Marrige/ Christ and the Church

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Ephesians 5:22–33 NASB95

Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.

A few years back I decided to help Silvia with some household errands that are not in my “wheel house.” One of those was to do some washing. Now I thought everything was going along swell until my gesture of good will was finished. As I pulled some things out of the dryer I noticed that a few pair of wool socks were remarkably smaller that they were beforehand and there was some delicate garments that, well, would never look the same again. Afterwards I discovered these garments had given special instructions for washing and drying. I assumed “clothes were clothes” and everything should be treated equally and, as a result, there was ruin.

If I had only read the designer’s instructions beforehand …

When it comes to marriage we often see similar tragedies. People fail to follow the Designer’s instructions and, consequently, there is ruin.

Too many marriages go through three downward spiraling phases:

Phase #1 – The Ideal

Phase #2 – The Ordeal

Phase #3 – Looking for a new deal

The Designer’s instructions can assure a better outcome.

Jesus’ people are designed to be a counter-cultural force in the world. They are intended to be virtuous force that offers “Good News” and a life-giving, peace-filled way of living. Jesus Christ offers informed transformation to the world.

There are few areas of life in more need of transformation than the marriage relationship. When it is transformed by the Gospel its potential for hope and well-being is unrivaled and God’s word offers the Designer’s instructions for the counter-cultural alternative to the world’s view of marriage.

In the U.S., where things have been influenced by Christian virtues for centuries, it appears on the surface not to be as contrasting as it is in some other cultures. Marriage, like everything else God calls His people to, is designed to have love as its foundation. In ancient times (and in some cultures today) wives were considered property with very few rights; love was seldom the foundation. When we read Ephesians 5:22-33 with the ancient understanding of marriage as the backdrop you will see how radical, how contrasting, and how counter-cultural the Gospel’s understanding of marriage is. Listen to Ephesians 5:22-33. You will notice the “MUST” given in verse 33 which also serves as a summary for the discussion.

read again Ephesians again

The clear contrast between an ancient understanding of marriage and the Gospel’s would have made this passage quite controversial in Jesus’ day and even though we have come a long way, it is still radical in our day as well. Ephesians 5:22-33 give us the Designer’s instruction for a radical counter-cultural marriage that reflects Jesus Christ and Christian virtue.

• For example, God has always used marriage as imagery of his relationship with his people. In both the Old and New Testaments this was the case.

The basic understanding is that marriage, like our relationship with Jesus, is a covenant … an agreement that both parties enter into. The ancient world’s understanding of marriage was not covenantal. They did not see marriage as two people being in partnership – walking through life shoulder to shoulder – becoming “one flesh.”

• The Gospel of Jesus also restores all humanity as equal. This Biblical understanding of equality is why slavery was abolished and it is because of equality that marriage can been reformed. Husband and wife are equal – they are “one flesh.” Dominance and power have no place within a marriage. Being in a covenant relationship makes husbands and wives equal in standing and yet they have different roles to play within the covenant.

The Bible states that the husband is the “head.” I know some men, and you probably know so some too, who have taken this as a license to be a tyrant or dictator. It becomes an excuse to dominate and oppress. But one cannot use the Bible to enforce such a role –Jesus’ model of headship portrays a different (counter-cultural) expression.

The word translated “head” here is “kaphale.” It is the same word used in Matthew 21:42 for “Corner stone/ specifically a Cap stone or what you may understand as a Key stone .” Jesus says, “The stone the builders rejected has become the cornerstone; (kaphale)...” The word is also used to describe Roman civic leaders and Paul uses the word three times in Ephesians in reference to Jesus Christ – the “kaphale” of the church. He gives us a clear understanding of its meaning the first time he uses it. Listen to

Matthew 21:42 NASB95

Jesus said to them, “Did you never read in the Scriptures, ‘The stone which the builders rejected, This became the chief corner stone; This came about from the Lord, And it is marvelous in our eyes’?

Ephesians 1:22 (NASB).

