Real Talk: Singleness

“God has ordained a season of singleness for every human being on the planet. Singleness does not exist simply as an extended adolescence, a pursuit of career ambition, or a preparatory phase for marriage. Rather, God has ordained the unique freedoms of single life not for distractions or ambitions, but for devotion to him.” -Ben Stuart

Singleness is a Good Gift from God

We should view singleness not as a burden but as a good gift from God (James 1:17)

Paul calls singleness a gift in 1 Corinthians 7:7 “I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.”

Paul says later in verse 35 in relation to the gift of singleness, “I say this for your own benefit, not to lay a restraint on you...literally, not to choke you.”

So, the Bible calls singleness a good gift from God…but is that what we really think about when we think of singleness? Is that how our culture…or even the church at times defines singleness?

We should not define singleness as being “un-married”...would we call someone who is married “un-single?”

The gift of singleness is not a superpower to tolerate the negative state but the gift itself is singleness. Singleness is not about what we are spared but what we are given.

God promises to give those who remain single a blessing that is better than the blessings of marriage and children…

Isaiah 56:4-5 “For thus says the Lord: “To the eunuchs who keep my Sabbaths, who choose the things that please me and hold fast my covenant, I will give in my house and within my walls a monument and a name better than sons and daughters; I will give them an everlasting name that shall not be cut off.”

So, what if I do not want to be single and want to be married, does this mean I have the gift of marriage? Lets look at the passage where this idea may stem from in Matthew 19:11-12.

Matthew 19:11-12 “But he said to them, “Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is given. For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let the one who is able to receive this receive it.””

“Let the one who can receive this receive it” essentially means “let those who have ears to hear, hear.” It should be recieved by all of Jesus’ disciples.

“It is unlikely that he means that only to some is given the spiritual gift of renouncing marriage, and that unless someone feels happy and comfortable with this choice, it is probably not for them....The point is that all disciples of Jesus need to make room in their thinking for the shocking possibility of not getting married, costly and painful though that would be. To be a disciple of Jesus means to put Jesus and his gospel and his kingdom absolutely first, above all else.” -Christopher Ash

On the gift of marriage/singleness...

“It is a common misunderstanding to think I know whether I have the gift of singleness by whether or not I feel happy to be single. It is often said that only if I am quite content to be unmarried and really experience no strong sexual urges or other desires for marriage, only then can I say I have this gift. And if I don’t feel content like this, then I should get married if I can.”

But if we base a gift off desire...what happens if I am married and I no longer have a desire to be married but to be single...does this permit divorce?

What If I have the desire to be married but never have an opportunity to get married...does this mean God has given me a gift that I cannot experience?

“No, essentially, I know which ‘gift’ I have by a very simple test: if I am married, I have the gift of marriage; if I am not married, I have the gift of singleness. My circumstances are God’s gracious gift to me, and I am to learn to accept them from his hand as such....We must stop thinking, ‘once I have the gift, I will always have the same gift.’ Not at all. Most will have the gift of singleness for the first two or three decades of their life and the last 1 or 2 decades of their life (being widowed). Some will have the gift of marriage in between and some will not. But it is not based on a feeling or desire, but rather the circumstances that God allows us to walk through that determines what ‘gift’ we have in the moment. We must learn to be content no matter what circumstance we are in (Philippians 4:11-13) ” -Christopher Ash

Time Goal: 15 minute mark!!

The Purpose of Singleness

So what is the main purpose of singleness? We find it in 1 Corinthians 7:35.

1 Corinthians 7:35 “I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.”

So, the purpose of Singleness is ultimately: to provide the suitable context to have an undivided devoted to the Lord.

Undivided Devotion to the Lord

Singleness provides:

1. Freedom from distraction

Ever try worshipping God during a worship service when you are sitting next to someone you like? Who are you thinking about more...them or the Lord???

2. Liberty from anxiety-see 1 Corinthians 7:32-35

1 Corinthians 7:32-35 “I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.”

Does this mean that it is more spiritual to stay single?

No, just as we are called to love God and love others, these are not two separate commands but one command that is lived out two ways.

Loving your spouse and seeking to please them is loving God and obeying Ephesians 5.

What Paul is saying in 1 Corinthians 7 is that getting married makes life more complicated and busy.

It is not right or wrong, but will radically change your life and the things you have to juggle compared to if you were single.

