Ephesians 5:22-33: Marriage by God's Design

Introduction

Engagement story… and then the wedding… Everything imagined… May - 14 years of marriage. Not perfect, but good because we serve a good God who’s been faithful to us.

In Ephesians, Paul writes the most famous passage in Bible regarding marriage and it’s not without controversy. But, when we understand and live out what Paul teaches, extremely helpful.

Ephesians 5:22-33 does not resonate in our world. AND… it often doesn’t resonate in our churches… Over the years, lots of debate in the church about what Paul means in these verses. So, I approach this passage with humility… I’m probably not going to get it all right.

BUT… our world and our church NEEDS what Paul teaches about marriage in Ephesians 5. We need to think carefully about Paul’s words and apply them well.

The redefining of the family in recent decades called the “cultural war.” Actuality, spiritual war. Right after Paul talks about family relationships, he writes, “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood but spiritual forces in the heavens.” (Ephesians 6:12)

If there is a spiritual war around the family, then we need to pay close attention to what is taking place in our families. We need to pay close attention to what Paul says in Ephesians 5.

Temptation to say that the what the Bible says in these verses is outdated. What Paul teaches in these verses not outdated but helpful and life-giving. These verses give hope for our marriages.

No matter your relationship status, this passage is helpful for all of us so we can know why God designed marriage, and we can also know how our marriages and thrive. Three ways to live out marriage by God’s design in a broken world.

Wife, follow the leadership of your husband willingly.

Marriage instituted in Gen. 2. Why did God create marriage?

For complementary partnership to accomplish God’s will. Men and women are of equal worth and value in God’s eyes. Men and women are both capable of intellectual and sociological achievements, but given different roles to help each other. If you’re married or ever observed marriage, this is common sense. We’re different.

To make us more like Jesus. (Ephesians 1:4) God wants us to look like His Son. He uses marriage to make us holy. You don’t have to be married to be holy, but your marriage is a laboratory where you learn how to live out the fruit of the Spirit with your spouse. We want a happy marriage… but the happiest marriages are those that are growing in holiness.

To teach us about the love of God. Paul makes this argument in these verses. In a marriage that lives out God’s design, unconditional, sacrificial love - a love that imitates God’s love. Warning: marriage teaches us about God’s love but doesn’t replace God’s love. While your spouse is a partner, helper, and lover, your spouse will never be enough to fulfill your soul. Don’t put that pressure on your spouse!

Eph. 5:22 - Wives - submit to your husbands…

In Ephesians, Paul giving instructions to Spirit-filled believers. 5:21 - “Submit to one another...” God has given you “more than enough” so that you can give your life away for someone else. More than enough love, grace, etc.

Ephesians: An Introduction and Commentary d. Wisdom to Replace Folly (5:15–21)

There must be a willingness in the Christian fellowship to serve any, to learn from any, to be corrected by any, regardless of age, sex, class, or any other division.

Husbands and wives both giving their lives away for the sake of the other. This was radical! Challenging for a husband. Paterfamilia - The family wasn’t about him… It was about Jesus. Ultimately, the husband not in authority. Jesus is.

Challenging for wives who might resent their husbands…

Submit - acknowledging an idea that was already deeply engrained in the culture - in GrecoRoman families. YET absolutely changing this idea - Jesus is in absolute control - changing wives, changing husbands, and redefining what family looks like. If someone asks the question, “Who’s is charge of your home?” The answer: Jesus.

Husbands aren’t authoritarian leaders, but servant-leaders who desire more than anything to see their wives and children grow in Christlikeness.

Wives… follow the leadership of your husbands willingly.

Following the leadership of your husband is a posture of the heart. Note that Paul doesn’t give specific ways to submit. Paul’s not talking about traditional gender roles. It’s a posture of the heart… Eph. 5:21 is a posture of the heart that both husband and wife take… “I’m going to let my husband take the spiritual lead in the home.” God wants husbands to nurture the home for the sake of Christ, and God wants wives to join husbands in that work. Husband is the head of the wife (vs. 23) like Christ is the head of the church - order - idea of nurturing.

Following the leadership of your husband is voluntary. Your husband should not force you to follow him. Your husband shouldn’t say “submit to me.” His goal isn’t to get you to submit to him, it’s to serve you. As a wife, you want to help your husband live out the calling God has placed on His life. It certainly doesn’t mean you lay down who you are as a person (strong-willed, decision maker, etc.), but that you let your husband be who God has called him to be in the home.

Following the leadership of your husband requires trust. Trust that God’s design is worth following. Requires you seeing Christ at work in your husbands heart and fostering that work as you encourage and support him. Trust that your husband has your interest at heart.