Ephesians 1:22 (NASB95)

And He put all things in subjection under His feet, and gave Him as head (Kaphale) over all things to the church,

Now remember, marriage is a partnership with a man and a woman choosing to walk shoulder to shoulder as “one flesh.” As a covenant between a man and a woman there are different roles played by each partner. The “head” of the partnership implies leader, guide, director; it includes protection and provision.

• This does not mean a wife cannot give guidance. You show me a good marriage and I will show you one where the wife’s intuition and opinions are given serious respect and consideration.

behind every great man there has been a greater woman encouraging with love her husband to be the best he can be

• Nor does it mean she cannot provide for the family. Proverbs 31 reflects a wife who is very diligent and resourceful. She certainly provides for the needs of her family.

But “kaphale” does mean that the husband leads and sets the course for the family.

The wife has an unrivaled role to play within the marriage too. As “one flesh” implies, she is in a covenant relationship not bondage. The word used to describe her role is “hupotasso” and it means to yield, to make one’s self subject to another. same word used for those who surrender over to Christ

Now hear me … the Bible does not refer to a wife as a subsidiary or inferior or slave or second-rate or any other such images that are often used to create a caricature of a Biblical marriage.

It never tells you to check your brain at the doorstep to your home. It never says you cannot provide direction or never disagree with your husband. When the Bible speaks of “hupotasso” it is talking about meekness not weakness. We are talking about strength under self-control. We are talking about a choice that a woman makes when she enters into the covenant partnership. As a wife you are capable of doing the same things your husband does (read Proverbs 31 but when it comes to setting direction and pointing the way “hupotasso” yields to “kaphale.” Think about this, the fact that she yields suggests she has equal standing and selects/chooses to places herself in subject to her husband.

Proverbs 31 NASB95

The words of King Lemuel, the oracle which his mother taught him: What, O my son? And what, O son of my womb? And what, O son of my vows? Do not give your strength to women, Or your ways to that which destroys kings. It is not for kings, O Lemuel, It is not for kings to drink wine, Or for rulers to desire strong drink, For they will drink and forget what is decreed, And pervert the rights of all the afflicted. Give strong drink to him who is perishing, And wine to him whose life is bitter. Let him drink and forget his poverty And remember his trouble no more. Open your mouth for the mute, For the rights of all the unfortunate. Open your mouth, judge righteously, And defend the rights of the afflicted and needy. An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, And he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil All the days of her life. She looks for wool and flax And works with her hands in delight. She is like merchant ships; She brings her food from afar. She rises also while it is still night And gives food to her household And portions to her maidens. She considers a field and buys it; From her earnings she plants a vineyard. She girds herself with strength And makes her arms strong. She senses that her gain is good; Her lamp does not go out at night. She stretches out her hands to the distaff, And her hands grasp the spindle. She extends her hand to the poor, And she stretches out her hands to the needy. She is not afraid of the snow for her household, For all her household are clothed with scarlet. She makes coverings for herself; Her clothing is fine linen and purple. Her husband is known in the gates, When he sits among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them, And supplies belts to the tradesmen. Strength and dignity are her clothing, And she smiles at the future. She opens her mouth in wisdom, And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household, And does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and bless her; Her husband also, and he praises her, saying: “Many daughters have done nobly, But you excel them all.” Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised. Give her the product of her hands, And let her works praise her in the gates.

Now I have spent a lot of time setting the stage for the “What must I do?” statement in verse 33. It serves as a summary for all that precedes it. “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”

A group called “Decision Analysts” did a national survey on male-female relationships and one of the questions was “In the middle of a conflict with my wife/significant other, I am more likely to be feeling:

(a) That my wife doesn’t respect me

(b) That my wife doesn’t love me.

(Source: Emerson Eggrich’s book, “Love and Respect”)

An astonishing 81.5% of the men surveyed said they felt disrespected. Deep down they were secure in their wife’s love but they sure did not feel like she respected them.

When women were asked a similar question the results were almost identically reversed … she felt unloved when there was conflict. She felt distance, even rejection, when the marriage was tense.

That poll question validates the Designer’s instructions for a husband to love and a wife to respect.

