To Have and Hold

To Have and

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To Hold

Understanding God’s Plan for Marriage

Lesson Syllabus

Class 1 Introduction/Meet the Teachers

Class 2 The “Already”-Wed Game

The Gospel in Marriage

Class 3 The Marriage Relationship: God’s Design for Marriage

Class 4 The Marriage Relationship: Can We Talk? (Communication)

Class 5 The Marriage Relationship: Money; What is it for/How to blend it?

Class 6 The Marriage Relationship: Finances; Savings/Future Planning

Class 7 The Marriage Relationship: Sex

Class 8 The Marriage Relationship: Infidelity and Divorce

Class 9 The Marriage Relationship: Handling Conflict (Part 1) (Holidays)

Class 10 The Marriage Relationship: Handling Conflict (Part 2) (Family)

Class 11 The Marriage Relationship: Parenting

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Class 1:

Who are We?

Meet the Bradley’s

Meet the Echols

Who are You?

Where are you from?

How did you meet?

How long have you been married?

How long have you known each other?

Anything special to know?

Review Syllabus

What to expect.

Lets have fun, but learn the Bible.

Class 2 The “Already”-Wed Game

The Gospel in Marriage

The “Alreadywed” Game

1. What is their favorite color? ________________ 2. What is their favorite food? ______________ 3. What is their favorite drink? ______________ 4. What is their favorite book? ______________ 5. What is their favorite song or type of music? _______________ 6. What is their favorite movie genre? _______________ 7. What is their favorite movie or TV show? ___________________ 8. Who is their favorite actor/actress? _________________ 9. Where were they born? ____________________________

10. What were their parent(s)’ name? __________________

11. Did they have siblings? _____________ If so, how many? ________

12. Did they attend college? _____

13. What was their major? ____________________

14. Did they have pets growing up? _________

15. How many boy/girlfriends did they have before you? _______

16. What is their hometown? _______________________

17. Do they cook?______ Specialty? _________________

18. How is the better manager of money? ________________

19. How long have you been married? ___________

20. What did you do on your first date?

21. What is their idea of a perfect date/night together?

The Gospel and Marriage

Jeremiah 17:9

“The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately sick; who can understand it?” ESV

Romans 3:23

“For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.” NKJV

“For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard.” NLT

What do these verses say about you personally?

What do they say about your spouse?

How does your marriage reflect the truth of these verses?

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Romans 6:23

“For the wages (payoff) of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” ESV

Ephesians 2:8-9

“For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.” ESV

What is God’s free gift?

Have you received God’s gift? Has your spouse? If not, why not?

If your spouse has not received God’s gift, have you extended this gift to them? If so, what were the results? If not, how can you start?

Class 3 The Marriage Relationship: God’s Design for Marriage

God’s Designs for Marriage

Marriage was created by God. It is His institution. God designed marriage to serve three purposes. In this study, we hope to uncover what those three reasons were.

Purpose #1: ___________________

18 Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.” 19 Out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the sky, and brought them to the man to see what he would call them; and whatever the man called a living creature, that was its name. 20 The man gave names to all the cattle, and to the birds of the sky, and to every beast of the field, but for Adam there was not found a helper suitable for him. 21 So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place. 22 The Lord God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man.

23The man said,

“This is now bone of my bones, And flesh of my flesh;

She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man.”

24 For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. 25 And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

From these verses, what do we see as God’s first intent for marriage?

How do you see your spouse in this light?

God created man as a relational being. Primarily, it was so he could relate to Him. How does verse 25 enhance mankind’s ability to relate to their spouses? To God?

Have you been able to be “naked and unashamed” with your spouse and has that helped or hindered your relationship? How?

Purpose #2: ________________________

27 God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. 28 God blessed them; and God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it; and rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”

The second intent God has for marriage is revealed in Genesis 1:28. Here, God gave man two commands. What were they?

The second command some would argue was ceded to the devil when Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit. Yet, the primary command still remains. Why is it important that we be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth?

What about couples who do not have children, are they living in disobedience to God?

Why it is important that children be born and raised within the confines of a marital relationship?

2For I am jealous for you with a godly jealousy; for I betrothed you to one husband, so that to Christ I might present you as a pure virgin. – 2 Corinthians 11:2

7 Let us rejoice and be glad and give the glory to Him, for the marriage of the Lamb has come and His bride has made herself ready.” 8 It was given to her to clothe herself in fine linen, bright and clean; for the fine linen is the righteous acts of the saints. – Revelation 19:7-8

2And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, made ready as a bride adorned for her husband. –Revelation 21:2

Purpose #3: ________________________________

According to these verses, what would be God’s third intention for marriage?

