Christ-Centered Conflict Resolution

We Must Know the Source Of Conflict.

James 4:1–3 ESV

1 What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? 2 You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. 3 You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.

Over-Desire: Desire on hyperdrive

Genesis 4:1–8 ESV

1 Now Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived and bore Cain, saying, “I have gotten a man with the help of the Lord.” 2 And again, she bore his brother Abel. Now Abel was a keeper of sheep, and Cain a worker of the ground. 3 In the course of time Cain brought to the Lord an offering of the fruit of the ground, 4 and Abel also brought of the firstborn of his flock and of their fat portions. And the Lord had regard for Abel and his offering, 5 but for Cain and his offering he had no regard. So Cain was very angry, and his face fell. 6 The Lord said to Cain, “Why are you angry, and why has your face fallen? 7 If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door. Its desire is contrary to you, but you must rule over it.” 8 Cain spoke to Abel his brother. And when they were in the field, Cain rose up against his brother Abel and killed him.

Cravings breed Conflict.

“Regardless of the particular passion, James makes it clear that the internal war waging within a Christian eventually leads him to wage external war with others in efforts to satisfy his craving. In short, troubled people trouble people. Their internal unrest comes out on others, and creates unrest in their relationships. In the end, your relationships are usually in turmoil because you are in turmoil.” - Tony Merida

Common Good Things Turned Ultimate Things in Marriage

Desire to be loved

Desire to be respected

Desire to be considered

Desire to be secure

Desire to sleep

Desire to have fair duties

Desire to be sexually intimate

Desire to be understood

Desire to be on the same page

Desire to be desired

Common Bad Thing Turned Ultimate Things in Marriage

Desire to be the center of the marriage

Desire to have your expectations always met

*No lists or transactional expectations

Desire to be served because you have served

With this said,

We Must Know the Benefit Of Conflict

Conflicts expose hidden idols.

James 4:4–5 ESV

4 You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. 5 Or do you suppose it is to no purpose that the Scripture says, “He yearns jealously over the spirit that he has made to dwell in us”?

Idolatry: Whenever something good becomes something ultimate

Questions to ponder when in conflict over something specific (perhaps from the lists we just looked at):

Does it consume you?

Do you dwell on it continually?

Are you willing to sin to get it?

Do you sin when you don’t get it?

We Must Know the Remedy for Conflict

Ephesians 2:14–17 ESV

14 For he himself is our peace, who has made us both one and has broken down in his flesh the dividing wall of hostility 15 by abolishing the law of commandments expressed in ordinances, that he might create in himself one new man in place of the two, so making peace, 16 and might reconcile us both to God in one body through the cross, thereby killing the hostility. 17 And he came and preached peace to you who were far off and peace to those who were near.

Applying the gospel is the remedy for conflict.

We say “applying” the gospel, because the gospel is always true, and we, as christians are always aware of its truth, but, we need to continually and intentionally apply the gospel to our conflicts.

What Applying the Gospel Looks Like

When conflict is fresh and you can’t seem to work it out together, each person must have a “come to Jesus moment”.

This is exploring, with Jesus, where you might be in idolatry.

Confess, Believe and Receive cleansing.

You aren’t responsible for forcing your spouse to “go to Jesus”.

Sometimes your spouse won’t do this.

But, if you go to the cross with your conflict, and then return to your spouse, this might be the catalyst for them going to Jesus.

General Principles and Advice for Conflict

Sometimes conflicts are merely “miscommunications”

Make the issue the “enemy” or “focus”. Not each other.

Do not bring up past conflict or hurts.

If confession, repentance, and apology is offered, don’t let it hang there...

Either:

acknowledge it and share your desire to forgive and express your processing the hurt.

Forgive in that moment.

Seek counsel from more mature couples.

Don’t let negative expressions be the last thing or only thing said about the issue.

If your spouse never hears from you that you’ve internally resolved the issue or conflict and the last thing they heard was your frustration but you both continue on as if nothing happened, you are risking your spouse being anxious or feeling as if you are still upset about a matter.

Even if it’s been out of sight and out of mind for a while, risk the awkwardness, and tell your spouse you are sad about the conflict, sorry for any negative words or harshness you expressed, and reinforce the fact that you love them and aren’t holding the issue against them.

Most conflicts are stupid.