Lesson 13--Ephesians 6:1-4--As the Twig is Bent

Introduction

Today, we come to a subject that, as someone says, there is never a good time to address.

As a preacher, I have faced the struggle.

When you are young, and you talk about parenting, people say, "what does he know? He doesn't have kids. Just wait."

Then, when he has kids, people comment, "They are too young. Wait until they are teenagers."

When his children grow into their teen years, the same critics say, "just look at how his kids turned out. What does he know?"

Once his kids leave home, the complaint is, "What does he know? He has forgotten how to raise children."

I think it was an even more difficult stretch for Paul. After all, we never read much of his family life. We don't know if he had children or not. The complaint could be, "what does he know? He never had kids?"

And yet, he describes parenting for a specific reason. He has spoken about the mystery and grandeur of God's plan in the church. He knows that the church's future will depend on the handoff to new generations. But if it doesn't last beyond mid-century Ephesus, it will be nothing but a failed experiment.

Perhaps you are young and have no children. However, many are "empty-nesters" having raised children who now have their own children. Why should we care about this lesson?

It would be easy to say, "this does not apply to me."

But the truth is we are all raising more than children. We are preparing our future. Every child born in a Christian family is the seed of our future. We will leave the church to those we have trained…or untrained. What kind of church do we want in the future. That depends on the principles found in today's lesson.

The critical factor is for Christians to raise their children in a way that propagates faith with tools to arm successive generations.

Remember that we started this section with what a Spirit-influenced like includes. The big idea of the section is you best see your relationship to Christ through your relationships in life. Last week, we saw it in the relationship between husbands and wives and the mutual submission we owe each other.

This lesson is about another keystone relationship in life, that between a parent and child. It is crucial to the purpose of Christ.

In it, we find the truth given by Alexander Pope: as the twig is bent, so grows the tree.

Shaping lives is a critical spiritual duty of parents and should not be neglected. How do parents and children relate in a healthy Christian manner?

Let's start with children since this is where Paul begins.

Discussion

Children

Our lesson opens with the command of children's habitual response to their parents.

"Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right." (Ephesians 6:1, ESV)

It is best to ask, "who are the children in this passage?" Are they all children, including the forty-year-old grown child? While the biological link is there, it doesn't fit the context.

A child is someone who is being raised actively by a parent. He can be disciplined, nourished, and taught. There comes a time when a child is no longer under the "control" of his parents. When he ventures into the world, makes his own living, decides his own lifestyle, the role of a parent changes. No longer is that boy or girl a child to be raised but an adult to influence.

It is a crucial difference. When Paul speaks in this passage, he doesn't discuss specific parenting strategies but spiritual principles of raising children. Once the raising is done, that is all you can do.

What is the responsibility of a child? It is to "obey" his parents. Paul employs language that means "listen to" or "heed." This is the wisdom of a parent who can see life so much clearer.

One of my favorite stories is from Mark Twain. He said that when he was 13, he thought his father dumb as a block of wood. When he turned 21, he was amazed at how much his father had learned in 8 years!

That is the wisdom unknown to children that a parent has. A child has never been a parent, but a parent has been a child. He has a better outlook.

Paul emphasizes that obedience is in the Lord. As noted in last week's lesson, the relationships Paul describes are more than human. They are a reflection of the divine order.

Why should children listen to their parents?

Paul says it is "right." We usually encounter this term as "righteous," which indicates living to God's standard. Paul says that the obedience of children pleases God. It is a child's righteousness.

To emphasize this, Paul continues in verse 2:

"Honor your father and mother" (this is the first commandment with a promise), "that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land."" (Ephesians 6:2–3, ESV)

Paul resurrects a passage out of Deuteronomy, which describes instructions given to a younger generation as they enter Canaan.

"'Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God commanded you, that your days may be long, and that it may go well with you in the land that the LORD your God is giving you." (Deuteronomy 5:16, ESV)

The original instruction was specific to the living in Canaan. The commandment, which comes as the fulcrum of the Ten Commandments, provides the reward to caring what parents say and do.

Here, Paul uses it to promote the positive virtue of obedience. It is about honor or valuing parents. Tragically, many growing up today dismiss parents as old-fashioned and irrelevant to their lives. They have friends to tell them how to live, and that never works out.

So what does Paul mean? He says this is "the first commandment with a promise." We know from the Ten Commandments it is not the "first" in order.

The meaning is probably that this is a priority commandment that makes a promise. Before the commandment was respect for God. That must be taught by parents. After it comes ethical commandments about killing, stealing, and adultery. Without respect for parents, a child does not learn to behave.

What does obedience give? It does provide for long, well-lived life. It may not be Canaan, but parents' instructions can steer us away from risky behaviors that put life and liberty at risk. A parent who denies a teen smoking prevents the wheezing and hacking of cancer later in life. A teen ignores a parent at their own peril. When a parent says, "slow down" in learning to drive, they can literally save a child's life in a car accident.

Two things come into play in this verse.

