Dad, Can I Talk With You?

I recall coming home from my study at church when Joel was around 2 years old. As soon as I entered our Palos Hills, Illinois apartment, he came up to me and grabbed my hand, proceeding to direct me to our bedroom. He sat down on the bed and showed that he expected me to sit down with him. Then he said the most unexpected thing I could imagine: So . . . what do you want to talk about, Dad?

When I think about that, I’m reminded of a cartoon that showed a little boy who kept trying to get his parents’ attention. Sadly, they acted as though they were too busy to take time for him. Finally, in the last frame of the cartoon, he says, The story of my life is a busy signal.

As a dad, I find it’s quite easy to give a busy signal to our children, and even our spouse, without even realizing it. You may wonder, how we can do that, right? Let me share some phrases we sometimes use: Just a second. Maybe a little later. Wait until I finish this. I’m really just too tired right now.

And just like us, when we’re looking for information on the internet, if a site is too slow or if we’re not finding what we want in a few seconds, we quickly move on to the next site in our search; our children will do that same thing with other people or other interests. To keep on going with the phone analogy, they will keep dialing other numbers in hopes that someone will pay attention to them. And it’s not just little children; it’s older children, as well.

So, what can we do as dads? You see, that’s what we want, isn’t it? We want a solution, so we can fix whatever might be wrong. The answer is actually quite simple, though very easy to forget to practice.

We need to be approachable and available. This goes for parents and grandparents; not just dads.

Children Need To Be Heard.

Mark 10:13–16 (NASB95)

And they were bringing children to Him so that He might touch them; but the disciples rebuked them. But when Jesus saw this, He was indignant and said to them, “Permit the children to come to Me; do not hinder them; for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. “Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all.” And He took them in His arms and began blessing them, laying His hands on them.

One of the first words children ask is, Why? Sometimes, they will ask unanswerable questions, yet they are reasonable to the child.

Sometimes our children just want to snuggle. This could possibly be physical, but sometimes it is just emotional security they’re seeking. Some of you may remember the old phone commercial, long before cell phones were the primary phone for many. In that commercial, there are several loving connections being made between family members and friends. And it was done by long-distance over the telephone. The little musical jingle that accompanied it was Reach out and touch someone you love. It seems to me that this is what our children are often saying to their parents. In fact, I’m not sure any of us ever outgrow that basic desire to be heard and feel important and loved.

Part of our challenge is the western culture, in particular, in that our lives are so busy. As a result, we develop a very ordered, systematized way of living, which is extremely structured and planned. Yet, all of us realize that life doesn’t operate according to our calendars and to-do lists. Situations, events, and opportunities spring up without warning many times.

This is especially seen with children. Their needs are often impulsive and unpredictable. For example, you’re getting ready to go on a trip and remind everybody to make sure they go to the bathroom before getting in the vehicle. At least one child will matter-of-factly state that they just went and don’t have to go right now. So, you load up the vehicle and head out on your road trip or whatever it might be. Less than ten miles into the trip, that same child has to go to the bathroom or there’s going to be an accident. There go those plans of getting at least two hours of driving under your belt.

Or, you have planned that the whole family is going to play a board game or read a story. You’ve looked forward to this and planned for this all day. But then, you hear, Daddy, would you please play with me? It might be barbies, cars, frisbee, ball; but it wasn’t what you had planned.

Here’s another challenge: parents, especially fathers, tend to be better speakers with their children than they are listeners. This isn’t all the time, but it happens a lot. You see, we believe we know exactly what needs to be said so they are able to learn and grow and develop. Yet, our children might have a whole different agenda. How can a worm be a butterfly? How come every time I want to play dump truck in the sand box, sister Susie says that’s dumb? Daddy, I saw my brother stick his finger in his ear and then put it in his mouth; Mommy said not to do that ‘cause it was yucky. Why did she say that?

Believe it or not, to our children, some of those things that we don’t see as being terribly important, are quite important to them. And if we give them a listening ear, then I believe they will be much more open to hear us when it comes to some deeper, more involved issues later in their lives.

Dads, and moms, we need to work at hearing what our children are saying. Don’t just listen for what you think are the important words. Listen, also, for what is not being said, with body language and tone of voice.

Children Need to Be Loved.

Sometimes, for unknown reasons to us, a child feels that everyone is against him or her. Some of you remember that feeling in your own childhood. Sometimes, we can still think those thoughts, even as adults. Here is where, as the guiding adult, we need to show tenderness and not toughness. Sometimes, it is better to simply hold a child close, allowing them to share their feelings. Buck up and toughen up are not usually the answers our children need.

