The Distinction of Christian Marriage

According to Pew Research the number of people who have never been married is on the rise. In 1960 the number of adults not married was 1 in 10. Today that number has doubled. Millennials are the highest in this category, with 4 in 10 not living with a family of their own. They are also more likely to test-drive marriage. Research show that more millennials cohabitate before marriage than previous generations. Men are more likely to remain single and women are more likely to get married later in life because of careers.

We are living in time when way too many people are single and the honor of marriage is nearly gone. We are watching the death of marriage for many reasons: because of divorce, because of homosexuality, because of abortion. It is the death of the family because we live in a highly self-center society that is more focused on our own wants, goals, and needs than God’s plan for man and woman.

Some of this is because of the idealistic illusions portrayed of marriage. The modern view of marriage is the idea that you are going to find “the one” who is going to fulfill all your dreams. It is an idealistic romanticism that places your spouse on a pedestal as this perfect person and you just have to find that perfect person.

Nothing could be further from the truth. You can find your ideal mate. The one who looks, talks, and acts just the way you think is perfect. They may dress the way you want them and share your interests. You could marry that person and that person can feel just as giddy about you. But if you do walk in the Spirit, that marriage will have massive problems.

That’s where we are today. We’ve traveled through Ephesians looking at Paul’s letter giving us the understanding of how God predestined us to his Kingdom and bestowed on us every spiritual blessing in Christ, sealing us with the Holy Spirit (Ephesians 1:1-14). We look at how the Christian walk is vastly different than all others. And we saw the blessing of the Holy Spirit, filling us to move us into action and abundance in life. Now, sandwiched between godly living and spiritual warfare is Paul’s treatise of marriage and this is not by accident.

Ephesians 5:22–33 ESV

22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. 25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

The Biblical Distinctive

I think it is vital that we approach and understand marriage from the biblical context. Marriage was instituted and is upheld by God and God’s design. It is not a government institution. When the Supreme Court in 2015 redefined marriage, it stepped over its God-given authority. We talked about the origin of marriage last Fall in our creation series.

Genesis 1:27–28 ESV

27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. 28 And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”

Marriage really is designed by God for four things:

To Procreate Children - “Be fruitful and multiply” (Gen 1:28)

to eliminate solitude - “It is not good for man to be alone” (Gen 2:18)

to prevent sexual immorality - (1 Cor 7:2)

For the sheer joy and affection of being in union (Gen 26:6-9)

Which makes Satan the enemy of marriage. Immediately after the fall, marriage comes under assault. Perhaps even maybe marriage was the jealous reason Satan deceives the woman. Regardless, everything from here begins to erode God’s design and sanctity in marriage. In Genesis Satan introduces to man’s fallen heart polygamy, evil, sexual thoughts, adultery, gross homosexuality, fornication, unequal yoking, incest, evil seduction, rape, and prostitution.

Today, marriage is the sacrificial lamb of the sexual revolution, the homosexual revolution, and the women’s liberation movement. And yet we still romanticize it in pop culture with our entertainment and music. It’s the Cinderella story of finding your prince charming or sweeping a beautiful woman off her feet. The most popular songs are love songs and those songs carry the longing for a man and woman be in love.

Here, in Ephesians 5:22 to the end of the chapter, we have the greatest treatise on marriage ever written. For marriage to work it has to be a marriage rooted in God’s plan and strengthened by the Holy Spirit. It is the three-stranded cord that will not be broken (Ecclesiastes 4:12). The problems that arise in marriage are when one party begins to demand the right to have their wants, needs, and desires be the higher priority.

God’s design in marriage is not superiority, but sacrifice and submission. As a general characteristic, Christians are to be submissive (Eph 5:21). We are to be Spirit-filled, humbly submissive people. That is to say, we are not dominating or proud, we are not self-willed or live by our own agenda, but we are always giving preference to the other (Romans 10:12-13), especially our spouse.

