How to Grieve and Help Those Grieving

Intro the videos:

I had the privilege of interviewing 4 local funeral directors here in our county, and special thanks to Nicole Dynes on staff for filming and editing this.

and last week, we saw part of that interview—where we looked at death, hope, and how the resurrection of Jesus changes everything. If you missed it, you can go to our FB page or YouTube channel or website and find those missed videos—

we also posted a couple videos from them talking about our most embarrassing or interesting moments, and I also asked them whose is the best funeral home—and they have interesting answers. This Wednesday we are releasing a video from them on “why are you funeral directors?

and we have a couple short videos to play for you today.

Here are the directors...

Brayden Liechty from the Liechty Funeral Home.

Located on the north edge of town here in Berne, this is the newest funeral home in our area,

Jon Zwick from Zwick & Jahn (Jan) Funeral Homes. they have locations in Berne, Decatur, and Monroeville

and then Shannon Glancy (daughter of Jeff Glancy) from Downing & Glancy Funeral Homes. Many of you know the location in Geneva, but they also have locations in Montpelier, Warren, and Van Buren, IN

And then last but not least Ryan Hirschy is here from Haggard-Sefton Hirschy & Zelt Funeral Homes, located in Decatur. NO, they are not a law firm but a funeral home.

Today—I have another video to play from that interview. We are looking at the topic of grief—both how to grieve and how to help those grieving...

Part 1 of our video today is how to grieve.

What is Grief:

(definition): Harvard psychologist: when a loss happens to you, it is the deep emotional experience you feel as a result of loss.

(with funeral directors--death of someone), it can be other things--a loss of a job, relationship, house, circumstances, a pet, maybe a unfulfilled expectations—an adoption doesn’t go through, infertility.

change--maybe your child going to college...

Covid times—there was a lot of changes for all of us…that we are still grieving...

and this grief may looks different from person to person-—a messy, chaotic, tricky business. unpredictable.

it brings up a lot of competing feelings—anger, sadness, rage, despair, fear, anxiety, confusion—all can be caused by these underlying feelings of grief…or maybe feeling detached, or numb...

and it’s not just emotional but physical, relational, mental, every area...

and this powerful emotion of grief and associated feelings can come at the most random times. you can be scrolling through social media, and see a memory of a loved one who is no longer there. you can be at the grocery story buying food, realizing you don’t have to buy as much food as you used to, or seeing a favorite food of a loved one..

before, I play the video

Why do we not talk about grief or don’t like to?

b/c it is so uncomfortable…that we don’t want to feel that way; we want to get back “normal...” whatever that is…

but the purpose of grief is really powerful and helpful—it can be an agent of change and healing in God’s hands…when we allow it to come through our system, it forces us to face a reality we don’t want to look at. grief can be a powerful tool for healing and for change in our lives and others. When we block the natural grieving process of facing it, it is hard to heal.

let’s Play Video #1 how to grieve

They shared some great insights from them and God’s Word:

There is no cookie-cutter way to grieve. We often suffer from comparison-itis where we compare ourselves to others— “they are doing so much better than me.” Why am I taking so long to grieve?” But almost all of them emphasized—there is no timetable. Take your time—it can feel like 2 steps forward, 1 step back. grief lasts a long time, and it can even last a lifetime, and that does not mean you are broken, deficient or bad—it is part of your story that God can use.

Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor is it a lack of faith. King David grieved. Job grieved; many of our “heroes” in the Bible grieved. Peter, Paul, even Jesus grieved and the early Christians.

John 11:35 NIV

35 Jesus wept.

Isaiah 53:3 ESV

3 He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief; and as one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

what’s amazing about Jesus weeping at Lazarus’ death is that He was about to raise Him from the grave, and He still wept. and in this, He did not sin. This was our beautiful Savior showing his profound love for his friend Lazarus, and for us and the human condition that we face death—and enemy, something we were not designed to face.

don’t condemn yourself or let the enemy condemn you for grieving. sometimes we feel bad and then we feel bad for feeling bad…grief is an appropriate response to loss. it reminds us that we live in a world where death is an enemy.

I am guessing a lot of us, myself included, would say that grief is a negative emotion. Let’s get through it. But grief is not negative—it just is part of what it means to be a human being right now as we wait for Jesus to come back, and it can be a powerful opportunity to press into it, heal in time, and change.

The other thing they mentioned is just how important it is to have a supportive community.

