Trouble in Paradise - Song of Songs 5:2-6:10

Introduction

The story of Jesus is a jarring one if you’ve never heard it before. Throughout, it defies expectations. The Son of God is born on to the earth, but the king wants to kill him. He teaches how people can be brought into the kingdom of God, and He heals blind people, sick people, and paralyzed people to show them how good his kingdom will be. And, they take him to the county line, and tell him not to come back. He teaches people to love God with all of their hearts, mind, and strength, and to love their neighbors as their selves. And, the priests hate him for it. But, perhaps, nothing is so jarring as the seen of passion week. On Sunday, Jesus rides into Jerusalem on a donkey, invoking thoughts of being the Son of David. When David was anointing his son, Solomon, as king, he had Solomon ride through Jerusalem on his mule, his beast of burden, identifying him as the true king. So, Jesus rides into Jerusalem on the week of Passover, and the Galileans that are with him cut palm branches and lay them on the street before him. They begin shouting, “Hosanna to the Son of David! Hosanna in the highest!” And, if you’re reading this story for the first time it seems that the protagonist is finally getting his due. But, by Friday, there would be another frenzied crowd in the same city, and they would be shouting, “Crucify him! Crucify him!” It’s so jarring it’ll break your neck.

Passion week reminds us of how fickle our relationships with sinners can be. In fact, like Jesus, we can love people with all of our hearts, and we can still be terribly hurt by them. It’s jarring how quickly a relationship can sour, isn’t it? It’s jarring how quickly the honeymoon can end.

God’s Word

Last week, as we looked at the Song of Songs, we left our young couple on their honeymoon. Remember what we said about the Song of Songs. It’s an album of love songs meant to tell an idyllic version of Solomon’s marriage to his Shulammite bride. And, the whole song is arranged so that it reaches its crescendo at 5:1 (the literal middle verse of the entire song) when the marriage is consummated physically between the new husband and the new bride. So, the first half is building up to that moment and the second half is digressing from it. So, this morning, we look at that digression, and we see a picture I think all of you will be able to relate to. That brings us to the third scene and question of the three dreamy scenes that ask three hard questions (headline):

What if my “dream” doesn’t “last”?

We saw a nervous bride comforted by her assuring husband — pointing us to the secure love we have in Christ.

What if “Eden” is just a “dream”?

We saw that wholesome desire leads to shameless delight — a mysterious glimpse of Eden even now.

What if my “dream” is a “nightmare?”

Trouble in Paradise

Song of Solomon 5:2-7 “I slept, but my heart was awake. A sound! My beloved is knocking. “Open to me, my sister, my love, my dove, my perfect one, for my head is wet with dew, my locks with the drops of the night.” I had put off my garment; how could I put it on? I had bathed my feet; how could I soil them? My beloved put his hand to the latch, and my heart was thrilled within me. I arose to open to my beloved, and my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with liquid myrrh, on the handles of the bolt. I opened to my beloved, but my beloved had turned and gone. My soul failed me when he spoke. I sought him, but found him not; I called him, but he gave no answer. The watchmen found me as they went about in the city; they beat me, they bruised me, they took away my veil, those watchmen of the walls.”

Every honeymoon ends. Marriage is wonderful, but even the best marriage is painful. So, the next song in the album that plays is entitled, “Trouble in Paradise.” We have another dream following the honeymoon that is similar to the one we saw in chapter 3. And, just like chapter 3, it’s more of a nightmare for the bride than it is a dream. “(She) slept, but (her) heart was awake. The Shulammite had cooked dinner and set the table and lit the candles and turned on the music, and everything was just right. And, she anxiously awaited her new husband to come home. And, she waited and she waited and she waited. Dinner got cold, she ate alone, and then she went to bed. That’s when Prince Charming finally decided to come home from a long day of ruling and judgements, and he is looking forward to snuggling in with his woman. And, what does he find? He finds a locked door. I’m sure there’s no one here who can relate. Solomon knocks on the door, and sweet talks his bride. “Rapunzel, Rapunel let down your hair!” “My beloved/sister/love/dove/perfect one” I’ve been working hard (“for my head is wet with dew (after midnight)”), and being with you is what I’ve been thinking about all day. And, how does she respond? “I’d have to get up AND put on my robe AND slippers....It’s a whole big thing. I’m tired, and I have a headache.” Quickly, she changes her mind, but when she goes to open the door, he’s left already. We’re in conflict here, and it’s over one of the issues couple fight about most often — sex.

