How Do I Help My Kids... Behave

You know, last week when we were talking about helping our kids make friends, I made this invitation: text us about what you’re dealing with, parents, when it comes to this area of your parenting.

And several of you did—so I want to make the same invitation this week.

But I want to share with you several of the questions you asked last week—because they’re kind of relevant for this week as well:

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Text us! Send your questions to 99581.

“My 5-year old doesn’t understand that he can’t hurt people…”

“How do you help your child with anxiety/depression when they don’t wan’t to talk?”

“How do you help your child navigate the ‘drama?’ They don’t take my suggestions…”

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So we’ve got questions, parents—don’t we?

Parenting can really be a high pressure and difficult job at times. And there can be more than a few times where you feel like you’re caught between a rock and a hard place when you’re trying to help your kids with some of their behavior problems:

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“I’ve tried everything… and nothing’s working.”

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It’s not like parenting is always that way, or even mostly that way. But there are times when it certainly does feel that way: I’ve tried everything, and nothing’s working.

And when we talk about helping our kids behave, that’s an area of parenting where we’re probably the most likely to feel that. I’ve tried everything to help them… teach them… coach them… force them…

To behave. To stop doing the wrong thing, and start doing the right thing.

So if that’s you, I’ve got great news for you today:

I’ve got the parenting sliver bullet that will solve literally every behavior problem that any parent has ever had or will ever have. I’ve got it.

And it can be yours for only 4 easy payments of $19.95… (is that still a relevant reference? “4 Easy Payments?” Maybe update to “check out my monthly subscription service where I’ll deliver a cool box of parenting stuff to your door?)

Wouldn’t it be great to have a sliver bullet that solved all of your kids’ behavior issues? When you’ve tried everything and nothing’s working? nWouldn’t that be so great?

Reality Check

Well, in case you haven’t picked up on the joke, let me just say the thing that all of us already knew to be true:

There isn’t a silver bullet for this one.

And not only that; let’s get a few other things on the table here as well before we dive in. Here’s a few reality checks in this area of parenting:

First:

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Reality Checks:

We all start from very different places with very different convictions.

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Some of you have some pretty strong convictions that under no circumstances should you punish your child. Some of you are exactly the opposite: if you’re not spanking your child, you’re probably not parenting your child.

Some of us remember what our parents did with us as use it as our model; others of us are trying to break free from where we came from and do it differently with our kids.

We all start from very different places with very different convictions. That’s just a fact.

#2:

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Reality Checks:

We all start from very different places with very different convictions.

Not all kids are the same.

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What works with my kids might not work with yours, or vice versa. We’ve got the quiet readers, the bouncing off the wall kids, the “if you look at me with disappointment I’ll be crushed” kids, and the “you could ground me for an eternity and I’m still going to do whatever I want” kids. Every child is a little different. There’s not a one-size-fits-all way of helping your kids behave.

3rd and final:

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Reality Checks:

We all start from very different places with very different convictions.

Not all kids are the same.

Principles are universal; application is specific.

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And this is really where we’re going this weekend: when it comes to helping your kids behave, there are some principles that are universal—meaning they are true for every parent and every child. But how you apply those principles to your specific child… that’s pretty specific. It may not look the same way. In fact, it probably shouldn’t.

So, let’s get to it:

5 Principles

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5 Principles for Helping Your Kids Behave

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Here are (5) principles for helping your kids behave. These are universally true. They have to be applied differently, depending on who you are and how your child is wired. But they are relevant for everyone, everywhere.

#1:

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5 Principles for Helping Your Kids Behave

Discipline is a four letter word: love.

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So I know I’m kinda challenging right out of the gate here, but I think a lot of us as parents approach discipline like it‘s a different kind of four-letter word. One that shouldn’t ever be uttered. Avoided at all costs. Never good.

But it’s exactly the opposite: to discipline your child is to love them.

Take a look at what Proverbs 13:24 says:

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Proverbs 13:24 “Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them.”

