Making the Difficult Changes

God loves you the way you are, but He loves you way too much to let you stay that way, and so His goal is to make you like Christ. How does He do that? Does he just zap you and all of a sudden you think, feel and act like Jesus? No… unfortunately. That would be too easy.

2 Corinthians 3:18 NLT

18 So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord—who is the Spirit—makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image.

Notice that it’s a process. It doesn’t happen all at once. Our growth to become more like Jesus is a slow process. The message says it like this…

2 Corinthians 3:18 The Message

18 All of us! Nothing between us and God, our faces shining with the brightness of his face. And so we are transfigured much like the Messiah, our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like him.

A classic chapter in the bible on growth is Ephesians 4 and it gives us 6 elements that the Holy Spirit uses to help us to grow. These are 6 characteristics of change.

Before we look at these elements of change, let me ask

Why is it so difficult to change?

1. Because I’ve had them for a while

You didn’t become as messed up as you are over night… it took a while to collect all the bad habits and hangups that you are struggling with today.

Many of the patterns of behavior we have as adults began in childhood. Those patterns may have helped you cope with things emotionally for a while… sometimes they are actually survival tactics. But as an adult, they become self defeating. As damaging as they are, you have become used to them and they actually feel like they are part of who you are.

2. Because I identify with them

We often confuse our identity with our weaknesses. We will say stuff like… I am a workaholic… I’m passive aggressive… I get nervous when I get on a plane… I’m an over eater… I’m shy… when you say things like that, guess what happens? Those things do…

Then in the back of your mind, you wonder if you change, will you still be you?

3. Because every defect has a payoff

You may not realize it, but every defect or every bad habit has some type of payoff. Every behavior has some type of payoff… if it didn’t, you wouldn’t do it. If sin were not fun, no one would sin. Write this down...

Whatever is being repeated is being rewarded

Whatever behavior whether it’s self defeating or not has a reward to you from it… somewhere. If there is no reward, you would not keep doing what you are doing, so there is a pay off… even through it’s temporary and causes more long term pain.

Say it’s time for your children to come eat. They don’t come, so you yell at them to get them to the table. What happens. The kids come to the table. So you as a parent learn that yelling works and the kids learn that yelling works. so guess what… the family yells all the time.

Sometimes it’s the negative self defeating behavior that’s masking the pain. We hold on to it because it gives us an excuse to fail. We actually set ourself up for failure because it compensates for our shame. You actually feel better because you think you deserve to fail. Sometimes we use our defective traits to manipulate people. Sometimes it helps us get more attention.

There are lots of different motivations for negative and self-defeating behavior in our lives that cause us to keep doing it even though we know it's self-defeating. It could be our identity. It can be something that we think that I can't do without.

4. Because Satan doesn’t want me to change

Satan doesn’t want you to follow the Lord. He doesn’t want you to improve your character and become more and more like Jesus. He wants you to fail.... to just float along. Satan is constantly fighting you as you try to grow.

He will tell you things like… You will never change… You might as well not even try… you have been this way all your life and you can’t change… No matter what you try, you will not change… it wont’ work.

Those statements are coming from the one who hates you and wants to destroy your life.

Satan will also use fear. he will get you to believe that you are best to stay in the rut you are in because it’s secure… comfortable and safe. He will make you believe that if you rock the boat, people will leave your life.

These are some of the reasons that we don’t change. I just touched on them because I want to get into how we can make the changes God wants us to make.

What does it take for real change to happen?

6 Characteristics of Change

1. Real change begins with new thinking

If you want to change your behavior, you don’t focus on your actions, you focus on your thoughts. You focus on your thinking ebcause you have to change your thinking.

When you change your thinking, it will change your feelings and that will change your actions.

The battle is won or lost in your mind.

Ephesians 4:23 NLT

23 Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes.

The Holy Spirit will do a spiritual renewing of your mind… of your thoughts and actions. This is why it’s vital to spend daily time with the Lord in worship, prayer, Bible reading and study.

Look at the CEV

Ephesians 4:23 CEV

23 Let the Spirit change your way of thinking

This is not something that God is asking you to do on your own. You need the Holy Spirit in your life to make these changes for you. What we call the fruit of the spirit comes from the Holy Spirit working in your life.