A Pattern of Conflict

There’s a clear pattern that we see here of how they ended up in conflict, and it’s one that I find is common in my marriage and among those I’m close to. First, I want you to notice that we had two good-willed people here. By good-willed, what I mean is that we have two people here who want to be good with one another and who had no intention of causing conflict. This is where most conflicts begin. They don’t usually start out of meanness, but misunderstanding, miscommunication, or even sinful mistakes, but not meanness — though over enough painful years in can deteriorate into that. But, you’ll notice that the husband comes to his bride gently — that the picture painted by those five gushy pet names he calls her by. Perhaps, he knows he may have hurt her, or perhaps, he’s oblivious like many young husbands, but he comes to her gently and kindly. We see good will in her as well. The implications of her saying “I had put off” is that she had been dressed for him, but now got tired and gave up. Further, we see how quickly and easily she is won back over to him in verse 5, but he’s already gone. She wants to be right with her husband. These are two good willed people who care about each other.

So, how do they end up hurt and apart? That’s the next part of the pattern: they both had unmet expectations. James tells us in chapter 4 that our anger and conflicts are the result of us wanting something and not receiving it. We can certainly see that here, can’t we? The bride wanted her husband to spend time with her before midnight and to romance her, and the husband wanted his bride to wait up for him and be excited to see him. But, neither of those expectations is met. A lot of the conflict among good-willed couples can be boiled down to unmet expectations. You don’t talk like you expected, and he doesn’t help around the house like you expected, or she doesn’t appreciate you the way you expected. If you find yourself in ongoing conflict with one another or if you find yourself always battling internal resentment and anger toward your spouse, a good question to ask is: What am I wanting that I’m not getting? What expectations do I have that aren’t being met? Then, it’s worth wondering on one hand: Does my husband/wife even know what I expect or want?

And, on the other hand, it’s also asking: Is my expectation selfish and self-serving? Essentially, that’s what we see in our couple here. That’s the next common step in the pattern: a selfishness cycle. Nothing is more fatal to a marriage than selfishness. We see that in our groom, don’t we? Every experienced husband could’ve told you this wasn’t going to go well. He doesn’t spend time with his wife or talk with her or romance her, but he expects her to operate after midnight on his schedule — selfishness. But, the Shulammite responds in kind. She dramatizes how much trouble it is, and tantalizes him through the locked door that she is undressed beneath the sheets — selfish. They’ve entered into a cycle where selfishness meets selfishness. Both people are concerned with their own expectations. Both people are worried about what they didn’t get. Both people are responding so that they can make their point. They’ve made it so that their whole universe revolves around themselves. It’s no longer about the marriage it’s about me.

Nobody Gets What They Want

Song of Solomon 5:7 “The watchmen found me as they went about in the city; they beat me, they bruised me, they took away my veil, those watchmen of the walls.”

When selfishness meets selfishness, frustration turns to distance, and if we’re not careful, distance can turn to resentment. Think of the responses here: the wife had wanted to be with her husband all day, and then she stonewalls him when he gets home. The husband had wanted to enjoy his wife all day, but then he withdraws from her when she comes to him. Who here gets what they want? Nobody!!! When selfishness meets selfishness, nobody wins, and the natural outcome is relational distance. In fact, the Bride says that she says, “The watchmen…beat me, the bruised me.” That is, her stonewalling didn’t make her feel better, but worse. She feels guilty and shameful for responding as she did. Is your marriage the result of two good-willed people growing apart because of a cycle of selfishness and unmet expectations? Maybe it’s a friendship? My goodness, stop doubling down and stonewalling. Stop dwelling on how you’ve been failed and withdrawing. That’s not working! It’s not helping you or them! It only leads to guilt, shame, and distance. Recognize that you’re not center of the universe so that you can be right with Jesus, and when you’re right with Jesus, when you’re living the selfless, crucified life, you can move toward being right with your spouse.

