The Wisdom of Friendship

There are few things more precious in this life than relationships built on trust, mutual love and care, and the deep enjoyment of being with those you love.

This is what we were made for.

We were created by a Creator God, that Himself exists in an eternal relationship. The three persons of the Trinity, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit; bound by love, distinct in their person, but one in their essence.

Ever trusting, ever loving, and ever enjoying the perfections of their nature.

Our Creator dwells in an eternal relationship, and He created us

You can live 100 years without friendship, but you’ll never thrive as a human.

You can live 100 years without friendship, but you’ll never experience the joy of being truly known and truly loved.

You can live 100 years without friendship, but you’ll never be .

Friendship is as essential to growing in wisdom as wisdom is essential to growing in friendship.

PRAY With Me

Heavenly Father, I come boldly before Your throne seeking help in time of need.

I come before You simply by the mercy and merit of Your Glorious Son, Jesus Christ.

I come before You, believing in the work and power of the person of the Holy Spirit.

By Him, and through Your Word, come to us now.

Come to us

speak the gospel to our hearts

gives us grace to hear and believe

that in the gospel we would find true friendship with You through Your Son

to be people who seek to be godly friends, a means of grace to those we meet.

Teach us to know what it means to fear You, and to honor you with our hearts first, then to revel in your grace, your forgiveness, and to show true friendship to one another.

Review

We are continuing our Summer series: Wisdom from Above.

The purpose of this series is to hear from God’s Word concerning how to walk in wisdom as it relates to various areas in our lives.

We will be reminded over and over that wisdom is knowing how to live a life that pleases God, that is in line with God’s designs and purposes.

This wisdom begins with God, in God, and keeps God at the center.

#ECWisdom2022 - Let’s start something. Let’s use Social Media for good.

Proverbs 1:7 (ESV)

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction.

Proverbs 9:10

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is insight.

True wisdom requires true knowledge of God, and both come to us only when God is in His proper place in our hearts.

Wisdom is rooted first, and foremost, in fearing the Lord rightly.

If we act as if God does not exist, or as if He doesn’t have any authority over an area in our lives or our society, then we are not wise.

We are saying in our hearts “there is no God.”

Biblical Wisdom is living skillfully, beautifully in light of:

1. Who God is. (Holy, Sovereign, Just, Good)

2. What God has done for us. (Creator, Redeemer, Sustainer)

3. What God requires of us. (Humility, Thankfulness, Justice, Mercy)

Q: In light of this area in my life, who or what is God?

Q: What has God done for me in this area?

Q: What does God require of me?

Today’s message:

The Wisdom of Friendship

How the Gospel Makes True Friends

Exposition

Real friendship happens between people who value and pursue the same thing.

The best friendships are based on a common passion.

True friendship is about something greater than just the desire for friendship.

It is what emerges and grows between people who love and value the same thing.

Friendship happens between people who are on the same quest.

It is not an end in itself, it is means to something deeper.

If you are constantly on the lookout for friends, you will never truly find them. But, if you focus on being a friend, you will discover true friendships along the way.

Why is friendship important?

1. Wisdom Warns Against Isolation.

Proverbs 18:1

He who separates himself seeks his own desire, He quarrels against all sound wisdom.

In Genesis 2:18 God said,

“It is not good for man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.”

Humanity is the creation of the Trinity that dwells in eternal communion within the godhead.

As image-bearers of God, we are made for communion with others.

We were made that our primary communion be with God, then that our communion with other image-bearers be reflective and representative of the fellowship within the Trinity.

In other words, our relationships are to be supplemental, and helpful, with the goal of bringing glory to the God who created us.

We cannot do that in isolation.

When we intentionally isolate ourselves, God’s Word teaches us that we pursue our own desires.

This is the opposite of what we were created to do. We are created by God, for God.

We are God’s creatures, given to one another to aid in pursuing God’s desires.