Galatians 5:22–23 NLT

22 But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!

These are the fruit of the spirit, but it’s not something we can do on our own. You cannot transform yourself to be like Jesus in your own power. To really change you have to stop thinking like the rest of the world.

Ephesians 4:17–19 NLT

17 With the Lord’s authority I say this: Live no longer as the Gentiles do, for they are hopelessly confused. 18 Their minds are full of darkness; they wander far from the life God gives because they have closed their minds and hardened their hearts against him. 19 They have no sense of shame. They live for lustful pleasure and eagerly practice every kind of impurity.

That’s the way the world wants you and I to think and act and it’s opposite of who the world wants you to think and act. God wants us to be different in the way we treat each other, handle money, work, morality…

Another verse that talks about this…

Romans 12:2 NLT

2 Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.

If you want to be transformed, you cannot be conformed. If you want to be transformed by God into a new person, then you cannot be conformed to the way our culture wants you to be. And we cannot do this on our own.

Paul said,

Ephesians 4:23 CEV

23 Let the Spirit change your way of thinking

Do you get the point? we have to allow God to change us… to change the way we think. How, that’s the next point.

2. Real change requires learning the truth

John 17:17 NLT

17 Make them holy by your truth; teach them your word, which is truth.

Jesus asked his father to teach us the truth which is His word… the bible. The secret to personal change is not will power, it’s not pill power, it’s not resolutions. The secret to personal change in the difficult areas of my life is knowing and applying the truth which is the Word of God. The Bible is the Word of God.

Here is the goal… if we spend time with the Lord in his word… in prayer and in worship...

Ephesians 4:14–15 NLT

14 Then we will no longer be immature like children. We won’t be tossed and blown about by every wind of new teaching. We will not be influenced when people try to trick us with lies so clever they sound like the truth. 15 Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church.

Why is it so necessary to know the truth.

We just said that every behavior is rewarded in some way. Those behaviors are based on a lie. Behind every self defeating behavior I fight in my life, there is a lie that I am believing. I am basing my actions on something that’s just not true.

Paul said,

Ephesians 4:21 NLT

21 Since you have heard about Jesus and have learned the truth that comes from him,

The more we get to know Jesus, the more truth we will have in our life. The fact that Jesus was murdered and then rose from the dead proves beyond any doubt that he can be trusted.

If you trust in God’s word it will help you in at least 4 ways.

2 Timothy 3:16–17 NLT

16 All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right. 17 God uses it to prepare and equip his people to do every good work.

The Bible shows us the path to take

The Bible shows us how we got off of the path

The Bible shows us how to get back onto the path

The Bible shows us how to stay on the path

To make change, we have to change the way we think and that involves allowing the Holy Spirit to help us. He helps us get into the Word and know the truth. If your life isn’t changing, you are not spending enough time in the Word with the Lord.

3. Real change requires cleaning house

If you want physical health, there is some junk food you need to throw out. If you want a healthy mind, there may be some changes in what you watch and read. If you need a healthy schedule, you need to learn what to get rid of… how to prioritize…

What is you want a clean heart? You need to do some spring cleaning. Maybe you need to spend some time confessing to the Lord. You can ask God what you need to confess… and he will tell you.

Augustine once said,

Confession of bad works is the beginning of good works.

So step three is house cleaning. Here is what Paul said,

Ephesians 4:22 GNB

22 So get rid of your old self, which made you live as you used to—the old self that was being destroyed by its deceitful desires.

Another verse that says this is

Hebrews 12:1 GW

1 Since we are surrounded by so many examples ⌊of faith⌋, we must get rid of everything that slows us down, especially sin that distracts us. We must run the race that lies ahead of us and never give up.

When you clean house, you throw stuff out. I don’t know what that means to you, but think about these verses. Now step 4

4. Real change requires honest community

You need people in your life to help because we cannot make lasting change on our own. A small group where you can be open and honest and they will still love you and support you will help you greatly because in those you will develop the kind of relationship with some that you can just be gut level honest.

That doesn’t happen at first in a group. It takes time. You develop relationships and trust.

This is what Paul said about this…

Ephesians 4:25 The Message

25 What this adds up to, then, is this: no more lies, no more pretense. Tell your neighbor the truth. In Christ’s body we’re all connected to each other, after all. When you lie to others, you end up lying to yourself.

