Hebrews 13:4 - Honoring Marriage

Welcome Message

Good morning everyone - thankful to be able to be here with you today.

We are continuing our series on the book of Hebrews and as Jarrod spoke about the week before last we are moving from the “Orthodoxy” section of the letter to the Hebrews to the “Orthopraxy” section. Meaning, in the first 12 chapters, the author has laid out all of the key doctrine and now is telling us “what then should we do?”

This is putting into practice all the doctrine that has thus far been taught.

Thus far in Chapter 13 we have been encouraged to be hospitable and loving to others including those in prison or others who are mistreated. obviously this has huge implications for us in our day to day lives today.

Now for the next couple of weeks we will be covering some topics that some could argue are the most challenging parts of our walks as Christians.

That being said, I do want to give a quick disclaimer that the topic I will be discussing today does include some more mature content. Obviously I won’t be saying anything explicit, but it’s impossible to preach on this passage of scripture without using some words that may trigger your children to ask you questions. Just wanting you to be prepared - and as always - the elders of the Crossing are always available to help guide you through these discussions with your kids.

that being said, let me pray for our time together.

Prayer

Scripture

Hebrews 13:4 ESV

Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.

This is God’s Word.

So as you can see today we will be discussing Marriage. Now I don’t have any statistics on this, but I imagine that marriage is probably one of the top life events that almost everyone spends a significant amount of time thinking about.

For those not yet married this may look like anticipation, or fear in some cases....

For those already married it may be a favorite memory.

I know for me, Corrie and my wedding is mostly a blur. If I knew then what I know now, I would have done things MUCH differently on our wedding so that it would not have been so hectic and rushed.

But I do remember the moment Corrie walked down the aisle.

Corrie and I were married at a country club called Mt Vernon which is in the mountains in Colorado. The room we had the ceremony in was fairly narrow but long. One whole wall was nothing but windows overlooking the pine trees and mountains - it was a beautiful spot.

I was standing under the archway and I was so nervous. I didn’t really understand at the time what I was so nervous about, but as I think about it now, I realize that I was nervous, not because I was afraid something would go wrong, but simply because of the gravity of the occasion.

This moment would mark a new chapter in my life - a lifelong commitment not just to live with, but to love another human being for the rest of my life.

So as I’m standing there in my Marine Corps Dress Blues shaking like a leaf, the music starts and Corrie walks out…wow - she is so beautiful it takes my breath away. She’s smiling and she walks up to me.

I don’t have super clear memories of much else after that - but that moment has stuck with me ever since that day.

Now when I think of marriage I think of my little girls getting married - and I can’t even talk about that. I’m just glad it won’t be happening for a long, long, looooong time.

But I know they think about it - as I imagine most if not all little girls do. I’ve never been a little girl - but I’ve heard the stories of the fantasies about the wedding day and girls picking out their wedding dresses when they are like 10 etc.

Some people are terrified of marriage and talk about it like it is akin to life in prison.

It seems that as humans we are hardwired to have very strong feelings about marriage. It’s as if it is a core part of who we are.

Exposition

So, Before we begin diving into the text - we need to set a clear foundation:

Your Worldview MUST Be Biblical

The Primacy and Sufficiency of Scripture

2 Timothy 3:16–17 ESV

All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work.

At the Crossing Church - we believe in the primacy of scripture (meaning above all other teachings or sources of doctrine) and sufficiency of scripture (meaning if we had no other knoweldge other than scripture, we could live God honoring and fulfilling lives)

This is REALLY important because you may not realize that not all religions and even denominations that profess to be Christian would agree with these two truths.

But we believe that without a solid unchanging source of truth it is impossible to make any sense of the world around us in any sort of a consistent God honoring way.

