Communication in Marriage
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Unit 7: Communication in Marriage
Unit 7: Communication in Marriage
23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body.
24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her,
26 that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word,
27 that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.
28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself.
29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church.
“Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love I shall eat the fruit thereof.” (Proverbs 18:21)
21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it will eat its fruit.
“For he that will love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no guile.” (I Peter 3:10)
10 For “He who would love life And see good days, Let him refrain his tongue from evil, And his lips from speaking deceit.
Bible Texts: Proverbs 12:18-19; 13:3; 18:21, Luke 6:45, James 1:26; 3:1-13, I Peter 3:10
18 There is one who speaks like the piercings of a sword, But the tongue of the wise promotes health.
19 The truthful lip shall be established forever, But a lying tongue is but for a moment.
3 He who guards his mouth preserves his life, But he who opens wide his lips shall have destruction.
21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it will eat its fruit.
45 A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings forth evil. For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.
26 If anyone among you thinks he is religious, and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this one’s religion is useless.
10 For “He who would love life And see good days, Let him refrain his tongue from evil, And his lips from speaking deceit.
Introduction: Communication is the process of sending a message through a medium to the exchange news, information, ideas, knowledge, feelings, or emotion. Communication breakdown is the earliest noticeable sign of marital disaster. There could be minor to major information distortion or complete loss at any of the stages of communication.
1. Types of Communication
There are two major forms of communication
Verbal: - Discussion, argument, debate, rebuke, protest, command, and appeal.
Non-Verbal:- Signs or signals. These could be in form of eyeing, nose-twitching, mouth-twitching, or hissing, sticking out one’s tongue or slapping with the hand, foot stamping, etc
2. Principles of Effective Communication
Communication in marriage goes beyond words. Everything a couple does in the presence of one another communicates. Problems usually start from wrong communication. Saying right things, the wrong way is likely to generate the wrong response. The principle of effective communication lies in honestly, frankness and truthfulness expressed in an ocean of love and greatness (Galatians 6:1; Ephesians 4:15a; I Peter 4:8).
1 Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted.
15 but, speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head—Christ—
8 And above all things have fervent love for one another, for “love will cover a multitude of sins.”
The following are some principles needed for successful or effective communication in marriage.
a. Choice of Time
Watch the mood of your partner before you bring up issues
Always talk to God first before bringing up your partner’s faults. After praying, the Lord may even lead you, in some cases, to see that you are the one that needs to change. Or it could be that you should postpone the discussion until a ,ore appropriate time.
Avoid discussing serious issues in the morning if your partner is not an early riser or if he/she rushes out to work
Supper time, or immediately after, is usually the best time for most couples to discuss
b. Choice of Words (Colossians 4:6; Ephesians 4:22)
6 Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one.
22 that you put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts,
Bitter and sarcastic words can make your spouse to either recoil into his/her shell or respond negatively
Don not address your partner’s personality, instead discuss the issue at hand
c. Closeness
Move very close physically to your spouse when discussing serious issues
Closeness will soften voice, reduce tension and the desire for self-defence
Physical closeness modifies his/her response and his/her countenance during discussion (especially bitter truth)
d. Choice of Tone (Proverbs 15:1)
1 A soft answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.
Never raise your voice when speaking with your partner
In most arguments couples increase the volume of their voice in orger to gain hearing or have an edge. This is wrong.
When you respond to your partner in a soft tone and low voice, soon he/she would begin to do the same
Move closer to your spouse and speak with low tone, gentleness, calmness and love, together with graciousness rather than anger
Speaking angrily could generate not only verbal attacks but also physical attack
e. Appreciation
Every individual has strengths and weaknesses
All efforts or contributions made in the right direction should be rewarded with praise and encouragement
Correction or rebuke is meaningful only when one has shown appreciation for what has been done already
Use sandwich communication especially when correction is to be done as shown below.
f. Use of Pluralistic Language
Always use ‘We’ and ‘Our’
It creates a sense of belonging and unity e.g. “We need to pay more attention to our sitting room, our children, our car”
g. Concentrate on issues and not on Personalities
There must be mutual respect for each when talking. If you respect your wife, you will not want to insult her
A recurring unpleasant situation may require more than talking
3. Problem of Communication
a. Lack of Communication
Inability to communicate differences or problems in marriage could lead to disorder or breakdown
Differences can be solved amicably when the Expression is right
b. Wrong Communication
A lot of times many good points are presented badly. Some factors that affect presentation communication include:
The tone: -
Harsh
Gentle
Fast
Slow
The how: -
Sandwiched
Plain
Raw
When: -
Mood
Time of the day
Surrounding circumstances (environment)
Where: -
Never rebuke your partner publicly; avoid expressing anger in words
4. Communication Killers
There are conscious or unconscious weapons people use to defend themselves, thereby preventing further discussion on an issue.
a. Explosion
A natural reaction to one’s shortcoming is to explode rather than face it honestly
It is an expression of inner weakness or hostility;
It is an attempt to cover up one’s psychological nakedness.
b. Tears
Mostly used by women, but sometimes a melancholic or sanguine man could resort to it
It is an attempt to cover up one’s defeat, thus preventing further discussion
It is a sentimental act to prevent facing reality, i.e. “Stop telling me my shortcomings or else I will cry”.
Do not despise the tears, be patient and kind, and present the discussion at another time when your partner would be less moved into tears
c. Silence
Silence is a dangerous weapon.
A lot of older and high-spiritual Christians use it as a form of maturity or spirituality
Silence eliminates communication complete and takes a heavy toll physical and spiritually upon: a person
It takes tremendous power to be silent for a long period such power fuels anger and inner bitterness. Anger is a leading cause of ulcer, hypertension, insomnia, and neurosis (Ephesians 4:30-32)
30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.
31 Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice.
32 And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.
Silence is not the solution to an issue that should be discussed and resolved
Silence gives room to assumption and may create the wrong impression in your partner. It creates the wrong impression in your partner. It creates confusion on any issue
It is not a mark of spirituality but a silent destroyer of the foundation of marriage.
5. How to React During Communication
Be a very good listener no matter how difficult
Be an active listener without being judgemental
Keep calm in the midst of outburst
Do not fail to take action if and when necessary
Accept frank and constructive argument with maturity
Do not defend yourself at the time
See matter from your partner’s viewpoint even when your view is right and more suitable
Do not interrupt your spouse when he/she is talking
Make sure you interpret correctly what is being said
6. Factors that Improve Communication
a. Be positive: - When your partner open his/her heart to you, reciprocate with kindness, calmness, graciousness, sincerity and gentleness. This keeps the line of open up because their partner uses the information provided against them.
b. Art of Listening:
This involves hearing, understanding, remembering and sometimes restating
A spouse who refuses and listen is only interested in winning an argument and not in finding a lasting solution to the problem
Do not jump to conclusion or try to predict the message or the motive
c. Non- Verbal Message
Writing – notes, letters
Symbols – flowers, gifts, cards
Body language- Frowning, smiling, eye contact, closeness, holding of hands
Prayer as a Key in Communication
Prayers to our father in heaven is the best means of communication between two people
Couples that initiate regular time of prayer together would dialogue harmoniously to resolve marital crises
Conclusion: - Effective communication is borne out of deliberate determination to reach the other personally in a way that assures comfort and warm welcome. Keeping the channel of communication open in marriage is undoubtedly one of the most important steps towards a healthy marriage. However complex the marital problem may be, as long as both can still discuss freely and frankly about the matter, there is a positive indication that the matter will not explode or degenerate.