Thinking of a marriage ceremony of today, how is it similar to the verses here?

How does your marriage reflect the Gospel?

Class 4: The Marriage Relationship: Communication

According to most surveys, the leading causes of divorce include: Sex (infidelity), money, and communication (of the lack thereof). While surveys disagree on what is the number one cause of divorce, most experts agree it is money. The primary reason why money is by far the biggest contributor to divorce is the lack of it (though having too much can also be a problem, too). Marriage is stressful enough without having to pile on the added stress of not having enough money to cover your bills.

The next most common cause is sex. The issue here is either not enough or too much—leading one person’s expectations to be crushed. This can lead to infidelity. Though sexual frustration is only one cause for infidelity, infidelity in general is a major cause of divorce.

Finally, there is communication. There are different types of communication issues: bad communication or lack of communication. We will take a deep look at each and see what the Bible says about how we are to communicate with our spouses.

Over the next Five weeks, we will examine these marital hotspots.

Can We Talk? (The Tongue)

Communication is important in any relationship. However, people are so busy, they do not have time for each other anymore. Or they spend so much time at work talking to people that when they come home, they just want to veg and check out. Perhaps, we are too busy with our electronic gadgets, engaged in other activities, or watching the idiot box to spend time in meaningful communication with our spouse. In the end, we find that we have grown apart. The danger is that one day you will look over at your spouse and realize you no longer know him or her. There is hope. Here are some things you can do to help keep your communication open.

Curing Negative Communication

Read the following verses. What do these verses say about our speech?

Ephesians 4:25, 29, and 31

Colossians 3:8

Proverbs 11:13

Proverbs 15:1

What does James 3:1-12 tell us about the tongue? What power does it have?

How can it enhance or ruin a marriage?

How can we bless our spouse with our communication? How can we not?

Enhancing Positive Communication

Think back on the time when you were first dating, what types of things did you talk about?

Reflect on your marriage now, what types of things do you talk about now?

On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being great, how would you rate your communication?

How can you improve communication between you and your spouse? What are some practical things you can do or stop doing?

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Class 5 The Marriage Relationship: Money

What is it for and how do you blend it?

MONEY: Debt

Make sure that your character is free from the love of money, being content with what you have; for He Himself has said, “I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you…(Hebrews 13:5)”

“And you shall remember the Lord your God, for it is He who gives you power to get wealth, that He may establish His covenant which He swore to your fathers, as it is this day (Deut. 8:18).

A good man leaves an inheritance to his children’s children, But the wealth of the sinner is stored up for the righteous (Proverbs 13:22).

Which of these verses most speak to you and why?

What is money’s place in your life/marriage?

What do these verses say to you about what money’s place should be in your life and marriage?

Read Psalms 24:1, 50:10-12 and Haggai 2:8

What do these verses tell us about the ownership of wealth?

Read Matthew 25:14-30

What, then, is our role?

How should a faithful servant use money?

Psalm 112:5

Proverbs 22:7

Luke 6:34-35

Do you have a family budget?

Do you stick to it?

Practical Money Management

If debt is an issue for your family, there are many ways to get debt relief.

Pay down the debt

Settle the debt with the creditor

Consolidate the debt

HELOC

The secret to debt freedom is to spend less than you make!

Your income needs to EXCEED your expenses.

Blending your Money

Budgeting Tips

· Pay Tithes first (Proverbs 3:9-10)

· Pay yourself (Put a percentage in a saving account)

· Pay essentials (Rent/Mortgage, utilities)

· Pay important debt (car note, car insurance)

· Pay other debt (credit cards)

· Budget for household expenditures, toiletries, personal grooming/personal care

· Budget for personal use (if possible). Put cash in an envelope. Once it is gone, it’s gone.

· Attached is a budget spreadsheet. If you wish to have an Excel version of this spreadsheet, please let me know and I can email it to you.

Class 6 The Marriage Relationship: Finances

Savings and future planning

MONEY: Finances

Money Questions to Prayerfully Consider and Discuss:

1. Discuss your thoughts on:

a. Buying on Credit, using credit cards, etc.?

b. Tithes and offerings

c. Saving and Investing

d. How much should go towards amusement, entertainment, hobbies?

e. How much should be spent on clothes, cars? Cash or credit?

2. How do you feel about you or your spouse having a job that requires you to work evenings, weekends, and holidays, taking time away from the family?

