here by addressing wives is an indication that he sees them as equals and worthy of dignity. The command for the wives to submit to their husbands clearly does not mean that women are to submit to men in general. It is only within the marriage relationship that she is to submit to her husband.

In order to understand this idea of equal worth and dignity, it is crucial that we understand what the word “submit” means - and what it does not mean. It is noteworthy that Paul does not use the verb “obey”, which he does use later in the passage to describe the responsibility of children toward their parents. So submission is certainly not just blind obedience. It is instead voluntary trust. The wife is to put herself in submission to her husband. She is not put there by him.

This idea of equality and dignity is also seen in the command for husbands to love their wives and not be harsh with them. In Paul’s day it was common to find instructions about how a woman was to treat her husband, but it was unheard of to give any guidance to men about how they were to treat their wives. In the corresponding section of Ephesians, we get more insight into what Paul meant when he commanded husbands to love their wives:

Ephesians 5:25 ESV

25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,

Most of you probably know that the word Paul uses for love in both Colossians and Ephesians is the Greek word “agape”. That is the kind of love that is more than just a feeling. It is love in action. It is love that chooses to put the needs of someone else ahead of my own. It is the kind of love that was perfectly illustrated by Jesus on the cross when He gave His life for our benefit. That is the kind of sacrificial love that we owe to our wives and it is that kind of love that demonstrates that we consider them to be our equals and worthy of dignity.

We don’t have time to go into the same amount of detail, but this idea of equality and dignity is also seen when parents are commanded not to provoke their children and when masters are commanded to treat their slaves justly and fairly.

Protect the most vulnerable in our relationships

We live in a world where the strong and powerful often try to take advantage of the weak and vulnerable. And the church hasn’t always been immune to that. But in all three of the relationships we see in this section, Paul’s commands put in place some protections for the most vulnerable.

This idea was completely foreign to the culture of Paul’s day. There were no protections in place in that society for women, children and slaves. So Paul’s instructions here would have been revolutionary in that society. However, when we consider once again the example of Jesus, we shouldn’t be surprised that Paul focuses on that idea both here and in the corresponding section of his letter to the church in Ephesus.

Throughout His earthly ministry, Jesus consistently looked out for the down and out in that culture. He prevented the crowd from stoning a woman caught in adultery. He warned against doing anything what would prevent the children from coming to Him. He warned against using one’s position to take advantage of another.

An important part of a husband loving his wife is to provide protections in those areas where his wife might be most vulnerable - physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Peter expands on this idea:

1 Peter 3:7 ESV

7 Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

Again, Peter is not in any way arguing that women are inferior to men. But, in general they are certainly weaker that men physically and they tend to be more subject to being hurt emotionally and spiritually. For instance, some studies indicate that up to 70% of the people who end up in cults are women. So that means that husbands are to be students of their wives. They are to understand where their wives are most vulnerable and then take practical steps to protect them in those areas.

But even if you aren’t married or don’t have kids or your not in a job situation as either an employee or a boss, you can still apply this principle in your closest relationships. Perhaps you are in a relationship where you have the upper hand in some way - financially, physically, emotionally or spiritually. Instead of using that advantage for our own profit, we are to take whatever steps we can to protect the vulnerable person the very best we can.

Do my part, even if the other person doesn’t

None of the commands in this section are conditional.

Paul doesn’t say, “Wives, if your husbands love you, then go ahead and submit”.

He doesn't say to husbands, “If your wife submits to you, then go ahead and love her sacrificially”.

He doesn’t say to children, “As long as your parents don’t provoke you, then you need to obey”. Instead, he commands them to obey their parents “in everything”

He doesn’t say to parents, “As long as your kids obey, don’t provoke them”. You aren’t to provoke them regardless of whether or not they obey.

If you’re an employee, you are obligated to obey your boss and work diligently and sincerely even if your boss doesn’t treat you right.

And if your the boss, you are to treat your employees justly and fairly even if they aren’t good employees.

Far too often, we think that the way to fix a broken relationship is to try and fix or change the other person. But we see here that even though we can’t change the other person, we can choose to faithfully apply these principles in our own lives and allow God change us and trust Him to change the other person if that is needed.

Treat others in a way that brings glory to God

Almost every single command we find in this section is accompanied by some kind of reference to Jesus. This is an important reminder that our relationships with others must flow out of our relationship with Jesus. Like we said last week, if we get Jesus right, then we will likely get everything else, including our relationships, right, too.

Our relationships are important to God. In fact, John makes it really clear that if we claim to love God but don’t love other people, we are liars:

1 John 4:20 ESV

20 If anyone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen.

In fact, I would go so far as to say this: The way we relate to those who are closest to us is either an act of worship that brings glory to God or it is an act of rebellion that robs Him of His glory.

Actions

We’eve seen this morning that...

To be rooted in Christ, I must put Jesus at the center of my closest relationships

I want to close this morning by making this as practical as I can so let me make some suggestions on how you can get started with applying these principles in your life.

HOW TO GET STARTED

Honestly evaluate my part in my relationships

When Mary and I first got married, whenever we had some kind of conflict my goal was usually to win the argument or to be right. So the best way to do that was to find fault with her or to point out something that she had done wrong. And my guess is that you’ve done something very similar in your life because that is our natural tendency.

But Jesus makes it possible for me to do something different and begin by making an honest evaluation of my part in the relationship. I ask God to show me where I have failed treat the other person as an equal and with dignity. I ask Him to show me where I haven’t protected the other person in areas where he or she might be vulnerable. I ask Him to show me where I’ve used the other person’s actions to excuse my failure to do what I need to do. I ask Him to show me where I’ve robbed Him of His glory because of the way I’ve treated the other person.

I guarantee that if you’ll do that, even if the other person is 95% at fault in your mind, God is going to reveal some areas in your life where you need to take some action to help restore that relationship. And that will probably include one or both of the next two actions I’m going to suggest.

When needed, seek forgiveness

I have never witnessed a conflict in which one person was 100% responsible. That means that there is a very high likelihood that you’ve done something to hurt the other person for which you need to seek forgiveness - both from them and from God. So go ahead and do that without delay. The longer you wait, the deeper the hurt will become and the more difficult it will to heal that relationship.

When needed, forgive someone who has wronged me

You need to do this whether the other person asks for your forgiveness or not. The only person you are going to hurt if you hold on to your bitterness and anger is you. Jesus commanded us to forgive others not because they deserve it but because He forgave us when we didn’t deserve it and we are to follow His example.

Those three steps are just a start, but they are a good start.

Inspiration

Our closest relationships are both one of the best barometers of our relationship with Jesus as well as one of the best ways to grow in our relationship with Him. It is in those relationships that we learn to put off the old and put on the new. It is in those relationships that we have the opportunity to exhibit the fruit of the Spirit. And it is in those relationships that we have the opportunity to demonstrate that there is a way to live that is counter to our culture - a way that brings lasting joy and peace and which holds great rewards both in this life and in the one to come. Sounds to me like that is good place to invest our time and effort, don’t you?