Understanding Grief (Grief/Military PME)

Grief/Military PME

Title: Understanding Grief

Audience: Pluralistic, general audience

What is Grief?

Grief Definition: It is the body, mind, and soul’s response to loss, especially to personal loss.

Not to do a deep dive into Metaphysics,

but I believe that human is made up of three parts.

Body - We are physical.

Mind - This is cognitive, thinking part of our being.

It is the part that allows us to do math, quote Shakespeare, and make rational decisions.

Soul - This is what we mean when we say negatively, I hurt, or positively, my whole heart.

We are talking about the intangible, inner being of a person.

> There Soul.

Together, our body, mind, and soul - make up who we are .... and how we respond to life.

In the case of grief .... grief - it is the natural human response to loss.

Grief is a body, mind, and soul response.

Grief can lead the body to … go into shock, sweats, insomnia, and ache.

Shock - we can emotionally, cognitively shutdown, become unresponsive, and incoherent.

Sweats - Our body can experience sweats as a part of the grief … or part of fears that come because of the grief.

(Sweaty palms) One Psalmist talked about his bones hurting as apart of grief.

Insomnia - The hurt and agony can make it really hard to sleep … a physical response.

Ache - Sometimes we hurt so much our bodies physically ache. (Psalm 31:9-10)

Grief is a mind response ....

Some have called it the battle of the mind.

As part of our mind’s response -

We dwell on our loss. It is all we can think about.

We doubt our own value or abilities.

We question ourselves, others, and God.

Grief is a soul response ....

Sometimes our response is more than just the body, and more than just my thinking.

I believe this is why sometimes depression medication help … and sometimes that don’t help at all.

>>>> It is not just the body<<<<<

Sometimes the most rational, even chilled person, still hurts .... because it is more than the mind.

>>>>> It is the soul. <<<<<<

This is what we mean we people talk about soul care…

it is not merely body response, nor merely thinking response, but it is far deeper

.............. it is a soul response to loss.

This is why the Marine Corp has shifted to not simply physical fitness, but Spiritual fitness.

It is an acknowledgement that people are more than mind and body, we are mind body and soul.

Inherently, if we are mind, body, soul … then we can expect our whole being to respond to great loss - Grief is a whole body experience.

What kind of “things” cause us to grieve?

Causes of Grief:

Divorce/breakup

Death

Serious Bodily Injury

Cancer or Serious illness

Failure

Moral mistakes

Murphy’s Law

Anything

There is no magical list … everyone of us experience loss on a daily, weekly, monthly basis.

I would say, the greater the loss, the greater the grieving experience … but ultimately a lot of things can fall into the grieving process.

What is the grieving process?

CAVEAT:

Now I am going to jump into a little bit of theory, but I think it helps us understand what grieving looks like.

Especially since most Marines are fairly young … and these are the years you first really experience grief.

By going through a bit theory … we can understand what grief is, and what really can help us rebuild the pieces of our life.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross developed the five stages of grief in her 1969 book, On Death and Dying.

5 Stages of Grief: denial, anger, bargaining, (debating with oneself), depression, acceptance.

However, I would say those are five possible responses to grief.

Not all people experience all 5.

We don’t always experience them in that order.

And even acceptance doesn’t really explain what we are talking about.

I think a better way of explaining the grieving process is:

(Barrowed from Grief: Learning to Live with Loss by Howard Eyrich, Pg. 31, Pamphlet)

(Overlapping Circles)

(Disorganization)(Acceptance)(Reorganization)

Disorganization

A loss - Tends to disorganize our lives.

It disrupts:

Relationships

Challenges our hopes and assumptions

Day to day living

Sources of Joy.

Loss creates all kinds of disorganization.

This is why people will say “I feel like my life is falling apart”.

Now we can respond a lot of ways -

Like Kuber-Ross noted -

We can respond -

denial,

anger,

bargaining, (debating with oneself)

depression,

acceptance

Denial, anger, bargaining, and depression are normal responses to loss.

They are a natural part of the process of grieving.

