Intimacy in Marriage

Introductions

Saun and Anthony Galang - Been disciples for 36/37 years. Baptized in the old Berkeley Church of Christ with Tom and Kelly Brown in the mid 1980s

Met as singles, got engaged and then later on go married in the Philippines where we served on the mission team in 1989

Since then God has led us to Thailand as we worked with churches in SE Asia. He moved us to Los Angeles where we served the church for 20 years and now we live in Oahu for the past 10 years.

Here’s a picture of our family - Now 59 years old and grateful for what God has done over the last 33 years that we’ve been married

Many areas of intimacy in marriage: spiritual, emotional, and physical. Leave sex up to Charlie and Meekyoung

Saun and I are going to focus on spiritual intimacy.

2 DEFINITIONS AND KEY THOUGHTS

• Spiritual intimacy in marriage concerns core beliefs about God, faith, and marriage. More important, intimacy depends on the level or depth to which these core beliefs are shared and respected between married partners or those planning to marry. Developing spiritual intimacy is the process by which a couple helps each other grow into a deeper and maturing relationship with Christ and how, as a result of that maturity, a couple also grows closer to one another.

• Couples must make a commitment to spiritual growth and act on that commitment if they are to develop spiritual intimacy. This commitment has nothing to do with a plan to change the spouse according to the other’s blueprint. Both spouses need to feel safe talking about personal spiritual matters. Spiritually intimate couples encourage each other to grow spiritually but never condemn one another for a lack of progress or attempt to steer growth in a manipulative way.

• It is possible for husband and wife to be growing spiritually but still not share spiritual intimacy. Many couples are financially, emotionally, and physically united, though still spiritually alone. The goal should be to share with one’s spouse one’s spiritual life and practices.

• Spiritual intimacy is particularly difficult for marriage partners who feel spiritually inadequate. They avoid spiritual matters because they are too embarrassed or ashamed of their understanding of them, or they may believe that spirituality is a purely private matter that is never shared, even with one’s spouse.

• The secret of spiritual intimacy for a couple is growing together in their faith walk. Marriage is close to the heart of God, so much so that Paul referred to it as a living testimony of the relationship between Christ and the church (Eph. 5:31–32). A couple should make a plan to pray, worship, and study God’s Word together. The closer a couple is to God, the closer they will be as a couple. Marriage, when shared as God intends, unites our hearts so that we become true soul mates and lovers for life.

3 ASSESSMENT INTERVIEW

The divorce rate for couples who read the Bible together daily is only 1 out of 1,100.

For a couple to begin building spiritual intimacy, they will need to understand the basics of each other’s spiritual condition and spiritual journey. The following questions can be asked to each spouse to gain a better understanding of these matters.

1. Was your family of origin religious? What does/did they believe about God, Jesus, the church, prayer, and the Bible? Did they talk freely about their faith and encourage you to grow in yours?

2. How, where, and when did you first learn about Christianity? Do you read your Bible or try to learn more about the nature of God?

3. Tell me about your prayer life. Do you pray regularly or mostly when stresses and crises come to you?

4. If you could ask God any question, what would it be?

5. Does your faith help you in times of trouble?

6. Do you think there’s a difference between spirituality and being religious? Why or why not?

7. What has been the greatest spiritual experience of your life?

To learn more about each partner’s spiritual needs, have the couple ask each other the following questions:

1. How can I best help you grow in your faith? What can I do to encourage you to grow spiritually?

2. Would you like to start a regular time of prayer, of Bible study, of meditation?

3. Would you feel comfortable if we prayed together?

4. How can we worship God together?

5. In what ways can we serve God together?

4 WISE COUNSEL

Spiritual intimacy is not some religious performance or behavioral demand. Spiritual growth is not about being able to quote the right Scripture verses; it is not about saying the right things, singing the right songs, or even doing the right things. It is about becoming more like Jesus Christ—which happens first on the inside and then can be seen on the outside.

Spiritual intimacy means having a partner to help you get there and to go there with you. Hence, spiritual intimacy and marriage should go hand in hand. About marriage and spirituality Gary Chapman once wrote: “A relationship with God is central in building a lasting, satisfying marriage. The Christian life is a journey of becoming like Christ. Each of us must be responsible for our own spiritual growth, but God’s plan is for a husband and wife to connect spiritually.”

5 ACTION STEPS

There are many ways couples can work to build spiritual intimacy. The following action steps give several of these ways.

Couples who pray together on a daily basis have a divorce rate of 1 out of 1,200.

1. Talk, Listen, and Share

• Spiritual intimacy cannot occur in a relationship unless there is meaningful communication about spiritual matters. Set aside some time each week—even if it is just fifteen minutes—to talk about spiritual growth and the things of God.

• Spouses need to be able to talk about:

— what God is doing—and not doing—in their lives

— what they have learned about God recently

— ways that God is speaking to or leading them

— their doubts or faith problems, including any sense of disconnection with God

— spiritual areas in which they need improvement

• Keys for listening include

— Be attentive to what your spouse is saying.