So we can’t even have a conversation about Marriage or what God intends for human sexuality if the “goal posts” are always changing subject to changes in human formed opinions, or teachings, or political platforms.

this is what we mean by a Biblical “Worldview” scripture becomes the “lens” through which we view the world and how we asses which things are true and which things are right and wrong.

to stick with my goal post metaphor - imagine the chaos of a football game where there was not a clearly defined set of rules. If some of the refs thought that some plays were legal while other refs believed something differently.

which leads into my next point

You Can’t Have a Biblical Worldview Without Knowing What the Bible Teaches

Hebrews 5:12 CSB

Although by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the basic principles of God’s revelation again. You need milk, not solid food

So here we see the author of Hebrews admonishing the reader for being immature believers - meaning that the expectation is that over time believers will grow and mature. Peter reinforces this:

2 Peter 3:18 ESV

But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be the glory both now and to the day of eternity. Amen.

Peter here is offering a warning that believers must be solid in their understanding of doctrine so that they will not be led away by false teachers.

So we are again admonished to be solid in our understanding of scripture to the point that we are able to teach it.

Now how can someone teach something unless they themselves are an expert in it?

For example, as you know I have several children. Corrie and I taught them all how to speak English. how could we possibly have done that if we didn’t have an expert level grasp of the English language ourselves? We know the alphabet, we know how to spell, we have a large vocabulary and can carry on complex conversations with other english speaking people. We can read it and write it. We can even use the language to compose art like poetry or songs.

Now to be clear, we don’t know EVERYTHING about the english language some of the more obscure things like verb conjugations, sentence diagramming, etymology (the origins of words) etc but we are expert enough in English that we can live productive lives in an English speaking society.

In this SAME way we are commanded by God to be experts in God’s word. We must be so well versed in the core teachings of scripture that we can teach it to others and have that knowledge in our minds so that when we are confronted with challenges in our lives we have a solid foundation of truth to fall back on for guidance.

So how do we get there? I’m not going to stand here and tell you how much you need to read your bible every day. I will just offer these scriptures to you and ask you how you plan to obey them. If you were to tell me that you could get there by studying one verse per day - id love to discuss that with you and see if that will really get you to maturity in a reasonable amount of time. If someone were to say that they believe the “only” way to get to this level of maturity is by studying for hours every day I would challenge that also.

Again im not here to dictate to you how you should discipline your life, I am simply offering the truth of scripture to you that says you need to be an expert and encouraging you to obey that.

Now I say all of this because the topic im discussing today can be highly charged so it is critical that we approach our scripture today with a very clear understanding about where truth comes from.

Truth is not something that changes depending on who you are. There is no such thing as “your truth” or “my truth” there is only “the truth” and that truth comes from the word of God.

I know I spent quite a bit of time on this, but If you don’t agree on this point then today may be particularly uncomfortable for you.

so let’s dive into our text for today:

Hebrews 13:4 ESV

Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.

Why Should Marriage Be Honored?

1. Marriage Was Ordained By God Himself

Matthew 19:4–6 ESV

He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”

Jesus is here answering a question of the pharisees concerning divorce, but to answer the question, Jesus describes what God’s original design for marriage was. So it is clear from scripture that Marriage was God ordained to be between one man and one woman for life.

anything other than that - is not what God intends marriage to be.

And God takes marriage very seriously. For example, the word “marriage” is found 57 times in the bible and the word “adultery” which is sexual activity with someone who is not your spouse while you are married to someone else - is found 37 times in the Bible.

So we can see that God takes his plan for marriage very seriously.

But why does God care so much about who we marry?

Well as if it wasn’t enough for us to simply trust Him at his word and obey what scripture teaches, God also uses

2. Earthly Marriage as a Picture of Something Greater

Ephesians 5:25 ESV

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,

So God intends for marriage between man and woman to be a picture of the love that Jesus has for his church. So in the same way that Jesus sacrificed himself for His church, so also are husbands expected to sacrifice themsleves to care for their wives.

this is such a radical departure from the modern 50/50 view of marriage where men and women are expected to each do their “fair share” and each “carry their own weight”.

No God expects us to give 100% of ourselves expecting nothing in return - in the same way he gave 100% of himself.

The self-sacrificing nature of our marriages as Christians should be so radical that it “demands a gospel explanation” as Jarrod always says.

Yet another reason why marriage should be honored by all:

3. Love is Very Powerful, and Can Cause Tremendous Destruction if Abused

Song of Solomon 2:5 ESV

Sustain me with raisins; refresh me with apples, for I am sick with love.