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So there‘s the Bible, right? There it is, that backwards book telling parents to beat their kids.

Well, couple of things here. First: it’s a proverb, which is by definition a principle or a saying. To interpret it correctly, you’ve got to extract the principle in the proverb.

So what’s it saying? Is it trying to say that you have to find a literal rod of some sort? Does it have to be word, or would iron be ok?

That’s ridiculous, right? What’s it saying?

It’s saying that if you don’t discipline—if you feel like it’s loving to spare them from any kind of discipline—that, in fact, that’s unloving.

I love how the Message translation of the Bible captures it:

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Proverbs 13:24 A refusal to correct is a refusal to love; love your children by disciplining them.

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I’m so far from being a perfect parent. But just give me the grace to say this to you, parents:

This is, by far, the most common mistake I witness other parents making: simply not correcting your child’s behavior when it needs to be corrected.

I’m not telling you how to do it. I’m not saying that you’re doing it wrong. I’m not suggesting that you do it how I do it or going to make suggestions about what works for my kids.

But what I am saying is that I watch a lot of bad behavior being tolerated, excused, negotiated, laughed off, or just plain ignored.

Proverbs is telling us: if you love your child, you’ll discipline them.

So, let me give you just a few things that have been helpful for my wife and I as we’ve navigated this with our kids when it comes to disciplining them:

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5 Principles for Helping Your Kids Behave

Discipline is a four letter word: love.

Be consistent. Consistency = guardrails.

Stay proportional. The “punishment” has to fit the “crime.”

Not out of anger. Anger leads to abuse.

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(Explain.)

Ok. There‘s the first principle. Here’s the second:

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5 Principles for Helping Your Kids Behave

2. Remember you’re raising adults.

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That’s the goal, right? We’re not raising kids; we’re raising adults.

It’s really easy as a parent to bow to the tyranny of the urgent. And there’s not better month than the month of May to illustrate this, right? I was talking with Pastor Cory this week, who pastors our church up in New Hampton. They were out one night in New Hampton for a band concert, then up to Decorah for a kids’ game, then down to Waverly I think, then back in New Hampton for something else.

One sport ends; another begins. It’s about all we can do to just show up on time at the right place most days.

But when we let the tyranny of the urgent or whatever is right in front of us define our vision for our kids, that’s where we get in trouble.

This is why Proverbs says this:

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Proverbs 22:6 “Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.”

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Remember: that’s not a prescription or a promise; not a guarantee… just a principle. But a good one.

And that’s a pretty key phrase there: the “way they should go.” I want to have in my mind right now the way I want them to eventually be—so that, when they eventually get there, there’s a good chance they’ll be who they need to be.

Two quick stories: (Jude: “sometimes guys have to do hard things;” Ellie: “what do you do when you’re the smartest/most popular/most influential person in the room?”)

So, couple of quick tips for this one:

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5 Principles for Helping Your Kids Behave

2. Remember you’re raising adults.

Imagine the end.

Talk to your kids now (and often!) about their adult selves.

Play the long game. Even crises are temporary.

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(Explain.)

Okay. There’s number 2. #3:

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5 Principles for Helping Your Kids Behave

3. Get some help.

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Full transparency: this is not a strength of mine, generally speaking. It’s actually quite the opposite: I don’t like asking for help.

And I’m not wearing that like a badge. It’s not something that I’m actually secretly proud of—you know, like when you‘re asked about your weakness in a job interview and you say something like “I care too much” or “I work too hard.”

I’m not good at asking for help—and that’s not a good thing.

(Story of closing the Waterloo Campus down/merging with Hope City; started to re-roof my detached 3-stall garage by myself that same day)

I think more than a few of us as parents have almost worked ourselves into that same spot. We’ve got some things going on with our kids that other people wouldn’t understand—or maybe if we pulled back the curtain on, it’d reflect poorly on us.

Maybe you’re seeing something in your kid that you think might be your fault—and you don‘t really want to face that.