Resentment or Reconciliation?

Song of Solomon 5:8-6:3 “I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, if you find my beloved, that you tell him I am sick with love. What is your beloved more than another beloved, O most beautiful among women? What is your beloved more than another beloved, that you thus adjure us? My beloved is radiant and ruddy, distinguished among ten thousand. His head is the finest gold; his locks are wavy, black as a raven. His eyes are like doves beside streams of water, bathed in milk, sitting beside a full pool. His cheeks are like beds of spices, mounds of sweet-smelling herbs. His lips are lilies, dripping liquid myrrh. His arms are rods of gold, set with jewels. His body is polished ivory, bedecked with sapphires. His legs are alabaster columns, set on bases of gold. His appearance is like Lebanon, choice as the cedars. His mouth is most sweet, and he is altogether desirable. This is my beloved and this is my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem. Where has your beloved gone, O most beautiful among women? Where has your bel…”

You have to make a decision between two paths this morning: resentment or reconciliation. Remain selfish and frustrated in your separate corners, and the greatest romance will end in resentment. But, if you refuse, if you get over yourself and go after them, then resentment can be avoided or even overcome. That’s what the Shulammite does. She’s not going to let her frustration grow into resentment. She’s going to take responsibility for closing the distance. She turns to her maidens, and she says, “We’ve got to find him! Help me find him! We can’t stay like this!” Isn’t it interesting that she sought help? It’s often the wife that seeks help, but if you need it, why wouldn’t you? This is your beloved we’re talking about. And, look what the maidens draw out of her through their question! They draw out of her exactly what she needs to remember about her husband, and exactly what she needs to say to her husband. She isn’t just moving toward him physically but also emotionally. The maidens are helping her to see through the hurt and frustration so that she can really see him and minister to him again.

He’s an honorable man (v. 10). She recognizes a charisma in her husband. He has the admiration of his subjects and colleagues. In a crowded room of impressive men, she sees him as the most impressive. I’ve often heard men say that they are far more appreciated and valued at work than they are at home. They go to work and feel respected, but at home feel rejected. But, many wives don’t intend that. They admire their husbands, but fail to tell them. She remembers that about her husband, and she intends to tell him.

He’s a desirable lover (v. 11-16a). Men are far more sensitive about their desirability than they want you to know. She knows Solomon must not have felt very desirable when she turned him away. But, as she thinks of him, she thinks of what a man of gentle, peaceful character he is (v. 12). She remembers how sweet and pleasant his natural demeanor is (v. 13). And, dog gone it, he’s handsome and strong and virile (v. 14-15). He’s desirable in every way (v. 16)!! She knows that, but does he? Does your husband feel desired by you? You’re the only one on this earth that can give him that security and confidence.

He’s an enjoyable friend (v. 16b). Where she lands may be the sweetest yet! This isn’t just a lover; this is her best friend! Where would she be without her best friend? Who else would she look forward to spending such time with? A study was done several years back of couples who were married more than 50 years. All different backgrounds, socio-economic levels, but they found one common theme. Almost to a couple they said: “He/she is my best friend.”

So, she finds him and goes to him (6:2) because she knows who he is, and she wants him to know what she thinks. Wives, will you go to your husband this morning? Man, this gets to the heart of the issue. These are what your husbands need to hear from you. That he’s an honorable man, a desirable lover, and an enjoyable friend. You may know it, but will you go to him so he will know it?

