Released With Intention

Psalm 127:3–5 NIV

Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one’s youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their opponents in court.

Introduction

There were two moments in my life that shaped some of what I am going to talk to you about today. The first that I want to share with you with some humor was the day my parents left me at college.

When I was 18 I felt the call from God to enter into the ministry. So after my freshman year of college we packed up my parents minivan and we made our way up to Stockton, CA for bible college. And let me just say that it has to be a calling from God to leave the beautiful City of San Diego and go to the God forsaken City of Stockton. Stockton is a tough city. Stockton is famous for the Diaz brothers. If you don’t know why they are, they are famous MMA fighters. Stockton is famous for what is called the “Stockton Slap” where a man will so disrespect another man that he will slap him before fighting him. And, yes, Nate Diaz did the Stockton Slap on Connor McGregor in their first fight. But I’ve digressed… I’ll never forget that moment when my parents left me in my dorm room. My Mom’s final words to me were, “Son, you don’t have to stay, you can come home with us.”

Thanks Mom.

But they prayed over me and left me there in Stockton, CA for college.

Now the second moment was when after school, and after coming home, I was moving out to marry Joanna, this beautiful mamacita sitting right here in the front row.

This was now the second time for my parents to have this moment with me, and I remember my Dad handing me a letter as I put my final belongings into my red Nissan and drove off to my new apartment, about a week before my wedding.

Both of these moments marked my life, and my parents had to send me off not once, but twice, into this world to be on my own.

And that’s what we are going to talk about as we talk about releasing our arrows.

And if your children are young, this is the best time for you to hear this so that you can spend the next few years preparing yourselves and your children for them to be released.

The Set Up

In his book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, author Steven Covey asks the readers to take part in an exercise called The Funeral Exercise. Imagine you are at a funeral and there are people who have come to pay their respects to the person who has passed. They have come to share words with the congregation. Who is in the room? What is the tone? Who is not in the room? This exercise concludes with the author asking you to imagine that it is your funeral and your passing. The point is to make you think about what life you must live, the way that you treat people, and how well you were loved. It’s an exercise in introspection.

Now, let’s use that same analogy and imagine that rather than a funeral, it is the sending off of your son or daughter as they now leave your home. They may be leaving for college now, or they are getting married, or they are just moving out now and living life on their own. When you say your good bye to them, have you done enough to prepare them? Will you stand there knowing that you have done all that you can to prepare your children to be on their own in this world?

For many parents, they’ve sent out their children and have carried the pain of seeing their kids underprepared. What I want to do today as we talk about releasing our arrows, is give you four things that every parent and child must consider before sending off their child into the word.

Do You Have a Plan?

Before we get to those four, Dad and Mom, I need to ask you, do you have a plan?

Have you prayed about and thought about what you are intentionally going to do to transition your son from boy hood to man hood? Have you thought about what you will do to transition your daughter from being a girl to becoming a woman?

Historically, in many cultures around the world, there was a guided passage for our kids as they make this transition into adulthood. There was intentionality. There were markers, steps, and ceremonies along the way.

Now, there was a time when parents would say to their kids, “I’m sorry if I made mistakes, but there was no manual for this...” and the kids would understand. Now, there is no excuse. There are manuals called books. There are sermons, classes, TEDTalks, white papers, and the list goes on. Mom and Dad, if you fail to get this right the excuse of “I didn’t know” is no longer acceptable. It’s not that you didn’t know, it’s that you didn’t think enough to care. It’s not that you didn’t know, but you didn’t make it a priority.

Have I got your attention now Mom and Dad?

Good!

Because there is a world that will intentionally form your child if you don’t.

There is an enemy that will deform your child if you don’t form them into the image of Christ.

You being passive doesn’t mean your child will figure it out, it means that they will go through life being taught by every other teacher than their parents.

I don’t know if you can live with this, but I can not. I cannot simply sit back without a plan for my boys and hope for the best.

I must get into the game. I must put together a plan to disciple, form and shape my sons. This won’t just help them to become a man, but to become father, and one day God-willing, a grandfather. There’s too much at stake.

So let me get to the four things that I want for you all to think about as you set your plans in place. And, these are all taken from Pastor Jon Tyson who wrote an incredible book called the Intentional Father. It’s for father’s and sons, but they work from Moms to daughters, and I encourage every Mom to find resources for yourself. I apologize, but I don’t have a book from mother’s to daughters, for very obvious reasons.

