Confront Carefully

Confrontation is something that happens periodically in every relationship.

It is something that is necessary, but often feels wrong.

The big issue is that If we do not confront carefully, misunderstanding, hurt, and bitterness can be the result.

Tonight we are going to talk about confronting carefully.

As we begin, go with me to 1 Samuel 1:9-18.

1 Samuel 1:9-18

1 Samuel 1:9–18 NKJV

9 So Hannah arose after they had finished eating and drinking in Shiloh. Now Eli the priest was sitting on the seat by the doorpost of the tabernacle of the Lord. 10 And she was in bitterness of soul, and prayed to the Lord and wept in anguish. 11 Then she made a vow and said, “O Lord of hosts, if You will indeed look on the affliction of Your maidservant and remember me, and not forget Your maidservant, but will give Your maidservant a male child, then I will give him to the Lord all the days of his life, and no razor shall come upon his head.” 12 And it happened, as she continued praying before the Lord, that Eli watched her mouth. 13 Now Hannah spoke in her heart; only her lips moved, but her voice was not heard. Therefore Eli thought she was drunk. 14 So Eli said to her, “How long will you be drunk? Put your wine away from you!” 15 But Hannah answered and said, “No, my lord, I am a woman of sorrowful spirit. I have drunk neither wine nor intoxicating drink, but have poured out my soul before the Lord. 16 Do not consider your maidservant a wicked woman, for out of the abundance of my complaint and grief I have spoken until now.” 17 Then Eli answered and said, “Go in peace, and the God of Israel grant your petition which you have asked of Him.” 18 And she said, “Let your maidservant find favor in your sight.” So the woman went her way and ate, and her face was no longer sad.

This is what happens when we confront without first gathering all the necessary information.

Eli assumed she was drunk and told her off!

When we make assumptions, we make mistakes.

Hannah corrects his mistake and things get straightened out.

How much better to get the correct information, or simply ask.

Confronting before gathering information results in misunderstanding.

How often does this happen?

Every. Single. Time.

This situation ended well for Hannah and Eli, but we all know how horribly it could have gone.

How do we know?

Because we have been there.

There have been moments in probably all of our lives where confrontation has become necessary.

Depending on how we approached it, it either went well or horribly wrong.

Right?

Tonight we are going to learn 4 ingredients necessary for careful confrontation.

Ingredient #1…

Respond Don’t React vv. 35-38

Mark 4:35–38 NKJV

35 On the same day, when evening had come, He said to them, “Let us cross over to the other side.” 36 Now when they had left the multitude, they took Him along in the boat as He was. And other little boats were also with Him. 37 And a great windstorm arose, and the waves beat into the boat, so that it was already filling. 38 But He was in the stern, asleep on a pillow. And they awoke Him and said to Him, “Teacher, do You not care that we are perishing?”

Most of this is context.

However, context is king.

Several things to point out.

First, they are in the boat because Jesus said to be there.

Second, there is wind, big waves, and water in the boat.

Third, Jesus is sleeping through it all.

That’s the context.

In this situation, the disciples come to Jesus.

Notice carefully what they say.

“Teacher, do You not care that we are perishing?”

This is an accusation.

This is an attack on the character of Jesus!

You don’t care about us!

Normally, an attack on our character causes us to respond in kind.

Has anyone else found this to be true?

How we word things is very important.

In confrontation, it is important to avoid trigger phrases.

What do I mean?

“You always”, “You never”, “You don’t care”.

Trigger phrases are words said that trigger a negative reaction in others.

These phrases are not helpful.

These phrases are not true.

The second you use an always or never phrase, the other person is thinking of times that statement isn’t true.

The result is, you’ve already lost them.

The conversation is basically over at this point.

It is so much better to use feeling words.

“Jesus, we are afraid. The storm is really bad and it feels like you don’t care.”

Now, there is a second side to this.

No matter how someone approaches you, you control your response.

Here’s what I mean.

Jesus doesn’t negatively react to their negative emotions.

They are attacking his character!

Jesus does not respond in kind.

I would be tempted to say, what are you talking about?

You think I don’t care?! I came here to die for you!

How dare you accuse me of not caring!

Jesus doesn’t do that.

What does Jesus do?

That’s where we are headed.

But first, some application.

How we address our spouse, friends, and children will determine how the conversation goes.

How we react even when others speak unkindly is the second determining factor.

Here is what we need to remember.

Even in confrontation, the goal is communication.

Repeat.

Confront carefully.

Even when others confront harshly, we choose to respond with grace.

4 ingredients necessary for careful confrontation.

Ingredient #1: Respond Don’t React.

Ingredient #2…

Handle The Crisis v. 39

Mark 4:39 NKJV

39 Then He arose and rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, “Peace, be still!” And the wind ceased and there was a great calm.

Oftentimes confrontation is caused by crisis.

This can be either an internal crisis (think emotional or spiritual) or an external crisis (think financial or physical).

When beset by internal or external pressures we are tempted to respond negatively.

Responding with grace and faith in a crisis is a skill we learn over time.

