The Weapons We Make

Psalm 127:3–5 (NIV)

Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him.

Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one’s youth.

Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their opponents in court.

Introduction

Arrows

The analogy of children being arrows has been on of the most often quoted verses abut parenting. I like this verse. As a man, I like this verse.

It’s very militant.

It’s very masculine.

I’m going to teach my child to be a weapon and I am going to launch him into his destiny!

But, in order for us to fully understand this analogy we have to think about the implications of it.

First off, an arrow is only useful if it is in the hands of a skilled archer.

Wow.

That’s a mic drop, let’s all go home, and let’s all pray.

The thing I love about my wife is the way that she counsels parents. I love the way she counsels parents.

So here is typically how it goes.

A parent comes up to my wife and will usually start to put their child on blast. My child will not do this. My child does not do this. My child doesn’t listen when I say this.

She usually lets the parent finish talking, and then she goes to work.

And by going to work she first goes to work on the parent.

“Why do you believe your son won’t listen to you?”

“Why do you believe your daughter will not follow your instructions?”

“Why do you think your child treats you with disrespect?”

Now typically the parents get defensive, and they say, “Hey! I don’t have the problem, my kid has the problem!”

And that’s when my wife has to teach them that many times, not all of the time, but many times the child is simply responding to the parent. And if we want to change the response we start by examining the parent.

It’s a lot like the show the dog whisperer. Do you remember that show?

Every single time that owner came in to meet with Cesar Millan it came down to the owner not having a clue, not the dog.

In many ways, parenting can be like that.

Now that’s not to say that every time it is the parent, but we always start there.

Why?

Because if the arrow isn’t hitting the target we first have to ask if the archer knows what he or she is doing.

Three Points of Archery

So in order for the arrow to hit it’s target there are three things that need to happen:

Aim the arrow at something.

We need to pull the string back.

We need to release the arrow go.

And that’s the focus for today… are we doing these three things?

Said differently,

We need cultivate a vision for our children - that’s the aim/ direction.

We need to motivate our children - that’s the pulling back.

We need to release them into their future - that’s the release of the string and launching the arrow.

Now the truth is, most parents are good at two of these?

Do you want to guess which two they are?

Aiming and releasing.

We are good at that! Some parents are really good at releasing. Your kids turned 17.5 and you began to help them pack their bags, becuase you were SO READY to let them go.

We aren’t very good at the second part, and that is to provide motivation.

For the next two weeks I am going to deep dive into motivation, but I need to start with aiming.

Aim

As a parent, it is our job to inspire our kids with vision.

We direct our children by cultivating a vision (aim) for their life.

Where there is no vision, the people are unrestrained. Proverbs 29:18 AMP

Mom and Dad, your first job with your child is to inspire them to dream.

It’s not your job to tell them what to dream, but to inspire them to dream.

There is a big difference. Many children feel the pressure to fulfill a dream that is not theirs. They are going through the motions of school, classes and picking out a major that inspires their parents, and not them.

How do we inspire vision?

Help them to discover their gifts.

Help them to develop their gifts.

Mom and Dad, your children have been wonderfully and fearfully made! That’s the GOOD NEWS. I know it’s your DNA but it is God’s design. I understand that you provided the raw, very raw materials, but God is the builder and he is going to create something that will bring Him glory.

You need to help them discover their gifts. There are so many resources available to you, and one that we even have right here at Lighthouse, and that is Growth Track! Mom and Dad, if your kid went through Growth Track I hope you would grab those assessments and keep them in a safe place if your kid can’t be trusted to do that. We’re helping you identify their wiring so that it will help you, help God, with unfolding the plan and purpose for your child.

The problem is that so many parents are so busy with these two things:

They are too busy accomplishing their own dreams that they’ve made no time to help their children.

They do not see the need to develop their child until it is too late.

And let me tell you that dropping them off at Youth Group is not enough.

We are here to come alongside you, but don’t think for one second that what we do is a substitute for what you are supposed to do.

Mom and Dad, help them to discover and develop the gifts that God has placed on the inside of your children.

They need a vision, and God has given them YOU to help them accomplish it.

Motivation

Now this next part is going to take me some time to unpack.

The pulling back of the arrow in your hands is the motivation that you provide to your kids.

Everyone say motivation. Much like inspiring your child to have a vision for their life, the next thing that you need to hand them is the internal motivation to go out and accomplish their dreams.

Developing internal motivation (pulling back) will propel them to their dreams.

Why?

“Because I Said So” doesn’t motivate your children.

And yes, there are times and seasons.

Yes, I believe that there is a time when you should be able to ask your child to do something, and they should do it without question.

But teenagers don’t need direction, they need motivation. And this is where many parents fail. How many times have you heard a struggling parent say, “but I told them to do this!” and yet it didn’t get done because your child needed motivation, not direction.

Let me give you a simple example, and then we’re going to deep dive on this.