Maybe you’re wondering if your child might need some help socially, or emotionally, or developmentally—but you’re worried about them being labeled or seen differently.

There’s a host of reasons, parents, why it might seem like the only option that we have is to build up the walls and go at it alone—whether we’re protecting our kids or simply our own ego.

Let me encourage you, though:

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Proverbs 15:22 “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.”

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The context of this one probably is a king in his war room either before or during a battle. The enemy is at the door. There’s a lot on the line. And what the author is saying is this:

The worst thing you can do is hole up.

The right move is to get a few more trusted voices around the table.

Practically, here’s what this could look like:

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5 Principles for Helping Your Kids Behave

3. Get some help.

Start with a trusted friend.

Lean into your church.

Stay open to professional help.

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(Explain.)

2 more. #4:

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5 Principles for Helping Your Kids Behave

4. Don’t give up.

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I’ve never run a marathon (and I don‘t have any desire to; like, not at all; ever). But I’m sure there’s at least one or two people in the room who have.

And if you ever hear the stories that marathon runners tell, they’ll talk about “the wall.” Right? What’s “the wall?”

Well, they say that around mile 20 is usually when your body has used up all of the energy that’s stored in the muscles—which cues your body to essentially shut down to preserve energy. You’ve literally got no good fuel left. Continuing on starts to force the body to fuel itself in ways that are really, really uncomfortable. After pushing through fatigue for 20 miles, it forces some runners to walk, crawl, or even stop.

And it’s a really emotional and discouraging place to be, too. All the training; all the sacrifice; all the pain—only to hit the wall.

Not to extend this metaphor too far, but I think it’s fair to say:

Parenting is a marathon.

And some of us have hit the wall.

You got the news that your kid did something that you can’t even believe. One bad decision or a series of bad decisions; maybe an email from a teacher or a phone call from the school administration. Maybe a call from the sheriff’s office, even.

Or maybe it’s not your child; maybe it’s you. Maybe you screwed up. And you did something or you said something that inflicted a lot of damage.

That’s the wall. And it’s called the wall because it feels like you’re not ever going to be able to get through it or push beyond it.

Listen:

Don’t. Give. Up.

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James 1:2-4 “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

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When James is talking about this, he’s talking to a group of people who have hit the wall. For them it was literal, physical persecution at the hands of the government for practicing their faith. And I’m not just talking like someone said something mean to them on Twitter or they didn’t feel like the culture treated them fairly. I’m talking drag you out of your home and string you up.

And here’s what James says to those people:

The wall doesn’t have to force you to quit. The wall can actually be a gift that teaches you a really, really valuable skill: perseverance.

(Myth buster: George Washington bio)

Okay. Last one. #5:

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5 Principles for Helping Your Kids Behave

5. Treat misbehavior as an opportunity to point to our need for grace.

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(Book recommendation: “Give them Grace.”)

The book captures this biblical truth:

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Galatians 3:19 “Why, then, was the law given at all? It was added because of transgressions until the Seed to whom the promise referred (Jesus!) had come.”

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As parents, you‘re “the law.” That’s one of the roles that you play. Your job is to teach your kids right from wrong, to help them do right, and to help keep themselves from doing wrong.

That’s what the law does.

But the question Galatians is asking is this:

Because we all fall short, because we know what God says right but so often fail to do what is right, then is God kinda setting us up to fail? What’s the point of knowing what’s right but not being able to do it?

And is this my lot in life as a parent—to be the “Chief Reminding Officer” for my kids, constantly nagging them about what they should be doing or what they need to stop doing? “Clean your room! Get off screens! Stop hitting your sister! Did you get your homework done? That college application isn’t going to fill itself out…”

No. Galatians says that God gave us the law so that when we fall short (time and time again, even), it points us to our need for grace.

Every time your kid messes up. Every time you mess up. Every time someone knows what’s right and fails to do it. Every time you have to kind of lay down the law. Every time, there’s an opportunity: