Marriage Matters Colossians 3:18-19
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Today we are continuing our study of Colossians, and will be focusing on 3:18-19 in particular. If you have your Bibles please open up to Colossians 3:18. Let’s begin by reading these two verses:
Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.
There you have it, wives submit to your husbands and husbands love your wives. That was easy! Shortest sermon ever, that would be nice. If only our hearts would cooperate with God’s design for marriage. Since our hearts often lead us toward selfish love rather than selfless love, we will spend focused time together answering three questions:
The first question we will address is, what is God’s design for marriage? Then we will seek to understand why it is imperative that we follow this design. Finally, we will answer the question, how do we functionally live out God’s design for marriage? Three points: 1. What is God’s design for marriage? 2. Why is it important? 3. How do we live it out?
Now, I realize that not everybody here today is married, and you may be tempted to check out for the next thirty minutes thinking this message is not relevant to you. Please don’t do that, I believe the Lord can use today’s message to either prepare you for a marriage relationship, or He may use you to speak Biblical truth into the lives of others who are married. There is not a marriage out there that has this all figured out perfectly. So let’s lean into God’s Word so we can be helped and be a help to others. Before we do we should have a time of prayer and seek the Lord’s assistance this morning. Prayer…
Where do we begin in the Scriptures to find God’s design for marriage? I can’t think of a better place than Eph 5:22-33. Please turn to Eph 5:22 where I will begin reading:
Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.
For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.
Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her
to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word,
and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.
In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—
for we are members of his body.
“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”
This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.
However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
This passage unpacks our verses of interest in Col 3:18-19, giving us more insight into a Biblical marriage. In Eph 5:22-24 Paul explains that wives are to submit to their husbands as to the Lord, because the husband is the head of the wife just like Christ is the head of the church. A wife’s submission to her husband is likened to the church’s submission to Christ. Therefore, Christ is the head of His Bride the church and husbands are the head of their wife. But wait a minute, what about verse 24 saying that wives should submit to their husbands in everything? There are moral limits here, a wife is only to submit to her husband as she does to the Lord, according to God’s will. If something clearly doesn’t line up with Scripture, God’s character, and His attributes, then a wife is not obligated to submit to her husband. Wives submit to their husband’s leadership as the husband follows and submits in obedience to the Lord’s will. In no way does a Wife’s submission to her husband make her inferior to him. In fact, we see in 1 Cor 11:3 that
Jesus submitted to the Father and yet is completely equal with the Father:
But I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.
The members of the Trinity are one, each with their own particular roles; and a husband and wife are one, each with particular roles. God has given wives and husbands particular roles and responsibilities to carry out. When a married couple fulfill these requirements through obedience, it is an act of worship unto the Lord.
Paul then turns to the roles and responsibilities that God has given to husbands:
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her
He says that husbands are to love their wives just like Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her. This is a selfless and sacrificial love that requires a husband to seek his wife’s highest good at all times. He is to care for her like Christ cares for His church, leading, guiding, protecting, like a good shepherd. He should provide for her well being in every way, like he does for himself. God gives the Husband the role of responsibility for love in the marriage. This means that the husband is accountable to God for how he loves his wife and raises his children. This should be one of the most sobering spiritual realities for a husband/father. To realize that you will give an account to the Lord concerning your leadership as the head of your household. You will give an account to God regarding how you loved and led your family.
What wife would not submit to a husband who is loving her like this? What wife would not respect a husband who has been given such a serious role and responsibility? What husband would not love a wife who has been given to him as a helpmate? One who lovingly submits, comes under him, supports him, encourages him, and respects his leadership. Gen 2:18 is a fascinating verse that says:
The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
The word helper in the original language is only used two ways in the OT: it describes God as helper of Israel and it expresses the role of the wife in her husband’s life. It is a highly exalted term and in the context of marriage means helpmate. Wives, do you recognize the seriousness of your role as your husband’s helpmate? Husbands, do you recognize your need for your wife’s help, and appreciate their God given role as your helpmate? I will be the first to admit that without my wife Kathy’s help I would be restricted in every area of my life. While Kathy was visiting her parents in Colorado for two weeks I remember telling Paul Mellan that I felt like I was cut in half. She understands the importance of her role as my helpmate, and I appreciate her obedience to the Lord in that way.
See marriage was meant to stand for and depict something bigger than itself, something far greater? What does it represent? Well that was a mystery until it was revealed here in Eph 5:32 of this passage:
This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.