2 Samuel 13:1–2 ESV

Now Absalom, David’s son, had a beautiful sister, whose name was Tamar. And after a time Amnon, David’s son, loved her. And Amnon was so tormented that he made himself ill because of his sister Tamar, for she was a virgin, and it seemed impossible to Amnon to do anything to her.

Proverbs 6:27 ESV

Can a man carry fire next to his chest and his clothes not be burned?

the passion that burns between men and women is nothing to be trifled with. Here are just a few examples where that passion is described as causing physical illness and even described as a burning fire. In fact in the case of the story of Amnon David’s Son, he allowed himself to become so consumed by his passion for his sister Tamra that he ultimately assualted her. This led to a violent war between Absalom (Tamar’s brother) and David himself.

this is one reason why Paul encourages the Corinthian believers to marry if they are unable to live celibately:

1 Corinthians 7:9 ESV

But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

So since we know how seriously God takes marriage and keeping the marriage bed pure believers are encouraged to marry as a healthy way to deal with their natural passions.

What if I am single?

Many of you here today are not yet married so you may be thinking - how does any of this apply to me?

Part of the beauty of God’s design for marriage and human sexuality is the miraculous way in which it unites us together with our spouse. We literally become “one flesh” with our husband or wife.

This unification is accomplished not just through marriage but through sexual intimacy.

Here we see a warning against indulging in prostitution:

1 Corinthians 6:16 ESV

16 Or do you not know that he who is joined to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For, as it is written, “The two will become one flesh.”

So any sexual activity between people is uniting them in ways that are only acceptable within marriage.

So then logically, if I am not married and I unite with someone through sexual intimacy, and then LATER decide to get married, I have ALREADY defiled the marriage bed.

So now that the author has given us the direction to honor marriage and keep the marriage bed pure, he gives the following warning:

God Will Judge the Sexually Immoral and Adulterous

Who are the sexually immoral? Who are the adulterous?

These two terms are not synonymous. Adultery is a specific form of sexual immorality that is specific to sexual relations between a married person and someone who is not their spouse and sexual immorality is a broad term that covers any sort of sexual activity outside of God’s original design of one man, one woman, married for life.

So with that we must again put on our Biblical Worldview glasses and look at the world around us, the city around us. If we do we will be unable to avoid seeing something very curious.

Some particular expressions of sexuality are loudly condemned while others are ignored and swept under the rug.

We would also notice that many of the most vocal opponents of certain forms of sexual immorality are themselves guilty of other forms of sexual immorality. And we would also notice that they seem to be oblivious to this fact.

Some of us may even be sitting here and saying to ourselves that we are not guilty of committing any sexual sins. We are happily married and faithful to our spouses so we are “good”. Or in the case of those who are not yet married - you may be saying, I’ve kept myself pure and I have not defiled my future marriage bed.

But lest we fall into the same trap that we see so many professing Christians fall into, let’s not forget some other Biblical truth.

Romans 3:23 ESV

for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,

So we know that at one point or another in our lives, we have committed some act that is outside of God’s plan of one man, one woman, in marriage, for life.

But I suppose it is even possible that there is ONE person in this room right now who can honestly say they have never committed a sexual act outside of marriage.

But Jesus himself raises the bar even higher than sexual ACTS

Matthew 5:27–28 ESV

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

So now, we are most definitely ALL covered. There is not one person in this room who can say that they have never had one single impure thought in their entire life.

So we are therefore all guilty of sexual sin. And our passage tells us that God will judge the sexually immoral. So, what hope is there for us?

1 Corinthians 6:9–11 (ESV)

Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

This is the Good News the Gospel! That despite our sinfulness, God gave his only son to die for our sins and if we truly believe that, then we will be saved - washed (made clean) sanctified (dedicated to God) and justified (legally vindicated).

But someone may say - you don’t know all the sins I have committed surely it is too late for me. I made a lot of bad choices when I was younger and now my future marriage is going to suffer because I have already defiled my future marriage bed!

And I would respond - it if NEVER too late.

Luke 23:42 ESV

And he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.”

