Transformed Relationships

Last week, we started our new six-week series that is called, “Transformed: How Jesus Changes Everything” and today, as we continue that series we are going to talk about how Jesus changes our relationships.

It’s generally understood that all of our relationships sit on a continuum between simple and complex; between transactional and intimate. Three years ago, many of you would have seen your relationship with your Amazon delivery driver on one end of the spectrum as a simple and transactional relationship, but now, he or she may be your most trusted friend as they deliver your retail therapy 2, 3 or 4 times per week. You’re asking about their dog’s surgery and they are praying over you and holding you as you weep in their arms. In fact, for some of you, it’s gotten a little weird, hasn’t it?

Some relationships are simple. You wave, say thanks and don’t think about them again until the next time you see them. Some relationships are more complex. An example of that would be 76-year-old Bill Baker of London, England who, after his wife’s passing, got remarried to Edna Harvey. She happened to be his granddaughter's husband's mother. That's where the confusion began, according to Baker's granddaughter, Lynn.

According to Lynn, her mother-in-law is now her step-grandmother. Her grandfather is now her stepfather-in-law. Her mom is her sister-in-law and her brother is her nephew. But even crazier is that she’s now married to her uncle and her own children are her cousins. You gotta think Christmas is complicated in that family.

It’s a pretty universal understanding that relationships are tricky. In fact, I would say that the closer relationally one person is to another correlates to the level of emotional complexity between them. That’s why husbands and wives, parents and children, brothers and sisters and best friends all are relationships that are full of joys and sorrows, times of peace and times of conflict, equal parts love for each other and frustration at each other. The closer you get, the messier it can become.

How many of you has at least one relationship where the best word we could use to describe it would be messy - one relationship that you wish was different in how you both related to each other?

The good news is that Jesus changes everything. He can transform your broken relationships into ones that are emotionally healthy, that are full of intimacy, that bring life to your soul.

But this transformation has some requirements of us for it to succeed. It's a transformation that is brought about as we draw near to Jesus. When it comes to life change, or relationship change, often people want God to do the work in other people. And sometimes that does need to happen as well. But God’s first priority is you. The way that God transforms our relationships is by first changing you and I from the inside out. To the degree that we become emotionally and spiritually healthier, our relationships will also become healthier.

So what are the requirements that we need to fulfill in order to see Jesus transform us and our relationships? Let’s look to the Bible for those answers in 1 Corinthians, chapter 13.

1 Corinthians 13:1–13 NLT

If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing. Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture! But when the time of perfection comes, these partial things will become useless. When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely. Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.

Pray.

This passage is often known as the “love chapter” of the Bible. It is read at countless weddings every year as couples celebrate their love for each other. And while there are lots of great, practical teachings within it that a couple could glean from it, it was not written with romantic love in mind.

This shouldn’t surprise you, but chapter 1 Corinthians 13 comes right in between 1 Corinthians 12 and 1 Corinthians 14. Crazy, right? But that is important because it helps us understand the context of what Paul is saying. In chapter 12, Paul introduces the idea of the gifts of the Holy Spirit - skills that God imparts to people when they become followers of Jesus in order to help build up the church. In chapter 14, he teaches how the more miraculous ones should be used in the church. So, Paul sandwiches our passage about love in between two chapters that focus on how the church is supposed to work together.

This means that Paul intends this definition of love in chapter 13 to be the glue of how we, as a church, relate to each other. This passage isn’t about romantic love, it’s about how Christians are supposed to treat others.

So, what, specifically, does this passage teach us about what relational health looks like? What requirement is there upon us so that Jesus can transform our relationships? It’s Christ-like love. This whole chapter in 1 Corinthians 13 is Paul’s definition of what a Christ-like love for others should like. As I see it, there are _____ aspects of Christ-like love that we need to embrace in order to see relational transformation:

1. Patience

2 Peter 3:9 says, “The Lord isn’t really being slow about his promise, as some people think. No, he is being patient for your sake. He does not want anyone to be destroyed, but wants everyone to repent.”

The road to relational transformation varies in length in proportion of the offence. If it’s no big deal, it may be a short journey to get where you want to be. If it’s a big deal with lots of wounding, the road can be very long and it will require us to have a lot of patience to get there. That’s probably why Paul prays “that you will be strengthened with all his glorious power so you will have all the endurance and patience you need. ” - Colossians 1:11

Even the patron saint of Stratford, William Shakespeare, in his play, “Othello,” writes, “How poor are they that have not patience! What wound did ever heal but by degrees?” The journey to emotional health can take a long time, depending on the person and the wounding they have experienced and so we have to have a supernatural, Christ-like patience that God, who is good, will work out the healing, whether it’s in us, the ones we are in conflict with, or both.

2. Kindness

The second aspect of Christ-like love in our passage in 1 Corinthians is kindness. Doctor, Theologian and philanthropist Albert Schweitzer once said, “Constant kindness can accomplish much. As the sun makes ice melt, kindness causes misunderstanding, mistrust, and hostility to evaporate."

Kindness has a way of breaking down the barriers that we erect to protect our hearts. After all, that’s what God did for us. He poured out his kindness unto us through Jesus. The Bible says of God that

Ephesians 1:7–8 NLT

He is so rich in kindness and grace that he purchased our freedom with the blood of his Son and forgave our sins. He has showered his kindness on us, along with all wisdom and understanding.

So, in addition to lots of patience, in order to see relationship transformation, we need to find ways to be kind to each other.

