Stage of Denial

John 18:12-27

power

Variety Show Perfection

Arabelle training for talent show. She worked so hard.

And she has a bit of that perfectionism in her. She got frustrated when her fingers wouldn’t move fast enough, or she struggled with a chord. She is talented… but part of that means that what she hears and knows is possible is usually ahead of what she is currently capable of. So there was this ongoing frustration.

But Tuesday was the night…

and it was absolutely beautiful. So great. She played her ukulele smoothly, she sang like an angel, she didn’t lose her place, she didn’t get distracted. It was wonderful. By far the best act in the whole show.

I could not be prouder. But here’s the funny thing.

It wasn’t perfect. Compared to the other grade school kids it was ludicrous… but it wasn’t “perfect”. There is room for her to grow, mistakes to be corrected, talent to be developed. All the ways that we say “great job, keep working on it.”

She wasn’t perfect. I know that and I’m not perfect. Like Arabelle, especially in music, my ear for and taste for music always exceeds my ability to create it.

Always Chasing Perfection

My love of books and story always exceed my ability to write it.

To take that deeper, my idea of love for God and love for others always exceeds my ability to actually love God and love others.

In every avenue of life, I am imperfect. And I know that’s the common human condition and you all get it. But it is also INCREDIBLY FRUSTRATING!

We all have a model of perfection, an idea of what it could be like. Do you compare yourself against that? Maybe it is even someone in your life. Their life is perfect, the way they sing, or look, or dress, or their family is perfect.

There is an ache there, a desire, a longing… and we never ever ever quite get there.

But the thing to do is to dust yourself off on try harder, right? And psyche yourself up for the next try for perfection. Maybe yell about it, maybe brag about it, and if people don’t believe you BRAG HARDER! I am going to do it, I am going to make it this time, I am going to be perfect.

And now we move to my man, Peter.

Simon Peter. A man on fire. He LOVES Jesus. He is the BEST disciple. He is committed, he is following, he is always looking to say just the right thing, do just the right thing. He is in all the way.

And if anyone suggests he is going to mess up: “NO WAY! Jesus, I will lie down my life for you!”

And Jesus says to him “Will you?” Actually, “the rooster will not crow till you have denied me three times.”

And then the moment of the arrest comes, the passionate moment, the decisive moment, and there is Peter with sword in hand and BAM! Cuts off a guy’s ear.

Imperfect in understanding, imperfect in execution… but the passion was there, the commitment!

But then. I hate so many things about this story.

Jesus 1, Peter -3

John 18:12-22

12 So the band of soldiers and their captain and the officers of the Jews arrested Jesus and bound him. 13 First they led him to Annas, for he was the father-in-law of Caiaphas, who was high priest that year. 14 It was Caiaphas who had advised the Jews that it would be expedient that one man should die for the people.

15 Simon Peter followed Jesus, and so did another disciple. Since that disciple was known to the high priest, he entered with Jesus into the courtyard of the high priest, 16 but Peter stood outside at the door. So the other disciple, who was known to the high priest, went out and spoke to the servant girl who kept watch at the door, and brought Peter in. 17 The servant girl at the door said to Peter, “You also are not one of this man's disciples, are you?” He said, “I am not.” 18 Now the servants and officers had made a charcoal fire, because it was cold, and they were standing and warming themselves. Peter also was with them, standing and warming himself.

19 The high priest then questioned Jesus about his disciples and his teaching. 20 Jesus answered him, “I have spoken openly to the world. I have always taught in synagogues and in the temple, where all Jews come together. I have said nothing in secret. 21 Why do you ask me? Ask those who have heard me what I said to them; they know what I said.” 22 When he had said these things, one of the officers standing by struck Jesus with his hand, saying, “Is that how you answer the high priest?” 23 Jesus answered him, “If what I said is wrong, bear witness about the wrong; but if what I said is right, why do you strike me?” 24 Annas then sent him bound to Caiaphas the high priest.

25 Now Simon Peter was standing and warming himself. So they said to him, “You also are not one of his disciples, are you?” He denied it and said, “I am not.” 26 One of the servants of the high priest, a relative of the man whose ear Peter had cut off, asked, “Did I not see you in the garden with him?” 27 Peter again denied it, and at once a rooster crowed.

Two Stories

Jesus and the High Priest(s)

What is the deal with the multiple high priests?

Annas, the father-in-law. Appointed high priest for life by Exodus. But Pilate’s predecessor decided that was too much and put in a term limit. So several of Annas’ sons and now his son-in-law all get a turn. But it’s likely people still considered him the “real” high priest and the religious power behind the “official” high priest Caiaphas.

Jesus gets pressed on his teaching and his disciples. He doesn’t say a word about his disciples. “leave them out of it.” Protecting them to the end.

But his teaching. What about my teaching? You know what I have said.

21 Why do you ask me? Ask those who have heard me what I said to them; they know what I said.”

And you know he said it sassy because he got slapped.

But this whole encounter seems to be happening in an inner court. Like a private walled patio, with rooms or whole large homes opening up off this shared courtyard. Likely, as family, Annas’ house shares a courtyard with Caiaphas. And so they marched him into this complex and first to one side to face Annas, then dragged to the other.