TRANSITION: Negatively, Isolation is warned against because it is unwise, contrary to the design of God.

Positively,

2. Wisdom Commends Friendship.

Two Proverbs give us an important principle regarding friendship.

Proverbs 17:17

A friend loves at all times, And a brother is born for adversity.

Proverbs 18:24

A man of too many friends comes to ruin, But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

Friendship that Proverbs points us to

Is a 24/7, good times and bad, relationship of mutual love that is closer even than family ties. Friendship is a chosen relationship.

In other words, there is something that godly friendship provides that even family cannot. In godly friendship we find there is something that romantic love does not provide, that neighbor love does not supply, that even familial love does not always give us.

There is something about friendship that no other relationship can bring.

There is a friendship that God wants for His church, for His people, for His children.

He wants godly friendships for each of us.

I am careful to modify the term with the word “godly” because the difference is essential.

What will benefit each of us the most is that we have not just relationships with other people, and not just relationships with other church people, but that we have meaningful, growing relationships with other people who are pursuing Christ.

Here is the reason why this is so important.

Principle:

We become like those we spend time with.

Proverbs 13:20

He who walks with wise men will be wise, But the companion of fools will suffer harm.

Because this is true, God often warns us about the company we keep.

The first Psalm opens with this principle about who and what we allow to influence us:

Psalm 1:1–2

How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked, Nor stand in the path of sinners, Nor sit in the seat of scoffers! But his delight is in the law of the Lord, And in His law he meditates day and night.

The blessed man does not allow himself to be among wicked influences, but instead is influenced by His meditation on God’s Word.

The blessed man does not associate or become intimates with the enemies of God.

The reason is simple:

We become like those we are with.

The Apostle Paul wrote:

1 Corinthians 15:33

Do not be deceived: “Bad company corrupts good morals.”

If we hang around those whose worldview is devoid of any concern of God, that eventually becomes our worldview. One only has to look at our godless and immoral culture to see this at work.

If we hang around those who are bitter, or angry, we eventually become embittered and angry along with them. One only has to see the constant state of protest, cancel culture, and lessening civil discourse to see this at work.

If we hang around gossips and slanderers, if we are impressed by the foul-mouths of celebrity, if we enjoy the snarky retorts and sass we see in our entertainment, eventually those sins become ours.

If we hang around people who lack integrity, who are unfaithful, who steal, who cheat, eventually our integrity lapses and we give away our integrity, one poor decision at a time.

If we hang around those who see sexual sin as no big deal, who minimize the destructive nature of porn, and promiscuity, and other immoralities, if we bathe our minds in it through our consumption of entertainment, eventually we come to see it as they do, not as God does.

We are, by nature, image-bearers.

We are imprinted, and we imprint.

We mold, and are molded.

We lead, and we follow.

This is the most basic idea that should drive all of us who want to follow Christ.

Since we become like who we are with...

If I want to follow Christ well, if I want to mature in Christ, if I want to be Christlike, I need to be with others who are on the same journey, who have the same passion.

I need godly friendships and I need to be freed from the influence of ungodly associations.

Let me give you a few reasons why we should all desire godly friendships, and along the way, we should see a portrait develop of what godly friendships look like.

Why godly friendships are good for us.

Godly friendships exist with the understanding that all friendship exists to glorify God.

Unfortunately, we are always to eager to make our friendships about us, rather than about God.

That is why I mention the concept of a “gospel culture” so often.

Because we are naturally so quick to make friendship just about us, we need to constantly remind one another to place Christ in the center.

Our friendships, as believers, must exist for the purpose of helping one another grow in Christlikeness.

That means, our relationships should

...seek to see His character formed in us,

…pursue His priorities for us,

…embrace His passions,

…see that He is glorified in our relationships

so that we, more and more, bear His image to the world, in all of life.

I want to highlight four ways friendships can glorify God, and grow us into Christlikeness.