Here is a thief hanging on the cross next to Jesus who only minutes before was mocking Jesus just like everyone else and is now begging Jesus to save him.

What did Jesus say? “Weren’t you just mocking me a few minutes ago?”

NO!

Luke 23:43 ESV

And he said to him, “Truly, I say to you, today you will be with me in paradise.”

Wow. So if the atoning work of Jesus can save that thief after a lifetime of evil - then Jesus can most certainly save every one of us.

Jarrod shared this quote from St. John Crysostom that I thought I would include here:

“Be ashamed when you sin, don't be ashamed when you repent. Sin is the wound, repentance is the medicine. Sin is followed by shame; repentance is followed by boldness. Satan has overturned this order and given boldness to sin and shame to repentance.” St. John Crysostom

Notably this quote is over 1600 years old and is still relevant to us today. Unfortunately, many Christians still misunderstand the roles of shame and boldness today in our spiritual lives. We tend to emphasize one while ignoring the other.

so yes, let us feel ashamed of our sins, but let us cause that shame to motivate us to run boldly to the throne of our father - not away from Him!

God has the power and desire to restore us to life. Though we were once dead in our sins, God can resurrect us and make us new. We get a fresh start - our sins are washed away and we are now covered in Jesus’ righteousness.

In summary, This passage of scripture is itself very practical. We can see the importance of honoring marriage. In fact, as a body we take this so seriously, that we have even been willing to invest financially to help couples with their marriages. Our elders are all involved in marriage counseling. We take marriage very seriously and we should all be looking for more ways to honor marriage around us. Not only for all the reasons that I gave earlier, but because all of the data shows that strong marriages are absolutely critical to strong families which is critical for healthy children who grow up to have their own families and so on.

In fact it is not difficult to find a plethora of studies that show that children who are raised in families where the mother and father are married and are both present and engaged with their children are much more likely to graduate high school and much less likely to end up in jail.

So we know that marriage is critical, but what are some practical ways that we as individuals can help “keep the marriage bed pure” as our text from today warns us to do?

Application

1. Focus on the “Do” Instead of all the “Don’ts”

As you all know we have several children. Unfortuantley for Grace - our oldest, most of what we know about parenting we had to learn the hard way - through trial and error.

When Grace was little, Corrie and I spent an awful lot of time correcting her and telling her “no”. Don’t touch that, don’t squirm, don’t eat that and on and on and on.

Now Grace was not a particularly naughty child - naughty yes, but not any MORE naughty than a typical child. But still it was exhausting for us and frustrating for Grace for us to be constantly “on her case”

It wasn’t until much later that we realized that it was much simpler to tell our kids what to do rather than what NOT to do. give them something constructive to do with their time that they can focus their energy on rather than constantly correcting them.

Now this is NOT to say that our kids should not be corrected when they do something wrong NEITHER am I saying that children must be CONSTANTLY stimulated - kids need to learn that sometimes its ok to just sit quietly without something to do - but this is a learning process that takes time.

During that process it is much easier to as much as is reasonable try to proactively give our kids something to do to help them stay out of trouble.

This is why we started the clipboards on sunday mornings - to give those kids who are still learning how to sit and listen to the sermon something constructive to do.

In the passage we read earlier where Jesus is answering the Pharisee’s question about divorce - we see this principle applied perfectly. The Pharisee uses a “what if” scenario in an attempt to trick Jesus. Rather than get pulled into what would surely have been a neverending battle of “what ifs” Jesus simply says - here is what my father intended.

2. Live in Community

Titus 2:2–8 ESV

Older men are to be sober-minded, dignified, self-controlled, sound in faith, in love, and in steadfastness. Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled. Likewise, urge the younger men to be self-controlled. Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works, and in your teaching show integrity, dignity, and sound speech that cannot be condemned, so that an opponent may be put to shame, having nothing evil to say about us.

Proverbs 27:17 ESV

Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.

Hebrews 10:24–25 ESV

And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.

There is certainly value in the self-discipline of focusing on the Do instead of all the Don’ts - but nothing is a substitute for the love, support, and accountability that comes from being in close community with others.