There are also those children who have a constant need to be affirmed for how God has made them very special. I look back on my own parenting years, realizing that quite often, I would give a greater priority to tasks at hand or finishing a project that could very easily have been taken care of later, than taking time with my children. There are many times that I wish I could go back and let my children know immediately how special they were.

Lest you think I was a complete failure as a dad, I actually did a couple of things well. I used to go for frequent walks and often drive somewhere to run an errand. Sometimes, one, or several of the children, would ask to go with me. Even though, I may have been tempted to say no, recognizing that they would slow me down, I would often say, yes. I am discovering even now that sometimes the children just want to be with you; spend time with you. When I did that, I was hoping they would realize how valuable and special they were to me.

Children will also have a need to be shown love at some very strange times. Rather than being all proper and respectable, just take advantage of their needs and let them know how much you love them. As children grow older, they will recognize whether or not you are approachable. Remember the telephone? Don’t continually give them a busy signal.

Children Need to Be Accepted Unconditionally.

Luke 15:11–32 (NASB95)

And He said, “A man had two sons. “The younger of them said to his father, ‘Father, give me the share of the estate that falls to me.’ So he divided his wealth between them. “And not many days later, the younger son gathered everything together and went on a journey into a distant country, and there he squandered his estate with loose living. “Now when he had spent everything, a severe famine occurred in that country, and he began to be impoverished. “So he went and hired himself out to one of the citizens of that country, and he sent him into his fields to feed swine. “And he would have gladly filled his stomach with the pods that the swine were eating, and no one was giving anything to him. “But when he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired men have more than enough bread, but I am dying here with hunger! ‘I will get up and go to my father, and will say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven, and in your sight; I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me as one of your hired men.” ’ “So he got up and came to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion for him, and ran and embraced him and kissed him. “And the son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and in your sight; I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ “But the father said to his slaves, ‘Quickly bring out the best robe and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand and sandals on his feet; and bring the fattened calf, kill it, and let us eat and celebrate; for this son of mine was dead and has come to life again; he was lost and has been found.’ And they began to celebrate. “Now his older son was in the field, and when he came and approached the house, he heard music and dancing. “And he summoned one of the servants and began inquiring what these things could be. “And he said to him, ‘Your brother has come, and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has received him back safe and sound.’ “But he became angry and was not willing to go in; and his father came out and began pleading with him. “But he answered and said to his father, ‘Look! For so many years I have been serving you and I have never neglected a command of yours; and yet you have never given me a young goat, so that I might celebrate with my friends; but when this son of yours came, who has devoured your wealth with prostitutes, you killed the fattened calf for him.’ “And he said to him, ‘Son, you have always been with me, and all that is mine is yours. ‘But we had to celebrate and rejoice, for this brother of yours was dead and has begun to live, and was lost and has been found.’ ”

I read a story about a missionary who had three teenage sons who decided they wanted to grow their hair long. Obviously, this story took place back in the 70s. Rather than flying off the handle and issuing ultimatums, the father reacted quite wisely.

Boys, your long hair turns men in my generation off. But it apparently turns the men and women in your generation on, and I’ll accept that. If you choose to wear your hair long because it’s the going style, fine. But, if it is a symbol of rebellion against me, then I’ll wrestle each of you to the floor and cut it off myself.

The boys let their dad know of their love and respect for him. Even later in life, they tried to get home as often as they could because they were accepted for who they were, not for what they looked like.

Conclusion

Jesus modeled a listening ear and an always available love. He took time out from what He was doing, no matter how important it may have seemed to others. He set the children upon His knee and showed them His love.

The father of the lost son showed unconditional love and acceptance. He showed it first of all with the son who took advantage of him and ran off and foolishly wasted all that the father had worked for so many years. The wayward son came back looking horrible, without anything to really offer. Yet, his father accepted him with open arms. Even the son who had been faithful the father then responded positively, even though the son showed a bitter spirit. The son wanted justice. Yet, the father even accepted him unconditionally.

It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been parents; the principles are the same. There’s some things you can always learn from the Scriptures, as well as from God-honoring parents who have finished the task of child-rearing. As we listen, we need to accept and respond in a positive, uplifting manner. This encourages our children toward maturity. Then they end up making more independent and wise decisions. Meanwhile, your children know you’re just a call away, since you hadn’t been giving a busy signal.

If we respond with a busy signal, we actually slow down their growth. And if they are not able to get our attention, they’ll go where they will receive attention.

Luther Burbank, a famous botanist stated: If we had paid no more attention to our plants that we have to our children, we would not be living in a jungle of weeds.

It doesn’t matter the child’s age; know how you’ll respond when your child says, Dad, can I talk with you?

We need to be approachable and available. Respond by listening; respond with love; respond with unconditional acceptance.