Romans 12:15 NIV

15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.

The path to healing in your life, takes place with others at some level. For some of us, depending on our personality, we need lots of people to help us grieve and bear the load.

For others, it may be a smaller group of people, 1 or 2.

but the bottom line is we all need other people to help us, from the practical things to the supportive, emotional things.

and it can be really hard to ask for help—we like to be the one helping someone else, but to admit our need, weakness, and neediness...

but grief can be a powerful opportunity to invite others in—and whenever someone invites me in to their grief, I am floored and amazed. it can be a powerful opportunity for healing...

it may be with a spouse or friend, with a counselor, or pastor, your group...

4. Grief and Joy/Hope can coexist!

1 Thessalonians 4:13–14 NIV

13 Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. 14 For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him.

we can grieve with hope…we often think that hope and grief cannot coexist—but they can. or we think we have to not feel grief to have hope...

even joy and grief can co-exist.

1 Peter 1:6–8 NIV

6 In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 8 Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy,

and certainly Jesus as he went to the cross was filled with sorrow and grief at the fellowship He was about to lose, but Scripture said he also went to the cross with joy.

How else to grieve from the Bible:

5. Most of all cry out to God, pour out your soul to God (Psalm 40, 18, 30, and 27. 2 Cor. 1:3-4

Psalm 13 NIV

For the director of music. A psalm of David. 1 How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? 2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? 3 Look on me and answer, Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death, 4 and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,” and my foes will rejoice when I fall. 5 But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. 6 I will sing the Lord’s praise, for he has been good to me.

Look at how the psalmist is just crying out to God, and though that is tough, it can make a huge difference.

I am amazed at just how much the Bible shows and displays the human experience of grief.

So many of the psalms (about 1/3 are filled with grief—what theologians call Lament.) It is part of the human experience—where the psalmist is pouring out his soul.

and the key to this—is that he is being honest, sometimes ruthless and raw-ly honest with God, and the key in that is to bring it to God. He can take it. the practice of us doing that is absolutely powerful and restorative and healing---over time.

and Jesus will walk with you through the valley of the shadow of death.

How might God be calling you to understand and process your grief…what is the next step?

talking to God? talking to a friend, pastor, or counselor? Maybe it’s just giving yourself space and time and permission to grieve well...

next part...

How do we help those grieving...

Play Video part 2...

How to help those grieving:

Remember the little things—they make a big difference.

a card, a text, reaching out…a smile, a hug…a gift…your presence.

how can you use a little thing like this to encourage someone you know who is experiencing grief—it could be that whatever caused the grief happened years, decades ago—but how can you do that to be the hands and feet of Christ.

Bring up their loved one or situation. (read Nancy Guthrie article from Gospel Coalition - https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/yes-say-something-overcoming-awkwardness-grieving-people/)

Christian author and speaker Nancy Guthrie (who lost 2 children to death): “Recently I was talking with a friend. We were trying to figure out if and how to reach out to someone she hasn’t spoken to in years who lost her 35-year-old son. It’s been a while since he died, and much longer since she’s interacted with her friend. She was afraid of the awkwardness, of saying the wrong thing, of making her friend feel sad since maybe she wasn’t so sad at this point.

I explained to her that when someone you love has died, it’s as if a hurdle has been placed between you and every person you know, and that hurdle stays in place until your loss has been acknowledged in some way. It doesn’t have to be a grand gesture or a long conversation. It doesn’t matter if it’s been a while since the loved one died. It doesn’t have to be anything brilliant. Sometimes a simple “I know what has happened, and I’m so sorry,” or even a nonverbal hand on the shoulder or squeeze of the hand, will knock down that barrier.

A few months after our daughter died, I was in the carpool line waiting to pick up my son from school when another mom, who had a daughter born a short time before Hope, came up to my car. She told me that she felt awkward each time she saw me since she still had her daughter while mine was gone, and that she didn’t how to get past that awkwardness. “You just did,” I told her. Simply acknowledging the barrier knocked it down.

Sometimes we hesitate to approach someone because we fear it’s been too long since their loved one died, and that they’ve moved on and don’t want to talk about it anymore. But the opposite is more likely to be true. If it’s been a while, it’s likely people have stopped talking about the one who died, while the grieving person’s desire to talk about him or her has only increased.

So bring it up. And keep bringing it up over the months and even years to come. That’s a gift a true friend gives someone who’s grieving.