Guess how and when we learn it.

That’s right.

We learn to respond correctly to crisis by facing crisis.

Here’s the situation, we know from the context that the disciples are facing a crisis.

Their response to the crisis is to accuse Jesus of not caring about them.

Jesus doesn’t argue with them!

This is very important, what does He do?

Jesus handles the crisis first.

If you are in a confrontation and it is being caused by a crisis, do everything you can to deal with the crisis first.

Many times dealing with the crisis will defuse the confrontation.

Now. This is assuming that we have the first ingredient in place.

We have responded, not reacted.

If we reacted and blew up, then we now have two different crisis situations to deal with.

Don’t compound the problem.

Let’s think about some examples.

Clothes.

“I don’t have any clothes to wear! You never wash my clothes!”

Deep breath. Respond don’t react.

Handle the crisis. “Let’s find some clean clothes.”

“I don’t have anything to wear. You never get me new clothes.”

We’ve all had those conversations where the problem isn’t the problem, right?

That’s what is happening here with the disciples.

It’s not that they really think Jesus doesn’t care, its that they are scared.

Now that Jesus has handled the crisis, He can address what’s really going on.

Here’s what we need to remember.

Sometimes, the problem is underneath what’s being said.

Repeat.

We get to what’s underneath only if we have done these other things well.

If we react, the reaction becomes the crisis we are dealing with and we never get to what’s underneath, what’s driving all of this.

4 ingredients necessary for careful confrontation.

Ingredient #1: Respond Don’t React.

Ingredient #2: Handle The Crisis

Ingredient #3…

Adjust The Focus v. 40

Mark 4:40 NKJV

40 But He said to them, “Why are you so fearful? How is it that you have no faith?”

Jesus didn’t react to their confrontation.

He didn’t react to the accusation.

He dealt with the crisis.

Now Jesus is turning the tables a little bit.

He is trying to help them identify what is going on inside.

Jesus, very graciously and lovingly, confronts those who were confronting Him.

Jesus confronts by causing them to look inward.

While I would not recommend telling someone they have little faith, it is appropriate for both parties to look inward to see what part they played in causing the issue.

“Why are you so fearful?”

This is the heart issue.

This is why they were lashing out at Jesus!

“Jesus you don’t care!”

The problem was a heart of fear.

To communicate well, we have to get past the surface.

We need to adjust our focus from behavior to the deeper needs.

I cannot see what is going on inside of you, you cannot see what’s going on inside of me.

Because that is true…

Our first area of focus must be our own heart.

repeat

That’s what Jesus leads them to do here.

Don’t diagnose others, deal with yourself first.

Only after we have done that can we move to our 4th ingredient.

4 ingredients necessary for careful confrontation.

Ingredient #1: Respond Don’t React.

Ingredient #2: Handle The Crisis

Ingredient #3: Adjust The Focus.

Ingredient #4…

Reach The Heart v. 41

Mark 4:41 NKJV

41 And they feared exceedingly, and said to one another, “Who can this be, that even the wind and the sea obey Him!”

Jesus’ question at the end of v. 40 gets to the real issue.

Faith is the issue.

Their lack of faith manifested in fear.

Bottom line?

The disciples failed to trust Jesus.

What’s interesting here in v. 41 is that fear is mentioned again.

This time, however, it is a reverence for the power of Christ.

This was the real issue that needed to be addressed!

This is what Jesus was getting to.

They needed to trust Jesus.

They needed to say no to fear because they had faith in the power of Christ!

This is what we want to do in confrontation.

We want to get to the heart.

We cannot get to the heart if there is a storm on the surface.

When someone comes to us saying something like what the disciples say to Jesus here, it is an indication of a deeper issue.

Rather than react to what has been said, try to lovingly inquire about the deeper need.

Questions are powerful tools.

We would do well to emulate our Lord. Ask questions.

Why is this important?

Communication, at its core, is about sharing ourselves.

If we do not deal with deep issues, we end up blocking parts of ourselves off.

Picture it like this.

Communication, when you first get to know someone, is like a wide empty field.

Then, as you are talking, you hit a landmine.

So you think to yourself, that’s okay, I just won’t step there.

So you walk over here. Then you hit another landmine.

That’s okay. I’ll just mark that spot, and not step there either.

The problem is, you keep hitting landmines.

Not always the same ones, but you keep hitting them.

Pretty soon your wide open field has only a few places left to step.

Some of us have relationships like this.

We have all these landmines we are trying to avoid.

And the trouble is, it’s exhausting. It’s wearing us down because we always have to be worried about where we step, what we say, how we say it. We are constantly on edge waiting for the next explosion.

That is not the picture Scripture gives us of the relationships we are supposed to have.

What’s the solution?

Reach the heart.

Don’t avoid the landmines, defuse them.

We need to work through the underlying issues that are causing the landmines.

The goal of confrontation is connection, growth, and change.

repeat

For that to happen we must get past the surface and deal with the heart.

CHALLENGE:

I will both initiate and respond to confrontation carefully.