Philippians 2:3–5 ESV

3 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. 5 Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus,

Hebrews 13:17 (ESV)

17 Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they are keeping watch over your souls,

1 Corinthians 16:16 ESV

16 be subject to such as these, and to every fellow worker and laborer.

1 Peter 5:5 ESV

5 Likewise, you who are younger, be subject to the elders. Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”

Now there are men who say, “Wait a minute, aren’t men supposed to be the head of the house in a relationship?” Yes, but it is a humble kind of authority that builds your wife up to Christ. I think a godly leader is selfless and not preoccupied with his own agenda or his own will, and plans. I don’t have any question about my role as the head of Andrea and my household, but I also don’t live under the illusion that makes me some sort of king. For God placed her needs in my hands.

The Submissive Wife

Ephesians 5:22–24 ESV

A woman is to be submissive to her husband, because it is fitting, it is appropriate, it is correct, it is legally binding, it is the created order of God. You may not like that, and your flesh will resist that, but in the Divine order of things, this is God’s plan. The headship of man is tied to man’s physicality; he is stronger, he is more aggressive. He is constitutionally designed by God to work , to protect, and to provide for his wife, who is identified in Scripture as the weaker vessel (1 Peter 3:7) . Now I do not mean that she not weaker spiritually, intellectually, or morally, but rather she is weaker physically (ie. the vessel).

The phrase “as to the Lord,” (Eph 5:22) is an interesting phrase. The parallel chapter, Colossians 3:18 says, “as is fitting in the Lord.” anēkō - a word that means “seemly, appropriate, correct, the right thing.” It is saying, “This is God’s design, and if it is God’s design, then it is best.” So a wife’s submission is not as a sub-servant or a diminishing manner, but as a woman created in God’s image to complete and fulfill her husband (and her husband to her).

I don’t think that submit is not an arbitrary term that Paul used. As a woman voluntarily enters into the marriage covenant, she is putting herself under the headship of her husband. Not to surrender her identity, but to elevate it and complete it under his protection, provision, and love. Obviously, the world, especially feminists, would be repulsed and revile such a characteristic of marriage, but marriage is not a worldly institution, it is a Divine institution. God designed marriage so that man and woman complete and fulfill each other.

God designed men to be the, the workers, protectors, and providers; that is obvious to anybody with an open mind. Men are physically designed a certain way and so are woman. Women are emotionally designed a certain way that give them the ability to care and nurture children and the home in ways that men never could. It’s a godly distinction of the genders that we should never disparage or be ashamed.

1 Peter 3:1 “1 Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives,” The word submissive is the same word – hupotassō, it means “to rank yourself under.” The premise Peter is giving here is that through godliness in submission, the unbelieving husband will come to faith in Christ as well.

Ephesians 5:23 ESV

23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.

The word head is a very important term – kephalē in the Greek. It doesn’t mean authority; it means origin. It gives reference to the creative order and purpose of man and woman. It is going back to creation and saying that since woman was taken out of the side of man (Gen 2:22). There is a headship in the creative design between man and woman. God made man out of the ground (Gen 2:7). That is man’s origin, woman was made from man.

Genesis 2:23 ESV

23 Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.”

Wayne Grudem did a study of the word kephalēin the history of the Greek language, and every time it doesn’t speak of a specific task - like the head waiter - every time it is used in terms of relationship, it always means authority. Thus, headship convey the sense of taking responsibility for what God created and commits to one’s care. The husband is the head of the wife and house, because that is the duty God gave to the man. It is not an image of superiority or preference, but service.

1 Timothy 5:8 (ESV)

8 But if anyone [meaning a man] does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

The man is a reflection of Christ’s headship over the church. Now, no one denies the God placed Christ over the Church, nor do they worry about that Christ is a man. Why? His godly, humble, love that exalts the church with his strength.

Revelation 2:27 “and he will rule them with a rod of iron, as when earthen pots are broken in pieces, even as I myself have received authority from my Father.”

