Godly Wisdom for Parents

Introduction

Happy Father’s Day! We are taking a break from our walk through Habakkuk to look at Ephesians 6:1-4, with a focus on verse 4, for encouragement on our roles as fathers. And this encouragement, like what we saw on Mother’s day, is encouragement for both parents, but we are going to look at what Paul has to say specifically to Father’s, knowing that the role of both parents are important in the life of a child.

The first half of the book of Ephesians, Paul is walking through the Gospel and our need for God’s grace. That we are saved by grace through faith and not by works lest any of us should boast.

Through the last half of the letter, Paul shows how that grace impacts us as believers and as the church as we live with each other and relate to one another. Paul walks through the different human relationships that we are a part of, starting with marriage, parents and children, and masters and slaves or employers and employees and shows how God’s grace enables us to love one another with Christ’s perfect love.

Part of how God’s grace changes us is how God gives us wisdom in how we relate to our own children. As we look at this passage, please note that God has been speaking to me and that this message is for me probably more than for anyone else here. I am not seeking to give advice on something I have accomplished, but simply to look at and hopefully adopt the wisdom for parenting and fatherhood in particular that comes from God’s Word.

While we will be focusing on Ephesians 6:4, I think it important to read through parts of chapter 5 before we get to Paul’s dealing with the parent/child relationship in chapter 6. So if you will stand with me in the reading of God’s Word.

Read Ephesians 5:1-2

Ephesians 5:1–2 (ESV)

Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

Ephesians 6:1–4 (ESV)

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Don’t Provoke Your Children

The first thing Paul tells us as Fathers specifically, and parents in general, is to not provoke our children to anger. What does it mean to provoke our children to anger and how could we do that. Well, if we look at what the motivation for leading and guiding our children should be, then we can see what might cause them to be provoked.

We should lead in love

Ephesians 5:1–2 ESV

Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

I am confident that every father and parent in here loves their child or wants to love their child however imperfectly. Of course, we also have to admit that our love is imperfect because we are sinners. Just as every believer wants to love others, we also know we struggle with love because of our own sin.

So we have to go back to what it means to love. Love is more than just the favorable feelings that we might have for someone else. While we should certainly have those affectionate feelings, love goes deeper than that as well. Love is the active seeking for the best for someone else.

As God is love and everything He does is for His glory and for the good of His people, so we must be parents who work for the good of our children, even at great sacrifice to ourselves and our desires, which, no matter how much we love our children, can be a hard task to accomplish.

Now, this doesn’t mean that our children won’t get angry with us for decisions that we make for their good, but we want to make sure we are not provoking them to anger because of our lack of love in how we discipline and teach.

Just like we cannot make peace with someone who doesn’t want it, we can at least say that we are making peace as far as it depends on us.

In the same way, we want to say that our children cannot become angry with us for our lack of Christ-like love for them. They may still get angry with us when we don’t give them what they want, but they cannot get angry with us for a lack of true genuine love.

How could we provoke to anger?

Some ways we might provoke our children to anger are:

Unreasonableness - Sometimes its when we are have unrealistic expectations with what our children can or should do. It can lead to frustration for the child never being able to live up to the expectations of the parent because the requests are always out of their ability to perform.

Neglect - Sometimes its when we don’t exercise God’s authority at all and we do not set any boundaries. While kids may think they like that, children need boundaries and they will eventually learn that a lack of boundaries is also a lack of Christ-like love.

Inconsistency - Sometimes its inconsistency with our expectations and authority. It could be setting one set of expectations, but failing to follow through with the consequences. Now, there’s room for grace, but if there’s always inconsistency in the exercise of authority, it can lead to frustration on the part of the child and insecurity never knowing exactly what to expect. It might also be inconsistency between what we say is right, but then what we do ourselves. Living by the mantra - “Do what I say, not what I do.” Children learn by example more than they learn by words. Our words and our actions must be consistent with one another or our children can become frustrated that what they see and what they hear are not matching up.

These are just a few of the many ways we can provoke our children to anger and they all stem from a lack of Christ-like love because of our own sinful nature. I have been guilty of these and others like them in which I have had to repent to God and to my children for these.

What we need is to daily pray and seek God’s strength and spirit to love our children with God’s love as we lead and guide them to grow into who God has made them to be.

Practice Loving Discipline

So, now that we have seen that we should not provoke our children to anger and we should seek to make a Christ-like love our motivation for leading them, what does it look like to love our children like Christ? Paul gives us two aspects, discipline and instruction in the Lord.

Discipline is Training

Discipline here is training that includes the negative aspect of punishment and consequences to teach and train to avoid certain behaviors and situations. Discipline itself is not a pleasant thing, either for the child or for the parent, or it shouldn’t be pleasant for the parent.

Hebrews 12:11 ESV

For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

We are all born with a sin nature, inclined to turn away from the Lord.

None of us are born with the knowledge of how to avoid things that are harmful for us and we must be taught and shown what to do and what not to do.