Godly friendships are good for us because

1. Godly friendships help us experience God’s faithful love (Prov. 20:6; 21:21; Prov. 27:10).

Friendship the Bible commends is a means to experiencing faithful love. Unlike the culture where you can be a big star today and gone tomorrow; on top of the world, and then cancelled in a moment.

Through Christ, God accepts us in our brokenness, and forgives us when we sin.

Proverbs 20:6

Many a man proclaims his own loyalty, But who can find a trustworthy man?

Loyal is the person who stands with you when you are under duress.

Loyal is the person who stands up for you despite external pressures to abandon you.

Proverbs 21:21

He who pursues righteousness and loyalty Finds life, righteousness and honor.

As we pursue wisdom to help us live righteously, and as we pursue wisdom to be a loyal friend, there is a reward: life, righteousness and honor.

It won’t be perfect, but as seek to be an example of God’s faithful love, the principle is that we will experience it as well.

Be a friend, and when you need a friend, trust your friends.

Proverbs 27:10

Do not forsake your own friend or your father’s friend, And do not go to your brother’s house in the day of your calamity; Better is a neighbor who is near than a brother far away.

In order to experience God’s faithful love through friendships, be the kind of person who shows God’s love to others in times of good and times of adversity.

Be a loyal friend, in both word and deed, by first being always loyal to God.

Another reason godly friendships are good for us is that

2. Godly friendships make bitter times sweet (Prov. 27:9).

In biblical friendships, true connection is made through honesty, transparency, and vulnerability.

Proverbs 27:9

Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel.

Counsel refers to things that aren’t known to everyone else. It is known only between friends.

True friends know one another’s heart, character, strengths, weaknesses and motivations because they know the real you.

But, in order to know the real you, you have to be willing to share, willing to be transparent, allowing them to see into your heart.

Because you have allowed them to know you, in their counsel they can help you see where you are wrong. They are often able to point things out we hadn’t thought of.

They may be able to see where you are thinking with emotion rather than reason.

Sometimes you want something so bad, but it’s not good for you. You need the friend to tell you the truth.

When someone knows you truly, and has your best interests at heart, sometimes what they say hurts,

A third reason godly friendships are good for us is that

3. Godly friendships sharpen and refine us (Prov. 27:17).

Godly friction produces better Christians.

Proverbs 27:17

Iron sharpens iron, So one man sharpens another.

This is the picture of a blade, a sword, a saw coming in contact with another piece of metal, not to damage, but to sharpen.

The intentional, constructive use of force makes the blade better, more useful for work.

You need that in your life. I need that in my life.

We all need to be sharpened. We need the nicks and bumps and rust pits removed, and we need to be made sharp.

We do that for each other in godly friendships.

You need friends in your life that you can say,

“Help me to know me and to see me.

Help sharpen me for Christ’s sake.”

Psalm 141:5

Let the righteous smite me in kindness and reprove me; It is oil upon the head; Do not let my head refuse it, For still my prayer is against their wicked deeds.

We cannot mature in Christ, we cannot grow into Christlike image bearers of God without allowing people to speak gospel truth into our lives.

A fourth reason godly friendships are good for us is that

4. Godly friendships hurt us to save us from harm (Prov. 27:5-6).

Friendship isn’t always coffee and doughnuts. Sometimes we need correction, and that requires confrontation.

Proverbs 27:5–6

Better is open rebuke Than love that is concealed. Faithful are the wounds of a friend, But deceitful are the kisses of an enemy.

Sometimes we have to say things to one another that may wound them, but are needed anyway.

v. 5 - Hidden love. Hiding truth from someone because you love them and don’t want to hurt them.

v. 6 Enemy kisses. Like Judas.

If we have this idea that I don’t want to risk the relationship by telling the truth, or you telling yourself that you love them too much to tell them the truth, you are betraying them.

That is not love for your friend. That is love for yourself at the expense of your friend.

