Marriage Counseling

Purpose of Meeting: To help you identify reasons for conflict in your marriage and apply the Bible to it.

I am on no one’s side. And I will not judge you for how you feel or what you say. Also, you have goals for this meeting—things you hope are achieved. Put those “goals” aside and know that God works on his pace—not yours.

Pray.

Q. Why do you believe there is fighting and tension in your marriage?

Q. What do you want that you are not getting?

Q. What does the Bible say?

James 4:1–10 (ESV)

What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. Or do you suppose it is to no purpose that the Scripture says, “He yearns jealously over the spirit that he has made to dwell in us”? But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.

We often think if the circumstances around our marriage change then the marriage will get better. But James doesn’t say we have a circumstance problem. We have a desire problem. Our desires are often selfish.

Selfish desires are those desires that are so strong and self-interested that we are willing to sin in order to achieve or preserve them, or to sin in attitude or action when our efforts to achieve or preserve them fail.

Breakdown of James 4:1-10

We desire something that we aren’t getting.

Respect, peace, understanding, intimacy, etc.

Because you aren’t getting what you desire you fight and quarrel.

Your desires are selfish desires that you are willing to sin to get or in response to not getting them.

Selfishness is contrary to God. It is an attribute of the world.

But where selfishness is present God gives more grace.

If we want to resolve conflict in our marriage then we must seek to be humble before God.

Submit ourselves to God and resist the Devil.

We can have good desires and react sinfully when we don’t get them.

See sin for what it really is and repent of it asking God to work in our hearts.

Proud, self-interest collides with the will of God for you.

When we love ourselves more than Jesus we will have conflict in our marriage.

The Secret to a good marriage.

Philippians 2:3-4 “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

When we seek to be humble before God and our spouse we are doing our part to ensure that our marriage is pleasing to God and us.

5 Expressions of Conflict in Marriage

Corrupt Words

We speak from the overflow of our hearts. We often say, “I didn’t mean that.”

Luke 6:45 “The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.”

Rejection of Correction

“All of us, by sinful nature have an aversion to correction. Our flesh hates being shown its errors. It longs to look good and to “save face”. We would rather the sins of others be brought to light, not our own. When we hurt others or fail on some way, we run for the shadows, created diversions, and cover up. Much of the conflict we will ever face in our marriages arises from our proud, hard-hearted refusal to genuinely hear the concerns of others—especially the concerns of our spouses.”

One Acting as Two

“So when a man and a woman marry each other, their lives are to change in relation to everything else. The way that we steward our God-furnished bodies, time, energy, money, words, friendships, possessions, and everything else should now have our God-given mates in consideration.”

Trusting Our Own Eyes

We trust how we see the world versus what God says.

Following Our Own Counsel

We do what we think is best not what God says is best.

Q. Which of these expressions do you see taking place in your marriage?

Q. What does the Bible say about these things?

Q. What should you do in response?

The State of our Union

Rate your marriage from 1-10.

State 5 things you appreciate about your spouse from this past week.

Talk through unresolved conflicts.

Calendar the next week so you are on the same page.

What is one thing I can do for you this week to show you I love you?

Homework

Implement the State of our Union exercise.

Reach chapter 9 from Catching Foxes.