The Greatest Rick You'll Ever Take

We're in part 2 this morning of "Secrets of a Satisfying Marriage". A few years ago there was a television show called "Amazing Risks" -- had all these dare devils on it, guys like Evil Knievel, jumping the Snake River on his motorcycle, bungy cord jumpers, people who walked across burning, hot coals of fire, people who climbed Mt. Everest and people who chased tornadoes. Risk Takers!

I want to talk with you this morning about the greatest risk you'll ever take in marriage. It is the risk to be totally honest with your mate. The reason it's a risk is because man's oldest problem is the fear of rejection.

Ephesians 4:15, "Let our lives lovingly express the truth in all things ... speaking truly, dealing truly, living truly." Very few people live that way, in a relationship of total honesty. It's risky. Man's oldest problem is the fear of rejection. A book that came out a long time ago Why Am I Afraid To Tell You Who I Am? The answer goes like this, "I'm afraid to tell you who I am because if I really reveal what I'm like and if you don't like it (what I am) then I'm up a creek, because I'm all I got." We don't like that. Fear enters relationships and ruins it.

This morning I want us to look at how fear ruins relationships. We're going to look at the first couple, Adam and Eve. Genesis 3. When you think about Adam and Eve, everything was going perfect for them. They had every reason for a romantic relationship. He was never late from work. She never burned anything. There were no bills to worry about. They had no health problems. There were no kids hanging on to them. No in laws. No clothes. Everything you need for a perfect relationship.

But sin entered the relationship. And it brought a new factor called fear. Marriages have been struggling ever since. Fear does three things:

1. My fear of my faults make me defensive.

2. My fear of my feelings make me distant.

3. My fear for my freedom makes me demanding.

1. MY FEAR OF MY FAULTS MAKE ME DEFENSIVE.

We hate to admit it when we've made a mistake. We hate to admit weaknesses. We do make mistakes but we deny them. Have you ever found yourselves defending a stupid decision that you made just out of pride? Before you married your fiancé had an idealized view of what you were really like. Then after you got married the ideal became the real.

The task became "How long can I fool him?" That causes tension and stress. It causes us to wear masks in a relationship, in a marriage. God said, I want you to be honest. The fear that I have faults causes me to be defensive.

There are two common reactions when we're defensive:

1. We accuse

2. We excuse

1. We accuse -- We blame our mates. We say it's your fault, your problem. v. 11-13 "God asked, `Did you eat ... what I told you not to eat?' Adam answered, `The woman you put here with me gave me the fruit and I ate it.' [Adam took it like a man -- he blamed his wife] She replied, `The snake tricked me into eating.'" Ever since then, men have been blaming women, and women have been calling men "snakes". It's part of life that we blame, accuse. We have faults and don't want to admit it, but we accuse others thinking, "If I admit my weakness, they may use it against me at a later time."

2. We excuse ourselves. We’re thr Great Pretenders. We pretend nothing is wrong. "I don't have any problems in my marriage. It's fine." If I ignore it maybe it will go away. But pretending doesn't work. I John 1:8 "If we claim we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and refusing to accept the truth." What are you pretending not to know about your marriage? What is the problem in your marriage that you're pretending doesn't exist? What are you defensive about? The tragedy is that a lot of marriages have problems that can be solved relatively quickly but pretending perpetuates problems. I'm afraid that I have a problem so I don't want to admit it. And I'm afraid to ask for help. So the pain gets worse and worse and worse.

We must face our faults in order to be freed from them. The way you get rid of your faults is to face them head on. If I fear my faults it makes me defensive.

So what do I do with my faults? I don't conceal them. I don't pretend they don't exist. I don't condone them, justify them, make excuses. I don't say, "It's no big deal. Everybody's got this problem."

I just confess it. I admit it.

2. MY FEAR OF MY FEELINGS MAKE ME DISTANT.

v. 9-10 "God called to Adam, `Why are you hiding?' Adam answered `... I was afraid and hid from you because I was naked.'" Hiding, hid, afraid -- those three go together. Men typically withdraw when we're faced with emotions. Most men don’t know what to do when their wives get emotional. Men typically become cool and detached and macho and cowardly. The real issue is we don't know how to deal with emotion. We fear our feelings. We become distant.

The number one complaint I hear is, "I just don't understand him. I don't have any idea what he feels. He won't talk to me. Before we got married, he talked all the time. Now all he does is grunt. And he only grunts when he wants food, sex or to change the channels."

I read a sign this week: "If more men were self starters, fewer women would be cranks."

We fear our feelings so we become distant. What are the feelings people commonly fear?

1. Hurt feelings. We don't like to admit when we're vulnerable. We don't like to admit that other people can hurt us, but they can. Have you ever played "Is there something wrong?" -- Your mate is not a mind reader. The problem when you don't express your hurts is that unexpressed hurts become resentment. Hurts will not destroy your marriage if you know how to deal with them. But resentment can kill your marriage. Hiding a hurt only intensifies it. We need to learn to not fear our feelings, especially hurt feelings.