Husbands

Men, real love is not flowers once a year or doing the dishes hoping to get your wife “in the mood.” Real love is self-sacrificial servant-hood. Real love is taking that “my home is my castle” crown off your head, and wrapping a towel around your waist. Real love is putting yourself interests aside and honoring / blessing / serving your wife …encouraging her lifting her hearing her washing her with the word in love, at least that’s how Jesus models the love of “kaphale.”

Hear me men … love is focused on providing for the needs of your spouse. The outward expression is sacrificial service that flows from a heart turned towards one’s spouse.

• I’m not talking about serving when it’s convenient or advantageous.

• I am not talking about serving as long as she responds properly.

• I am talking about serving as a lifestyle.

• I am talking about doing the self-sacrificial work of discovering her needs and providing for them.

In his book “Love and Respect” Emerson Eggerichs describes how love meets a wife’s needs with the acronym “C*O*U*P*L*E. I give you these merely to help you start thinking about how to love your wife. There are other starter ideas available; Doug Flanders, for example, wrote an article titled “25 Ways to Express Love to Your Wife.”

C – Closeness … She wants you to want to be with her

O – Openness … She wants to know what is happening in your world

U – Understanding … Don’t try to “fix” her; just listen

P – Peacemaking … She needs you to say “I am sorry.”

L – Loyalty … She needs to KNOW you are committed

E – Esteem … She needs to be honored and cherished

Wives

Well, the poll I mentioned suggests that the Designer’s instructions were spot on when the Bible tells a husband to love his wife. And they are spot on when they tell a wife to respect her husband too.

Respect is an inherent part of “hupotasso” … of yielding. So much so that the Scriptures use the word respect to sum up the wife’s role in the relationship.

Men are geared toward a need for respect.

• Men will kill each other over respect/disrespect.

• Road rage in men is often about one driver not respecting the other.

Men are wired to need respect and when wives look down on, demean, scold, ignore, nag, distance themselves, or show contempt … the relationship erodes. When women refer to their husbands as

Neanderthals, idiots, dense, lazy, etc. … the relationship erodes.

However, it is amazing what happens when a wife follows the Designer’s instructions and gives her partner respect. Just think back to the courtship days when you admired your future husband and built him up … that’s why he married you.

Wives, may I give you an acronym and provide you with some ideas on how to respect your husband? I will use the acronym W*I*F*E. I give you these merely to help you start thinking about how to meet your husband’s need for respect. There are other starter ideas available, Jennifer Flanders, for example, wrote an article titled “25 Ways to Show Your Husband Respect.”

Here are my suggestions:

W – Work … Honor his desire to work, achieve, provide and protect

I – Intimacy … Recognize his desire for sexual intimacy

F – Friendship … Appreciate his desire for shoulder to shoulder partnership

E – Executive … Respect his desire to lead and set the course for the home

WRAP-UP

“However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”

The Gospel offers a radical counter-cultural way for a marriage to work. It is based upon covenant; a man and woman being “one flesh.” Though equal, each spouse has a specific role in the covenant relationship.

But what is really counter-cultural is that this marriage reflects Jesus Christ rather than a worldly understanding of dominance, power, and ownership.

A marriage following the Designer’s instructions is possible when Jesus Christ is Lord of the home and everyone is in submission to Him. You cannot do this on your own. You need God!

I’ve been thinking recently about

Galatians 2:20 NASB95

“I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.

That’s just another way of saying “Whatever God says I must do … God knows I can do.” I can do it because Christ lives in me and provides me with the grace and insight to serve him.

Some of your marriages are in a downward spiral right now. You are moving through the danger phases:

Phase #1 – The Ideal

Phase #2 – The Ordeal

Phase #3 – Looking for a new deal

I dare say that yielding to God and following the Designer’s instructions has the potential to restore and rekindle your marriage. Someone needs to step out in obedience and do the right thing.

You see, the issue is not what your spouse is doing … the issue is what are you doing!

Are you following the Designer’s instructions in the way you treat your spouse?

To have a Christ-centered, counter-cultural marriage, you need a radical dependence on Christ that expresses itself in radical obedience.