The purpose of discipline is to train for righteousness. Good and righteous discipline is for the purpose of helping our children to turn away from unhealthy and unrighteous behavior and seek to trust and obey God with their lives.

Discipline is to help our children develop the right and healthy fear, awe, and reverence of the Lord.

Discipline must be Loving and Nourishing

While discipline is never pleasant and often painful, it should not be harmful.

There are some who justify physical abuse by labeling it as discipline.

It is significant that Paul says to “bring them up” in the discipline. The words here to “bring them up” is the same as in Ephesians 5:29

Ephesians 5:29 ESV

For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church,

where Paul describes how a man will nourish and cherish his own flesh. To care for it and to be gentle with it. If the goal of discipline is not righteousness driven by loving care and nourishment, then it is in danger of potentially becoming abuse.

The strength of a man is not seen in his unleashing of uncontrolled anger, but in the self-controlled love for his child and family to seek their care and well-being above his own need to be right. After all, the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-controlled. If we are going to be fathers and parents who are going to nourish in the discipline of the Lord, we must display the fruit of the Spirit in our relationships with both our wives and our children.

Yes, there is a sense in which discipline is painful and unpleasant, and yes God is angry against sin, but because we are sinners, our anger is often fueled by our sinfulness rather than God’s righteousness. So we need to always check our own emotions and temper with the help of God’s Spirit. Only in the power of the Holy Spirit can we control our anger and to apply the right amount of discipline in the right and loving way.

Discipline will best be carried out as we seek the best for our children and as we aim for their salvation and righteousness in Christ. The motivation behind all discipline, even painful punitive discipline is love.

Provide Teaching of the Gospel

Finally, while discipline covers the negative aspect of correcting bad behavior, we also have the responsibility of positive teaching and direction in the life of our children.

Teaching our children the Word of God

Instruction in the Lord starts with the Word of God. We have the responsibility to teach our children what God has revealed to us through God’s Word, especially of God’s plan of salvation through Christ alone. Our children must hear us and see us exalt the work of Christ upon the cross in our lives.

This is a responsibility that God has given to us as parents, not to Sunday school teachers and youth pastors. They certainly partner with families and parents as the church helps to support what God has commissioned the family to do, but the primary ones God has given the teaching responsibilities are fathers and mothers.

We see this command in Deuteronomy 6:4-7

Deuteronomy 6:4–7 (ESV)

“Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.

God commanded the parents within the congregation of God’s people to teach His commands and statutes to their children.

We want to help our children learn and know God’s Word. God knows that salvation comes when people respond in faith to the hearing of His Word.

Romans 10:17 (ESV)

So faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ.

God has chosen to save people through the preaching and teaching of His Word, so if our children are going to believe in Christ, they must hear and learn God’s Word, not just once a week at church, but throughout the week.

This includes having family worship times throughout the week. You can start with once a week and build up from there. Perhaps set a time after dinner once a week to read from the Word or from a devotional Bible or storybook Bible for younger children.

There are resources that can help us teach through God’s Word to our children at different times of their development.

For preschool children:

The Jesus Storybook Bible

For younger elementary:

The Biggest Story Bible Storybook

For older elementary/middle school:

More Than a Story

For middle school/high school:

A family devotional Bible

These are just a few of the many resources out there to help parents and grandparents lead and teach their children in the Lord.

And of course, our teaching doesn’t all have to be during a formal time. Deut 6 tells us to talk about God’s Word when we sit in the house (at dinner time or another family gathering time), when we walk along the way (as we are on the way to school or the grocery store), when you lie down (bedtime) and when you rise (morning and at breakfast). There will be ways you can start conversations about God’s Word. Maybe it’s after you watch a movie and there was something in there that either affirmed or opposed what God’s Word says and you need to address the issue from God’s Word. Maybe it’s something you saw on the news or your child heard at school or even from a book they are having to read. There are different ways we can find opportunities to talk about what God’s Word teaches to us in how we trust and obey God.

Showing children their need of God’s grace by showing them our need for God’s grace

Finally, a way we can teach and demonstrate the reality of the Gospel and of God’s grace for our children is by showing to them the reality of our need for the gospel and God’s grace in our lives.

We must be honest about our own struggles as sinners who are being sanctified by the grace of God in our own lives, in age appropriate ways of course. A child does not necessarily need to know in all the ways we struggle, but they do need to know that we recognize that we are not perfect and that we are daily in need of and submitting ourselves to the grace of God in our lives.

And especially when it comes to ways in which we potentially sin against our own children, we need to lean into the gospel to admit where we have failed, repent before God, and apologize to our children. Children already know we are not perfect. But they need to see that our identity is secure in Christ and not in a false image we are trying to create simply to bolster our pride. That’s actually another way we can provoke our children to anger is when we pretend that we are better than they know we are. When they see the Gospel demonstrated in us as we admit our own sins, repent, and believe in Christ for our forgiveness and sanctification, it encourages them to see the reality of Christ’s saving power in our lives. It can help them to admit their own sin and fall in love with the all-sufficient grace of Christ for them when they see us do the same.

Conclusion