3. Trust

The third aspect of Christ-like love is trust. And this one is really hard because sometimes your trust with another person is broken. And that’s why it’s so important that you put your trust in Jesus. While others will invariably let you down to some degree or another, Jesus will always lift you up. When we rely on Jesus to lead us and guide us, we can trust that he will lead us towards better emotional and spiritual health, even if the journey to it is painful and heartbreaking. Paul demonstrates this kind of trust when he says in Galatians 2:20, “My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”

Trusting in Jesus, who, like Rick Astley is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you will empower you to move towards health as he forms his character in you.

4. Endurance

The next aspect of Christ-like love is endurance. This is the willpower to not give up on the relationship. And to be fair, sometimes, you can forgive someone but, for the sake of your soul, you need to distance yourself from a person because they are toxic for you. That’s a reality of life. But for the majority of our relationships, we need to have a stubborn willpower to not give up on someone, especially if you see them trying to grow.

2 Timothy 2:9–10 NLT

And because I preach this Good News, I am suffering and have been chained like a criminal. But the word of God cannot be chained. So I am willing to endure anything if it will bring salvation and eternal glory in Christ Jesus to those God has chosen.

For Paul, he was willing to endure anything, including prison, to bring glory to Jesus. Similarly, I think that we need to endure and not give up on certain relationships in order to give glory to God.

5. Hope

This next aspect of Christ-like love is connected to endurance. It is hope. And how can we endure if there is no hope? Hope is the fuel to our tanks, the why’s to our what’s, the reason to get out of bed in the morning. Hope is our primary motivator in life. Hope that our physical health improves motivates us to eat right and exercise. Hope that that special person is out there motivates us to keep dating. The hope of the kingdom coming motivates us to endure in our Christian faith in the face of increasing hostility. Hope is essential in our lives and in our relationships. Marriage counselling can help repair brokenness when you both have hope for a better marriage. Friendships can be repaired when both parties are hopeful for the future. For there to be relational transformation, we need to hold on to, or reclaim, hope. That’s why Paul prays, “I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.” - Romans 15:13 NLT

6. Forgiveness

The final aspect of Christ-like love that is described in 1 Corinthians 13 that can transform your relationships is forgiveness. Our entire faith rests upon the idea that Jesus died and was resurrected so that we could be forgiven by God. That the debt that our sin incurred has been paid by Jesus, satisfying God’s holy justice. It is not that we are innocent, it is that we are forgiven. And because we are forgiven, we can be reconciled to God if we repent - if we acknowledge our sin before God and turn away from it. And the same thing is true in our relationships with each other. That’s why God places such an emphasis on forgiveness in the Bible. Look at what Jesus says in his sermon on the mount:

Matthew 6:14–15 NLT

“If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.

I don’t have the time and space to properly expound on what Jesus is saying here, but at the very least, see how important forgiveness of each other is to Jesus. The word “forgive” or “forgiveness” appears 86 times in just the New Testament alone. Forgiveness is to be a foundational aspect of Christian life and isn’t taught to us as a option, or as a “best practice” but as a command from God.

Mark 11:25 NLT

But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too.”

So what is forgiveness? Forgiveness is about releasing someone from the debt they owe you. Maybe you feel like someone owes you an apology. Some people wait until the apology is given and then forgive the person because the payment has been made. That’s fine. The only problem with it is it keeps you in bondage and the relationship remains broken until they apologize. But there is another way. Another way to approach it is to forgive the person, whether they apologize or not. You can release the person from the obligation to even apologize because forgiveness is more about you than it is them. Their behaviour may have hurt you - and I don’t think we should ever minimize that - but you can refuse to allow them to dictate what goes on in your heart. Forgiveness is primarily an internal thing. It is about you letting go of the anger and hurt that they caused. Earlier, I said that the way God transforms relationships is by first transforming us. This is what I am talking about. When we forgive others, it marks a change internally of how we will choose to view and act towards those who have hurt us. That change is what will allow us move towards relational transformation. So, If you can be a person who forgives quickly and generously, I believe you will see greater emotional and spiritual health both within your heart and in your relationships.

7. Maturity

One of the beautiful things about embracing a Christ-like love is that it propels us towards a deeper maturity.

1 Corinthians 13:11–12 NLT

When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.

Because our identity is rooted in the ways that Jesus has loved us, we can let go of childish things like needing to win, or needing to know everything. Maturity is about embracing who we are and who we are not. We embrace that we are flawed people on a journey so we can own our own mistakes and take responsibility for them. We embrace that we are not God and that we don’t have to control the narrative or execute judgment - we can leave that for God. Because we know that God loves us, despite all the ways that we fail him, we can be free to love others who have failed us and hurt us. In order for us to experience relational transformation, we need to allow Jesus to form spiritual and emotional maturity in us so we can approach others at our best selves.

Conclusion

Relational transformation requires us to have a Christ-like love that is patient, kind, trusting, enduring, hopeful, forgiving and mature and Jesus himself sets the standard of what that looks like as we are called in Scripture to become like him. The bad news is that none of us have this all down yet. That means we are going to struggle when we are in conflicts, or when we are in a relationship that we would like to see some transformation in. But the good news is that none of us have this all down yet, so there is always an opportunity for us to grow in these areas. Because we aren’t perfect in them, we can have grace for ourselves and for others as we grow.

Relational transformation is, for me, one of those things that it can be easy to preach, but incredibly difficult to live out. It requires us to die to ourselves and to seek the good of someone else above our own. It requires us to go down in the depths of our hearts and search out the things that hold us back. It requires us to look at our actions and see how we are impacting others. And I admit it, honestly and vulnerably, that I am still growing in this area. I don’t have it all together. I don’t practice what I have just preached with perfection. But God isn’t done working in me yet and he’s not done working in you and your relationships either. So may we all have a supernatural, God-given love and grace for each other as we allow Jesus to transform us and our relationships from the inside out.

Pray.