Children & Parents

1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), 3 so that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth. 4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

[PRAYER]

[CONTEXT] After exulting in the good news of God’s grace in Jesus Christ in his letter to Ephesian Christians, Paul began to explain to them how that good news affected all of life.

It changes our relationships with one another. We are no longer divided but together in Christ who died in our place on the cross and rose to make us right with God.

It changes how we live in general, no longer controlled by the desires of the flesh but instead directed by the leading of the Holy Spirit.

It changes how wives treat their husbands, being subject to them rather than working against them.

It changes how husbands treat their wives, sacrificially loving them instead of lording authority over them.

And today we’ll see how it changes children and parents.

[ILLUS] A long time ago, a preacher named Edward Payson stood up and addressed his congregation…

“It may perhaps appear strange to some of you that we have chosen such a subject as this for a day of public fasting and prayer. But we are not without hopes that, before we have done with the subject, you will be convinced that we could not have chosen one more important, nor more suitable to the present occassion. We are assembled this day for the purpose of humbling ourselves before God for our personal and national sins, and prayer for public and private prosperity. Now I firmly believe, that no sin is more prevalent among us, more provoking to God, or more destructive of individual, domestic, and national happiness, than that to which we propose to call your attention. Could we trace the public and private evils, which infect our country, to their source, I doubt not we should find that most of them proceed from a general neglect of the moral and religious education of children. I am more and more persuaded that this is one of the most crying sins of which we are guilty as a people.”

That was the early 1800’s.

Things have only gotten worse.

We look around our country and ask, “Why are things so bad?” We look around our families and ask, “How did things get like this?”

Is it not at least partially if not primarily the result of children not obeying their parents and parents not instructing their children in the Lord?

How much brighter would the world be if children obeyed their parents in the Lord and parents nourished their children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord?

There is certain hope in our passage this mourning. Certain hope for you and your family, but also certain hope our nation and for our world.

God sometimes changes the world through miraculous means.

Sometimes those miracles occur one heart and one family at a time.

Children, I’m praying God would change you this morning through His Word.

Parents, I’m praying God would change us too.

Who knows, maybe God will start to change the world by changing us.

[TS] Let’s notice two sets of INSTRUCTIONS in our passage this morning. Look first at the Instructions to Children in Ephesians 6:1-3…

Major Ideas

#1: Instructions for Children (Eph. 6:1-3).

Ephesians 6:1–3 NASB95

[EXP] The word ‘children’ refers to small children still under the care of their parents.

All children are to obey their parents, but Christian children are to be especially obedient to their parents. They are to do what their parents say to do and refrain from doing what their parents forbid. They are to obey their parents ‘in the Lord.’

That phrase ‘in the Lord’ means that a Christian child must recognize the authority of his or her parents as coming from God. To rebel against the authority of parents then is to rebel against the authority of God.

Talking about governmental authority, Romans 13:1-2 says…

Romans 13:1–2 NASB95

1 Every person is to be in subjection to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those which exist are established by God. 2 Therefore whoever resists authority has opposed the ordinance of God; and they who have opposed will receive condemnation upon themselves.

Just as governmental authority comes from God and is established by Him, so parental authority comes from God and is established by Him.

And just as rebelling against governmental authority is to rebel against God, so to rebel against parental authority is to rebel against God.

Little children, please hear me, when you disobey your father or mother, you disobey God, and He is very displeased.

The Apostle Paul goes on to give us three reasons children should obey their parents.

First, it is right for children to obey their parents. When Paul says, “…this is right,” he is making a natural law or common grace argument. He is saying that almost everyone, everywhere knows that it’s right for children to obey their parents. You don’t have to be a Christian to know that you should obey your parents.

One write said, “…virtually all civilizations have regarded the recognition of parental authority as indispensable to a stable society.”

Children obeying their parents is just how God has ordered the world. It’s just right. When children obey their parents, individuals, families, and societies are rewarded.

It’s just right.

A second reason Christian children should obey their parents is because God commands it. Paul quotes from the Ten Commandments in Ephesians 6:2. It’s the fifth commandment: “Honor your father and mother,” and honoring your father and mother starts with obeying them.

A command is an explicit statement of God’s will. It’s a non-negotiable, a direct order, not a suggestion. Children, it’s God’s will for you to obey your parents.

He commands you to do it.

A third reason Christian children should obey their parents is because it’s good for you to obey your parents!