You are afraid that the words would cause you pain, so you leave them in their darkness.

Deuteronomy 8:5

Thus you are to know in your heart that the Lord your God was disciplining you just as a man disciplines his son.

Psalm 94:12

Blessed is the man whom You chasten, O Lord, And whom You teach out of Your law;

What is the Path to Godly Friendship?

Godly friendships don’t just appear out of nowhere. They take time, and effort.

Friendships may bloom quickly, or they may take years, but godly friendships can only grow in the fertile soil of the gospel.

1. Through the Gospel, We Become Friends with God.

We were made for a relationship with God.

Mankind was created to be image-bearers of God.

Romans 8:29

For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren;

Through Christ, we are being conformed to the image of God in Jesus.

He is the firstborn of many… in other words, He is what we are becoming.

When we were saved by the Spirit of God through believing the gospel, there began a process by which God begins conforming you to be like Jesus.

How does God do that?

Through friendship with Jesus, through a fellowship with Him whereby we become like Him.

John 15:12–17

“This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends. You are My friends if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you slaves, for the slave does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My Father I have made known to you. You did not choose Me but I chose you, and appointed you that you would go and bear fruit, and that your fruit would remain, so that whatever you ask of the Father in My name He may give to you. This I command you, that you love one another.

2. Through the Gospel, We Become Friends.

The Trinity exists in unity. So, friendship finds its root in heaven.

The gospel further establishes unity by reconciling us with God.

Who then are called to live in unity with one another.

We display that through friendship.

The gospel creates a new kind of family, a family of true friends who help one another, who sharpen one another.

Portraits of Friendship

Jonathan

In 1 Samuel 14 we are introduced to a man named Jonathan, the son of Saul, Israel’s first King.

Jonathan was a valiant warrior, and a man who trusted God.

He taking on an entire garrison of Phillistines with only his armor bearer as backup.

1 Samuel 14:6

Then Jonathan said to the young man who was carrying his armor, “Come and let us cross over to the garrison of these uncircumcised; perhaps the Lord will work for us, for the Lord is not restrained to save by many or by few.”

Jonathan and his armor bearer sneak into the camp and had great success, just the two of them.

1 Samuel 14:13–14

Then Jonathan climbed up on his hands and feet, with his armor bearer behind him; and they fell before Jonathan, and his armor bearer put some to death after him. That first slaughter which Jonathan and his armor bearer made was about twenty men within about half a furrow in an acre of land.

God used Jonathan’s bravery to inspire the Israelite army,

1 Samuel 14:23

So the Lord delivered Israel that day, and the battle spread beyond Beth-aven.

In Chapter 15 Saul sins against God, and God rejects Saul as king of Israel.

He swears to remove the kingdom from him.

This will have downstream impact, as Saul’s son Jonathan, though a godly man, and in human terms should be heir to the throne will not be Saul’s successor on the throne.

In Chapter 16 we are introduced to the next King of Israel, a young boy named David.

God leads the prophet Samuel to anoint David in the presence of his father and brothers. They are all a little dismissive of their brother but things begin to change in Chapter 17.

We see the encounter of David and Goliath.

Like the story in Chapter 14, the Israelite army is being stymied by the Philistines. Their champion Goliath threatens Israel day after day. No one is brave enough to take him on in hand to hand combat, apparently, not even Jonathan.

David arrives, hears the cursing of the Philistine giant and is compelled to act.

Like Jonathan, David is moved with the fear of God.

David goes to Saul to make his case on why he should be allowed to fight the giant.

1 Samuel 17:34–37 NASB95PARA

But David said to Saul, “Your servant was tending his father’s sheep. When a lion or a bear came and took a lamb from the flock, I went out after him and attacked him, and rescued it from his mouth; and when he rose up against me, I seized him by his beard and struck him and killed him. Your servant has killed both the lion and the bear; and this uncircumcised Philistine will be like one of them, since he has taunted the armies of the living God.” And David said, “The Lord who delivered me from the paw of the lion and from the paw of the bear, He will deliver me from the hand of this Philistine.” And Saul said to David, “Go, and may the Lord be with you.”