2. Angry feelings. Many spouses are afraid to get angry. "I don't want to rock the boat. I'm afraid to get angry because it might destroy the relationship." It is normal to get angry. God even commands it, "Be angry and don't sin." There is a right way to get angry and there's a wrong way. Appropriate and inappropriate. A constructive way and a destructive way to get angry. Anger means you care. Anger means you love. Sometimes you need to get angry. Jesus got angry in the temple. Sometimes you need to say, "I don't like the way our relationship is going." Care enough about it to say something.

Every marriage has good days and bad days. Sometimes your mate is a class A jerk. Sometimes I'm irritating. Sometimes we're all irritating. The healthiest families are not those who never fight. The healthiest families are not those who fight all the time. The healthiest families are those who fight occasionally but they know how to fight right. They know how to fight fair. And they know how to make up, resolve. It's OK to express anger sometimes. Don't panic. You didn't marry the wrong person. Anger doesn't necessarily mean your marriage is on the rocks. If you're getting it out and learning how to deal with it directly.

3. Sexual feelings. It's interesting to me that after fear entered the relationship of Adam and Eve, the first reaction is that they covered their bodies. Isn't that interesting? The first thing they did was they covered up their sexuality when fear entered the relationship. Fear makes us self conscious. I read a study that said 60% of all couples are frustrated or unfulfilled in their sexual relationship. Why? They don't know how to talk about it. They don't know how to say, "This bugs me and I don't know how to bring it up. I don't know how to express my needs. I don't know how to share my preferences. I don't know how to talk about this." Yet it's such a vital issue in your life. But many people are afraid to talk about sexual feelings and express their needs.

Story about the man and his wife who went to the doctor. The doctor told the man "You've got two weeks to live. I'd like to talk to your wife privately." The man left. The doctor told the wife, "He will live longer if you'll do two things. Feed him a good meal every day and make love to him every day." The wife gets into the car. The man asks, "What did the doctor say?" She said, "The doctor said you're gonna die."

Your mate is not a mind reader. You have to share hurt feelings, angry feelings, sexual feelings. They are a part of life. They're a part of God's plan for your marriage.

3. WHEN I FEAR FOR MY FREEDOM I BECOME DEMANDING

Insecurity demands that I must always be in control. Insecurity demands that I must always have my own way. Insecurity demands that I must always have the last word. Insecurity demands my rights. When sin entered the relationship of Adam and Eve, fear came into the relationship and that became what is now called "the battle of the sexes" -- it's a result of sin.

v. 16 "...Your yearning shall be for your husband, yet he will lord it over you..." (JB) Berkley translation says, "... he will dominate you..." and the struggle for domination began. God's planned was changed. Sadly, instead of a husband and wife with their differences complementing each other, husbands and wives began to compete with each other. And they missed the whole point of marriage. You're on the same team! You're not called to compete; you're called to complement. Differences aren't wrong, just different. Instead of complementing, we compete.

My fear for my freedom makes me demanding. This is the root problem in so many marriages. It's a power struggle. You have two very insecure people both struggling for control. The husband acts like a dictator in order to prove his competence because he's insecure. And the wife reacts and rebels to prove her competence because she's insecure. And they live in a perpetual state of conflict. God doesn't mean for it to be that way. If you're doing that, stop. You're on the same team. You cannot fix the problem until you stop fixing the blame. Work on the problem, not each other.

When we focus on our rights we live in a constant state of anger. "I have my rights!" You gave them up when you got married. The Bible says, that the husband is to lay down his life for his wife. And the wife is to do the same for her husband. Marriage is not a 50/50 proposition. It is 110% given and 110% given -- both giving more than they're receiving. And that produces a satisfying relationship.

Besides -- what makes you think you deserve a perfect mate? Whoever told you that you deserve a perfect mate anyway?

What's the antidote? When I fear my freedom, I'm demanding. When I fear my faults, I'm defensive. When I fear my feelings, I'm distant. The antidote is simply total honesty.

1. Be honest with yourself. Proverbs 20:27 "The Lord gave us a conscience; we cannot hide from ourselves." The starting point for a great marriage is to be honest with yourself. Face up to three things:

1) Face up to your faults

2) Face up to your feelings

3) Face up to your fears

Until you admit those to yourself you can't make any progress in your marriage. Be honest with yourself about them.

2. Be honest to God. Ask Him to help you. "God, You help me with my faults, my fears, my feelings." He wants to help you. "We have no need to fear someone who loves us perfectly; [That's the way God loves you -- perfectly, unconditionally. He loves you just as much on your bad days as on your good days.] His perfect love for us eliminates all dread..." God says, "You can come to Me and you can admit your faults, and feelings, and fears because I'm going to love you no matter what." He already knows. He just wants you to admit them. First you admit them to yourself, then, in prayer, you admit them to God. As you begin to verbalize them then you're able to go on to step 3.

3. Be honest with your mate. James 5:16 "Admit your faults to one another and pray for each other so that you may be healed." Do you want your marriage healed? There's the antidote. God can heal that relationship.