The first is that respect for authority begins with the parent. Suppose you do not respect the authority of a parent. In that case, you cannot respect the authority of teachers, government, or even God.

Jesus states the principle of the lesser and greater.

"His master said to him, 'Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.'" (Matthew 25:21, ESV)

You prove yourself in a small arena to operate on the larger stage. A child who doesn't learn to respect authority from his parents may be forced to learn it by a judge and jailor.

The second is that a child will find the rail of his faith in the basic sense of obedience to a father. He will one day transfer the lesson of "listen to parents" into "listen to God." This is the ultimate training ground of a lifelong faith.

But how do children learn to obey? That comes from how they are raised by their parents.

Parents

Paul continues with parents for a child does not obey without a parent helping him obey.

"Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." (Ephesians 6:4, ESV)

In this one verse, so much is packed into the small phrases. It is a single verse that captures effective parenting.

In the ancient world which encompassed Ephesus, the authority of parenting was invested in the father. He was responsible and was in absolute control.

But the world children lived in during the first century was far different. A child was constantly at risk of an angry father. He could beat a child even to death. Children were considered dispensable.

One insight into the childrearing of Paul's day is found in a letter from a man named Hilarion to his wife Alis. It is not easy for a modern to hear. Here is the attitude toward children:

Know that we are still even now in Alexandria. Do not worry if when all others return I remain in Alexandria. I beg and beseech of you to take care of the little child, and, as soon as we receive wages, I will send them to you. If—good luck to you!—you have a child, if it is a boy, let it live; if it is a girl, throw it out.

This casual disregard for children was the staple of the times. Again, Christianity changed the world dramatically. Far from being oppressive, it breathed a breath of fresh air and hope into parents, for it gave them direction and options. It told them how to train children, not just control them.

This is because of the fundamental premise that God is a father to his children. Paul had written twice to the Ephesians to express that:

"For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named," (Ephesians 3:14–15, ESV) "one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all." (Ephesians 4:6, ESV)

When we develop the concept of God as the father, we will take our emotional cues from our physical fathers. In the ancient world, this was fathers, but these are instructions for parents, both mother and father, in our modern world.

However, while it is easy to sweep away fathers, stop for a moment. How important are fathers?

In America, in 2022, over 4 million children will live without a father in the home at all. Some are imprisoned. Many have abandoned families or estranged through a divorce. And it is not difficult to view the current situation of societal decay as part of ignoring what is written here.

Fathers and mothers have a vital role to play in the development of healthy adults and healthy Christian adults. It is the significant error of our days to believe a child ought to choose his own way, for it is leading them to disastrous lives.

In parenting, it is essential to see a single idea that anchors this verse.

If you want to lead your children, you must lead yourself first.

Nothing that Paul says will work with the "do as I say and not as I do" approach to life. The only way to help children develop well is to have a parent who shows them the image. The character and Christianity of the parent is the spring from which all effective child-raising grows.

You can see this in particular situations. As I was growing,, a man who had three daughter attended the same small church we attended. After I had two daughters, I could appreciate more what he did.

Every Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night, he would attend class and services with these three girls in tow. In the eight years, we lived there, I never saw his wife. She was antagonistic to the church. If he wanted to take them, he had to be responsible for getting them up, dressed, fed, and to church. He was much more faithful than many with Christian wives. His model was his most potent power in the lives of his children.

I remember hearing Harold Hazelip speaking about the subject of raising children. He said when his boys were small, he had control over them and could make them do as he wanted. But they got to the teen years when they were taller than him. It was then that he could no longer control. Now, he had to use his influence.

The most significant authority is a godly life.

It is true in the lives of our children as well.

So what principles does Paul give to parents to raise their children well and in faith?

Behind this passage is the principle of care.

First comes how a father treats his children. Paul describes treating a child in a way that he develops deep-seated anger at life and parents. Paul warns, "do not provoke them to anger."

A parent can "provoke to anger" in two ways.

The first is to ignore a child. Many parents let their children do as they please. All children want and need guidance. A child who has no guidance will misbehave because he has no direction. But he also will resent that no one cares. He needs to know that someone cares enough about him to say no when appropriate.

Misbehavior is often a silent call to a parent to "show me you care enough to correct." A child doesn't need a pal but a parent.

But the second is the opposite extreme of becoming an overbearing parent, who demands perfection from a child. Those parents control every facet of their child's life and "make them" do as the parent wants them to. Nothing is ever good enough.

I have watched men who have demeaned their children. I know parents who tell kids, "you will never amount to anything." This constant beatdown is worse than a beating because it will break them.

Edna Ferber wrote a novel called Giant. The book details the life of a Texan named Jordan Benedict, a cattle rancher who runs cattle for a living. But his three-year-old son Jordy is afraid of horses. And yet, his father forces him into the cowboy clothes and pushes him onto a horse. Jordy cries, begging to be taken down.

His father is furious. "I rode before I could walk." His wife tries to reason with her husband and say, "that was you, but he is different. He doesn't like horses."