And interwoven in the midst of Jesus getting dragged back and forth, we have Peter. One of the disciples, unnamed, but unnamed in such a way that it kind of seems like the way John the Beloved is never named in the text. Somehow this “other disciple” is buddy-buddy with the high priest, or at least his household. So gets in to the private courtyard and says “he’s with me” and Peter gets in too.

But the way John has arranged these encounters, what we see is a direct and distinct contrast.

Jesus is under direct pressure and questioning, and he stands his ground perfectly. Absolute integrity.

Peter’s Story

Peter is under subtle social questioning, and he compromises, and he caves.

First the girl at the door. “Hey aren’t you…”

And maybe Peter is thinking I want to get in. I don’t think he is thinking of this as a denial, it is just what he needs to say to get in. He is incognito. He is a master of disguise. “Nope, not me”.

Peter gets to watch the interview from beside the fire. But a bunch of people around the fire must have thought he looked familiar. “Hey aren’t you with him?”

Got to play the part. Got to stick with my disguise. Incognito. “Nope, I am not.”

And then, beautifully, a relative of the dude who got his ear chopped off by Peter. Maybe he was there that night arresting Jesus. Maybe a flash of the shifting charcoal fire revealed Peter’s face momentarily. “Hey, that’s the guy. Aren’t you one of his disciples?”

And maybe now there’s an element of personal danger. You chopped my cousin’s ear off! But whatever mix of practicality and anxiety, of fear and social pressure, Peter responds again “I am not.” Or Matthew said he denied it with an oath, with a curse on himself. Escalating denials.

And I think, I truly think, Peter didn’t think of what he had said as denials of Jesus. They were just things he needed to say. He is getting by, he is going incognito. He is being practical.

But then the rooster crowed. And he knew.

Luke says that Jesus was passing through the courtyard right then and looked at him.

I Don’t Like This Story

I don’t like this story. I don’t like it because it is such a huge betrayal, Jesus denied three times by one of his closest followers and friends, when Jesus needed him so badly. It is awful, sinful and stupid.

But at the same time, I would so easily have said the same things. Quick-thinking, said what I needed to say to get in the door. Kept up my disguise. And it’s all justified because I just want to be near my friend, be there for him, ready to help even. And I have to stick with my disguise until…

I review what I have actually said. And what I have actually done.

I was so passionate for perfection, and in the midst of pursuing, I broke it and I broke with Jesus, and… Peter broke down and he wept bitterly.

The Contrast

And John sets it up as this drastic contrast. Jesus. Holy and perfect. Standing with integrity under persecution and attack.

Peter. Compromised. Afraid or self-deluded. Forswearing with his words everything he had committed to so passionately for the last three years.

Jesus’ perfection against Peter’s failure.

What was on Jesus’ face

Do you think Jesus looked surprised as we saw Peter? No, it was Jesus who knew that Peter was going to betray him. Do you think he looked sad? I don’t think so. If he knew ahead of time, there couldn’t have been surprise.

There is a very specific context in which Jesus told Peter that he would deny him. It was right after washing the disciples’ feet. It was right after giving his disciples the command to love one another.

I think Jesus looked at Peter, knowing what Peter had done, just as he had long known what Peter would do, and loved him.

Jesus knew that Peter was incapable of being a perfect witness before Jesus’ perfect sacrifice.

Jesus knew that Peter was incapable of being a perfect disciple before Jesus’ perfect sacrifice.

Jesus knew that Peter was incapable of being a perfect anything before Jesus’ perfect sacrifice.

Jesus was not surprised at Peter’s sin and stupid… Peter’s sin and stupid and everyone else’s too was precisely the reason he was headed to the cross in a few hours.

Jesus knew Peter’s failure. And not just that Peter had fallen short of perfection. That Peter was incapable of perfection.

Jesus knew. And Jesus says “I got this.”

You are imperfect. But I got this. I am going to take care of that for you. Onward to the cross.

The sin sneaks up on Peter, I really don’t think he knew what he had done until the rooster crowed.

But Jesus is already on the way to die for that sin.

He Knows Your Sin and Stupid

What if a rooster crowed every time you sinned? Every time you messed up? That’d be handy, yes?

That’d be awful. The noise. And the smell of all the roosters.

Hunt down that rooster and chicken dinner.

What if every sin was just announced and you were confronted with exactly how you had betrayed or damaged your relationship with God and your relationship with others. Because ultimately, that is what sin is and what sin does. Sin damages our relationship with God and with others. All sin. Every time. Always.

Imperfection. Something in us hates it because we long for something more, for something perfect, to be perfect. Not in a sterile white-washed kind of way, in a complete way. Completed and fulfilled and perfect.

And when we do something to destroy that. Especially when we do something that destroys or damages a relationship in our life that we cherish.

That is painful.

But here is the truth. This is the truth about what you have done and what you will do. This is the truth about your sin and stupid. When that rooster crows and you realize just what you have done.

Imagine meeting Jesus’ eyes in that moment. He knows. But he has known. And he already walked that sin and stupid to the cross. And he says to you “I got this.”

In many ways today’s story is a cliff-hanger. Peter is left wounded and broken and ridden with guilt. But there is a sequel. Jesus shows right back up.

This is the gospel that transforms. You can preach this gospel to yourself every time you hear that rooster crow. Even in that moment of conviction. Meet the eyes of Jesus across that courtyard, and know that he says to you:

“I love you. I got this. You are forgiven.”