Resolving conflict

Did anyone take steps toward a greater understanding of their spiritual giftedness this week? (prayer, signed up to serve somewhere, asked others for input)

Principle

Conflict reveals character, and resolving it requires repentance.

Passage

Conflict reveals character

James 4:1–3 (ESV)

1 What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? 2 You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. 3 You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.

James uses 2nd person plural pronouns. “You all” speaking specifically to Jews who have believed in Christ and are scattered across the Roman empire (1:1).

In this passage he’s talking about us when we get bent out of shape because we aren’t getting our way and we are the one who begins, or continues a conflict. Our character is exposed because we are not getting what we want and our response is to suit up, and go to war.

The Cause of Conflict (1)

passions, or pleasures, are at war within you

Luke 8:14 “14 And as for what fell among the thorns, they are those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by the cares and riches and pleasures of life, and their fruit does not mature.”

Titus 3:3 “3 For we ourselves were once foolish, disobedient, led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, hated by others and hating one another.”

1 Peter 1:14 “14 As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance,”

1 Peter 2:11 “11 Beloved, I urge you as sojourners and exiles to abstain from the passions of the flesh, which wage war against your soul.”

The Chaos of Conflict (2a)

you desire and do not have, so you murder

In conflict we “set our heart” on something (respect, love, being right, our way). When we don’t get it we can metaphorically murder (hatred = Matt 5:21-22), or worse, commit murder to get what we want (2 Samuel 11:15 = David sending Uriah to frontlines then abandoned to die).

you covet and do not obtain, so you fight and quarrel

We stir up conflict when someone else has what we want. Think of Joseph’s brothers, jealous over their fathers love for Joseph, they desired to kill him but end up selling him into slavery thanks to Reuben = Gen 37:3-4, 19-20, 21.

when we give in to the temptation to get what we want, chaos happens.

The Cure for Conflict (2b-3)

You do not have, because you do not ask.

If I don’t desire God’s will, I won’t go to God’s throne in prayer.

You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly...

When I go to God’s throne am I kneeling before it, or trying to sit in it?

...to spend it on your passions.

When we have conflict with one another it’s because in that moment we care more about our passions than God’s plan.

The cure for conflict is implied in this passage: when we go to God’s throne we ask for his will to be done and we submit to his ways.

The person in James’ example is independent and self-focused.

Contrast that with the Lord’s prayer where we are dependent and God-focused.

Matthew 6:6-14 “6 But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you. 7 “And when you pray, do not heap up empty phrases as the Gentiles do, for they think that they will be heard for their many words. 8 Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him. 9 Pray then like this: “Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name. 10 Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. 11 Give us this day our daily bread, 12 and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. 13 And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.”

Notice we are the one in need of receiving mercy and finding grace in our time of need. God will always answer our prayers if they result in conforming our character to Christ.

Heb 4:16 “16 Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”

Conflict reveals character.

We’ll discuss it more shortly. But before we do, let’s look at how...

Resolving it requires repentance

Matthew 18:15–20 (ESV)

15 “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. 16 But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. 18 Truly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. 19 Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. 20 For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.”

Often called the “church discipline” passage but Jesus is talking about a process with the end goal of restoration to fellowship with his people, and ultimately with him, God.

We often think of it as a 4 step process: confront one-to-one, confront with witnesses, tell the church, treat them as an unbeliever. That’s true and right. But I want to zoom out a bit more for the sake of tonight. This passage deals with the one who sees “James 4:1-3” playing out against them or in front of them in the life of a professing believer.

So, when our conscience won’t allow love to cover over a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8).

We must:

Discern the sin in pursuit of restoration (15)

if your brother sins against you

Jesus is talking about when I am sinned against, he uses the second person singular or both the sinner and the sinned against. This would also apply if I am witness to a clear sin habit of a professing believer. We know it is a professing believer because later Jesus says to bring the church, the ekklesia, into the confrontation.

go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone.

Two commands. go and tell. This isn’t an optional thing, or a nice idea. But a confrontation that is commanded by Christ for the good of another soul. Galatians 6:1 tells us to check our own condition first, and then to confront in gentleness. That doesn’t mean we “beat around the bush” but we confront knowing that we too are capable of the same sin or worse.

When there is sin, repentance is needed. We go into the confrontation praying that God would use it to bring about repentance in a fellow believer or reveal a non-believer who needs to repent for the first time.

The goal of conflict resolution is never about us proving anything. It’s about restoring a fellow soul to right relationship with God, so they can restore relationship with those they have wronged. Restoration requires repentance – from at least one person, but often from more.

