Dating: Who To Date (Attraction)

Introduction

The purpose of dating is for evaluation.

“Dating is not a status to dwell in, but a process to move through. It is a series of actions meant to lead us to a particular end-discerning whether or not we are meant to marry a particular person.” -Ben Stuart

Now, this begs the question…if the purpose of dating is not a means in itself but a means to an end (marriage) then would it make sense to be in a relationship with someone if you were not ready/looking to get married or seeing if they would be someone you could spend the rest of your life with?

In my opinion, it wouldn’t be…because ultimately you will be saving yourself and the other person a lot of unnecessary heartache and probably keep you from temptation more so than if you engaged in a relationship before you were ready to be married.

In my opinion...Don’t make the exception the norm.

However, even if you are not dating now, you will eventually date when you are ready to be married, therefore, its important for us to understand this topic with a Biblical lens.

The first thing we need to answer is what qualities should we be looking for in a spouse? This is the, who should we be dating question.

Next week we will answer the question as to what process should you go through to find that right person? This is the “how to date” question.

What you should be looking for is someone who has godly character and a person you have fun and easy chemistry with.

You do not want to look for someone to “complete you.”

You need to adopt a companion mentality when it comes to dating and marriage, not a consumer mentality.

Example of “the list of the perfect spouse”

The question you should be asking is not, is this the perfect person that has all of the qualities I am looking for but rather, could I build a life with this person? Could we journey down the road of life together in service to the Lord for His glory?

Character: What You Should Be Looking For

Same Allegiance

Allegiance determines your direction.

Race analogy of person running in the opposite direction you are.

You should not be unequally yoked (no missionary dating).

2 Corinthians 6:14-15 makes clear... “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever?”

Do not make the exception the norm

Don’t lower your standards if it seems tough for the person with the same allegiance in Christ to come along.

Pursuing allegiance, Not Preference, Running at the Same Pace

You don’t just want a believer in God, but a pursuer of God

Race analogy of someone running at a completely different pace as you.

You want to have the benefit of their wisdom

Does spending time with them make you better and encourage you to want to be more like Jesus and grow in areas of life?

Ladies, you want a...

Godly and Wise man:

Psalm 1:1-3 “Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. In all that he does, he prospers.

Hard worker

Leader who submits to Jesus.

Can you see this in the way he submits to the leaders God has placed over him? (parents, pastors, etc.?)

One cannot lead rightly unless they have first placed themselves under the authority of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Learner

One who is faithful and keeps His word (committed)

*Guys, do not focus too much on your physical frame that you neglect your spiritual frame.

Guys, you want a...

Wise woman who fears the LORD:

Proverbs 31:25-30 “Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.” Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”

A woman of character…someone who has a humble and submissive spirit:

Song of Solomon 1:6-7 “Do not gaze at me because I am dark, because the sun has looked upon me. My mother’s sons were angry with me; they made me keeper of the vineyards, but my own vineyard I have not kept! Tell me, you whom my soul loves, where you pasture your flock, where you make it lie down at noon; for why should I be like one who veils herself beside the flocks of your companions?”

Solomon’s beloved is humble about her appearance. She says, “do not gaze upon my appearance.”

She wants to meet him at noon, in the daylight, not at night in hiding.

She is not like those who veil themselves…which is what the prostitutes did in that day…but she is a woman who pursues purity and chastity.

Can you see this in the way she treats her siblings in the way she submits to her parents, pastors, etc.?

Prudent and modest:

1 Peter 3:3-4 “Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.”

Can you see this in the way that she dresses and the way she presents herself?

You want the peace of their integrity

You want someone who has a great reputation. You want to be able to trust them.

Song of Solomon 1:3 “your anointing oils are fragrant; your name is oil poured out; therefore virgins love you.”

Solomon’s name was like pure oil that was to be poured out in the temple.

Is the person endorsed by people who know them?

They need to be endorsed and approved by your parents and friends before a romantic relationship begins...not after.

What is your reputation?

It matters who you are, not just how you look.

This means to know their character, you need to take time getting to know them, how they react and act around different sets of people and different seasons of life before pursuing a romantic relationship with them.

Integrity and character cannot be discovered over a one hour coffee date...anybody can present a flawless character in that time span.

You want someone who is actively pursuing the Lord and who has an internal drive toward love and holiness.

You want someone who will love you through the difficult times because they love Jesus.

Chemistry

Theologically compatible

Do you agree on the primary and secondary doctrines of the Christian faith and the issues you feel most passionate about?

Socially compatible

Do you like hanging out with each other?

News flash, when you are married, the majority of time you will spend with your spouse will be hanging out and living life together, not having sex...therefore, physical attractiveness should not be the most important or only thing you look for in chemistry.

Vocationally compatible

Pastor, full-time ministry, career that causes constant travel, military, etc.

Physically compatible

This is a vital piece that cannot be ignored. It is not a shallow question to ask if you are physically attracted...however, this should not be the primary criteria on which the marriage is built.

In the Song of Solomon, we see that physical attraction is a good thing that should be sought.

These verses are in the context of the wedding night between Solomon and his bride.

These passages show that physical attractiveness to the opposite sex is a GOOD THING and that God made us with these physical desires for the opposite sex…however, throughout the Song of Solomon it says to “not awaken love until the proper time.”

This makes clear that the only time it is good and proper to enjoy these physical desires and pleasures with the opposite sex is in covenant marriage between a man and a woman.

Song of Solomon 4:1 “Behold, you are beautiful, my love, behold, you are beautiful! Your eyes are doves behind your veil. Your hair is like a flock of goats leaping down the slopes of Gilead...

Solomon continues on to extol the beauty of his wife and the Bible makes clear that God created men and women to enjoy one another’s bodies in a covenant marriage...

To the point that Solomon continues to say in verses 9-10: “You have captivated my heart, my sister, my bride; you have captivated my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace. How beautiful is your love, my sister, my bride! How much better is your love than wine, and the fragrance of your oils than any spice!”

Solomon’s Bride continues the same vocabulary in Song of Solomon 5:10 and following says, “My beloved is radiant and ruddy, distinguished among ten thousand. His head is the finest gold; his locks are wavy, black as a raven. His eyes are like doves beside streams of water, bathed in milk, sitting beside a full pool. His cheeks are like beds of spices, mounds of sweet-smelling herbs. His lips are lilies, dripping liquid myrrh....”

So being physically attracted to one another is important…it is a GOOD THING...but this should not be the primary criteria on which the marriage is built.

Ben Stuart says, “You would do well to marry someone who scores a ten on character and an eight on looks, rather than a ten in looks and a zero in character. Be Smart”

Stuart continues: “In the end, the happiest people are not those who are actively seeking a mate, but those who are actively seeking their Maker.”

Triangle analogy