Other than the devil himself, there is no one better at decieving us than ourselves.

We can try to self-discipline, but in the end, we will ALWAYS find excuses and find some ways to justify our secret desires.

We will not instantly become perfect and free of temptation the minute we become Christians - we are simply no longer ENSLAVED to sin - we have been empowered by the Holy Spirit to resist temptation and live holy lives.

but until we die and are finally free from the corrupting influence of sin in a falled world we will always be tempted and struggle against sin.

This is one of the key functions of the church. God knows that living life in this fallen world is hard so he has commanded us to live together in community - discipling one another and helping each other to avoid temptation and work through out challenges together.

At TCC we do this practically through our Missional Communities and DNA Groups. If you are not currently a part of one of these groups and meeting regularly then you are missing out on an incredible source of love and support from people who are more than ready to be there for you.

Being a part of an MC and DNA will likely mean that you will have to make some sacrifices and some changes in your life - almost no one has the same schedule so everyone has to be willing to make some concessions to be obedient both to God and to the elders of the crossing.

Someone will surely argue that they don’t have the time to be a part of a community of people - I would love to talk to you about that. I would be willing to bet that your lack of time is actually a matter of prioritization rather than scheduling.

One things is absolutely certain - if you truly want something - you will find a way to make it happen. If you don’t - then you didn’t really want it in the first place...

You can find out more about our MCs and DNAs by talking to me or any of our elders after service today.

3. Remember Where You Came From When You Speak to Others About Their Sin

1 Corinthians 6:9–11 (ESV)

Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

Matthew 23:24 ESV

You blind guides, straining out a gnat and swallowing a camel!

Matthew 7:5 ESV

You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.

My last point of application relates not to us personally, but to how we interact with others.

We all know people who are struggling with various sins.

How should we approach them?

Im sure we have seen this done poorly - where self-righteous people loudly condemn certain sins (or worse - things that aren’t even sins at all) - ironically these people are also generally silent about other sins. They have no relationship with the people they are condemning. One is forced to wonder what exactly they are trying to accomplish? It feels more like bullying than anything else - putting others down to make themselves feel better.

And I imagine - if we are honest with ourselves - we have all done this at some point or another in our lives.

So what is a better way?

First and foremost - remember where you came from. as the old saying goes - “but for the grace of God go I”. We are ALL sinners - for those of us who have been saved - we have been washed - but that is only by the grace of God.

So if we constantly remind ourselves that our salvation had absolutely NOTHING to do with anything that we did -

Ephesians 2:9 ESV

not a result of works, so that no one may boast.

but is in fact simply a free gift that we didn’t deserve - then that will RADICALLY change the way we interact with others about their own sin.

Instead of pharisaical self-righteousness - we will be heartbroken and reminded of our own sins.

Here is another practical tip.

Imagine in your mind, your best friend in the world - your “ride or die” - the one person that you would gladly give your life for.

Now imagine that person is struggling with sin.

How would you talk to them?

Why is the way you talk to that person different from the way you talk to the person in your MC - or the person you talk to at the gym - or at work?

Maybe the difference is that you LOVE that person.

And hasn’t Jesus commanded us to love each other in the same sacrificial way he loved us?

John 13:34 ESV

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.

So here we are commanded by Jesus to love everyone AT LEAST as much as we love our best friend.

That means - building relationships with them - helping them when they are in need - praying for them regularly - and speaking the truth to them in love.

Now some may say - “well it isn’t loving for me to not confront someone about their sin”

Unfortunately, it seems to me that most of the time when I hear people say that - what they really seem to be saying is: “I’m not willing to invest the time and energy it takes to build a relationship with someone so that I can speak into their lives in a way that will ACTUALLY help them - I just want to be the “big hero” for God and fight the fight for righteousness.”

Of course when people take this approach it usually causes tremendous hurt and often they lose friends.

Sadly, these same people twist what’s happening to them to make it sounds as though they are being “persecuted” for being Christian - when they aren’t following the teachings of Christ at all.

But Again - I suspect if we are honest - this is all of us at one point or another in our lives...

So with that let me pray.