Now, men, put your iron rods away… this is an image of protection and uprightness that does not give room for ungodliness. The headship of man is responsibility for provision and protection. Women may find it difficult, especially in today’s society with the idea of submission, but in reality, men have the higher charge

The Loving Husband

Ephesians 5:25–33 ESV

25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

One day a little girl and a little boy were playing in the yard. The girl asked the boy, “Hey Billy, do you want to play house?” Billy said, “Sure! Do you want me to be the husband, the son, or the brother?” Sally replied, “I want you to communicate your feelings.” “Communicate my feelings?” Billy said in bewilderment, “I have no idea what that means.” Sally nodded and said, “Perfect. You can be the husband.” (Credit: David Owens, Sermon Central).

Spiritual leadership is submitting oneself to the accomplishment of the needs of those for whom He is responsible. That flows right into marriage. In marriage, the husband must yield his will and humble himself, just as Christ did for us. The godly husband is forever asking: “How can I minister to my wife? How can I meet my wife’s needs? How can I make this marriage a haven of security, fulfillment, and joy for her?” (MacArthur) Scripture places that burden on the husband.

The husband’s command is very clear - it’s a single command: “Husbands, love your wives.” (Eph 5:25). That is the command. There is no command to take authority over your wife. The command is probably a higher command than submission and a more difficult command. Love your wife in the same way Christ loves the church (Eph 5:32). The word for love is from the verb agapaō, which is the most intense, most divine, most magnanimous, most sacrificial, most humble kind of love; it’s the love of the will.

The manner of that love is as Christ loves the church. Rom 5:8 “8 but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” You set your love by your will because it’s right, and it’s noble, and it’s the way Christ set His love on us.

Romans 8:35–39 ESV

35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? 36 As it is written, “For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.” 37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

You love your wife with a love that cannot be broken by tribulation, distress, persecution, famine, nakedness, peril, sword. It couldn’t be broken by death, life, angels, principalities, things present, things to come, powers, height, depth, or any other created thing in the universe. This is how Christ loved His church; this is how a man is to love his wife. Christ’s love was a sacrificial love. Look at verse 25 & 26: Eph 5:25-26 “and gave himself up for her, Love is always a verb. Work harder to provide her physical needs. Invest in her spiritually. Care for her, shelter her, protect her, provide for her, give your life for her.

Christ loves the church with a purifying love. Eph 5:26 “26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,” Christ love washed and purifies the church so that one day we will stand before the Father radiant and pure. When a young man says to you as a young lady, “I love you, and I want to take away your purity,” that’s not love. Love purifies.

Husbands, as the spiritual head of the house, you are to continually wash your wife with the word of God. Spiritual purity that comes with a true understanding of the Word of God. You as a husband have the responsibility to wash your wife with the Word of God. That’s what it says in verse 27: He wants to present to Himself “a church in all her glory, with no spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that it should be holy and blameless.” Don’t expose your partner to things that are impure, doctrinally, theologically, spiritually, or morally. You are the protector of your wife’s purity, “without spot or wrinkle” (Eph 5:27).

Ephesians 5:29–30 ESV

29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body.

Genesis 2:24 ESV

24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

The word of Paul here remind us that Marriage is a godly distinctive of the union between a man and woman. To despise your marriage or your spouse is a response to God’s creation in you. Your marriage isn’t based on feelings or needs or the fulfillment of your physical desires. God created you in a very specific way to love your spouse. Any thing else is a rejection of God’s love and provision. One flesh is indivisible. Two becoming one flesh is an indivisible, intimate union. It is to be a reflection of God’s love for you.

Never make the mistake of dragging your understanding of the love of lGod in Christ down to the level of your own weak love. Rather, let God build you love up by the power of Christ. Once you begin to understand and know how much our Lord Jesus Christ loves you, you will be able to apply that love to your marriage, your home, and testify to the world of that great love.