Elon Musk - Can’t work miracles… You can’t work a miracle in your spouse’s heart… You can’t make your spouse into who God wants your spouse to be, but you can trust that God is working a miracle in your spouse’s life - so you pray, you serve the other, and you trust.

Husband, lead your wife well.

What does the servant leadership of a husband look like within marriage?

A husband’s leadership cannot be passive. Jesus didn’t love you with a passive love. He didn’t kick back in heaven and say, “I really like them. I hope they can figure life out.” No, His love was active. He came and gave His life. Far too many passive husbands that are not engaged in building up their families. Can’t remember the last time you prayed for or with your spouse. Don’t know when you asked her about her walk with the Lord. For many, your wife has become the spiritual leader, and you don’t care.

A husband’s leadership cannot be authoritarian. Your wife is not your servant, she’s your helper. Nowhere in this passage does Paul tell husbands to rule over their wives. Not: “Exercise your authority!” Nope… marriage isn’t about you and your authority. It’s about the authority of Christ in your home. In His authority, Christ has set an example of love and service for you to follow.

A husband’s leadership must be sacrificial. “Gave Himself up for her...” Jesus demonstrated His love for us by dying for us. The call to husbands… be willing to die… Not just physically, but daily. Daily laying down your life for your wife and children. “It’s not about me...”

A husband’s leadership must be purposeful. Why does a husband lead? Not for his gain, but for her gain. Christ’s death for the church was purposeful. Christ died for the church to sanctify the church. To cleanse His bride… When a husband loves his wife like Christ loves the church, God uses the husband in His work to sanctify the wife. You are participating in God’s work in your wife’s life when you lead your wife well.

A husband’s leadership must be selfless. “Love your wife as your own body.” Second command: Love your neighbor as yourself. You think of yourself a lot. You think about how to take care of yourself. How to provide for yourself. You love you. Husbands: love your wives just as much as you love yourself. Or, love her as if she is a part of you because she is. Jesus loves His body. We are His body. Your wife is your body. vs. 31 - You have become one flesh (Gen. 2:24). If you treat your wife as if she is one flesh with you - you provide, you care for, you protect, etc.

Husband, does your leadership of your wife look anything at all like Paul describes? If not, work to do!

Repent before God and your spouse.

Take responsibility. (40 Day Prayer Challenge for Spouses a good place to start.)

Find someone to help you - to help you grow, to be a better husband. Husbands, we’re in this together. We can’t be afraid to reach out for help, advice, wisdom, etc. We have a big responsibility - we can either build up our wives or we can hurt them tremendously.

Couples, show the Gospel in your marriage.

vs. 32 - This mystery is profound… When Paul uses the word mystery he’s typically referring to the Gospel.

Your marriage is a divine illustration of a heavenly reality. A marriage that reflects God's design in Ephesians 5:22-33 is a divine illustration of a heavenly reality.

When a wife submits to her husband's spiritual leadership, and when a husband loves his wife like Jesus, their marriage is a picture of Jesus' relationship with His people. A wife who submits to the spiritual leadership of her husband imitates the way the church submits to the leadership of Jesus Himself (Ephesians 5:24).

When a husband loves his wife like Jesus, he is imitating the way that Jesus loves the church (Ephesians 5:25).

Imagine what God does with a marriage that lives out the truths of Ephesians 5:22-33. He takes that kind of marriage and holds it in the palm of His hands and says to the world, “Look at the way that husband loves his wife. He's willing to give his life for her so that she may know my love. That's the same way my Son loves you. Jesus loves you so much that He gave His life so you could know the love of the Father. Look at the way that the wife willingly submits to the leadership of her husband. That's the same way my church submits to me because they understand my love for them.”

When married couples live the way that Paul describes in Ephesians 5:22-33, that marriage becomes an illustration of the Gospel. A Christian marriage has the power to show the world a picture of real love.

No wonder the Bible reminds us that God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16). Now, if you've been through a divorce, you are not condemned by God or less loved by God, but simply know that divorce is not part of God's plan for marriage. When you understand how God uses marriage as an illustration of the Gospel, you can also understand why the church must continue to protect the sanctity of marriage between one and and one woman for life.

Today: a renewed commitment to your spouse. Have an honest conversation about how you are living out Eph. 5.

Today: an invitation to embrace the Gospel. No relationship will ever be what it could be until you have a relationship with God through Christ Jesus. Paul constantly pointing us to the Gospel and showing us how the Gospel changes everything. Today, believe that Christ died and rose again for you. Turn to Him by faith.