We waste a lot of time and energy pretending … pretending to be someone we are not. If you are serious about change in your life, even if the issues seems too difficult, godly friends will help but we have to be honest.

To grow, you need to face your fear of being honest with people because that’s the only way we will change… it’s the only way we will be free. We all need other people to help us and who need our help.

A small group should be a place where you develop relationships where you can be real… where you can practice this

Ephesians 4:32 NLT

32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

That’s what happens or ought to happen in a small group. When you make a mistake the world points it out and makes it known. But here at River Church, or in one of our groups, we say, it’s not a big deal… we are here with you and we will help you with this and through it. That’s the kind of relationships we seek here at River Church.

Here is another guideline for a small group

Ephesians 4:29 NLT

29 Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.

Our words should always encourage and help. There would be a lot less problems in our world if everyone would just follow this verse… so we make sure we follow that verse...

We will begin groups here on Wednesdays the first Wednesday in April. All it takes to do a small group is to ask a couple of your friends to join you and you have a group. We can help you with material. The truly godly groups would discuss the Sunday messages.... just saying.

Small Group Rules

1. What’s said in the group stays in the group

2. Don’t minimize other people’s pain

3. Don’t try to fix people. Just listen

4. Focus on your own changes

5. Faster change requires coaching

This means that you have developed a relationship with someone who will help you be accountable, to learn and move towards the Lord. You don’t need 5 coaches, just one. Top singers have voice coaches… top athletes have a personal trainer, top CEO’s have mentors, and we need someone who helps us see our blind spots and helps us through them.

Biblical mentor examples.

Joshua was mentored by Moses

Elisha was mentored by Elijah

Solomon was mentored by David

David was mentored by Samuel

Disciples were mentored by Jesus

John mentored Polycarp who mentored Irenaeus - 3 generations

Paul mentored Timothy and a bunch of others.

2 Timothy 2:2 NLT

2 You have heard me teach things that have been confirmed by many reliable witnesses. Now teach these truths to other trustworthy people who will be able to pass them on to others.

Paul says he mentored Timothy who mentored faithful people who will mentor others… 4 generations impacted.

You are benefiting from people who have coached me from when I was first saved to now.

Paul list 5 different kinds of mentors or coaches in this passage.

Ephesians 4:11–13 CEV

11 Christ chose some of us to be apostles, prophets, missionaries, pastors, and teachers, 12 so that his people would learn to serve and his body would grow strong. 13 This will continue until we are united by our faith and by our understanding of the Son of God. Then we will be mature, just as Christ is, and we will be completely like him.

Apostles, Prophets, missionaries, pastors and teachers … why, so that the people would learn to serve the Lord and that the church would be strong.

If you want to learn, to grow and to be strong, you need a small group, but you also need a mentor / coach. You need to develop a relationship with someone here who is on board with the church and the ministry direction we have, and someone whom you develop a relationship with that you can trust.... someone who will help you be accountable.

6. Real change requires faith

You have to believe that Jesus can and will change you… that with God’s help you can and will be different. You have to believe that God can transform you through His Holy Spirit, His word and his people along with your choices. With those things in place you can change.

Paul encourages us with …

Ephesians 3:20 The Living Bible

20 Now glory be to God, who by his mighty power at work within us is able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream of—infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, or hopes.

God is able to do more. Think of the biggest thing God is telling you to do and know this, He can do more…

You must believe that you can change with God’s power

Philippians 4:13 AMP

13 I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me [I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who infuses inner strength into me; I am self-sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency].

He can make you ready for anything. This is a can do attitude based on God’s promise and it’s one we should have towards our growth.

Look what Jesus said,

Matthew 9:29 NLT

29 Then he touched their eyes and said, “Because of your faith, it will happen.”

We get to choose how we will change… what giants we will kill … what mountains we will climb. You get to choose the qualities you will develop and how much God blesses your life...

Because of your faith, it will happen

You start with your mind. You have to allow the Holy Spirit to change you and how you think by spending time in the Word and letting the Word change you. You need to get into groups when we have them, or form one. You need to develop a relationship with a mentor /coach. If you are wanting to do a group at your house or you are someone we are having to lead a group, Pastor Kathy and I are your mentors and coaches right now.

When you do these things you will see God transform you like you never thought possible.