Emotionally Healthy Woman: Quit #4: Quit Denying Anger, Sadness, and Fear

Intro:

Review last week—Enneagram

Geri—Fourth of July story

What are some of the emotions that Geri experienced on that particular 4th of July?

Have you ever experienced any of these emotions?

Have you ever felt guilty for having/experiencing these emotions?

Why do you think people —maybe you have too—feel they are bad if they feel anger, sadness or fear?

Is it easier to express joy and excitement than emotions like anger, sadness and fear?

The ways we respond to certain emotions are directly related to how they were handled in our family of origin.

What are some “church” views of these emotions?

People “struggle” with these emotions

Rejoice even when sad if sad/angry

Somehow we often hope that by suppressing and ignoring them, they would somehow disappear.

What do you think can be problematic with view?

It can stunt spiritual growth and ability to love well.

It erodes any possibility of developing authentic Christian community.

We build walls of separation and cannot truly see one another.

We fear vulnerability and lie about what is going on inside us.

Ultimately we create a religious subculture that constricts and keeps people from experiencing human emotions.

**Wife/mom who is unhappy in marriage and family but at church and in front of friends and family she acts as though she has it all together.

HOWEVER—the anger, and sadness comes out in sarcasm, depression, critical spirit.

One thing for sure does not survive scrutiny: pretend spirituality.

Anger

How might a child handle anger?

Blame others

How might an adult handle anger?

Suppress it.

How do you handle anger?

How was anger expressed in your family when you were growing up?

How did you express anger toward siblings?

Toward parents?

How can anger be used in a positive way?

Anger can be a tool for clarifying values

Anger helps us know when our personal boundaries are being crossed.

*Unkind remarks within the family=violates value of a family that respects one another.

*Spouse that overworks or is emotionally unavailable violates value for the priority of time and energy needed for a healthy marriage.

Anger can be a signal of deeper emotions

it has been said that anger is a “secondary feeling”.

It coexists with other feelings like hurt, sadness, fear, disappointment, and shame.

Therefore we need to explore these deeper more vulnerable emotions is essential to processing anger maturely.

Important questions to ask when angry:

What am I afraid of?

Am I hurt?

Sad?

Disappointed?

What is really going on behind the anger?

What happens when someone criticizes you?

Anger

What is an immediate instinct?

Become defensive.

If when reflected on what is behind the anger, it might just be fear of inadequacy.

For most people expressing anger feels less vulnerable than hurt or fear.

*person whose friend forgets their birthday

*Person angry with church for not doing enough social events for singles.

Anger can be an indicator of unmet expectations

We expect other people to know what we want before we are clear in our own minds or before we say it.

The problem is that we have expectations that are unconscious, unrealistic, unspoken, and unagreed upon.

Examples:

small group not meeting outside of regular meetings

children leaving shoes in entry

When you understand you don’t have a right to many of your expectations because they have not been spoken or agreed upon, you will find you carry much less anger.

Anger can be a sin

Anger can reveal things like pettiness, pride, envy,

Pay attention to any sarcastic or caustic remarks made

When you are angry about something and then take it out on someone who has nothing to do with it, that is sinful.

Helpful questions to help process anger before taking actions steps:

Is my anger justifiable or is it coming from the worst part of me?

Is this misplaces blame for which I need to take responsibility?

Is there anyone from whim I need to ask forgiveness for wounding with my anger?

Sadness

What do we do with verses like

Nehemiah 8:10 NLT

10 And Nehemiah continued, “Go and celebrate with a feast of rich foods and sweet drinks, and share gifts of food with people who have nothing prepared. This is a sacred day before our Lord. Don’t be dejected and sad, for the joy of the Lord is your strength!”

Philippians 4:13 NLT

13 For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.

God and our losses

Often we don’t know how to talk about sadness or disappointments.

How do we escape?

Shopping, working, watching TV, food binges, alcohol, pornography, Facebook,

Often times in the Christian world we have an unspoken rule “You aren’t spiritual if you’re feeling depressed or sad.”

So people pretend that all is well.

What doe Scripture show us about these emotions?

Isaiah 53:3 NLT

3 He was despised and rejected— a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief. We turned our backs on him and looked the other way. He was despised, and we did not care.

Hebrews 5:7 NLT

7 While Jesus was here on earth, he offered prayers and pleadings, with a loud cry and tears, to the one who could rescue him from death. And God heard his prayers because of his deep reverence for God.

Luke 22:44 ESV

44 And being in agony he prayed more earnestly; and his sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground.

David—known as a man after God’s own heart. 2/3 of his psalms are laments or complaints

Jeremiah—protested to God about his circumstances at least 6 different times

Lamentations—an entire book that expresses Jeremiah’s deep anguish to God over the destruction of Jerusalem.

To deny sadness is like trying to deny an arm or leg; its like amputating a vital part of yourself.

It is simply a part of life.

Fear

People in Scripture who experienced fears:

Moses—facing Pharoah

David—facing Goliath

Esther—approaching her husband

Joseph—the humiliation/shame when he said yes to God and married Mary.

What can we learn from these Biblical examples?

Courage is not the absence of fear.

It is the capacity to think and act despite our fears, to step over them because of a larger God-vision.

Three Guidelines to Quit Denying Anger, Sadness, and Fear

Feel Your Feelings

Avoid the extremes—don’t neglect emotions and don’t allow them to run our lives

Don’t put them either in the trunk or the driver’s seat.

Care for them so that they serve us.

To feel means to be aware of your emotions and to acknowledge them.

Explore them in the presence of God.

*Maybe journal

Psalm 62:8 NLT

8 O my people, trust in him at all times. Pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge. Interlude

Think through your feelings

Thinking is a gift given only to humans—we are made in the image of God.

This gift enables us to respond to our feelings thoughtfully rather than to react hastily.

We are to feel our feelings, but we are not always to follow them.

Proverbs 19:2 ESV

2 Desire without knowledge is not good, and whoever makes haste with his feet misses his way.

After you identify your feelings ask yourself, “What are the reasons I am feeling this way?”

*Example — you’re anxious about tomorrow’s meeting with your boss

Take appropriate action

At times the appropriate action will be clear. —say no to that invitation

Step over fear and take the job opportunity.

In other situations discerning the appropriate action step takes considerable time.

Owning your feelings will prevent you from projecting your emotions on to others in poisonous ways.