Step one should be happening ALL THE TIME in our lives.

It’s the spiritual equivalent of pointing out food in someones teeth. You bring it up because you love them and don’t want them to make a fool of themself. In a similar way if a professing believer is in sin, either against you, or you have witnessed it, you need to confront them so they don’t stain the reputation of Christ.

So what do we do when they don’t care? When they don’t repent?

Deal with the sinner as a plea for repentance (16-17)

two or three witnesses

Take other trusted Christians with you. They aren’t necessarily witnesses to the sin, but are witnesses to the second confrontation. They hear the accusation and the defense and “establish…the evidence.” They join the process of calling the sinner to repentance.

tell it to the church

If the sinner still doesn’t listen, tell it to the congregation. The body of believers who can pray, and where there is relationship, can also call the brother or sister to consider their ways and turn to Christ.

treat them as a Gentile and a tax collector

The final stage of calling them to repentance is to send them out into the world. The church treats them like they would any other non-believer, because that’s what they have shown themselves to be by their unrepentant response. It is not to say we ostracize them, but we make a judgment call based on the sin they have chosen to be enslaved to.

The divine sanction when there is no repentance (18-20)

When the church, together, under the leadership of it’s elders, makes a judgment on an unrepentant sinner, we are declaring what God says to be true. And he is with us in that.

bind on earth…bound in heaven…loose on earth…loosed in heaven

John Macarthur explains it this way: The sum of it all means that any duly constituted body of believers, acting in accord with God’s Word, has the authority to declare if someone is forgiven or unforgiven. The church’s authority is not to determine these things, but to declare the judgment of heaven based on the principles of the Word. When they make such judgments on the basis of God’s Word, they can be sure heaven is in accord. In other words, whatever they “bind” or “loose” on earth is already “bound” or “loosed” in heaven. When the church says the unrepentant person is bound in sin, the church is saying what God says about that person. When the church acknowledges that a repentant person has been loosed from that sin, God agrees.

two of you agree…For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.

This is a similar principle as above. Two or three being gathered is not for a prayer meeting, but rather a promise from God that when we are faithful to confront sin in one another according to his prescribed method he is present with us in that process.

This ought to bring us comfort when we are obeying the difficult task of confronting. The parable Jesus told just before our passage is about the shepherd who leaves the 99 sheep to pursue the 1 that is lost (Matthew 18:10-14). God is with us as we pursue each other for restoration and reconciliation.

But also notice the parable after our passage, Matthew 18:21ff. It is the parable of the unforgiving servant. When we confront someone in their sin, and they respond in repentance, we must be ready to forgive them because we know what we have been forgiven, otherwise we will face the judgment of God ourselves. A sobering warning to be humble, even as we lovingly confront one another when necessary.

Conflict reveals character, and resolving it requires repentance.

Put (off & on)

Let’s spend the rest of our time discussing how these truths practically play out in our lives.

What other scriptures come to mind when you think about conflict resolution?

How do we discern the difference between a biblical desire and a selfish desire?

What are the most common areas of conflict in your life and home?

When conflict arises do you default to a prideful defense of yourself or do you pridefully attack the other person?

What Scriptures do you take yourself to when conflict arises?

What part do our emotions play in conflict?

How does our perspective on Matthew 18:15 effect our relationships with other people?

When is the right time to bring others into a confrontation if the sinner is unrepentant?

When we are confronted by someone else, but we are convinced there is no sin on our part, what should our response be?

Prayer

Practice

Read James 4:1-3 at least one time every day until next Thursday (or longer) and take 3-5 minutes after each reading to confess and repent of any selfish desires the Lord brings to your mind.

Plead with the Lord and make an active decision to pause next time you enter a conflict. Take a moment to consider what you want so badly that you’re willing to go to war with another soul for it. Seek to resolve the conflict biblically.

Has someone sinned against you? Or are you a witness to ongoing sin in a professing believer?

Take 10-15 minutes this week to pray and search the scriptures to understand and define the sin biblically.

Go to the sinner, one-to-one, in person if possible, and lovingly express your concern to them and your biblical understanding of their sin. Tell them your desire is to see them walking closely with Christ, not deceived by their sin.

Call them to turn from their sin and find joy in Christ.

Offer to help them in that process if they need it and you can commit to it.

If they repent, praise God with them! If they reject you, prayerfully seek out 2-3 other believers to continue down the restoration process

Related Media

Related Sermons