Nancy Guthrie also did a poll—what do grieving people want most:

they want to hear the name of their loved one who died..

and they want to hear specific stories.. “I thought of Bob the other day when we were getting barbeque. I always loved how he made such good barbeque. I wish he had taught me his secrets.”

“Every time I pass a biker on the road, I think of Cheryl and how she always amazed me with her stories of the rides she went on. It makes me miss her.”

3. Don’t try to fix them…walk alongside them. This takes the pressure off. You don’t have to have the perfect thing to say—just be there for them. the power of presence. Listen more than you say anything.

show up and say little.

in the book of Job—when the character Job suffered tremendous—including his kids…his friends showed up, and for the first 7 days, they were just with him and said nothing. That is the high point of the book—but it quickly went low when they tried to explain what happened to them.

4. In time—find ways to adore Jesus together--

in time…maybe this involves in time—saying “Hey would you attend church with me together…I know it is hard to go, or maybe a Sunday morning group, or a small group, let’s go TOGETHER. do it together…

so who might God be calling you to reach out to? take a moment and think about that?

Nancy Guthrie:

Let them take the lead

Don’t compare

Don’t feel the need to fix

Don’t be in a hurry

Don’t make it about you

Listen more than you talk

Don’t tell them what to do

Esteem their grief

Don’t be put off by tears

Don’t ask potentially painful questions out of curiosity

How can you help someone grieving? who is God calling you to help?

Take some time to think...

Communion...

one of the best ways we can respond is by taking communion or the Lord’s Supper together.

this is open to anyone who is a believer and follower of Jesus.

If you need communion elements, please raise you hand.

I want to read from Mark 14:17-21

Mark 14:17–21 NIV

17 When evening came, Jesus arrived with the Twelve. 18 While they were reclining at the table eating, he said, “Truly I tell you, one of you will betray me—one who is eating with me.” 19 They were saddened, and one by one they said to him, “Surely you don’t mean me?” 20 “It is one of the Twelve,” he replied, “one who dips bread into the bowl with me. 21 The Son of Man will go just as it is written about him. But woe to that man who betrays the Son of Man! It would be better for him if he had not been born.”

pretty remarkable that amidst this deep betrayal from one of his beloved apostle...—I mean talk about loss, grief, that Jesus was undergoing; poured his life into Judas, and yet was betrayed—Jesus can truly empathize and sympathize…He knows.

Mark 14:22–25 NIV

22 While they were eating, Jesus took bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and gave it to his disciples, saying, “Take it; this is my body.” 23 Then he took a cup, and when he had given thanks, he gave it to them, and they all drank from it. 24 “This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many,” he said to them. 25 “Truly I tell you, I will not drink again from the fruit of the vine until that day when I drink it new in the kingdom of God.”

so the bread points to Jesus’ body, broken for us.

the cup—Jesus’ blood that began a new covenant—poured out for you.

both the bread and the cup show us Jesus paid it all...

He gave it all for us.

they remind us that Jesus knows loss—when He cried out My God My God why have you forsaken me—Jesus was

He is experiencing the loss of fellowship as He became sin for us in our place, bearing the wrath of God.

Jesus knows grief…so we can pour out to Him.

He is experiencing the loss of fellowship as He became sin for us in our place, bearing the wrath of God.

and He gives us hope amidst the journey of grief in life—as He took care of our sin problem—that which separates us from God, so that we can live with God now and forever. He not only died—but He speaks here to His resurrection—that He will drink it new in the kingdom of God. after his death, there was as resurrection...

and I think that shape of death and resurrection characterizes so much of our journey with Christ...

when you come to Christ—you have to admit your sin, it is painful but it leads to resurrection.

daily, you must die to self and take up your cross and follow Jesus, and it leads to resurrection.

when you forgive—it feels like death—but leads to that.

and when you go through grief—feels like a huge death—but as Jesus walks with you---it leads

First, take some time to pour our your grief to God…whatever loss you are experiencing—know that Jesus gets it.

Second, take some time to reflect on His sacrifice for you---that Jesus did this, to forgive you of sins and give you hope with God now and for eternity. confess sin, praise God, look to Jesus.

Mark 14:22–24 NIV

22 While they were eating, Jesus took bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and gave it to his disciples, saying, “Take it; this is my body.” 23 Then he took a cup, and when he had given thanks, he gave it to them, and they all drank from it. 24 “This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many,” he said to them.