After David successfully defends God’s honor, with God’s help, and defeats the giant, the Israelite army goes into action and routs the Philistines.

1 Samuel 18:1–4 NASB95PARA

Now it came about when he had finished speaking to Saul, that the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as himself. Saul took him that day and did not let him return to his father’s house. Then Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself. Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was on him and gave it to David, with his armor, including his sword and his bow and his belt.

Think of that.

Jonathan, the son of Saul, the rightful heir to the throne, sees something in David that he himself possesses: a zeal for the glory of God.

This is an example of what C.S. Lewis describes in his essay on Friendship in his book The Four Loves,

Friendship occurs when two people experience, “What, you too?”

Then, we see in Jonathan, a friend that sticks closer than a brother.

Jonathan would defend David even when Saul was trying to kill him.

Jonathan gave over every vestige of prestige, even things rightfully his, to his friend David because he loved him, and he intentionally knit his soul to David’s. There was no jealousy, no protecting of what was his, but a glad giving over of everything he could for the benefit of his friend.

Oh to have an army of Jonathan’s by your side.

Then there is the New Testament example:

Friends to the Paralytic

Luke 5:17-26 We see the account of a paralytic being brought to Jesus by a group of friends.

These friends carry their friend, but are unable to get him through the crowd to Jesus.

So, they climb on the rook and open up the roof, and then lower their friend down.

This story is recorded by Luke intentionally.

There was purpose behind what happened for the crowds, for the religious leaders, for the disciples, and for the paralytic. But also for the friends, and for us.

In this encounter, not only is their friend healed, but Jesus says these stunning words.

Luke 5:24–26 NASB95PARA

But, so that you may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins,”—He said to the paralytic—“I say to you, get up, and pick up your stretcher and go home.” Immediately he got up before them, and picked up what he had been lying on, and went home glorifying God. They were all struck with astonishment and began glorifying God; and they were filled with fear, saying, “We have seen remarkable things today.”

These anonymous friends worked to bring their friend to Jesus for healing, but Jesus worked a greater miracle. This man was forgiven of his sins, publicly, miraculously to show who Jesus was.

Which leads to the third step of the path.

3. We Work to Add Friends through The Gospel.

Bohoeffer said, “Christianity means community through Jesus Christ and in Jesus Christ.”

We need Christ, first.

We need others because we need the community of other Christ-followers speaking into our lives. We heard the gospel because of someone else; because Christ used someone to bring it to us.

We need to bring that message to others. We need to share our community with Christ, and with other believers.

In a world where people are starving for true friendship, my challenge to you is

Do not be passive in your pursuit of it.

In a world where people are starving for true friendship, do not be passive in your pursuit of it.

Build friendships with people

...from other generations. (Especially the older folks…seek out the younger)

...from other life-stages and circumstances.

…who may not share your hobbies

Friends A, B, & C...

“Friendship is the least jealous of loves. Two friends delight to be joined by a third, and three by a fourth, if only the newcomer is qualified to became a real friend…For in this love “to divide is not to take away…we possess each friend not less but more as the number of those with whom we share him increases.”

We work through the gospel to share our friendship with Christ with others, and we will find that we enjoy His friendship more.

We work through the gospel to share our own friends in the church with more and more people. We will find we don’t enjoy them less, but more.

Through the power of the gospel, we are brought into a relationship with God through Christ.

By the love-enabling grace of the gospel, we pursue friendships with fellow believers through discipleship, through loving others as Christ loves us.

By the love-compelling grace of the gospel, we pursue those outside of Christ, inviting them into friendship with Christ.

Build relationships in the church, and then share your friends with others.

Strangers to neighbors to family where we can live as true friends with God and with one another.

