A Vibrant Marriage

I’m sure you’ve noticed that there are many different ideas out there about what makes a good marriage. Some ideas are helpful, but many are not. A lifelong, monogamous marriage is difficult, and presents many unique challenges! As a couple encounters these challenges, they also find out if their plan to create a successful, thriving marriage, actually works. Many jokes have been written about this sort of thing!

Some try diplomacy. Milton Berle said, “A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.” Some try surrender. “Arguing with your spouse is like trying to read the “Terms of Use” on the internet. Eventually, you just give up and say, ‘I Agree.’” Some don’t give in at all. “Marriage is when a man and woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.” Some give up trying to make a good marriage. “My spouse and I took out life insurance policies on each other. So, now it’s just a waiting game.”

It’s good to laugh through life, because life does bring difficulties. Prov 17:22 says, “A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: But a broken spirit drieth the bones.” Laughing is good, even if you have to fake it sometimes. “If the wife is laughing at her husband’s jokes, it means they have guests.”

These jokes are amusing, but there’s also an element of reality to them that isn’t funny. It’s OK to recognize the humor in them, but we shouldn’t resign ourselves to the idea that our marriages are destined to get stuck in these situations. A lifelong relationship between two sinners will always require attention and care, but with the Word of God and the Spirit of God, it need not fail. In fact, it should be vibrant.

What makes a vibrant marriage? Again, there are many opinions out there, but God gives us the answer. No two couples are the same; no individuals have exactly the same mixture of strengths, weaknesses, and needs. But this morning, I want us to consider some things that are universal to every marriage. And if every married person will follow them as laid out in Scripture, they will experience a vibrant marriage.

I. What Is A Vibrant Marriage?

First, let me define what I mean by “vibrant.” This word is defined as such:

Vibrant: pulsating with vigor and energy.

I would describe a vibrant marriage this way. It means you’re excited about who you’re with, where you’re at, and where you’re going. (Note that “perfection/flawlessness” isn’t a requirement!) Are you excited about all of these things in your marriage today? If you’re married, and any of these things aren’t true…they can be. God instituted marriage, and He designed it to be a blessed state of life. Our sin nature gets in the way, but it isn’t greater than God’s restorative power. If you are God’s child, His power is available to give you vibrant marriage. And He wants to do that.

II. What Do Husbands and Wives Need?

It’s very clear to most people that men and women are different. Because we’re different, we have different needs. Not only are we different by nature, we’re different by role. In a partnership, one person’s success is inextricably linked to the other’s. If I fail in my role, that will most likely cause my wife to fail in hers as well. In a vibrant marriage, both spouses are having their needs met, and are fulfilling their roles…which means that they are meeting the needs of their spouse. Thankfully, God is aware of this, and He wraps these solutions together in a very simple package.

Probably many of you are familiar with the book, Love and Respect, by Emerson Eggerichs. It is a good book that outlines the greatest need of the husband and the wife. If you haven’t read the book, I suggest you purchase it after camp. We weren’t able to get copies here in time, unfortunately.

If you have read the book, then you understand the case that Dr. Eggerichs makes. He points out from Scripture that men are created to need respect first in their relationships, and women are created to need love. We all need both love and respect, and much more, but if husbands and wives are going to be able to fulfill their marriage roles, it begins with the meeting of the needs of love and respect.

Dr. Eggerichs does a good job of making this case, and describing how a couple works through the communication and adjustments needed to provide each spouse what they need. Today, I won’t be going over this ground again. If you’d like to learn more about these two things specifically, I refer you to his book. Instead, this morning I want to show you from Scripture how these things are universal to all marriages. Every couple is different, but deep down we have a lot in common. Scripture is unified in teaching how husbands and wives ought to treat each other, and I’d like to show you that today.

There are three main chapters in the New Testament that contain teaching about the marriage relationship. Several other places refer to it in passing, and a couple (1 Cor. 7 and 1 Tim. 3) discuss marriage behavior as it relates to service to God. But Ephesians 5, Colossians 3, and 1 Peter 3 all contain specific teaching on how husbands and wives ought to treat each other. And they are unanimous in focus. It is God’s will that husbands love their wives. It is God’s will that wives respect their husbands. This is universal for all married people, regardless of age, ethnicity, personality, background, etc. I want us to see the importance of it this morning, and how it will bring a vibrant marriage.

III. Love and Respect Are Commanded

God’s command is the reason we have to do it. We need no other reason! It is His command; obedience is our choice. If we will obey God’s commands, it will make our marriage something we can be excited about right now.

Eph. 5:22-33; Col. 3:18-19; 1 Peter 3:1-7

Love: to have great affection or care for or loyalty towards. (agape)

This is a self-sacrificing, enduring love. (1 Cor. 13)

Submit/subjection: to put under; to subdue; to submit yourselves; to be obedient.