Let’s say you tell your kids every morning to put on a sweater before going to school. Not now when it’s roasting, but in January or February.

If you direct your kid, and it’s not working, and you are constantly following your kid and taking the sweater for them, then you need to motivate them. How do you do that? Let them leave without a sweater. When they come home, and tell you how cold the day was you ask them, “now what do you think you could have done differently?”

How do you think that’s going to go tomorrow?

And if they forget the next day, let them keep forgetting until they are motivated to never forget again.

Eventually they’re going to take the sweater because now they are motivated to take the sweater.

Parents are you tracking with me?

5 Things Not To Do to Motivate Our Kids

Never lose your cool.

When you lose your cool, you are teaching your children that it is OK for them to lose their cool, and it is never OK for anyone to lose their cool.

Your kids will shut down if they see Mom and Dad losing control of the situation and losing their cool.

What does the Bible say about this?

Proverbs 29:11 (NIV)

Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end.

2. Don’t Delay Living Until Your Kids Turn 18

Listen to me parents, LIVE! Set an example of an abundant life.

John 10:10 (NIV)

I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

Parents I want you to live your life in such a way that your kids say, I can’t wait to grow up an do the cool things that my Mom and Dad do!

Skip work and go to Disneyland, and tell your kids LATER.

3. Don’t Let Your Teenager Intimidate You

Mom and Dad, set the tone in the home early, and let it be the way of the home.

Did you know that we are one of the only generations that the Elder turns to their young for Direction?

We do this don’t we. I see this a lot with parents of newborns. We can’t go here because little Johnny likes to nap after he eats. And we can’t go there becuase little Johnny doesn’t like sand. And we can’t go eat at this restaurant becuase there’s no chicken nuggets on the menu.

Are you serious?

Mom and Dad, you lead the home!

Now I didn’t say be a dictator; be a leader. That’s why leadership matters and that’s another subject for another day.

My friends went to Europe and they told me that there’s no kids menu’s in Europe. Kids eat what the parents eat. Let THAT deliver a mother in the room who makes 4 different types of dinners at home because the kids won’t eat what Mom and Dad like, and the oldest only wants pizza, and the youngest only wants chicken nuggets, and the other one only wants pasta.

The devil is a liar. This is what we’re eating.

Lead your homes with love and grace, but LEAD IT. You lead, not them.

4. Don’t Rescue Your Children From Consequences

Proverbs 13:24 (NIV)

Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them.

Now don’t get triggered by this verse. This verse is not saying you get free rain to grab a belt and go to town on the behind of your disobedient boy. That’s not what it is saying. It is saying that if you love your child, you will teach them that every choice has a consequence. The worst thing you can do is teach your kids is that their decisions don’t have consequences.

I’ll never forget that when Joanna and I were expecting our first baby boy we were in the process of buying an investment property. The lady that we were working with at the time gave us this piece of advice that I will never forget, and that we had to actually implement.

She told us, “Always follow through on your consequences. There’s going to come a time where you are going to be at a party with friends and your child is going to act up. You’re going to warn your kid that if he keeps it up, you’ll have to leave the party early. They won’t believe you because they see you having a good time, so they will push it. And you will have to make a choice. Do I let my child get away with it because I am having such a good time at this party, or do I sacrifice my good time so that I can love my child through following through on this consequence.”

Lighthouse, this happened one time. My boys turned into the Lord of the Flies at a party and I gave Joanna that look and we knew that this was going to be the day that our boys learned that we follow through on our consequences. So we left the party. I didn’t want to leave. I was having a good time. But my kids were acting up. So we told the host we needed to leave, we apologized, I grabbed a cupcake to go, and we had that long, quiet, tearful drive home…

5. Don’t Underestimate the Power of a Positive Parent

Parents, we set the tone of our home. I encourage you to lean into this season that you have them. Be intentional about the experience you provide your kids at home. You can wake up every morning and set a tone of positivity, love, warmth, and acceptance. This will carry them.

2 Timothy 1:5 (NIV)

I am reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also.

When Paul is counseling Timothy, he thinks of his mother and grand mother. They were positive influences on him. They gave him the gift of sincere faith. They were handing down to Timothy something that only a positive parent could hand to him.

Your positivity changes the atmosphere of your home. Lean into this. Find ways to create traditions for your family. Celebrate the behavior that you want your kids to repeat.

Don’t underestimate the power of being positive.

Conclusion

Hey Lighthouse, are you doing all right so far?

Listen, today I gave you five things that you should avoid doing so that you motivate your child; next week I want to give you so things that you should be doing so that you can release your arrow with the confidence that they will hit the bullseye. We’re going to get there Lighthouse. We’re leaning in to the things we can do to save our kids from a world that wants to bull them away.

The best news is we don’t have to do this alone. Stay connected to the word of God, get into a group with other people from the church, and let’s go make a positive impact on our children.