Paul says the command to honor your father and mother is the first commandment in the Ten Commandments with a promise, and that promise is in Ephesians 6:3…

Ephesians 6:3 NASB95

3 so that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth.

Now, this promise comes with two general blessings for you if you will obey your parents:

(1) In general, it will be well with you if you obey your parents. This means that your life will generally be better if you obey your parents. I’m not saying you’re life will be pain-free or that your life will always be happy, but in general your life will be better—more pleasant, more happy—if you obey your parents.

And (2) in general, you’ll live long on the earth if you obey your parents. You'll live long because you’re parents won’t kill you for disobeying them! No, that’s not what this means. This blessing means that we will live longer on the earth if we obey our parents because our parents are (or at least should be) always teaching us to do what is good and wise and to stay away from things that are bad and foolish. As we obey our parents, we tend to do more good and wise things—and not more bad and foolish things. Good and wise things preserve our lives on the earth. Bad and foolish things tend to shorten our lives on the earth.

So, you see, it is good for you to obey your parents!

God will bless you as you obey your parents.

As I said, the word ‘children’ certainly refers to small children under the care of their parents, but it could also apply to adult children as well. Perhaps immediately the question enters our minds, “When am I no longer obligated to obey my parents?” And I think the answer would be, “When you are no longer a child.”

Jewish culture suggests that a child is no longer a child around age 13. Does that mean that he or she is no longer obligated to obey their parents after that?

In the Roman culture of Paul’s day, a child was a child forever in the eyes of a Roman father. A father in the Roman culture exercised authority over the lives of his children until he died.

Western cultures, like the one we live in, tend to think of children reaching adulthood in stages. Indeed, we tend to think of adulthood as a stage of life rather than a certain age. We graduate high school, get a job or go to college; move out on our own, start paying our own bills. As we establish more and more independence, we tend to think of ourselves more and more as adults and not children—and, therefore, increasingly less obligated to absolutely obey our parents in everything.

[ILLUS] From time to time, Dalton works for a tree limb baron. (A tree limb baron is like an oil baron who is rich in oil, but this person is rich in tree limbs because he and Dalton are always hauling tree limbs when they work together.) Dalton will get paid a little bit for the work he does, but Dalton isn’t free to spend the money in just anyway he wants to. No, he still lives with his Mom and I, and there are some things we say he can’t buy even with his own money.

Because Dalton is still under our charge, he is expected to obey us.

But one day, Dalton will not be under our charge. He will be out on his own, paying his own bills, and he will no longer ask us if he can buy this or that. He will not be a child but an adult.

Even then, Cheryl and I may have counsel for him from time to time, and he will honor us by considering that counsel.

But if he chooses to do something different, he will not be disobeying us.

Obeying is the action.

Honor is the attitude.

As children becomes adults, obedience fades, but honor always remains.

Children, obey your parents.

Always honor your father and mother.

[TS] …

#2: Instructions for Parents (Eph. 6:4).

Ephesians 6:4 NASB95

4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

[EXP] Let’s start with the word ‘Fathers’ in this verse. It certainly is ‘fathers’ and this means that fathers must take the lead in the home. They must take the lead in bringing up the children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

For too long we fathers have believed the lie that we are to take the lead in work and let the mothers take the lead in the home.

We are to work. If any man is unwilling to work, he is worse than an unbeliever. But we are to take the lead in working and in bringing up the children.

This doesn’t mean that we change all the diapers or bandage all the skint knees, and it doesn’t mean we stay home all day with the kids, but it does mean that we set the course. We fathers establish the standard operating procedures in our home.

If we are patient, then the standard operating procedure in our homes is patience.

If we are kind, then the standard operating procedure in our homes is kindness.

We chart the course and the rest of the house follows our lead.

But this doesn’t exclude mothers. The mothers are married to the fathers and are therefore subject to their husbands as Ephesians 5:22 commands. This means that wives follow the lead of husbands; mothers follow the lead of fathers.

Surely it would not be wrong for fathers to provoke their children but permissible for mothers to do so. No, the command given to fathers here applies to mothers as well.

Fathers take the lead, but both father and mother are commanded not to provoke their children to anger, but to bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

To provoke a child to anger means to cause a child to become angry. This doesn’t mean that if we ever cause our children to be angry that we’ve sinned. A child may be angry because we tell him or her to turn off the TV and get on their school work. That does’t mean that we have provoked them to anger in some sinful way.