But at the same time, Long term denial, anger, bargaining, and depression have enormous problems.

We can’t live like that forever.

Acceptance and Reorganization

At some point - healthy grieving must move to acceptance, and reorganizing of your life.

Or to say it another way, We must learn to reengage life again.

That is what people mean when they say,

“I am starting over”

“I am just trying to put the pieces back together”

“I am trying to move on” or “I am just trying to keep moving forward”

They are talking about reorganizing their lives.

Body, Mind, Soul - Acceptance/Reorganization.

Coming back to the Body, mind, and soul part of this.

The grieving process … is helping our body, mind, and soul to return to living life despite the loss we felt.

Some of that is going to be physiological. The Body.

Some of it is going to be dealing with your thinking. The Mind.

And some of it is finding ways to repair your the soul. The inner hurt you feel.

But a healthy grieving process ultimately comes to a point when we acknowledge our loss, but learn to again to fully live and enjoy the life we still have.

Perhaps you have thought or heard these false assumptions -

Misconceptions

The following are examples of common misconceptions about grieving and should be corrected or defused early in the therapy process:

“Shut down your feelings and don’t think or talk about them.”

“Quickly replace the loss! Find a substitute.”

“Get busy! Increase your activities and responsibilities.”

“Allow yourself some time and you will be alright.”

“Change location! Leave town! Move away from all reminders.”

“Marines don’t hurt” or “Marines don’t express emotions”.

What is wrong with all these statements?

They fail to help the whole person >>>> Body, Mind, and Soul to find healing and put their life back together.

So so far, we have talked a lot theory. Let’s talk about some practical helps.

What helps the grieving process?

What can help me rebuild my life after a severe loss?

How can I be more resilient?

Let me begin by saying …

Look for help!

>>>>> Experience outside yourself diagram.

Sometimes you need to look to outside yourself.

If you are really hurting, then ....

Find ways to heal and regain hope, purpose, and joy!

Friends and Family

> Friends and Family are often a great source of comfort during the grieving process.

> Friends and family will often help you challenge your denial, anger, bargaining, and depression.

Stoic Philosophy - Talks a lot about controlling what you can, and not dwelling on what you can’t.

The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday (Author), Stephen Hanselman (Author)

Faith

There is a Duke University Professor … who has compiled hundreds of studies that show that people of faith are significantly better at grieving.

Handbook of Spirituality, Religion, and Mental Health by David H. Rosmarin and Harold G. Koenig

70 dollar, 254 page book documenting all the studies.

And that makes a lot of sense to me.

I am a Christian chaplain -

I joke I am an obnoxious Bible believing Baptist Pastor - which clues you into a little bit of my theology.

And I think back, about what has helped me grieve -

My faith teaches me that -

God is good, sovereign, and wise. (Isaiah 9:6-7)

That through Christ, God has a purpose and plan - my life is not meaningless or by accident. (Romans 8:28, Genesis 50:20)

God uses my struggles to help me be stronger. (Romans 8:28)

God always will carry me through my grief. (Psalm 23, Matthew 28:20)

And There is day when there will be no more suffering - every pain, tear will be wiped away. (Revelation 21)

Those are comforts to me.

They help me accept loss, and reengage life.

They give me hope and strength to keep living.

The Reality of Suffering and Death

And let me say this .... think seriously about the reality of suffering and death.

Suffering and death, and grief are interrelated ideas … because so often we grieve - because of suffering and death.

We live in a world where we forget just how common suffering and death is.

You won’t see it on Youtube, Facebook, and Tiktok,

There you see these picture perfect people.

Yet, life teaches me the opposite … that -

suffering is common

And death is inevitable.

Whether you are a person of faith or not, … you will have the reality that at some point you will suffer and at some point you will die.

It is inevitable.

Every hospital and cemetery demonstrates that truth.

A great help to the grieving process … is when you have thought about what happens when die, before you face loss and grief.

So continuing with this idea that

Let me end with three main sources of help that is offered to you -

Marine Corp Resources

MFLAC

MCCS Lifeskills

Chaplains

Questions?