Jordan erupts. "He's a Benedict, and I'm going to make a horseman out of him if I have to tie him to do it.

His wife pleaded, 'You've been playing God so long you think you run the world.'

'I run the part of it that's mine,' growled Jordan.

But his wife stood her ground. 'He's not yours. He's yours and mine. And not even ours. He's himself ….'

Many are resentful adults cannot stand their parents due to the deep-seated that governs their lives.

I remember in my family that when my grandmother died, my aunt did not want to attend her own mother's funeral. I did not understand until my mother explained it. When they were young, my grandfather's mother passed away. At the cemetery, he forced his daughters to touch the casket and throw dirt on it to cover it up. She remembers being made to do this, which gave her an aversion to going to funerals. She did come in after the service started and left when it was over. My grandfather compelled her to do something she did not need to do.

Parents are to shape the path for a child, keep them on the course, and recognize what is essential and what isn't.

Paul describes how to avoid creating this deep-seated anger in children.

The foundation of care is captured in the term "bring up."

We have seen this word before in Ephesians but in a different context:

"For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church," (Ephesians 5:29, ESV)

You may not recognize it because, in Ephesians 5, it is rendered "nourishes." We "nourish" ourselves by providing what we need to survive and thrive.

The word indicated the feeding given to a child in need. Often, ancient families would hire wet nurses to nurse newborns, which was the term used to describe that feeding.

However, the term simply implies giving someone what they need for their healthy development. A child needs things to develop well. In the verse, Paula details what it means to raise a child with what they need.

Every Child Needs Discipline

Paul goes on:

"Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." (Ephesians 6:4, ESV)

The first is "discipline."

For many, discipline is a dirty word. It reminds of a belt on their backside as a child. It is always equated with punishment.

Yet, in the ancient world, it was the correction of someone to achieve what was best.

The term describes God. The Hebrew writer says:

"And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons? "My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him." (Hebrews 12:5, ESV)

"For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it." (Hebrews 12:11, ESV)

The purpose of discipline is twofold. One is to stop harmful and destructive behavior. A child who runs into the street is scolded and punished to teach him that it is dangerous.

But the second is to help a child grow into an adult who can correct himself. The purpose of all discipline is self-discipline. A grown child is what he became when his parents disciplined…or refused to…discipline him.

We see that reflected in the horrible images of barbarism. We are only pulling back the curtain on what was done in a home.

Effective discipline has three marks:

It is age-appropriate. You never punish a three-year-old as you would a teenager, or vice-versa. It is circumstance appropriate. How severe was the infraction? It needs to be measured that way. Finally, it corrects the behavior, not just punishes it.

We believe that all punishment must be physical. While it is appropriate at times, other forms may be more effective.

I remember once I did something I should not have done. To this day, I will not tell you what it is because of how painful it was. I do remember what my dad did.

In a low voice, he said, "I was embarrassed by what you did." OUCH!

A beating would not have been as painful.

Every Child Needs Direction

Paul is not a stern disciplinarian but a coach. Correct bad behavior but teach good behavior.

"Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." (Ephesians 6:4, ESV)

The second term, instruction, is verbal. It describes telling a child why what they did was wrong and what was the right thing to do in that situation.

A child often finds himself bewildered with, "what did I do that was so wrong?" If a parent does not help him know, he cannot go in the right direction.

Don't forget two words: why and what. Why was what you did wrong? What do you do that is right in its place? Then a child knows what to do and what to avoid.

When we discipline, we stop what is not acceptable, but we show what is when we teach.

It takes both to help children know how to make godly decisions.

The Goal

If you don't know what you want, you never know what to do. That's true about parents as well. What is the goal of discipline and instruction of a child?

It is not to control a child to make them do what we want. The truth is we can do that for a while but not forever.

We have a simple, central goal. To help our children do what God wants on their own. We are training, not merely correcting. We are growing, not merely weeding.

Parents will bend the will into the shape that God wants it.

Conclusion

Why teach about children amid such a vaulted discussion about the mystery of the church?

In Ephesus, the members were first-generation Christians. Many had children but did not have Christian parents. Many were pagans when they came to Christ.

Paul knew that if there was going to be a second, third, and fourth-generation church, it started in the home with parents teaching their children about God and how to respond to him.

The same is true today. The church of tomorrow depends on the parents of today.

But this lesson highlights three great truths.

First, families make a difference to God. He designed us to be born into a family that would shape us. God feels strongly about families raising children. Abraham, Moses, and Elijah all had mothers who raised them. Jesus himself was placed into the arms of Mary and raised by Joseph.

Second, families make a difference to the Christian message. We are the "children of God." How we respond to parents tells much about how we will respond to God.

Third, families and children make a difference to the Christian future. We are here today because someone taught and raised us. What will be here tomorrow is what we teach and raise today.

I want to leave you today with one key to this lesson. Effective parents train effective children to be effective Christians to build effective churches.

That's how important this is.