“Respect” is an easy word we may use to communicate what is needed, but we need to be careful that we’re not using the culture’s definition of it. (“Show me some respect” is often mere words, not actual respect.) The Bible actually uses the words “submit,” “reverence,” and “subject/subjection.” It’s easy for people to say, “I respect your right to have an opinion, but I won’t follow it or regard it.” In a marriage, this isn’t reverence or subjection. A wife’s respect for her husband isn’t primarily spoken, but shown.

God commands the husband to love the wife, not the wife to demand (or deserve!) love. He commands the wife to submit, not the husband to subdue his wife. As Christians, obeying God is the right thing to do. We need no further reason than that.

IV. Love and Respect Are Constructive

What is the effect of obeying God’s commands for marriage? If we will treat our spouse according to God’s command, we will see that our obedience builds up our marriage by building up our spouse, getting us excited that it is headed in the right direction.

“But he/she isn’t doing their part.” If we will follow God’s commands, we will find that God will do His work in the heart of our spouse!

The husband’s love - Eph. 5:25-30

It’s not the husband’s job or ability to “sanctify” and “cleanse” his wife; those are heart improvements that only God can do. But if a husband will love his wife as God commands, God will be able to accomplish His work in the wife’s life! What an amazing truth—that God will sanctify a wife AFTER the husband loves her, as though she were already sanctified. Husband, do you have concerns/criticisms about your wife’s heart condition? Obey God’s commands in your life, and you’ll get out of the way so God can work.

The wife’s respect - 1 Peter 3:1-6

A wife’s subjection to her husband is not dependent on his worthiness, but only on her choice. What an amazing thought—that a lost husband might be saved AFTER the wife decides to be in subjection to him! (Short of sinning against God, of course.) Christian, our whole life comes down to this truth: we must obey God in our own individual lives, and leave the rest up to God.

V. Love and Respect Are Christ-like

One reason why marriage is challenging is because both spouses are sinners who change. What worked yesterday, last week, or last year, may not work today, next week or next year. Both members of the partnership are changing, which makes love and respect harder to consistently apply. In the face of these challenges, husbands and wives need the right motivation. “Duty” is a good motivation, but it can fail to motivate sometimes. Love for the spouse is also good, but it has its limitations. The condition of the marriage may not motivate obedience. The best motivation is Christ Himself.

Eph. 5:15-21; Col. 3:12-17; 1 Peter 2:21-25

Do you see how in the context of every passage on marriage, Christ ought to be the focus of the saint? Married person, no matter your spouse’s need in your marriage, Christ is your reason for meeting it. He must have both our love and respect!

John 14:15 KJV 1900

If ye love me, keep my commandments.

Love and respect (reverence/subjection) are both here.

2 Corinthians 5:12–16 KJV 1900

For we commend not ourselves again unto you, but give you occasion to glory on our behalf, that ye may have somewhat to answer them which glory in appearance, and not in heart. For whether we be beside ourselves, it is to God: or whether we be sober, it is for your cause. For the love of Christ constraineth us; because we thus judge, that if one died for all, then were all dead: And that he died for all, that they which live should not henceforth live unto themselves, but unto him which died for them, and rose again. Wherefore henceforth know we no man after the flesh: yea, though we have known Christ after the flesh, yet now henceforth know we him no more.

Do you love Christ above all? Then subjection and obedience are natural responses to Him. Do you love Christ? Then meeting your spouse’s need, for Christ’s sake, is the highest and most constant motivation you can have. Your wife may seem unlovable, but you can still love her for Christ’s sake. Your husband may seem entirely void of respectability, but you can still reverence him for Christ’s sake. The Lord Jesus Christ is always enough reason to do what is right!

VI. Love and Respect Will Make Your Marriage Captivating

This is the result of obeying God’s commands faithfully—it will give you a vibrant marriage. A wife may despise her unloving husband, and so refuse to submit to him. A husband may be bitter toward his disrespectful wife, and so refuse to love her. But love and respect aren’t emotions: they are choices. Emotions follow our thoughts, and our thoughts follow our choices. By making right choices, our thoughts will be right. By thinking right thoughts, our emotions will, in time, fall into place.

2 Corinthians 10:4–6 KJV 1900

(For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;) Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ; And having in a readiness to revenge all disobedience, when your obedience is fulfilled.

When his emotions are in agreement with right choices, a husband is “in love” with his wife, and he delights to demonstrate it.

Ephesians 5:29 KJV 1900

For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:

1 Peter 3:7 KJV 1900

Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.

When her emotions are in agreement with her right choices, a wife admires and genuinely respects her husband, and she enjoys following his leadership.

1 Peter 3:1, 5-6 (KJV 1900)

Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; … For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.

Consequently, God’s commands aren’t a chore to be done, but a blessing to be enjoyed. A vibrant marriage is captivating!

If your marriage isn’t vibrant today, it can be. Every couple has a unique set of challenges, but God has the solution. It starts with using the “universal keys” that are found in these three passages. With God’s help, you and your spouse will enjoy a vibrant marriage together.