“Paul’s point is not that getting married is any better or any worse for serving God. It is simply that it introduces into our lives an enormous new complexity. Our moral obligations, the ways we love God, are now worked out in a multiplicity of different (“divided”) ways. This is not wrong. But it is more complicated, and it may cause us stress.”-Christopher Ash

“Ultimately, you will not be closer to God if you do get married, and you will be no closer to God if you don’t. You will not necessarily serve God better if you do, and you will not serve God better if you don’t, BUT YOU WILL MOST CERTAINLY SERVE GOD DIFFERENTLY.” -Christopher Ash

The Grass is not greener...each circumstance has its difficulties and blessings...both marriage and singleness.

3. Gift of Freedom to pursue devotion in the Lord

When you are single, you have more time than you ever will and more time than most people...but this time should not be wasted but to pursue an undistracted devotion to the Lord.

Don’t let the desire or longing you have to be married lead you to waste the season of singleness you are in...the desire is not wrong...but letting it become a distraction is wrong.

“Let not our longing slay our appetite for living.” -Jim Elliot

Don’t act like you are dating when you are single.

To maximize your season of singleness, there are two things you should be devoted to in the Lord: Attentive to his word and his work.

Attentive to his word

The average male, by the time they turn 21, has spent ten thousand hours playing video games. It takes half of that time to earn your bachelor’s degree.

I do not care if you play video games but if it is a regular part of your life, I wonder if you are missing out on the bigger story that is actually playing out around you? Are you living for a fictional or a real reality?

What would happen if you substituted all of the time you spent on social media, playing video games, watching tv, etc. and replaced it with reading God’s word and responding in prayer? What would your life look like?

“If you read two hundred words per minute (about the speed you can read audibly at a natural pace) for fifteen minutes a day, then you can easily read ten substantive books each year. In 2014, the average American spent forty minutes a day on Facebook alone.” -John Piper

Attentive to his work

How could you use the additional time you have to help serve others in the church, serve in cross-cultural missions, or invest in the next generation?

Critical question: Are you using your singleness to be concerned and devoted to the things of the Lord? If not, you are wasting your singleness.

IF TIME ALLOWS…CAN WALK THROUGH SOME OF THESE MYTHS

Common Myths and Questions About Singleness

1. Singleness means no intimacy

Intimacy is much more than sexual as the Bible describes friendships as one of the most intimate forms of relationships.

David and Jonathan (2 Samuel 1:26).

The loss of the intimacy of friendship is a result of our current culture:

“One of the key categories in Scripture is friendship. Examine the state of friendship in church and culture, however, and it’s clear that we’ve radically downgraded it. ‘Friends’ are those we simply hang out with. The category has even been expanded to include internet acquaintances we’ve never met as ‘friends.’” -Sam Allberry

The book of Proverbs draws distinctions between companions and friends. Companions are those who we enjoy hanging out with and those we are thrown together with by virtue of where we live, work, or go to church. We cycle through these relationships, which is normal. But, friends, according to Proverbs, are more rare because they share intimacy. A friend is someone by whom you are known deeply, in your weaknesses and strengths, joys and sorrows, and who you know deeply in return.

2. Singleness means no family

Jesus actually said that his family consisted not of blood relation or marital relation but spiritual relation.

Matthew 12:48-49 “But he replied to the man who told him, “Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?” And stretching out his hand toward his disciples, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers!”

3. Singleness hinders ministry.

That would mean the most influential people in history, Jesus and Paul’s, ministries were hindered in some way???

4. Singleness wastes your sexuality

This makes it seem as if our identity is wrapped up in our sexuality.

Does this mean Jesus wasted his sexuality and was not fully human?

5. Singleness is easy

Life moments are harder when you are single.

Sometimes you feel left out or the “third wheel.”

We must turn to Jesus to find our satisfaction and fulfillment. Ultimately, whether we are married or single, only Jesus fulfills our longings for intimacy and dependability.

3 Truths about Singleness (John Piper)

The family of God grows not by propagation through sexual intercourse, but by regeneration through faith in Christ.

Relationships in Christ are more permanent, and more precious than relationships in families.

Marriage is temporary and finally gives way to the relationship to which it was pointing all along: Christ and the church-the way a picture is no longer needed when you see face-to-face.

Faithfulness to Christ defines the value of life; all other relationships get their final significance from this. No family relationship is ultimate; relationship to Christ is.

“Marriage has its unique potential for magnifying Christ that singleness does not have. Singleness has its unique potential for magnifying Christ that marriage does not have. To God be glory in the Christ-exalting drama of marriage and in the Christ-exalting drama of the single life.”