To provoke a child to anger in the way the Bible forbids is to do so, as one person put it, by “excessively severe discipline, unreasonably harsh demands, abuse of authority, arbitrariness, unfairness, constant nagging and condemnation, subjecting a child to humiliation, and all forms of gross insensitivity to a child’s needs and sensibilities,” (Andrew Lincoln).

We should ask ourselves as parents, “Is our discipline constructive or destructive?”

“Do I use my authority over my child to build them up or tear them down?”

“Are my expectations of my child consistent or arbitrary, based on a momentary whim?”

“Do I demand perfection or understand that a child is a child and that not even I behave perfectly?”

“Do I condemn with a look and a shake of the head or do I forgive with a patient smile and a patient touch?”

If we have obedient children who are eager to please us, then they are especially at risk of growing discouraged, dejected, depressed, angry, and bitter if we continually provoke them to anger. Colossians 3:21 says…

Colossians 3:21 NASB95

21 Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.

Let us not do anything that would cause our children to lose heart, to lose joy, to lose hope.

Rather, we are to nourish them.

The phrase ‘bring them up’ in v. 4 is the same as ‘nourish’ in v. 29. Just as man nourishes his own body, a husband must nourish his wife. Just a man nourishes his own body, fathers specifically and father and mother together must nourish their children.

They must nourish them with the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Discipline is training. It can take the form of promoting good behavior or correcting bad behavior. Or we might think of it as establishing good habits or breaking bad habits. It means to comprehensively train or tutor a child to walk in a way that pleases the Lord.

Instruction is verbally calling attention to what must be learned. It might come as exhortations, warnings, or rebukes, but it is always calling attention to what the Lord would have us to learn.

This bringing up in discipline and instruction is not merely training in morality. It is ‘of the Lord’. It is discipline and instruction that set’s a child’s faith and hope in Christ.

[ILLUS] Let’s say you have a little one that has started to tell lies. You catch them in some particular lie, and you say, “You shouldn’t tell lies. Lying is wrong.” Then you tell them a little story that illustrates how lying is wrong. Now, no one should tell lies and lying is wrong, and stories that illustrate that point are good for us to hear, but is that discipline and instruction in the Lord?

If we would bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord in that moment, we should tell them who God is, what He demands, and what He offers.

God is truth, and therefore He is very displeased with lying.

God demands that we not lie. In His Word, He said, “You shall not lie.”

But if we have lied, God offers to forgive us and help us in Jesus.

The price for our lying is death but Jesus died that death for us on the cross.

And because Jesus has been raised from the dead, He can help us stop lying if we ask Him for forgiveness and ask Him for help.

Do you want to ask Him for forgiveness? Do you want to ask Him for help?

Now, to be sure, it’s just easier to say, “Stop lying you little liar,” but that provokes our children to anger. It exasperates them, and God says we must not do that.

It would be better to teach morality than to exasperate, but morality won’t work because ultimately there’s no power in morality.

Exasperation is bad. Morality is better. But best of all is to bring children up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

When we do that, children see that right and wrong is rooted in God.

When we do that, children see what God demands of them.

When we do that, children find forgiveness and hope in Jesus Christ.

Conclusion

The one word that summarizes everything we’ve talked about in Ephesians 6:1-4 is ‘love.’

Children who truly love their parents obey and honor their parents.

Parents who truly love their children bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

J.C. Ryle became well known preacher and leader in the church in the 1800’s, but before that he was a child who was loved.

He tells the story of being with his mother in church. She had given him a bit of candy to keep him quiet during the service, but he dropped it of course. His mother motioned for him to pick it up, but it had rolled away. J.C. began to crawl under and around several pews as the preacher preached until he finally yelled out in frustration, “I can’t find it anywhere!”

His mother was probably not pleased, but she loved him.

Later he would write to his own children as they began to bring up their own children. He wrote, “Love is the one grand secret of successful training… Try hard to keep a hold of your child’s affections.”

In a sermon titled, Duties of Christian Parents to Their Children, he said, “Precious, no doubt, are these little ones in your eyes; but if you love them, think often of their souls… No part of them should be so dear to you as that part which will never die. The world, with all its glory, shall pass away; the hills shall melt… But the spirit which dwells in those little creatures, whom you love so well, shall outlive them all… In every stop you take about them, in every plan, and scheme, and arrangement that concerns them, do not leave out the mighty question, ‘How will this affect their souls?’”