Generational Warfare

Ephesians 6:1-4

With parents and children, we get a model of what mutual submission looks like inside of a clear authoritarian structure. Children obey parents.

Once again, Paul issues an unexpected command to mutual responsibility. Parents have a responsibility to not abuse their children and to teach them to follow Jesus. In this way, parents still submit to their children, considering their needs above their own.

Submit yourselves to one another. Even to the smallest.

Exasperating my Children

As you all know, Father’s Day is coming up… Okay, no it isn’t. But we are talking about Fathers today, so today is basically Father’s Day. Also, it is Children’s day. So you only have to listen today if you are a Father and or someone’s Child.

I have a game I have played with my kids for years. It goes like this. I wrap them up in a hug and then I begin to sing them a song like this:

“Never going to let you go, I’m going to hold you in my arms forever…” and I keep singing.

This is their cue to try to frantically scramble away, claw their way out, escape however they can because… as the song says… I am never going to let them go.

And there isn’t any real win for them. I have the authority as their Dad, so they can’t get me in trouble. I have the strength to hold on to them, it’s at least a couple more years before Logan can take me.

Authority vs. Submission???

And that raises this question: how does “mutual submission” work in an authority relationship?

We are going to “submit” to one another in Christian love, as the Holy Spirit fills us. This is different language to the second Greatest Commandment: “love one another as you love yourself.” Paul is writing to the churches in and around Ephesus saying that this kind of love should characterize the church, and it looks like submitting to one another, and then he zooms way in to our personal lives to examine: what does love look like when it transforms human relationship? When it changes human moments?

Wives applying that mutual submission to their husbands. Submitting and respecting them… because Jesus.

Husbands, sure submitting to their wives, but even more than that, sacrificially loving their wives, laying everything down for their effective good.

And there we see that that love, the ideal of that love, reflects and reveals to us divine reality, heavenly reality, that marital love is a reflection of the relationship between Jesus and his church. A divine mystery.

But what about when one person has direct authority and power over the other? How does mutual submission work in authority?

Submission and authority. These two things do not stand in opposition to each other, but work together for good.

Children and Fathers

Ephesians 6:1-4

1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), 3 “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” 4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Children

Obey your parents.

Citing the 5th Commandment.

The command to honor our Mother and Father calls us to weigh heavily our parents in every way: their needs, their opinions, their words and deeds. In the ideal, honoring parents teaches us to love and honor God and love and honor others. In practice, we are commanded to honor sinful and broken human beings. This is difficult, but it comes with a promise to you and generations to follow.

Children does not refer to an age like “those under 18” but a relationship. So you are still the child of your parents. Which leads to some difficulty, because am I supposed to “obey” my parents now? Where is the statute of limitations here?

Both the Judaic culture and the growing Roman culture were Patriarchal cultures. Paterfamilias. The father had all the authority. Head of the family. Think Godfather. That power and authority simply didn’t end. And this was messy:

A newborn child would be laid at the father’s feet. And if the father thought it was deformed or unsightly or didn’t want another girl, he would just leave it and it would be left to die. That is the power of a Father. A Father could whip their children without restriction. A Father could sell their child into slavery, and though he could only sell a slave once, if his child became free, he could sell it again. Unrestricted power and authority in that culture.

So when he says to obey your parents, to honor them, this is not an idealized perfect situation. Paul could not but be aware that this was risky, that some parents weren’t trustworthy and were not honorable.

Obey your parents “in the Lord” does not mean only those parents who are Christians, hence “in the Lord”, but echoes back to what was said to all of us: submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

So you obey and you honor, not because your parent is worthy of obedience and honor, but because he is. And the limit, the boundaries of that obedience are your greater responsibility to obey and honor and follow him.

So you do not have to do anything that would require disobedience or dishonor to your heavenly Father, but inside those bounds, you obey and honor your parents.

When under authority, submission looks like obedience and honor in the Lord.

Fathers

4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Elsewhere, no not exasperate your children. Make them say “AAAAAaaaaah”. To provoke them to anger means that that is the point of your action and there is no other reason. Not “never make them angry” but do not poke them with a stick just because it is funny when they’re frustrated. It is. But don’t.