What Do I Want Them to Know?

Parents, what do you want your child to know before they leave?

Let me dive deeper into this specifically, what do I want them to know about God, about themselves, and about life?

Parents, this should drive you to sit down and really think this through. How do you do this? Think about your own life. What were the wins and losses of your life, and what did you learn along the way?

This is an exercise called “mountains and valleys”.

You are going to see that through the highs and the lows of your life, you’ve learned something about God, yourself, and life and it is worth imparting to your children.

For all of my students in the room, when your parents begin to share this information with you know that it is coming from a place of experience. Experiences that brought them great joy or great pain. Both are teachers. Both have made your parents better. Both have caused your parents to grow. When they share these with you remember that they are sharing with you wisdom.

Everyone say wisdom.

Proverbs 4:1–4 (NIV)

Listen, my sons, to a father’s instruction; pay attention and gain understanding.

I give you sound learning, so do not forsake my teaching.

For I too was a son to my father, still tender, and cherished by my mother.

Then he taught me, and he said to me, “Take hold of my words with all your heart; keep my commands, and you will live.

Who do I want them to be?

Your children will be shaped by the values you live. Not what you say, but what you repeatedly do. If you say, “We are honest people in this house!” and your children never see you being honest, they will be shaped by what you do.

So let me ask you, do you know what your values are?

I encourage your home to take the time to think about what values you are already living out, and what are those that with intention are within reach.

Values are to a home what culture is to an organization. In business they say you can’t teach culture, you can only be culture. In your home, you can’t teach values, you can only be values.

So what are the things that you value and how can you begin to hand these to your children?

You can have so much fun doing this! I’ve seen families made a custom sign with their values and hang it in their family room. You can create a family crest or symbol and teach them to your children. You can create moments and experiences that are centered around your values.

For example, if you have a value of service unto others, than you embody that value by taking your children to serve a Thanksgiving lunch every year at Father Joe’s. Why? Because your family values service to others, and this is what we do.

As you begin to unpack these values we are forming them into the person we want them to be.

Here’s the truth - character is not developed by accident.

Even if you’ve seen a real success story come out of a crazy childhood experience, it’s usually because that particular child so despised their parents that their energy was intentionally channeled into not being like their parents. But that’s the exception and not the rule.

What do I want them to know?

Now, this is the most practical, and is so much fun. What skills do you want for your child to have before they are released into the world?

drive a stick shift car

cook a secret family recipe

sew

change a tire

change the oil

create and live on a budget

build a car

build a website

cook an egg

flooring

understand their credit score

how to trade stocks

Parents, there’s really no limit, and this is where parents and kids should sit down and really plan for this!

Some are life skills, and others are skills that can only be gained through experiences. Whatever it is, parents, you need to be intentional about your child’s development and invite them into the process.

I really want to teach my son about money, the importance of tithing and budgeting. I don’t want my son to get into unsecure debt, EVER. It’s up to me to teach this to my son!

And Parents, what are the things that you want your children to know before they leave the home? Let’s make a game plan for this.

What experiences do I want them to have?

Here’s the last one for you parents - what experiences that are going to shape their wisdom, character and skills do you want them to have?

Hear me Lighthouse… every single parent in this room will go on this journey in your own personal way. For me, and my sons, when they turn 13 the process of transition from a boyhood to manhood begins. I’ve shared with Jaden that when he turns 13, he is going to embark on a multi year journey of leaving childhood behind and entering into manhood.

It’s going to be hard, but life is hard.

He’s going to learn children care about themselves, but men care about others.

He’s going to learn that his life is a story that is part of a larger story.

He’s going to learn that he’s not always going to be able to control every situation.

Finally, he’s going to learn that life is finite, and he must live with intention while he is alive.

This is the journey that he is going to embark on when he turns 13.

Why?

Because just like I was dropped off at college and sent off to marry Joanna, one day I will send my son to school or send him into a marriage, and I don’t want to have any regrets that I did not adequately prepare him for life.

So I am going to take my sons through a rite of passage, and Lighthouse, I pray that you would begin to do the same. We need God’s help, and we need the Holy Spirit, but we also need a plan.