The mystery is that marriage is intended to represent the relationship between Christ and the church. God’s design for marriage then, is that the relationship between a husband and a wife, would strive to imitate the relationship between Jesus and His church. Marriage is a matter of worship, it is about you serving God by how you treat your spouse. God did not leave us to ourselves to figure marriage out . He never said, this is marriage, have at it. He knows we need all the help from Him we can get in order to grow a God honoring marriage.
But why is it so crucial that we follow God’s design for marriage? One reason is because:
The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?
“I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind, to reward each person according to their conduct, according to what their deeds deserve.”
The Lord knows the condition of our hearts, and it’s not pretty. We need continual rescuing from the selfish desires of our hearts don’t we? We must rely completely on the Lord to provide everything we need to follow His perfect example of a true marriage. See, many marriages from the beginning are founded on selfish motivations with unrealistic expectations. “I want to marry her because she makes me happy.” “I want to marry him because he makes me feel special.” If you have these kinds of expectations for your marriage, and you actually expect your spouse to meet them, I’m sorry, but you are sunk. You will be frustrated, disappointed, left in a state of hopeless, and your marriage will suffer as a result. What do we do:
What do we do? How do we prevent this from happening? We focus our expectations on what Jesus alone is able to do in our marriages.
He Holds it all together:
He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.
Give control over to the Lord, trust that He will hold your marriage together as you submit to His will.
He Himself is our peace:
For he himself is our peace, who has made the two groups one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility,
We will only find peace in our marriage as we seek Jesus and trust that He is who He says He is, and that He will do what He promised.
He takes our anxieties:
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
The Lord understands and wants to meet you right where you are as you give your burdens to Him.
He models love:
“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.
And He produces the qualities of a healthy marriage in us:
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.
Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.
Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.
Take your burdensome expectations and check them against the promises of God. Are they in line with God’s Word? If not, then confess that to the Lord and ask Him to help you die to those particular desires. Then align your expectations according to what Jesus alone is able to do in your marriage. It is imperative that we follow God’s design for marriage because we need Him to do His work in us and through us, as we join Him in that work.
Another key reason why we follow God’s design for marriage is because we are His image bearers:
We are God’s image bearers. As we pursue a God honoring marriage we bring glory to God, and we put His image on display for all to see. This is not done to draw attention to ourselves, but to attract others to the beauty and work of the Lord Jesus Christ. People see Christ in us lived out in special ways as we reflect the Lord’s intimate relationship with His church. Those close to us recognize real and lasting change in us that reveals a growing God honoring marriage. We also act as God’s image bearers when we come alongside married couples to encourage them. We do this through honest sharing of marital sin and suffering that has been met by the Lord’s mercy and grace. We display God’s image to them as we gently and patiently lead them to the throne of grace so that they too may receive help and hope in their time of need.
So far we have focused on answering the questions, what is God’s design for marriage? And, why it’s imperative that we follow this design. But, how do we functionally live out God’s design for marriage? I believe the best place to start answering this question is back in Col 3:1, because our two key marital commands in Col 3:18-19 were given within a broader context; and this broader context helps us better understand the particulars regarding humble submission and selfless love. Follow along with me as I begin reading:
Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God.
Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.
For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.
When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.
Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.
Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.
You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived.
But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.
Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices
and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.
Here there is no Gentile or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all.
Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.
Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.
Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts.
And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.
Let’s walk through this passage together and identify how Paul’s discourse speaks to the commands given to wives and husbands in verses 18-19. First, is Paul addressing believers or non-believers? Yes, believers, verse 1 “Since, then, you have been raised with Christ….” And verse 12 “Therefore, as God’s chosen people...” confirms Paul’s audience were believers. Therefore, the marital commands in verses 18-19 are for wives and husbands who are Christ followers. They are equally yoked because of their faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. In fact, a non-believing spouse would not have the capacity to truly follow God’s design for marriage apart from Christ’s redeeming work in their life. For this reason it is imperative that both a man and woman be committed followers of Jesus before entering into a marriage covenant. See, in this passage Paul provides believers with instructions for life and godliness that are essential to loving God and loving others. This is especially true in the context of marriage, I mean think about the first and greatest commandment and the second one like it:
Jesus replied: “ ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’
This is the first and greatest commandment.
And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’
In a marriage, who is your nearest and dearest neighbor? Yes, your spouse, I hope. We must keep first things first, love the Lord first, then He provides all we need to love our neighbor/spouse. What exactly does Paul call us to be and do so that wives may submit to their husband and husbands may love their wife? We will find out next week when we drill down into this passage and will also include Col 3:20-21 concerning children obeying parents and fathers shepherding their children. Please plan to join me next Sunday as we conclude our mini-series on marriage and family.
Let me pray for us…