As with wives and husbands, Paul sets up an unexpected turn. Obey and honor parents was the expected line… the idea that husbands and fathers had limits on their power and responsibility for their power was radically counter-cultural.

Abuse of Power

Fathers, in Roman culture, had absolute power.

Christian Fathers had limits on their power. It is the limit of mutual submission… even to a child.

You are not to be thoughtless of the feelings and frustrations, the perspective of your child, the one placed under your authority.

You have to care when they care.

Never Going to Let You Go

I frequently exasperate my children, I think. When I start singing “Never going to let you go…” it could be a fun moment. A game. Some wrestling, some tickling, some laughing, a close family moment. Or it could be a moment of total frustration and aggravation for them. They are trying to get something done, they are on their way to the bathroom and its urgent: I don’t know what’s going on with them.

They have no power and no authority to escape my will. But I care when they care. So we have a phrase that escapes the situation entirely: please stop. That’s the secret code. And when they say “please stop” Daddy lets go and I stop singing 80s love ballads. I submit to them in that moment.

Even though I am the one in authority, I place their needs and desires above my own impulsive desire to wrestle or play. In that way, I submit to them, even to the smallest. I care when they care.

Responsibility of Power

My submission does not end there.

As a father, my power carries responsibility as well as limits.

Your power is for a purpose. Your authority is for a purpose. And it is not whatever you decide it is. It isn’t your vicarious living through them. It isn’t their carrying on of your family line.

Bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the LORD.

Literally: nourish them

Teach them what to do. Teach them what not to do (admonition).

Discipline is not synonymous with punishment, by the way. Punishment is for what they did, discipline is an eye towards the future, it works toward future behavior. That may well include punishment, but is a tool of teaching not justice. Teach them what to do, admonish them (teach them what not to do).

Father’s, you have power in your child’s life. Our culture still gives you power and authority. But you have intrinsic power and authority in your child’s life. You weigh heavily.

When under authority, submission looks like obedience and honor in the Lord.

When in authority, submission looks like limits and responsibility. My power is limited by concern for what my children are feeling, not simply provoking them to anger for no purpose. Caring what they think. And I am responsible for the use of my power and authority: it’s purpose is to discipline and teach my children the way of the Lord.

You – Children and Fathers

If you are a child this morning, consider what it looks like to obey and honor your parent. This can be messy and complicated and even painful. Maybe it is a hug, maybe it is a phone call, maybe it is a little shift towards reconciliation.

Honor your parents, tip the scales toward them. Not for their sake, but that it may go well with you.

And we learn from that what it is like to honor and obey any in authority over us. Not because anyone is worthy of it, but because that is what Christian love calls us to do. This can be radically unjust and we will see that next week as we look at Slavery. But as far as we can, while maintaining our honor and obedience to Jesus, we submit. Ultimately, we are learning what it is to honor and obey our Heavenly Father.

If you are a Father this morning… congratulations! It is not hard to see this application to Mothers. It is not hard to see it to Aunts and Uncles. And actually this applies to anyone in authority over someone else in Christian love. You have power, but it comes with limits and responsibility because you can submit to someone even when you are in authority over them.

You consider their thoughts and feelings and desires. You care when they care. You use your authority and power for their good, to the best of your ability, to lead them and show them the truths that you know, most powerfully the True One that you know, you lead them as you follow after Jesus.

We

If Jesus doesn’t change the way we live, we are confused about Jesus.

If the filling of the Holy Spirit isn’t changing the way that we love one another, we are very confused. Love becomes real when it hits our most human relationships. Our day to day interactions. It changes the internal structure of our families. When we model that kind of love in our most intimate families, we teach that kind of love to our kids, and they learn to love that way. When we model that kind of our love in our church family, we teach one another this radical Jesus love. That has the power to change everything.

Love changes our human relationships. Love changes our human moments.

It hits inside our family. How much of our time do we spend wrestling for equality. Churches can be ripped apart by people struggling for equality, for respect. By people chafing under the “authority” of another and by people trying to assert their “authority”.

Mutual submission changes the whole picture.

God, may your love transform our families. Transform my family.

As Children, teach us how to be your children. Teach us with the parents we have and have had. Teach us with the people in authority over us. Teach us to submit, to obey and to honor.

As a Father, show me how to love. As one in authority, to use my power with wisdom. To teach my family your ways.