But don't stop with admitting your faults. Also admit your feelings. And also admit your fears. You start telling the truth to each other. You start caring enough to reveal yourself. Revealing your feelings is the beginning of healing.

What if they don't accept it? This is the greatest risk you will ever take in your marriage -- to be transparent. But it's also the most rewarding thing you can do. Intimacy comes through sharing your faults, feelings, and fears. There is no other way to develop intimacy except through sharing your faults, your fears, and your feelings.

Scott Peck in his book says, "The road to intimacy is through the tunnel of chaos." Jesus said, "When you know the truth, the truth will set you free." If you want your marriage set free to a new relationship you must face the facts, tell the truth.

The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable. We don't like to face the truth about ourselves. We don't like to face our insecurities. We don't like to face our hang-ups. We want to hide our hang-ups and that only makes them worse. We want to hide our fears, our faults, our feelings. As a result we perpetuate the problems that could have been solved much, much sooner. It is risky and painful, but the pain is worth the payoff. When you come into the tunnel of chaos it means you stop communicating on a superficial level, clichés. In most conversations in marriage they are conversations about other people, events, other things, and maybe some ideas. But rarely do we get down and talk about faults, feelings, fears. And that's the road to intimacy.

I'm still in the introduction of the series. Before we can get to specific issues, you've got to face the facts. I dare you to stop the cover-up in your marriage. Quit pretending. It's like the big pink elephant in the living room. Everybody's saying, "What pink elephant? I don't see any pink elephant." We keep walking around it, kicking, trying to hide it under the carpet. What are you pretending not to know in your marriage? What are you defensive about? What don't you want to talk about? It's not going to get any better until you face it. For the sake of your marriage, tell the truth. Throw away the fig leaves. Drop the masks. Deal with the issue.

Homework: I want you, if you're married, to plan a quiet dinner alone this week with just your mate. Prior to that meeting, I want you to make a list, prepare yourself for this meeting. Make a list of your faults, feelings about the marriage, and your fears. I want you to prepare and be ready to come together to talk about it. Not to beat each other up, not to fix the blame but to fix the problem. Come together in a spirit of reconciliation and teamwork of "Let's make this thing work!" Start dealing with the problems. Get them out in the open. It will be scary. It may be painful to listen to some of the things your spouse needs to say to you. It may be painful for you to say some things you need to say to your spouse. But if you don't say them, you're going to hold on to them and they'll turn to resentment and they will kill the marriage. For your own sake, tell the truth.

Is it possible to have a relationship without fear like Adam and Eve had before the fall? I believe it is. I John 4:18 (Phillips) "Fully developed love expels every particle of fear, for fear always contains some of the torture of feeling guilty." The antidote for fear of rejection is unconditional acceptance. When you and your mate get to the point of accepting each other no matter what, that's fully developed love. There will be no fear.

There is only one place I know where you can get that kind of love -- Jesus Christ. I don't give any marriage a chance of making it without God. The pressures are so intense. And the divorce options are so easy. It takes God in your marriage to make it stick. He created the idea, it was His idea, and He will give you the love that you need to love that person. For them to love you that way. As a man commits his life to Christ and grows toward Christ and as a woman commits her life to Christ and grows toward Christ it automatically brings them together in a relationship unknown in any other realm. Prayer:

FBI SERMON NOTES

THE GREATEST RISK YOU'LL EVER TAKE

The Secrets of a Satisfying Marriage - Part 2 of 12

Ephesians 4:15 & Genesis 3:1-19

Bobby Earls, First Baptist Icard, September 13, 1998

A Sermon Series developed by Rick Warren.

Ephesians 4:15 (Amp) "Let our lives lovingly express the truth in all things -- speaking truly, dealing truly, living truly."

Man's oldest problem:

HOW OUR FEARS RUIN RELATIONSHIPS (Genesis 3:1-19)

1. My Fear of My Faults Makes Me____________________

"God asked, `Did you eat. . . what I told you not to eat?' Adam answered, `The woman you put here with me gave me the fruit and I ate it.' . . . She replied, `The snake tricked me into eating." (vs. 12-13 GN)

"If we claim we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and refusing to accept the truth." I Jn. 1:8 (LB)

2. My Fear of My Feelings Makes Me__________________

"God called to Adam, `Why are you hiding?' Adam answered`. . . I was afraid and hid from you because I was naked."(vs. 9-10 LB/GN)

Feelings that frighten us:

* _____________________________________________

3. My Fear for My Freedom Makes Me____________________

The result of their sin:

"... Your yearning shall be for your husband, yet he will lord it over you..." (vs. 16 JB)

THE ANTIDOTE???

1. Be honest with ______________.

The Lord gave us a conscience; we cannot hide from ourselves. Pr. 20:27 (GN)

2. Be honest with ____________.

We have no need to fear someone who loves us perfectly; his perfect love for us eliminates all dread... I Jn. 4:18 (LB)

3. Be honest with your ____________.

Admit your faults to one another and pray for each other so that you may be healed. James 5:16 (LB)

..Fully developed love expels every particle of fear, for fear always contains some of the torture of feeling guilty. I Jn. 4:18 (Ph)