3. Men: How do you feel about your spouse working outside the home?

4. Who will pay the bills and manage the accounts?

5. What are your thoughts on joint or separate checking accounts? If joint, what about accountability?

6. How often should you eat out?

7. What steps are you taking to save for retirement/old age?

What about the Future:

Children

College

Retirement

Vacations

Where do you and your spouse differ in your financial perspectives? These areas may be causes for contention within the relationship.

Pray and search the scriptures for the right answers. If you cannot come to the answers you need, South Tulsa offers Biblical counseling free of charge.

Class 7 The Marriage Relationship: Sex

Sex is one of the basic needs and desires God has given man. It is also one that has become greatly distorted by man. Sex has gone from being an intimate expression of love between and husband and his wife to being expressions of perversion. Yet, God created the sexual experience for a purpose. In this lesson, we will look at that purpose and how that express can he abused in the marital relationship.

The Marriage Relationship

Read Genesis 1:26-28, 2:21-25.

According to the passage, what was God’s intention for sexual union?

Read Genesis 19:1-5, 31-38, 34:1-2.

What sexual perversions do you see in these passages?

Why is sex outside of marriage not a good thing?

Sex and Marriage

Now concerning the things about which you wrote, it is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2 But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband. 3 The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 But this I say by way of concession, not of command. –1 Corinthians 7:1-6

According to the Apostle Paul, what role should sex not play in your marriage?

Who has authority over their bodies?

When is it permissible to withhold sex? (3 Conditions)

Class 8 The Marriage Relationship: Infidelity and Divorce

The Marriage Bed

Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge. –Hebrews 13:4

How can the marriage bed become defiled?

How can infidelity be avoided?

What is the main cause of infidelity? (For help, read Jeremiah 17:9, Romans 3:23)

Define forgiveness

Is infidelity forgivable?

Can a marriage survive infidelity? (For help, read Matthew 6:9-15)

Can trust be rebuilt? If so, how?

Marriage andDivorce

Read Matthew 19:1-9

What does Jesus have to say about marriage and divorce?

Should divorce be part of a Christian’s vocabulary?

Why does God allow divorce?

Read 1 Corinthians 7:10-11. What does the Bible say about divorce?

Why then do so many Christian couples get divorced?

On what two grounds can a person get a biblical divorce?

Class 9 The Marriage Relationship: Handling Conflict (Part 1)

The Marital Relationship: Handling Conflict

What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.” James 4:1-3

Some say that the source of most arguments are unmet expectations. You expected one thing but got another. These expectations are usually unspoken or not communicated to the other person. What are some expectations you had of your spouse that they did not meet? Did they know they were expectations?

How could the above unmet expectation(s) have been avoided?

Thankfulness/Gratitude

Read the following verses. What do they mean to you or how you can apply them to your life and to your marriage?

Psalm 105:1-6

Psalm 138

Romans 1:21

Ephesians 1:16

Ephesians 5:20

Colossians 3:15-18

1 Thessalonians 5:18

I have found from personal experience that counting your blessings is a great way to overcome anger and bitterness.

Now write some things that you are thankful for that your spouse has done?

Biblical Submission

Read Genesis 3:16. God established a familial hierarchy. What does this verse say about it?

Read John 19:9-11 and Philippians 2:5-11. What do these verses say about submission?

Read Ephesians 5:18-33 and 1 Peter 3:1-7

How are wives to treat their husbands?

Wives, how do you see yourself living out these verses? Where do you see areas of improvement?

How are husbands to treat their wives?

Husbands, how do you see yourself living out these verses? Where do you see areas of improvement?

Class 10 The Marriage Relationship: Handling Conflict (Part 2)

Boundaries: What to do to Protect Your Marriage

When are you in danger?

Respect your Spouse.

Combining Family: Issues will Arise

Holidays

Input

External Friends/Hobbies

When do good things become bad?

How to recognize the issue.

Class 11 The Marriage Relationship: Parenting

Parenting

Psalms 127:3 says that children are a heritage (inheritance) from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a {is his} reward. Children are a blessing from God. A parent is a special person because he and/or she was chosen by God to be a caretaker of a life, a human soul. If you think about it, that is a tremendous responsibility. For not only is a parent responsible for providing for the physical needs of the child, they are also responsible for providing for the emotional and spiritual needs. One day, the parents will be called into account for how they met that responsibility.

We do not own anything in this world. Children are included. Children are in the possession of the parents, but they are not property of the parents. Each person, child or adult, belongs to the Lord. The parent is mere the caregiver, the manager or steward of the child. They do not own the child. I know some parents may have the Bill Cosby mentality: “I brought you into this world and I’ll take you out”, but that is totally untrue. You did not bring them into the world (God did) and you cannot take them out (only God can). So, not the child is not yours to do with as you please. Nor are they yours through which to live vicariously. God has a plan and a purpose for each life and your responsibility as a parent is to help them achieve them.