— Do not condemn or judge your spouse’s struggles or mistakes.

— Be supportive and reassuring, emphasizing God’s mercy and grace.

— If you feel compelled to share a contrasting point of view, share it as your interpretation, not God’s. And don’t make it seem that your spouse has a warped understanding.

— Preaching at your spouse, including pointing out his or her sins or beliefs that seem wrong to you, is not a good way to build spiritual intimacy.

2. Pray, Pray, and Pray Some More

• Paul Tournier, in his book To Understand Each Other, writes:

Happy are the couples who do recognize and understand that their happiness is a gift of God, who can kneel together to express their thanks not only for the love which he has put in their hearts, the children he has given them or all of life’s joys, but also for the progress in their marriage which he brings about through the hard school of mutual understanding.

• It is said that few spiritual endeavors have as great a potential for building spiritual intimacy as praying together.

• If praying together is not your style, or if it makes you uncomfortable, you and your spouse can pray separately for each other daily, then talk about what you prayed. It is likely that over time, simply talking about prayer will help you be able to pray together comfortably.

• In addition, the following tips may help minimize any discomfort either of you feel about praying together. Often people seem to think they have to pray with just the right words to pray correctly, and that can be intimidating.

— Try reading the Psalms together. Read a passage, and then pray about the content of the verses.

— Instead of making up prayers on the spot, find a book of prayers and pray them together.

Informal statistics reveal that only about 4 percent of all Christian married couples pray together.

3. Do Bible Study and Religious and Spiritual Learning

• Many couples find studying the Bible together a comfortable way to build spiritual intimacy.

• The downside is that studying together often takes more time than praying together, and it can feel impersonal if the study is more technical than reflective. Few couples will feel very close studying the ontological argument for God’s existence, for example. Encourage them to find a good Bible study guide for couples at their local Christian bookstore.

• The key to building spiritual intimacy through religious-spiritual study is bringing in one’s own personal reflection. Ask, how does this particular Scripture convict, encourage, or challenge us? Sharing and listening to each other’s reflections are key components of building spiritual closeness through study.

4. Worship and Serve Together

• Worship is a vital part of spiritual intimacy and finding a church where worship brings you directly into the presence of God may be a key goal. Instead of the husband going to a men’s retreat, and the wife to a women’s group, attend religious activities together.

• Make sure you are both actively involved together in your church ministry. This not only includes sitting together during services but also volunteering together and having your marital relationship be a vital part of your identity in the church.

• According to Gary Chapman, “Because service to God is so central in the Christian life, it also plays an important role in developing spiritual intimacy within marriage. Spiritual intimacy greatly increases when a husband and wife serve together.”

6 BIBLICAL INSIGHTS

Religious observance strengthens marriages. Having children tends to bring people back into the places of worship they may have neglected since their youth.

“[I am] confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.… And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in knowledge and all discernment, that you may approve the things that are excellent, that you may be sincere and without offense till the day of Christ, being filled with the fruits of righteousness which are by Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God.”

Philippians 1:6, 9–11

God began a great work in each spouse as an individual from the day he/she was born. Paul reminds us that God will be faithful to finish what He has started in each of His children until the return of Christ. As each spouse seeks to know God more intimately, they will be filled with real knowledge, true love, and discernment that will in turn affect the marriage relationship in a way that pleases and brings glory to God.

“For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height—to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.”

Ephesians 3:14–19

True love is found in knowing Christ and having a personal relationship with Him. Marriages will thrive when both spouses are focused on building spiritual intimacy with Him as well as each other.

“I love those who love me, and those who seek me diligently will find me.”

Proverbs 8:17

God is not far from those who desire to know Him. When one seeks Christ with diligence and fervor, he/she will find Him and see His hand in their life and relationships.

7 PRAYER STARTER

Father, thank You for making us creatures who are designed for intimacy—physical intimacy, emotional intimacy, and spiritual intimacy. Help this couple, Lord, to become more like Christ and build spiritual closeness together that reflects the very heart of Christ Himself …

8 RECOMMENDED RESOURCES

Bell, Steve and Valerie. Made to Be Loved: Enjoying Spiritual Intimacy with God and Your Spouse. Moody, 1999.

Blackaby, Henry T. and Melvin D. Experiencing God Together: God’s Plan to Touch Your World. B & H Publishing, 2002.

Clinton, Tim and Julie. The Marriage You’ve Always Wanted: How to Grow a Stronger, More Intimate Relationship. Thomas Nelson, 2000.

Dobson, James and Shirley. Night Light: A Devotional for Couples. Tyndale, 2008.

Stoop, David and Jan. Better than Ever. Jordan House, 2007.

———. When Couples Pray Together: Creating Intimacy and Spiritual Wholeness. Vine Books, 2004.

Tim Clinton and John Trent, The Quick-Reference Guide to Marriage & Family Counseling (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books, 2009), 282–287.