Application

Christ is Our Truest Friend.

While friends are extremely valuable, we must remember we can’t be all that another person needs in a friend.

We must remember, no mere human can be all we need in a friend; only Jesus can do and be that.

Jesus is the True Friend

...that loves at all times

…that laid down His life for His friends

…that will let nothing separate us from His love (Rom. 8:35-39)

…that is always faithful and true (Rev. 1:5)

…whose words give life (John 6:63)

…who disciplines us out of love (Rev. 3:19)

…who will never leave you nor forsake you (Matt. 28:20)

…who stands with us in our hour of trial (2 Tim. 4:17)

…who advocates for us in the hour of judgment

…who calls us to repent (Rom. 3:19).

With that kind of friendship in our corner,

we can be a friend of God.

we can be a friend to others.

even when they let us down.

Eternal friendship with God can you yours, beginning today, if you will trust Christ.

When we trust Christ, when we repent of our selfishness, and our isolation, and from the sin that separates from God, Jesus brings us into friendship with the Father.

The same Jesus brings us into friendship with one another.

Extend the Impact

ICEBREAKER:

Think about this statement:

“We are often lonely, but we fear true intimacy. We seek companionship, but we don’t really want people to know the real us. The result is we are often satisfied with relational substitutes that give us companionship without the demands of true friendship.”

Discuss the benefits and dangers of pursuing the following types:

Stage of Life Friendship - Relationships with people in the same life stage provide many advantages (young marrieds, new parents, singles, Senior Citizens, moms of young kids). What are the dangers of limiting “friendship” to those in your current demographic or circumstance?

Similar Interest Friendship - Relationships with people who enjoy the things you do (such as enjoyment of certain sports, books, movies, hobbies, certain political viewpoints, etc) can be rewarding. In what ways could you be missing out if your “friendships” are mostly due to similar interest.

Cyber Friendship - Technology provides ease of communication, in order to make maintaining contact easier. While the internet helps us stay informed of people’s food choices, vacation plans, favorite TV show, and voting preferences, are we really more deeply known by anyone? Do we run the risk that we enjoy the illusion of having friends without true intimacy, vulnerability and accountability?

Do you feel drawn to any of the three types of friendships? What do you enjoy, and what are some dangers to be aware of? What changes should you make?

Discussion Questions

What are some fears, anxieties or doubts that creep in as you consider building biblical friendship with people in your church?

What would it look like if your friendships became more Christ-centered? What are some practical things we can do today?

Benefits of godly friendship

1. Godly friendships help us experience God’s faithful love (Prov. 20:6; 21:21; Prov. 27:10).

2. Godly friendships make bitter times sweet (Prov. 27:9).

3. Godly friendships sharpen and refine us (Prov. 27:17).

4. Godly friendships hurt us to save us from harm (Prov. 27:5-6).

Which of these benefits do you see as your greatest strength?

Which areas do you need to seek God’s help to improve?

Describe a time when you experienced the benefits of a godly friendship. How did this change your relationship?

Think about some your friendships. How did they begin? What made them grow?

What is the most difficult thing in forming or maintaining friendships?

What are some natural opportunities God has given you to form spiritual relationships with others?

Consider the enemies to godly friendship: words that harm, deception and lies, anger, jealousy. Are there any relationships that have been affected by any of these? Do you need to seek forgiveness and reconciliation?

Can you think of a time when you saw biblical friendship show the beauty of the gospel to an unbelieving world? Can you share?

Think of 2-3 people with whom you need to a better friend to. Think of 2-3 people with whom you can spiritually benefit from. What can you do to strengthen those relationships?

Alive to Wonder: Celebrating the Influence of C. S. Lewis The Old Idea: Christian Hedonism from the Greats

It’s as old as Jesus, who gave to his people this virtually impossible command for the day of their persecution: “Rejoice in that day, and leap for joy, for behold, your reward is great in heaven” (Luke 6:23).