Response: Intimacy or Reconciliation

Song of Solomon 6:4-6:10 “You are beautiful as Tirzah, my love, lovely as Jerusalem, awesome as an army with banners. Turn away your eyes from me, for they overwhelm me— Your hair is like a flock of goats leaping down the slopes of Gilead. Your teeth are like a flock of ewes that have come up from the washing; all of them bear twins; not one among them has lost its young. Your cheeks are like halves of a pomegranate behind your veil. There are sixty queens and eighty concubines, and virgins without number. My dove, my perfect one, is the only one, the only one of her mother, pure to her who bore her. The young women saw her and called her blessed; the queens and concubines also, and they praised her. “Who is this who looks down like the dawn, beautiful as the moon, bright as the sun, awesome as an army with banners?””

She finds him in the garden, but the question shifts to: how will he respond? It takes two people to reconcile. In a relationship at different times, one will be the pursuer and the other the receiver, but it requires two committed, good-willed people to be reconciled. What we see here is the reversal of the cycle. Earlier, he acted selfishly, and she responded selfishly. Now, she acts selflessly, and he responds selflessly. Selfishness begets selfishness with any sinner. But, among good-willed, Christ-honoring people, selflessness begets selflessness. He builds her up just as she does him:

She’s irresistible (v. 4-7). Notice verse 4 in particular. He recognizes that she is beautiful and lovely on one hand, and she is awesome and provoking on the other (“awesome as an army with banners”). She is outwardly beautiful and inwardly strong. He’s attracted to her body and character. It’s the total package that he adores and is drawn to. Your wife needs to know that she’s the apple of your eye. She needs to know that you find her physically attractive, but she also needs to know that you love and are captivated by who she is and her character. That means, she doesn’t just need you to show interest at bedtime; she needs you to show interest at dinner time and bath time and leisure time.

She’s incomparable (v. 8-9). There are 140 other women that the world thinks it beautiful, but none of them compare favorably to his beloved. She is the ONE who is perfect for him. Brothers, our wives feel constantly measured by everyone in the world in a way we aren’t. I need you to feel that. Their motherhood is evaluated in a way our fatherhood isn’t. Just reality. Their beauty is measured in a way our attractiveness isn’t. Every ad and film and fashion trend is telling them of a comparison. So, many of them feel like failures all the time. But, you know her. You know who she is. You know what she does. She has to know that she’s your one. That she’s a success to you. That there’s no model on TV that can compare favorably with her. Understand, that’s why porn hurts so bad. That’s why your flirting hurts so bad. She has to know she’s the one that satisfies you.

She’s breathtaking (v. 10). Think about “dawns/moons/sunrises”. You see them, and they take your breath way. They take your mind galaxies away. They refresh you. And, you never grow tired of them. The sun will set every day of your life, and yet you’ll still gaze upon it as a matter of reflex. Your wife is a celestial gift to you in a similar way, and she needs to hear it. You need to gaze upon her so that your breath can be taken away again. She needs to know that she has the security of knowing that you’ll never grow tired of her. Husbands, many of your wives think that you’re bored with them. They don’t think you care about what happened to them on any given day. Brothers, don’t you see what a gift God has given to you? It’s a gift like the fresh mercies of dawn every morning. It’s a gift like a faithful rising sun. It’s a gift like the guiding light of a full moon.

So, the when the couple both responded selfishly, neither of them got what they wanted or needed. But, what we see is that when they respond selflessly they both get what they want. It’s interesting in the Bible how often it comes up that living comes by dying and dying comes by living, isn’t it? That’s the path of reconciliation. It’s turning toward when it’s easier to turn away. It’s focusing on the other person, when you want to focus on yourself. And, there’s never been a conflict that two self-denying people couldn’t overcome.

A Repentant Bride Received by a Gracious Groom

And, there’s a picture of the gospel in that for us. Some of you don’t have a good-willed husband or wife that is willing to reconcile. Some of you don’t have a husband or wife at all. But, you aren’t left in the cold. You see, Jesus is the gracious groom who will always receive a repentant bride. In fact, you don’t have to go seeking him; He came seeking you. He’s ready and willing to be reconciled today. He’s ready to hold you close and comfort you. He’s inviting you to know the security of his love. With him, you find the one relationship that isn’t fickle.