As a parent, you are responsible to 1) lead your child towards physical and emotional maturity by providing security and nourishment; and 2) provide spiritual discipleship leading them to become worshippers of God.

Parental Obligation

Proverbs 22:6— “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.”

This is a familiar passage regarding child rearing. There has be discussion on what it means. It is a promise or a principle? Does it mean the child will not depart from the teaching or the teaching will not depart from the child? Could be either or both. However, the parent’s responsibility is to do all they can and leave the results to God.

To “train up” has the connotation of instruction and modeling, classroom and hands on. When you train on your job, you are given instruction and are shown what to do. This is true in life, parents are to teach their children and they are to model for their children that which they have taught them. Otherwise, the teaching is in vain because the actions will teach more than any words spoken.

Discipling Your Child

Deuteronomy 6:4-9-- “Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.[b] 5 You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. 6 And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. 7 You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. 8 You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. 9 You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.”

How do these verses say you are to disciple your child?

We do not use frontlets nor do we write scripture on our doorposts and gates, but what other practical ways can we carry out these commandments?

According to verses 5 and 6, what are the prerequisites for this type of discipleship?

Modeling Christian Living for Your Child

1 John 2:15-17— “Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. 16 For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life[c]—is not from the Father but is from the world. 17 And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever.”

What does it mean to ‘love the world’?

What does this passage say about loving the world and the things in it?

How do parents model ‘loving the world’ before their children?

How do they model loving God?

Which do you do more of?

Read Joshua 7

Why did Achan do? Why was this a sin?

Why did God kill Achan and his family?

Read Psalms 37:28; 102:28

What do these verses say about the children of the righteous?

Disciplining Your Child

Proverbs 22:15— “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.”

What does the Bible say is bound up in the heart of a child? What does this mean?

What does the Bible give as the cure? How can we apply this in our “anti-corporal punishment” world?

Ephesians 6:4— “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

How can a father (parent) provoke their child(ren) to anger?

How can we train our children in the chastisement and instruction of the Lord?

Appendix A

For Additional Study I

22 Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. 24 But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. 28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; 29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, 30 because we are members of His body. 31 For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. 32 This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.

(Questions in pink: Women. Questions in blue: Men. Questions in black: Both.)

According to verse 22, to whom are women to be subject?

Using a dictionary or other source, define “subject” and “submission” and what does this mean to you?

Read Romans 13:1 and 1 Corinthians 15:27-28. What does the Bible say about being in subjection?

How is “being subject to their own husbands” lived out today?

According to verse 25, how are husbands to treat their wives?

Who is the example of this behavior?

The word ‘love’ in English is far broader than the word used in Greek. In Greek the word is agape. Using a dictionary or other source, define “agape” and what does this mean to you in relation to your spouse? How do you live this out in your daily life?

Using Christ’s example in Ephesians 5:25-27, how can we “love our wives as Christ loved the church?”

Read Job 2:9-10; 1 Corinthians 7:3, 5, 14:35, 1 Timothy 5:8, and 1 Peter 3:7-8. What additional responsibilities do you see a husband has towards his wife?

Are you fulfilling these responsibilities now? If not, ask God to make them a priority in your marriage.

Read Genesis 18:6, Proverbs 31:13-31, 1 Peter 3:1-8, and Titus 2:4-5. List some of the duties of a wife you see. Are these reflected in your life? If so, how? If not, what will you change to so that they can be?

Questions for reflection: What are a godly husband’s responsibilities to his wife? What does the Bible mean when it says the husband is the head of the wife? What is involved in being the manager of a home? How can you know and fulfill your wife’s needs? How can you develop a deep friendship with your wife? How can a husband provide leadership without demeaning or quenching his wife’s initiative and creativity? How can a husband help his wife grow in her God-given potential? (Mack, 1986)

Questions for reflection: What are the woman’s God-given responsibilities to her husband? What does it mean for the wife to be her husband’s helper? How can a wife be in submission yet not stifle or neglect her God-given abilities? How can a wife remind, correct, and advise her husband without being bossy or nagging? What are the most important factors in being a Godly wife? (Mack, 1986)

For additional study II

Read Genesis 4:1-11

What was the issue?

What was Cain’s response?

What was God’s advice to him? (See also Ephesians 4:26-27)

How did Cain respond?

How can you apply Cain’s lesson to your marriage? (For help, see also James 1:19-20)

What can you do differently? What affect would that change have on your marriage?